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robbokop
United Kingdom
75 Posts |
 Posted - 01/22/2007 : 04:19:01
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Morning.
I have had the symptoms of TMS in the form of cold hands and anxiety for about 2 years now following reading Mindbody Prescription and accepting the diagnosis. It doesn't sound a lot, but as a pianist it greatly affects me daily in my routine of practice and gig work. I have 100% accepted Dr Sarno's theory and have worked so hard to conquer the symptoms - still they persist. I try to be positive and sit down to do my practice - I stay in the moment, I do things mindfully, I have beaten pillows, screamed in the car, I have confronted feelings to do with my mothers' suicide, I feel like I am in touch with feelings of anger, loneliness etc, I have shouted at the symptoms and I have spent time accepting them and focused on the psychological and I have reestablished a relationship with God.
My dream growing up was to be a session musician, to play jazz piano for a profession. I have achieved my goal - I am doing it. Great you might say, and in theory I agree. But I can honestly say that I am finding little enjoyment in it. Every gig I play I feel completely out of touch with any feelings, other than total frustration that I cannot beat TMS - it is so hard for me to play, the anxiety and freezing hands get so bad. Some of the jazz we play is so great, I see people's smiling faces in the audience and people compliment me on my playing - but it doesn't touch me. As a child you learn that when something's hot not to touch it. Well to me, I don't how much longer I can continue doing the thing I know I love when it is bringing me so much pain. I have been in pyschotherapy for 7 months, and feel much closer to my emotions now, but the symptoms persist, they are so stubborn. What gets me is that the strength of the symptoms only comes from inside me, so for some reason in my subconscious I am fighting so hard not to feel the emotions.
I am beginning to have some dark thoughts about the only way to escape this nightmare and am finding it difficult to carry on fighting. I can only keep praying and hoping that it will get better. Do you think some people are stuck with TMS until it decides to leave? because I feel as though I have no control in the matter anymore.
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tennis tom
USA
4749 Posts |
Posted - 01/22/2007 : 06:05:49
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"I am beginning to have some dark thoughts about the only way to escape this nightmare and am finding it difficult to carry on fighting. I can only keep praying and hoping that it will get better. Do you think some people are stuck with TMS until it decides to leave? because I feel as though I have no control in the matter anymore."
Hi Robbokop,
Sorry to hear that you aren't doing well. I assume that by dark thoughts you are referring to suicidal thoughts. Have you discussed this with your therapist? Most people have those thoughts at some point. When I was deep in my depression I had them.
You are depressed obviously. Do you have a good raport with your therapist? How is he/she treating your depression? If you feel you are not making progress with your therapist maybe it's time to move on to a new one that might be more helpful. Have you talked with your clergyman or a religious counselor from your church? Your issues are about your spirit, why not discuss them with the experts in that department?
We don't have direct control over our unconscioius, that's the point of TMS. It's a nether world that controls us. All we can do is work at understanding the cantankerous gremlin through the two TMS stalwarts "knowledge and acceptance". It works in mysterious ways.
Everyone's TMS is different as we all have different histories and futures and nows. It may go away overnight or linger for years. We can nibble away at it by asserting our freedom of choice as to what we think and what we do. It's an amorphous blob of irrational thoughts.
Everytime we take mental action or physical action we build up our confidence in our power to make it through. Some times the problem is being stuck in a state of ambiavalence and having too many choices and no direction. It sounds like you are stuck there. Having fulfilled your life-long dream you need new dreams.
Having achieved your life-long goal is always a let-down. It's time to create some new dreams to buffer the dark ones with--a new raison'd etre. How are your relationships? Maybe you need to find someone to live for.
Have you read the Good Doctor's newest book, THE DIVIDED MIND?
If not I recommend it highly, it addresses many of your concerns.
Best Wishes,
tt
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Edited by - tennis tom on 01/22/2007 07:49:51 |
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vnwees
64 Posts |
Posted - 01/22/2007 : 07:34:59
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Robbokop;
I agree with tt...read (and re-read) the Divided Mind, Sarno's new book. Each time I re-read any of his books (and Dr. Sopher's book) I find some tidbit I'd missed before. I've been doing Sarno since 1998 and still see new ideas or have fresh thoughts/insights every reading.
I totally identify with "the feelings just not coming in", even when there is love, smiles, kindness, support etc. all around you. It's both scary and depressing. However, my experience has been that IT WILL PASS! IT WILL GET BETTER! HANG IN THERE! DON'T GIVE UP! And for me, all those things eventually happened.
One thing I remember from Dr. Sopher's book, and I've written it in my journal to re-read regularly is to celebrate my successes. Even the tiniest bit of progress I see, I try to do something nice for myself. This can be something small, like looking thru that new magazine I've been saving, taking a few minutes with a cup of tea and remembering to breathe, (maybe browsing at new pianos?)or going for a hot tub/massage, etc.
