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Wavy Soul
USA
779 Posts |
 Posted - 04/22/2007 : 11:58:15
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SICK AND TIRED!!
Help! I feel as though I can't ask for help in many places despite a great friend network because they will try to fix my "problem" in the wrong way... ("have you checked out Lyme disease" and all that crap...)
I'm in one of those TMS-ecstasy-backlash moments when I am feeling as though nothing has changed because the symptom I am dealing with is FATIGUE.
What the f**k do you do with this one?
I have quite successfully processed fibromyalgia and intense back pain and intense tooth pain but the fatigue is beyond me. Because: how am I supposed to push through and "do it anyway?"
For the last year I have been using caffeine to push through, and it has helped enormously. For 30 years I didn't touch it because it was "bad for me" and I wanted to get well from my CFS/FMS. That didn't do anything for me. My so-called exhausted adrenals didn't seem to get unexhausted despite all my prayers and careful eating and resting and no caffeine and so on.
So I've been using a bit of caffeine in the slow-drip method (meaning green tea caps which release the caffeine more slowly and don't produce jitters), and I have regained a life - kind of a bit more like normal people. This has allowed me to exercise and do yoga and lots of other things that have made my body stronger.
But now it seems as though the caffeine no longer works. I have been collapsed on the couch barely able to have a normal life on and off recently, and now for days. In yoga I am doing corpse pose for most of the class.
Please don't tell me I should just take it easy - I took it easy for 30 years. I don't believe that resting stops me being fatigued. Although I keep collapsing. This is acute fatigue, not normal tiredness. If you have had CFS you know that this kind of tiredness is not something you can push through. I know that normal kind of tiredness too, and I can easily push through. Piece of cake. This is absolute loss of energy.
My naturo-doc said it was a thyroid thing and now I'm having what feels like a migraine in reaction to the damn thyroid meds.
So anyway, to get on topic. I have been exploring the emotions around this. Yesterday, stuck on the couch watching NBA games that I didn't even want to really watch (but too tired to read or meditate), I was exploring and breathing into the feelings. Same old same old.
Pissed at life. This is too much of a challenge (30 years' sickness and everything else that has happened). And lots of other feelings that I wrote out in angry letters to Source, etc.
I think the answer is to not give too much attention to the damn symptom - which is very challenging as it is literally disabling, I live alone, need to take care of myself, etc. Just keep going with the emotional work and act each morning as though I am well. Let the symptoms come for me if they are going to come. I'm not going looking for them. I'm not limiting my plans for them.
F**kit!
Yes, I would like support. MAYBE advice, as long as it's compassionate. As someone wrote in a previous thread about CFS, this is the one you don't get unless you got it. It's more complex than simple pain and co.
Help!
xxx
Love is the answer, whatever the question |
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miehnesor
USA
430 Posts |
Posted - 04/22/2007 : 12:52:55
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Wavy- I remember Suz having this symptom a while back and she cured it by getting in touch with her feelings but I couldn't find the thread.
Before when you had relapses you were able to take a more positive outlook on things and you could pop yourself out of the darkness and be fine. Have you tried doing similar work on this new symptom?
Is there anything going on emotionally that could be triggering this relapse? Is journaling bringing up anything? |
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Wavy Soul
USA
779 Posts |
Posted - 04/22/2007 : 14:53:00
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quote:
Is there anything going on emotionally that could be triggering this relapse? Is journaling bringing up anything?
oh, only about a million things. But I have had profound, intense, real life shattering drama out of my control for 3 years. And some of the time I have been healthy.
Thanks for asking what is going on. I feel lonely. I feel angry about feeling lonely. I'm not literally alone - in fact I'm refusing invitations with people who want to connect in order to have more alone time. But the loneliness is really the deepest wound in my soul, I guess. Father abandonment in childhood. Being abandoned by my ex (thank God!, but still re-wounding!). Wanting a partner but not wanting to pursue anything or anyone (so I'm literally not).
the usual suspects
thanks for asking Miehnosor!
When I really feel into it, I think there was something about the father abandonment that stopped strong chi energy from coming all the way into my body at a young age, and perhaps I then developed the pathways for chronic fatigue as an expression of that. Or, more likely, as a distraction from the devastating "hole" left by that.
I've explored that hole for much of my life. But now perhaps I'm being invited all the way in so I can discover it's not a hole. Know what I mean?
xx
Love is the answer, whatever the question |
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Singer_Artist
USA
1516 Posts |
Posted - 04/22/2007 : 23:00:19
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Hi Wavy,
I hear your frustration and I understand..I think what shortcake had to say was very valuable and it helped me too!
Sometimes we need to just let go and release things instead of trying to find some miraculous answer continuously..THere is a balance and a fine line that is perhaps hard to attain..
