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Michele
249 Posts |
 Posted - 10/06/2004 : 10:38:17
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Yesterday was horrible, as I reported in yesterday's posting. Yesterday afternoon I had a session with my therapist. She is a sex therapist that my husband insisted we see a few months ago. I went kicking and screaming to the first appointment, and absolutely resisted from the beginning. However, I am the one she has spent the most time with.
I am a sexual abuse survivor and saying no throughout my life has been difficult, if not impossible. I've been unable to say no to my husband and my pain has only become worse and worse.
My therapist was quite forthright with me last night and told me I am killing my soul and spirit if I don't speak up for myself and stop letting my body be violated by having sex when I'm not interested. I felt it was my obligation as a wife, but that's what the abuse did to me. (My husband is not abusing me, he's just being a regular guy who is living with an abuse survivor.) She told me to start taking care of myself.
So I got home and wrote a letter to my body. I apologized for not protecting it, for not keeping it safe and promised that from now on, I would do whatever it took to keep it well and safe. I told it that it's ok now, there's nothing to fear and it can relax, because I would keep my promise to shelter it from harm forever. Sounds a little corny, but who cares.
This morning I was up and ran/walked 2 miles. I have no pain. NO PAIN! |
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smwalker
5 Posts |
Posted - 10/06/2004 : 15:32:58
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Thats great Michelle!! Isn't it amazing??
I was lisining to my favorite radio program the other night, Loveline, and a woman called up with a problem and she mentioned that she had had back surgury at age 14, and I think now she was addidcted to pain pills. Dr. Drew (an addiction medicine specialist)immidiately jumped in with "were you sexually abused as a child" And she came back with, how did you know. He says that 9 out of 10 times when he hears of young people with back problems the common trait they have is they were either physically or sexualy abused as children. I went to our loveline board and asked if anyone had hear Dr. Drew mention Sarno in the past. This is one responce I got:
I don't know if they would necessarily make the back pain/repressed rage connection, but I do know that they (Adam esecially) are quick to point out things that are more psychosomatic in nature -- For instance, "unexplained pelvic pain" always comes up in cases of molestation -- the person clearly has "nothing" physically wrong with them, yet they experience a very real sensation of pain in the pelvic region. A more general example of this would be the people who drive Adam nuts -- the ones who always claim to have generic allergies to things or people who have chronic fatigue syndrome though they don't have any actual physical problems -- What Adam and Drew spot in people is an unconscious desire to be sick, which for whatever reason, does seem to be relatively prevalent in cases who have a history of abuse.
I think they have stumbled onto Sarno's theory but do not know it!!
Steve Walker
Steve@capriceshop.com |
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Laura
USA
655 Posts |
Posted - 10/06/2004 : 16:13:59
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Michelle,
It is interesting you should bring this up. The TMS psychologist I see, Dr. Don Dubin (L.A.), told me that the majority of his TMS clients are sexual abuse survivors. He told me this after I divulged that I had been sexually abused as a child, several times, beginning at the age of 7 or 8. I have, since childhood, suffered from back pain, tension headaches, and stomach aches. There isn't a day that goes by for me pain free. It's either a headache, my back hurts, I have stomach problems (IBS), ringing in my ears, urinary problems, an ulcer, dizziness YOU NAME IT!!!! I wonder what would happen if we were to take a poll and see how many TMS sufferers were sexually abused as children. I think the letter you wrote sounds very therapeutic. Good for you! More people should follow your lead.
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tdk
15 Posts |
Posted - 10/06/2004 : 16:37:21
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Interesting...
I cannot recall any sexual abuse, but I definitely had my share of emotional/mental and, sometimes, physical abuse. IT WAS NEVER SAFE IN MY HOUSE, AND I WAS ALWAYS SCARED, always on alert.
I think any type of abuse as a child, when our needs were not being met and we were in harm's way, sets the stage for tension/anxiety that turns into TMS. It turns the autonomic nervous system to ON and years later the pain is the result.
Easy to explain, difficult to resolve.
TDK
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molomaf
119 Posts |
Posted - 10/06/2004 : 17:57:10
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I also didn't experience sexual abuse but there was definitely emotional abuse and tension in the house I grew up in. What I recall as most upsetting to me was that I had no power to change what was happening to me-no control over my situation.
