I want to tell about my day in the hopes that it's helpful, and also that someone may have some helpful input:
I woke up with so much pain throughout my body that I literally couldn't move. It took me right back into the past - a very long past that I had almost forgotten in which I had debilitating fibro for decades. Hundreds of hours of misery. Thank God for the healing I've had in the last year!
Anyway, there it was again. It was so extreme that my immediate response was to try to figure out what was going on physically. You know the drill (or maybe you don't). Go to shower and have long, hot shower. Go to kitchen and dowse various supplements to see which I need (e.g. liver-cleansing herbs).
Then I remembered and started asking what I'm feeling. I thought I was pretty okay, relatively speaking. I mean, I'm still in aftermath of horrible divorce, life falling apart, etc. so things are mostly sunny from within rather than from without, but actually I generally feel pretty joyful.
I came to the computer and started journaling in my password-protected f**k you file (everyone should have one!).
To my surpriser I started slagging off on Hugh Grant, whom I saw in the hysterical movie Music and Lyrics last night. Why was I so angry with Hughie? Well, as I journaled, I realized that over the years I have picked up on a couple of interviews and that I have come to project my father on him. My dad is (was - died last year) a skinny, charming English narcissist who never felt any feelings and was always shaming me whenever I seemed to have any - like about his abandoning our family.
I remembered seeing Hughie on TV after he got caught with a hooker in Hollywood. The American interviewer asked him if he was looking within to see why he had, (a) done it and (b) gotten caught. Oh no, he said derisively, you Americans go in for all this psychoanalysis (sic), but I don't believe in it. I just did something wrong, and that was it.
Somehow my subconscious had stored this and placed it close to my ROR (Reservoir of Rage) at my dad, which was the main cause of my TMS.
Wrote more about my feeling and I've spent a quiet day. The pain is not all gone, but I no longer feel so panicky about it.
I think the point, for me, is that some part of my mind always wants to think I'm "done" with my rage about basic old stuff. It wants to shame me (as my parents did) if I'm not. This is the very same part that employs the TMS strategy to distract me from these feelings. If I don't believe any and all feelings are reasonable, it's harder to access them.
This is an ongoing lesson for me.
Any comments?
Love is the answer, whatever the question |
Oops! A recurrence.
Posted - 02/25/2007 : 16:56:15