THe part about life replacing old issues w/ new ones is very true in my life these days..So much is coming up and has been for a long time..Now it is hitting a new level w/ all the worry/fear about my doggie's illness..It is kicking up so much inside me I can barely even talk about it..all I can do is feel..
Feeling extremely tired sounds to me like it could also have a hormonal component..I don't know if you eat organic meats, veggies, etc...but I would try everything in addition to doing the all important TMS work..
Hope you feel like yourself again very soon!!
Karen |
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Wavy Soul
USA
779 Posts |
Posted - 04/22/2007 : 23:44:48
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Yeah, Shortcake and Singer - thanks for that.
For me it isn't quite enough in this case to just acknowledge that the stuff is psychosomatic in origin and keep going. I mean, I'm doing that, but there is something about being laid out with acute fatigue for a long time that kind of forces you (me that is!) more inward.
I'm not stuck in it, going round and round. I visited it. I'm getting on with stuff (with the help of lots of caffeine, today).
Having visited some of the stuff behind it has actually taken my attention OFF it as a symptom. But/and I understand what you mean about how this doesn't always work this way. It's a fine line between the perfectionism of processing addiction and the denial of never feeling into what's "really" behind stuff. I'm into walking that line.
I love that we are talking about this stuff.
xx
Love is the answer, whatever the question |
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armchairlinguist
USA
1397 Posts |
Posted - 04/23/2007 : 09:01:07
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quote:
But now perhaps I'm being invited all the way in so I can discover it's not a hole. Know what I mean?
I think I relate to this, although I can't say for sure if this is the thing that you mean. But I have been feeling lately that deep down is some very large cloud of darkness. Sadness, anger, all the difficult and painful emotions. I'm afrai to get into it and it seems really huge and overwhelming. Last week I had a friend do a tarot reading for me about making my feelings and actions more congruent, and one of the things that turned up in the reading was that it's not just the dark that I will go into. It's also the light of my authentic self, which is hidden down there. It's also the positive.
This weekend I had a small experience of being disappointed because it was raining and I couldn't test-ride bikes, and after I was able to stay with the feeling for a while, it occurred to me that the painful feeling of being disappointed came from a positive thing -- my interest in riding bikes, and the fun that I have, and how much I'm looking forward to having a new bike that's fitted and suited for me. It was like discovering a little sun where I thought there was only a cloud, and I think it prefigures larger discoveries of that type.
So maybe when you go into that big hole, you will find that at the bottom there is something that is still whole, bright, and shining.
--
Wherever you go, there you are. |
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miehnesor
USA
430 Posts |
Posted - 04/23/2007 : 10:38:23
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quote:
Originally posted by armchairlinguist
quote:
But now perhaps I'm being invited all the way in so I can discover it's not a hole. Know what I mean?
I think I relate to this, although I can't say for sure if this is the thing that you mean. But I have been feeling lately that deep down is some very large cloud of darkness. Sadness, anger, all the difficult and painful emotions. I'm afrai to get into it and it seems really huge and overwhelming. Last week I had a friend do a tarot reading for me about making my feelings and actions more congruent, and one of the things that turned up in the reading was that it's not just the dark that I will go into. It's also the light of my authentic self, which is hidden down there. It's also the positive.
This is where the IC work is so powerful. When you surrender control and just love the IC then eventually those dark feelings will naturally work their way to consciousness. Although we can't tell consciously, these feelings want to come out and be released. Visualizations and affirmations from the adult to the child provide a platform of validation and safety for the feelings to come.
I know that many folks here would disagree with the above stmts but that is just how it seems to me. For extreme TMS cases the feelings are more intense and I believe they push harder towards consciousness for resolution.
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Shary
147 Posts |
Posted - 04/23/2007 : 10:57:40
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| I don't know if I can add anything to what's already been said. In my own case, I recently (like this morning) realized I've been growing cobwebs sitting in a recliner reading or watching reruns because doing nothing hurts less than doing something. A family member said, "If you want to get better, get off your butt and get moving, but do it in small increments." This makes sense because I've been a world class couch potato for over a year now and I've lost both muscle tone and endurance. Tiredness causes more tiredness. It also causes depression, which causes tiredness. Vicious circle. |
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Wavy Soul
USA
779 Posts |
Posted - 04/23/2007 : 10:59:13
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Yes, I absolutely know that at the core of the hole is wholeness.
I know I am moving from aloneness to All-Oneness.
I seem to have spent my whole life on this process, one hole after another. But this feels like the mother of all holes.
exciting!
(But let's see, who can I call to chat?) ;-)
Love is the answer, whatever the question |
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tennis tom
USA
4749 Posts |
Posted - 04/23/2007 : 15:12:24
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Hi Wavy S,
Sorry to hear that you aren't doing so well. Perhaps you have hit a plateau. It sounds like you have made great strides toward transformation, coming from years of TMS to becoming a gym rat.