Michele |
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Burton
USA
18 Posts |
Posted - 10/06/2004 : 19:29:26
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Congratulations Michele! My eyes got a little teary reading your post, this was a huge step for you and one I can relate to.
I was sexually abused as a child, several times, by two older children who also ridiculed me and threatened to hurt my baby brother if I told. When I tried to tell my mom at the time, she thought I was just whining about having to go to the babysitter where the abuse occurred and told me she wasn't going to listen to "that."
I went to therapy for this 14 years ago and it helped some but I still had a lot of equivalents growing up: severe leg pain where my mom rushed me to the ER because I couldn't stand, allergies, hives, knee pain, bladder infections, tinnitis. I developed TMS about five years ago and through digging up a lot of buried feelings over the last two years- mostly about my mom's obliviousness to my needs as a child and as an adult - I've gotten rid of the pain.
I still have issues with sex though. Especially lately, I just feel like it's too much trouble to wade through all of my baggage to get to a place where I'm enjoying it. Even though I adore my husband and find him attractive. Even though I know intellectually that sex is "ok," I feel ashamed of my body and my sexuality. I probably could benefit from a sex therapist myself but I don't want to feel like sex is even more of an "obligation" than I already do. Could you keep us posted on how the therapy helps your TMS and your life? Y'know, in general, if you would feel comfortable doing that. |
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smwalker
5 Posts |
Posted - 10/06/2004 : 21:33:07
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On a hunch I went over to a surviving abuse Forum, Some Comments by the users over there, all diffrent people by the way:
Just wanted to let you all know that I haven’t been around for a bit. I took some days away as I think coming to this site was causing my back pain. Since being here I had to wake up at night and get out of bed due to muscles between my shoulders pulsing tensely and the pain waking me, this made getting to work difficult. I can feel the tension in my head, neck and back now, I didn’t notice before, when I stopped reading here my back got better and last night I had a full nights sleep. I know it’s not the fault of the site and that there is something for me to learn about relaxing, listening to my body etc. When I get a handle on this I will be back
And
I am still processing the memories today but my back feels so much better.It really amazes me that the body can hold so much pain. I have been remembering so much more since I joined TSF, this is a good thing because I need to get it up and deal with the feelings and memories so I can heal from all that was done to me.
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my T (Therapist) told me that just talking about the event can bring back pain and emotion experienced at the time, every time i visit him i get a sickness in my stomach and usually leave with a headache. These wont go away until something else is talked about or i get my mind on other things.
I know now that i have to put up with these feelings and pains if i truely want to get through this. But he also lets me control the sessions to a degree, if it has been a bad day or i already feel sick we talk about school or my family. it helps him out as well as me and lets us steps back for a bit so i dont get too overcome by the pain and emotion.
End
Makes sence to me, if TMS is repressed feelings what other feelings would you want to repress more than abuse?
Steve Walker
Steve@capriceshop.com |
Edited by - smwalker on 10/06/2004 23:39:06 |
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Laura
USA
655 Posts |
Posted - 10/06/2004 : 23:24:07
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Steve,
You hit the nail on the head when you said "What other feelings would you want to repress more than abuse?" As children, we are so helpless and have no sense of control. I remember always wanting to run away from my dysfunctional home and knowing there was nowhere to go. I believe my mother suffered from a severe form of hysteria; everything was a big deal (except later in life when I told her that her own parent had used me to play "doctor" and she made an excuse for it!) I know I have a lot of issues with my Mother and I don't know when and if I can ever resolve them. And for me, it wasn't just sexual abuse but physical (My Father once threw me into a closet so hard the lower rung that held the clothes came out of the wall from the force of my head hitting it.) and verbal as well. My Father told me I was stupid so many times as a child that as an adult I have such a hard time believing in myself. If only parents realized how deep the scars go...
Steve, I also find that like you, just talking about these things with my TMS doctors gives me a splitting headache or a bad stomach ache. Every time I leave Dr. Dubin or Dr. Schechter's office I feel ill in one way or another. It usually takes the form of a massive tension headache that lasts the entire day (or until I feel dizzy or whatever).
