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Wavy Soul
USA
779 Posts |
 Posted - 03/25/2007 : 00:03:12
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Just got back from a week's yoga retreat in Mexico. S**t, guys! Within one day I had such nausea and exhaustion that I slept all day, and this came and went all week. Within two days I had my same old back pain that took me out of yoga in the past, and nothing seemed to shake it all week.
I spent a lot of time lying on my back unable to move while the others did all this cool stuff around me. I got to notice what a HUGE trigger this was for me. I realized that the belief that I'm really disabled was almost overwhelming, along with the incredible grief and sadness and fear and rage that such a belief brings up for me. I was constantly trying to get in touch with my "real" feelings, but I could feel how they had been subsumed for 30 years by all the symptoms and then having feelings about the symptoms.
(My story was that I had chronic fatigue, fibromyalgia and back problems for 30 years, much better in last 2 years especially with Sarno but all through mindbody approach).
I journalled and did it all but it was SO discouraging to be but only one who couldn't do the yoga after dragging my ass there. It was, of course, very valuable in many ways.
I remembered what a bummer it is to feel ill and in pain and out of control of it. I felt like a phoney and as I said, I felt as if I was disabled. I had to keep very clearly reminding myself that there is no way I am disabled. A little setback doesn't mean anything. Look at how I have been getting steadily better.
Steadily better is the thing, isn't it?
Thanks for listening.
xx
Love is the answer, whatever the question |
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shawnsmith
Czech Republic
2048 Posts |
Posted - 03/25/2007 : 06:41:05
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quote:
Originally posted by Wavy Soul
I spent a lot of time lying on my back unable to move while the others did all this cool stuff around me.
It is easy to give into the pain. Just to lay back and not do anything. In sneeks up on you so subtly. I think we all have been through this. Over and over we fall into same kind of trap and we feel like a fool for having done so, but at the same time cannot understand what we did not fall into that trap. We analyze it over and over but no answer comes to mind.
From my vantage lying on my back is just a no no, even when the pain is acute. It is these times that I must get up and get moving, even if it is for a short while. If I don't, the pain wins and I will be stuck in a cycle of defeat that takes a lot of work to get out of.
There is a book by Susan Jeffers called "Feel the Fear and do it Anyway." I think that preety much sums up our relation with TMS. Yes, there is fear and loathing and we do not want to move from our position. It is essential, however, that we acknowledge this fear, not trying to dismiss it or trying to pretend it is not there. Instead we look it straight in the face and challenge it. The words of Dr. Sarno ring true. "You must resume all normal physical activity," and "You cannot hurt yourself."
Yes, it is discouraging when the pain returns. Yes, it requires a lot of exhausting mental work to make the subside that sometimes make us almost sick and weary. Yes, doubts creep in and we are tempted to give up. But this is our life and, armed with knowledge and a desire to get better, we persevere, which the dictionary defines as "to persist in anything undertaken; maintain a purpose in spite of difficulty, obstacles, or discouragement; continue steadfastly."
I want to share with you a poem I wrote. It was written on a day I had a lot of pain in my body and I went for a very long walk anyways. Perhaps it will speak to you:
Staring Down The Dog Of Fear
Shawn Smith- Written on August 16, 2006
As I step out of the door of my dwelling
A cool breeze envelopes me
I proceed towards my destiny one step at a time
The uncertainty is both frightening and exhilarating
Shall my day be filled with pleasure?
She it be filled with pain?
Will my path be difficult?
Or will it be fraught with many obstacles?
The answers to my questions lay before me
I venture forward
The cat is now out of the bag
The chicken is now out of its coop
Part of me desires to peer into the future
But that's like leafing forward to the end of the book
The story is ruined before you get a chance to enjoy it
Fear is lurking in the air
Something is about to happen
I can feel it
I can almost taste it
But I move forward in spite of my feelings
A fierce looking dog steps into my path
The fear has now taken on a physical shape
It reveals its razor sharp teeth
It braces itself to lurch forward in my direction
I can sense its craving for the taste of blood - my blood
My body becomes frozen with fear
My heart leaps into my throat
I can barely breathe
Will this be my end?
I stand my ground
I refuse to run away
I muster up the courage to growl back at the ferocious, now frothing at the mouth, canine
I make my own lurch forward
It is either me or that damn dog
And if I'm going down, I'm going down with a fight
The dog does not expect my reaction
A worried look comes over its face
It lets out a big yipe
Its tail is now between its legs
As I am about to leap forward it slowly crawls away
Whimpering with fear as it does so
I call after it
"Get the hell out of here and don't come back again!"
My energy is drained
My heart is still beating very fast
Yes, I have stared down another beast and have prevailed yet again
*************
Sarno-ize it!