The point is that sometimes I'd get so caught up in "I'm doing this and doing that and nothings working so I'll do MORE", which is sometimes a good thing. But sometimes some gentleness and TLC is needed, too. Just saying, "yes, I still feel crappy, but I'm taking action (therapy, reading sarno, whatever) and these are GOOD things I'm doing. Self care is good for me. I won't give up." Once or twice a year I find a quiet retreat is helpful, too. Somewhere I don't need to do anything for anyone else. A night or two away alone, or to a Monastary/Retreat I love 5 hours away. Some actions that a person who cared about themselves would take. The old fake it til you make it. Over time these things have all helped me, but not getting results quickly can be frustrating. So keep reading the books, in case you've missed some important points like I did (still do). Be gentle and loving to yourself...you're trying...working hard...give yourself points for that.
My son committed suicide. It's not the answer.
Good luck! Things will improve.
Vicki |
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miehnesor
USA
430 Posts |
Posted - 01/22/2007 : 18:47:57
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Rob- It will get better as long as you keep working on it. Don't despair.
In your previous post about your first psychotherapy session you described feeling a lot of body sensations which sounded an aweful lot like a fear response. My question to you now is whether you still feel that same kind of response? If so you are still probably afraid of the repressed rage and your body will not stop with the symptoms until your unconscious stops being so afraid it. The only way i've been able to reduce symptoms is to let the rage out when I feel those panic fear type body symptoms. If you are not into the feelings in therapy then perhaps you are not getting the full benefits of therapy. I don't know if that is helpful to you but it might be so I throw that out to you as something to think about.
One thing that i've realized by doing this work is that it's easy to not realized just how much repressed rage can be stored inside. So we think- ok i've felt the anger so why do I still have symptoms. But I and maybe you may have to process the rage for some time before the symptoms subside. Remember that you have a lifetime of repressed anger and what your mother did to you was the ultimate abandonment. Your inner child is furious and needs to express it.
I know you are still in a lot of discomfort but I know you have made progress on your TMS, if not physically yet, then at least emotionally. You will overcome this and win. Don't lose faith. |
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robbokop
United Kingdom
75 Posts |
Posted - 01/24/2007 : 06:18:41
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Hi TT, Vicki and Miehnesor.
Thank you for your kind and thoughtful responses.
The therapist I see is really good and there has been lots of progress. I don't have that same response now Meihnesor or level of symptoms. I can talk about my Mum quite openly now, and have access to feelings that I previously didn't. Sometimes I feel in touch with emotions generally and yet the symptoms are just there like a stubborn mule. I think that maybe even though on a conscious level I'm desperate to be 'better', my subconscious has other plans for me, and I haven't been able to convince it otherwise yet!
Vicki, sorry about your son and thanks for your good advice. I have a renewed hope now, I can do this!
TT - I will talk to the therapist about the depression and suicidal thoughts I have had. Thanks for your pearls of wisdom.
Cheers,
Rob |
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miehnesor
USA
430 Posts |
Posted - 01/24/2007 : 14:53:21
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Rob- You are doing really well and making progress but you are not done and it's going to take more time and work. Be patient and know that you will see the symptoms continue to back off.
You are in a similar place then I was about 1 1/2 years ago. I saw some reduction of symptoms and had connected with some feelings but still the symptoms were pretty strong. I was able to talk about all my hot button issues in therapy without feeling panicy but the symptoms remained.
What I did at that point was to incorporate a inner child meditation in therapy and discovered that I was able to bring up all those body symptoms of panic and fear by relaxing and bonding to the child within me in a loving supportive way. Then I released the rage and partially expressed it and that finished the panic and fear immediately and brought some sadness and healing.
The challenge then became finding a venue where I could really express the rage (scream it out and pound pillows simultaneously). Understandably it was not allowed because it would disturb the other therapy sessions in the building. My progress was slow and there was something inside me that really wanted unrestricted expression of the rage. I sensed it and acted on it. I had to quit with one therapist and start with another who would let me do that kind of intense rage release work.
This switch in therapy, that I did only about 5 months ago, was exactly what I needed to bring the symptoms down much more. They are not gone but significantly better.
Now I don't know if that's what you need to do or whether the continued symptoms have to do with something else that you haven't discovered. But it gives you some ideas of different things you can do in therapy to flush out the feeling responsible for symptoms.
For me unrestricted rage release was key to challenging the fear of my own anger and showing my unconscious that he will survive the experience. So for me there was no attempting to convince my inner child to not be so fearfull but rather to show by experience that the belief system of my childhood no longer applies. |
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vnwees
64 Posts |
Posted - 01/24/2007 : 19:31:37
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Hi again, Rob;
The most important thing is not to give up. Good for you for hanging in there! I surely don't have all the answers but I do know that giving up is the one thing that won't get you anywhere. Being kind to yourself while you put one foot in front of the other helps. It can be frustratingly slow at times, then one day you'll think, "wow, I've come a long way!" Life can be tricky. My mom, who was mentally ill, never gave up, always kept trying to improve. I hated her in my earlier years, but came to love and respect her efforts in her final years. Sadly, my son and your Mum gave up. They are our reminder of how not to do it.