Progress is not a straight line. At times we hit plateaus, they are good places to get over-views from and take a break before the next leap.
Best Wishes,
tt
some of my favorite excerpts from 'TDM' : http://www.tmshelp.com/forum/topic.asp?TOPIC_ID=2605
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Kristin
98 Posts |
Posted - 04/23/2007 : 20:01:47
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This is a great thread! It feels deep and full of potential. I just want to say that lately I am going into the darkness too. I am using Julia Cameron's The Artist's Way to help guide my journey at the moment. It's bringing up issues, good and difficult. Even though I know certain truths of my own inner goodness, I am having huge blocking issues that prevent me from making that goodness public even in my own family.
Wavysoul, I have so much respect for your input and thoughts shared on this board. I have always been intrigued with the idea of going inward, finding solace there in being alone but not lonely. But that has changed as I grow older. It feels more lonely. I have fewer friends because of work, schedules, small town, business, other priorities. I am prone to mental complexities which baffle and confound my spouse. For me, it is extremely isolating. I was reassured by meeting with a pschyodynamic therapist for awhile but have not been in awhile. One of our issues is "same old same old" To him it's always the same issues. I see it differently, like things come around in a spiral, same insecurities different trigger, perhaps. Maybe you can explore what is different currently on your mind now. What current events or relationships might be triggering the desire to go into coccoon or resting before the beautiful emergence? ( so close to emergency?!)
Best Wishes!
Kristin |
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Wavy Soul
USA
779 Posts |
Posted - 04/25/2007 : 10:30:42
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Oh God!
This is difficult. I am SO tired I have had to take several caffeine tabs to do what I'm committed to today.
I think part of it is not to see this as a problem. That is how it "gets" me. When I can laugh it off and keep starting over with a new day, I can see how I will gradually recover (or suddenly, for that matter!).
I'm noticing the feelings the fatigue brings up are intense. Except that - wait a minute! - it isn't the fatigue bringing them up. They were already there. It's that fertile darkness I say I want to explore...
yuk yuk yuk yuk
Love is the answer, whatever the question |
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miehnesor
USA
430 Posts |
Posted - 04/25/2007 : 17:05:05
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Wavy- some big feelings are probably working there way upwards.
Have you tried to do some relaxation and visualizations and talk to your IC about what might be happening? Maybe give her some affirmations. Try talking, the adult to the child, and giving support, love, understanding, attention whatever and see if any of the things you say resonates? Imagine yourself holding her and telling her whatever you intuitively thinks she wanted to here as a child but never did. This is powerful stuff and has worked for a lot of people. It may not work quickly but eventually it may start to jog loose some feelings that are buried inside.
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Penny
USA
364 Posts |
Posted - 04/25/2007 : 17:38:28
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quote:
My naturo-doc said it was a thyroid thing and now I'm having what feels like a migraine in reaction to the damn thyroid meds.
Darling Wavy .... tell me more about your thyroid, meds, and what tests they ran to diagnose you. ARe you on Armour, synthroid, or something else? What dose and how long?
I know you have been challenged with TMS but if you have an underactive thyroid (hypothyroid) and you are undermedicated, it can cause massive fatigue and migraines.
I am an abnoxious know-it-all when it comes to thyroid ... been there done that got a lot of warwounds. I'd love to help you with this. ... at least contribute my experience to help you rule out that it's not your thyroid and is actually TMS. It could be a combo., but thyroid is one of those things that can cause organic dysfunction.
Hugs to you!
>|< Penny |
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Wavy Soul
USA
779 Posts |
Posted - 04/25/2007 : 22:32:29
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Thanks all...
Penny Darling, thanks for the offer, but I don't want to get into my meds and thyroid and stuff here. I really trust my doc who is quite unusually brilliant and went again to see him today and feel I have it sorted out.
I keep realizing that not giving the whole physical aspect of the thing too much attention is the path for me here.
I have a few days off and am going to do a lot of meditation. I will probably report in with my brilliant discoveries from the depth of the hole in my soul (which of course leads to the Cosmic Universal Hospital).
xxx
Love is the answer, whatever the question |
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Penny
USA
364 Posts |
Posted - 04/26/2007 : 06:36:18
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quote:
Originally posted by Wavy Soul
Penny Darling, thanks for the offer, but I don't want to get into my meds and thyroid and stuff here.
I completely understand. Just wanted to offer help. Having a doctor you trust is really a HUGE benefit. You are very right about not going into the physical stuff.
Wishing you many insights ... down the rabbit hole 
>|< Penny |
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Sick and tired of feeling...