I am so grateful for this website. Reading other people's stories and knowing your not alone is a great comfort to me.
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tennis tom
USA
4749 Posts |
Posted - 10/07/2004 : 10:21:30
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Michele,
Congratulaions on your TMS breakthrough and being able to run again. I also had a running breakthrough this Monday. I ran for about two miles without stoppping for the first time in years. I am going to try to run every other day for a week or two then try to run everday for a half hour like I did in the good old days. I need to, to lose some weight but mainly to de-condition my TMS right hip from the limping reflex it had developed over many years.
Thank you for your candor about your sex-abuse, therapy and your relationship with your husband. As a "normal guy" myself, I am curious what the sex therapist reccommended for your husband to do? The therapist said you should take care of your body. Did he/she have any advice for your husband on how he should take care of his body? |
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Michele
249 Posts |
Posted - 10/07/2004 : 14:49:48
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I'm glad my post was helpful to people. I still find it hard to admit the abuse, but am learning that is the shame and I'm learning not to be ashamed. It wasn't my fault!! My family was pretty disengaged. I had food, clothing and shelter, but not alot of emotional bonding going on. I have 4 sisters and we were not close. I'm only close with 2 right now. If I ever talked to my parents about anything more than the weather, it would be a miracle.
tennis tom - as for my husband, he'll be fine. You know I enjoy my relations with my husband, but the timing / mood / etc. has to be just right. I have assured him that if the spirit moves me, he'll know about it! LOL! I believe that in time, those moments will be more frequent. Right now, the emotions are just too near the surface to be violated. Actually, I'm not sure what the therapist will recommend for him as we are finally seeing her as a couple next week. She has been working exclusively with me the last month and a half. Sometimes we forget about the survivor's partner, but they are struggling with alot themselves. I am so blessed to have a partner who TALKS to me, is patient, and who works at the relationship - good or bad. Not everyone is as lucky.
I'll keep you posted. I ran another 2 miles this morning! Yippee! Oh, and Dr. Sopher called me too!  |
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Laura
USA
655 Posts |
Posted - 10/07/2004 : 15:07:29
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Michelle,
Sounds like our parents were separated at birth. I try not to get too deep about anything with mine either. And, like you, I am not very close to either my older brother or my younger sister, although I have made many attempts to be closer. I suspect something happened to my brother but he will never talk about it. He just buries his feelings in drinking alcohol. My sister is the baby and my mother has openly told me that she is her favorite. I could go on and on with stories but I'm sure you have similar experiences so none of this would shock you. Anyway, good luck with your therapy. I know when I underwent therapy for this about 14 years ago I didn't want to come near my husband either and now things are much different. There is a therapy I'd like to try called "EMDR" which was discovered or created by a Dr. Francine Shapiro. I think it stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Re... (can't think of the word that begins with R). This therapy has helped people with different forms of abuse and it also helps to clear out phobias, which often go hand in hand with child abuse. You might go on line and try to get information on it. There is a practitioner in my area who does this and I'm thinking of seeing her one day. Something tells me she could help us TMS patients.
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Allan
USA
226 Posts |
Posted - 10/07/2004 : 17:09:27
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Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR)
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smwalker
5 Posts |
Posted - 10/08/2004 : 00:08:26
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For your info:
A population-based study of the relationship between sexual abuse and back pain: establishing a link.
Linton SJ.
