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shawnsmith
Czech Republic
2048 Posts |
 Posted - 03/03/2007 : 13:53:21
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I am just publicly journalling here so no need to read or respond if you don''t want to.
I am having a yucky TMS day. Let's leave it there as I don't like to discuss bodily symptoms.
I am left with great sadness. The only think that does not make me freak-out completely is the knowledge that I have gained from reading Dr. Sarno's work and that the pain is completely benign.
There is a lot of things taking place in my life lately including:
1) Just bought a new place, and borrowed some of the money from the family.
2) Pressures of university courses and getting some unfavorable remarks back on a recent paper.
3) I just dropped my application off for grad school. I dropped out of grad school years ago as I could not take the pressure, so I wanted to give it another go. I will not know the answer to my application for some time, and I am not even so sure this is what I want to do. But with governments spend trillions of dollars on the "war on terrorism," unless I am willing to go fget my head blown off in Iraq or Afghanistan, then there are not a lot of employment options. As a side-bar, I notice that, according to this odd report, "Peanuts Kill More Americans Than Terrorists:" http://www.prisonplanet.com/articles/january2007/050107peanutskill.htm
The problem is love peanut butter so on to number 4.....
4) I am getting really FAT. "You know I'm fat, I'm fat, I'm really, really fat......" (see: www.com/weirdal/fat.html" target="_blank">http://www.com-www.com/weirdal/fat.html)
For those who don't like the "f" word they can use the word rotund. This does worry me at times, although I am very healthy and don't eat a lot of fatty foods. I think all these ads of TV and elsewhere about obesity and other health issues get to me at times, at least at the unconscious level of my awareness.
5) My wife has a doctor friend visiting her this weekend and I really don't like her so I left the house for the day. I cannot put my finger on why I don't like her, I just don't. I know I told her about Sarno before and she bought his books but I feel a bit embarrassed meeting her again as I have not made a lot of improvement in my physical symptoms after close to three years of consistent Sarno-izing. At least not the progress I would have liked to see.
6) I am aware of some anger issues with regards to my wife, but I am cannot quite put my finger on them. I feel constantly annoyed with her over nothing and feel myself becoming increasingly distant and unloving. In addition, although I may be wrong about that too, I feel she is not that happy with me and is tired of my constant suffering, despite her words of support. As much as I hate it, I am very dependent on her. Maybe I left the house today to punish her for having this person over I don't like. Just a thought.
7) People are moving in my apartment building on my floor this weekend and in the process are making a lot of noise. Grrrrrr.
8) The landlord is showing our apartment this weekend to a number of people even though we have company and thus this is a great hassle.
The bottom line for many TMSers, like myself, is that we want things to go a certain way and become angry when they don't. Strangely, my TMS is always worse on the weekend, and this is the time I spend most with my wife....Hmmmmmm. I just don't know....
Shawn
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Sarno-ize it!
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miehnesor
USA
430 Posts |
Posted - 03/04/2007 : 11:34:59
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| Have you been able to talk with your wife about this anger even though you don't know exactly what it is all about. Touchy subject for sure but I think TMS is chock full of touchy subjects. Just a thought. I tend to have a bias that a lot of TMS issues are with people that we are most close to. |
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shawnsmith
Czech Republic
2048 Posts |
Posted - 03/05/2007 : 16:17:05
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miehnesor,
I feel I discuss all these matters with my wife with great candidness, but, of course, I could, unbeknownst to me, be supressing or repressing many other feelings that I am not currently aware off. I don't like to overwhelm her all the time with this is she does have a lot of worries also, including a very sick mother and a stressful job.
I do hate the fact I am dependent upon her, as I see this as a failure on my part. I have established in my mind a standard of what it means to be a "good husband." Don't ask me where this all came from- society, personal upbringing and religious beliefs, I guess. Unfortunatley, with elements of perfectionism - coupled with low-self esteem - resident within me, I cannot possibly live up to these standards so it generates a lot of inward anger, frustration and shame within me which are hard to deal with at times. The fact that I have not been able to get better has contributed to my inward (and outward) anger and a sense of defeat.
My wife does say that I am a pefectionist and I don't not take criticism very well. In addition, I crave praise and attention - something I don't get a lot of in my life - and when I don't get praise I interpret this as a criticism. I even feel inwardly wounded my the slighest provocation from this board at times.
The funny thing is, pefectionist is not a characteristic I see myself as possessing as I see many mistakes and shortcomings in what I do and write. But the again, that last sentence just my have confirmed that I am a perfectionist. No matter what a perfectionist does, it will NEVER be adequate. That's me to a "T."
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Sarno-ize it!
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miehnesor
USA
430 Posts |
Posted - 03/06/2007 : 09:58:11
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Shawn- It does seem like you have a lot of self awareness. Perhaps the symptoms won't subside until you make more progress on the reasons why you have the low self esteem and perfectionistic personality characteristics. This is not easy to be sure and you may need help to get to these core feelings. Feeling the rage and the deep sadness underneath for not getting your childhood needs met.
I was just reading a section out of the TDM last night that highlights this with patient James on pages 175-179. It highlights this journey which is my journey into my own pain. |
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Journaling- no need to read