Things WILL get better! Take care,
Vicki |
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Littlebird
USA
391 Posts |
Posted - 01/24/2007 : 19:49:48
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Miehnesor, if I may ask, did challenging the fear of your own anger involve identifying the sources of the anger? And when you say "to show by experience that the belief system of my childhood no longer applies," is that also referring to the fear of your own anger? If this is more than you want to share, please don't feel pressured to answer.
I'm feeling kind of stuck part way with being able to allow the anger, so your comments are really interesting to me. |
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Lamar
USA
2 Posts |
Posted - 01/24/2007 : 21:05:23
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| ON Primetime ABC I learned of disembarkment syndrome. I understand it can be relieved somewhat as one is in motion. Has anyone with disembarkment syndrome tried using a vibrator to give you the effect of motion--perhaps a vibrating hat? |
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tennis tom
USA
4749 Posts |
Posted - 01/24/2007 : 22:00:13
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Hi Lamar,
The topic has come up in a couple of threads on dizziness. Do a "search" of "disembarkment" and the word will be highlighted in yellow.
Your idea of a vibrating hat is intrigueing. Where do you place the hat?
Cheers,
tt |
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Lamar
USA
2 Posts |
Posted - 01/25/2007 : 11:01:38
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I was thinking the hat would be any kind that would support the necessary stimulous of motion. I suggested the head because that is where motion is detected through the auditory system. I guess you could attach a vibrating belt around the waist but I would think that would need a stronger vibration. Is TMS not associated with Disembarkment syndrome? I got this link when I looked the subject up so I just assumed.
Lamar |
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miehnesor
USA
430 Posts |
Posted - 01/25/2007 : 15:58:54
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quote:
Originally posted by Littlebird
Miehnesor, if I may ask, did challenging the fear of your own anger involve identifying the sources of the anger? And when you say "to show by experience that the belief system of my childhood no longer applies," is that also referring to the fear of your own anger? If this is more than you want to share, please don't feel pressured to answer.
I'm feeling kind of stuck part way with being able to allow the anger, so your comments are really interesting to me.
Littlebird- The answer to both of your questions is yes. 99% or the repressed rage is directed at mom. 1% dad. My TMS repressed emotions were generated very early in my life before my conscious memory. When you are that small it's all about mom.
There is no doubt in my mind at this point that if you can experience and release your anger you will greatly benefit TMSwise. Additionally if you can experience it with unrestricted intensity then you will benefit the most and get the most healing. Best if you can feel like you are fully letting it go. For me screaming it out while simultaneously beating couch pillows felt like I was really letting it go and losing control for just a moment. I only needed to do this for about 5 seconds and I was done. Another interesting observation was that truly letting it go got me much deeper into the sadness afterwards. This often lasted for several minutes. Really letting myself cry about it was also very healing.
What do you think is holding you back from releasing the anger? |
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Littlebird
USA
391 Posts |
Posted - 01/25/2007 : 20:50:08
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Miehnesor, thanks for your reply.
I know I have rage from early childhood related to my mother, who was mentally unstable and an alcoholic. My dad was a great support until his mother died, when I was 13, then he totally withdrew into depression and alcoholism. But the biggest issue, I think is that I'm feeling major emotional abandonment again, in my relationship with DH. There are also some issues with DS. Both of them are very distressed by even minor displays of anger from me--we're all confrontation avoiders--so I am adding suppressed anger on top of the old repressed stuff. It's confusing--I relate to their fear of someone else's anger, because I have the same fear, but feeling like I can't confront them just adds to all the other anger I have. They are also distressed by sadness in me, so I feel like no one wants to let me have emotions, which is what I went through with Mom. This adds to my current sense of emotional abandonment. No one wants to let me be a complete person.
Mom was so unstable that I always tried to melt into the background and never say or do anything that might set off her rage, because she could be violent. She didn't beat me, but if I set her off she'd threaten to kill both my dad and herself, and tell me it would be my fault. Since my dad's mother, who was a lot like my mom, had killed his father, everyone in the family thought it best to take my mom's threats seriously. So I grew up trying to have no emotion and have spent my adult life the same way.
I've been to therapy before, but didn't feel like I was getting much out of it. I'd like to try again, but don't have insurance. I may check out the county's sliding scale prices and try to go if it's at all feasible. Having someone who allows me to feel would probably be useful at this point in my efforts to overcome the TMS. And maybe it will help me figure out how to convince my family that the world won't end if they see me feeling an unpleasant emotion.
Thanks again for the response. |
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miehnesor
USA
430 Posts |
Posted - 01/26/2007 : 17:57:19
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Littlebird- From your post it looks like you have a lot of mom issues as well. I can relate to the child witholding feelings for danger of mom and dad abandonment fears. This was the reason I stuffed my anger as well. It also seems like you have the conscious awareness which is the necessary groundwork for doing the feeling work. You are ready.
Your stuff does seem deep seaded and profound and you would definitely greatly benefit from the right therapist but that is unfortunately not that easy to come by in this TMS brain dead world. I would definitely give it a try however because holding on to it is no way to resolve it. You will need to find someone who is not afraid of others and their own emotions. Easier said then done. |
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TMS still going strong