Department of Occupational and Environmental Medicine, Orebro Medical Center, Sweden. steven.linton@orebroll.se
The aim of the present study was to investigate the prevalence of physical and sexual abuse in the general population as well as to investigate the link between abuse and pain. From a pool of randomly selected people 35-45-years-old, three groups were selected based on their reports of their musculoskeletal pain. These were the No Pain Group (n = 449), the Mild Pain Group (n = 229), and the Pronounced Pain Group (n = 271). A group of 142 consecutive patients with chronic musculoskeletal pain was used as a clinical reference group. A standardized questionnaire was employed to determine self-reported physical and sexual abuse. Sexual abuse was more frequently reported than physical abuse and women tended to report more sexual abuse than did men. For women the prevalence of physical abuse ranged from 2% in the No Pain Group to 8% in the Pronounced Pain Group. The total amount of self-reported sexual abuse ranged from 23% in the No Pain Group to 46% in the Pronounced Pain Group. The prevalence of self-reported abuse for the Patient Group differed little from the Pronounced Pain Group and was 35%. For females only, there was a clear link between self-reported abuse and pain as physical abuse increased the risk of pronounced pain by five-fold and sexual abuse increased this risk by four-fold. These data provide the prevalence of self-reported abuse in a 'normal' population base and moreover demonstrate an important link between self-reported abuse and pain for women. The findings show that self-reported abuse may be an important predictor for chronic pain and provide support for the idea that abuse may indirectly or directly be implicated in the chronification of pain.
Steve Walker
Steve@capriceshop.com |
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Michele
249 Posts |
Posted - 10/08/2004 : 08:02:25
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quote:
Originally posted by Laura
Michelle,
Sounds like our parents were separated at birth. I try not to get too deep about anything with mine either. And, like you, I am not very close to either my older brother or my younger sister, although I have made many attempts to be closer. I suspect something happened to my brother but he will never talk about it. He just buries his feelings in drinking alcohol. My sister is the baby and my mother has openly told me that she is her favorite. I could go on and on with stories but I'm sure you have similar experiences so none of this would shock you. Anyway, good luck with your therapy. I know when I underwent therapy for this about 14 years ago I didn't want to come near my husband either and now things are much different. There is a therapy I'd like to try called "EMDR" which was discovered or created by a Dr. Francine Shapiro. I think it stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Re... (can't think of the word that begins with R). This therapy has helped people with different forms of abuse and it also helps to clear out phobias, which often go hand in hand with child abuse. You might go on line and try to get information on it. There is a practitioner in my area who does this and I'm thinking of seeing her one day. Something tells me she could help us TMS patients.
Funny you should mention EMDR. My therapist has mentioned that it might be good for me to try it and she knows a woman in town who does it. Of course, that depends on the progress we're making and the cost.
I know that the lower desire right now is probably because of the therapy and all the emotions are at the surface. I am working hard to get it all out once and for all. Unfortunately, I think sometimes people wrongly assume that abuse survivors can "just get over it". Yes, we can move on, but you never "get over it", you learn to cope with it. If you're like me, an unpleasant emotion will pop up when a news story is reported about horrendous abuse, or a newspaper article will mention abuse, or even seeing neglect in the grocery store. That's when I use my coping skills. To look on the bright side of things, I believe it has made me a more compassionate person toward others. |
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menvert
Australia
133 Posts |
Posted - 10/08/2004 : 20:27:10
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Very good thread guys,
it's making me cry(and any emotional outlet is good for me). Just hearing about abuse toward the innocent, makes me upset.
I myself don't believe/remember I was ever, the target of any physical or sexual abuse .
yet the fact that I have fibromyalgia symptoms, makes me wonder if anything really did happen....
But I did suffer my parents breaking up and my mother moving out of age 4, then living with my dad, who basically was not there emotionally as he was living in his own withdrawn/pain fears/drug haze just struggling to cope. I get along very well with my father now, and have always got along well with my sister, who to some degree was the one who brought me up(although my sister was probably a major source of emotional abuse . nonetheless, like most siblings are). But all my memories of interacting with my dad as a kid, were quite positive. we had a very intellectual relationship.
Not only that we were very poor, so I lived with the constant fear of welfare taking me away from my dad and sister who i love.
And my mother has always been an alcoholic and until about five years my dad's always been a cannabis user (as was I for about seven years, until I gave up as it intensified my pain and made me withdrawn)
But it possibly all comes down to personality again, regarding how much 'lack of power as a child' in any description is enough to effect you significantly.
Because I personally don't think I had a bad/difficult/unfortunate childhood . especially when I read about people who really were targeted with child abuse... which makes me think 'my problems are/were insignificant compared to others'
But that survey quoted was very very interesting... I know, with my memories of a child . some of the events which change your life and your thinking... the perpetrator would have no idea what impact they had on your development. good or bad. |
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Major Breakthrough! TMS is on the run!