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Wavy Soul
USA
779 Posts |
Posted - 03/25/2007 : 07:59:55
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Thanks. Loved your poem and I agree about staring down the pain and doing it anyway (and I love that book).
I was also unable to move because I was completely drained from some kind of stomach bug. So it was a one-two punch. I kept sitting up again, trying to do it, collapsing. And when I did more forward-bending, it got so much worse I couldn't breathe. Maybe if I'd had a TMS coach there, but the yoga teacher was like "what are you doing, pushing like that?"
It's hard to imagine what chronic and acute fatigue are like if you haven't experienced them. I was remembering what it had been like for so long.
Am "doing it anyway" as much as I can now I'm back. But tomorrow I'm going to see the only doc who has ever been able to fix this particular problem, real or imagined (he just does one or two lateral adjustments and the pain is gone. He's an MD).
My experience with this back pain has been that I've still needed a couple of adjustments since I self-diagnosed with TMS. The difference has been that it hasn't kept coming back. But once the dreaded tweak has happened an adjustment works better than painkillers and trying to push through. The doc is totally down and jiggy with the TMS diagnosis, but says this is still a real thing (had it since I was young).
Anyway, I'm not trying to convince anyone. Just wending my way through the woods here.
xx
Love is the answer, whatever the question |
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Wavy Soul
USA
779 Posts |
Posted - 03/25/2007 : 08:01:22
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Oh yes and...
more to the point, am I angry? Enraged? Absolutely. I was absolutely able to find all kinds of reasons and sources and so on.
The main one these days seems to be the human condition and how we all treat each other.
xx
Love is the answer, whatever the question |
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shawnsmith
Czech Republic
2048 Posts |
Posted - 03/25/2007 : 13:25:01
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Hmmmm, if you are going in to get "one or two lateral adjustments" - whatever that means- then you still believe you have a physical / strucutral problem. All the Sarno-izing in the world cannot take away the pain from someone who continues with the physical treatments.
I hope you feel better soon.
*************
Sarno-ize it!
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Wavy Soul
USA
779 Posts |
Posted - 03/26/2007 : 22:30:17
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ha ha ha
would that it were so black and white
xx
Love is the answer, whatever the question |
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Lizzie
United Kingdom
56 Posts |
Posted - 03/27/2007 : 06:51:56
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Wavy Soul
Something to explore in your journal. When you were doing the yoga you had lots of other people to compare yourself against who sound like they were moving well and that could be a chance for TMS rage to kick in. For me one issue I know I have to battle is comparing myself against others. I can feel envious/angry with myself/sad/guilty at not being able to crack TMS/feel it's unfair when I see others moving easily. I know as a perfectionist I make these comparisons constantly at some level and it is not good for me. In most of my life I have experienced a lot of success but feeling a failure because of back and neck pain is to the perfectionist in me (for want of a better phrase) my "achilles heel." I can hike miles, see no one and feel fine but I think my pain increases as I see others moving unconsciously. It's not logical and I think it is to do with on a deep level, lack of belief in my ability to move so freely again and I have no answer save to suggest you explore this issue for yourself as it sounds as if you share this. Maybe it is a final per cent of trust in the TMS diagnosis that I need to conquer to be pain free? Maybe it's the same for you?
Lizzie
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shawnsmith
Czech Republic
2048 Posts |
Posted - 03/27/2007 : 14:26:03
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quote:
Originally posted by Wavy Soul
ha ha ha
would that it were so black and white
xx
Love is the answer, whatever the question
What makes you doubt that you have TMS and that these physical modalities will help you instead? I personally was down on my back unable to move, so I know how difficult it is, but these physical treatments will impede progress because it is an attempt to treat a psychological condition using a physical modality. Unless you wean yourself of these so called "adjustment" treatments, you will find yourself in a cycle of pain and not really addressing the core cause of your pain.
*************
Sarno-ize it!
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Singer_Artist
USA
1516 Posts |
Posted - 03/28/2007 : 14:09:35
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Hi Wavy Soul,
I wish I would have read this earlier, but I was too caught up in a silly drama on here...Anyhow, I empathize with you so much! I can relate and it reminds me of various times in my life that I was layed up for months with my neck or knee and hearing kids outside of my window having fun in the sunshine! It is very painful, emotionally speaking, to feel the limitations the TMS can put on us sometimes...I can especially feel your frustration because you went all the way to Mexico for this retreat! I think you are handling it very well, however, and I have faith in your ability to rise about this! Steadily better is everything!
Shawn,
As always, your replies are so full of wisdom and I always learn something!..great poem too!!
Hugs and God bless,
Karen
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Whew - did I backslide or take a leap?
