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kevin t
USA
72 Posts |
 Posted - 11/30/2006 : 16:09:41
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Last night I decided to start making audio journals on tape.I started to go back the beginning of my life in chronological order.I went back to the first of many traumatic events as a child.I described the event on tape and went through a buried emotion so deep it scared the crap outa me.My body had a TMS REVOLT.I will call it that.Pains were moving everywhere in my body from my toes to even my eyebrows twitching.I have this thing now that went I start falling asleep my throat will close and I feel like Im choking.Usually it only happens once per night and then I fall asleep. Last night though, it happened about 10 times. Like a damn seizure or something,but not.
I woke up today and Im shaking and feel sick all over like my body went through a marathon. To sum up, there are so many bad memories from my life that I dont know where to start. For some reason my body is revolting in a way that I never knew imaginable. There are obviously things in my mind that my brain just simply hasnt want to accept for years. The question for me now is, do I keep going after it? |
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Tunza
New Zealand
198 Posts |
Posted - 11/30/2006 : 16:25:36
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Wow Kevin, this sounds pretty intense. I don't really have any advice because my childhood wasn't traumatic as far as events go, more that I had panic attacks from the age of 8 that family therapists guessed were because I could sense my mother's repressed anger from everyday stresses.
I haven't read your other posts (I haven't been on the board much lately) but if you are not already seeing a therapist maybe you could start?
What struck me from your post was:
quote:
I have this thing now that went I start falling asleep my throat will close and I feel like Im choking.Usually it only happens once per night and then I fall asleep.
because this used to happen to me too. Since I stopped all caffeine a month ago it has ceased (along with a reduction in my anxiety) and while I know this could be a placebo association I don't care for now because it's nice being able to slip off to sleep no problems (and wake up more refreshed).
I hope you can keep working through these feelings because it really sounds like you're on to something.
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Edited by - Tunza on 11/30/2006 16:26:59 |
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kevin t
USA
72 Posts |
Posted - 11/30/2006 : 19:46:31
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Thanks for the response. Im having a hard time with all this TMS stuff and Im trying like hell to get to the "real" problems as Dr Sarno says. I also know that there is stuff in my unconscious that is trying to escape like crazy. And this Season doesnt help.
For now ,Im just trying to think psychologically. Its hard to train yourself to do that since my whole personality has ALWAYS been about distraction. My mind doesnt want to look at the things it tried for years to forget. I agree with Dr Sarno especially in cases like mine where traumatic childhood stays with you always in some way. It is like it all happened yesterday.
Events like those can make you feel guilty ,inferior,crazy,angry,and even savage for years. I guess that when it has nowhere else to run, it started coming out through my body. That is the process, and it makes sense to me PERSONALLY.
Everyone here has been very helpfull. Thanks for the patience with me when I seem very doubtful. I ask a lot of questions since this is all new to me and I have multiple symptoms. |
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cheeryquery
Canada
56 Posts |
Posted - 12/01/2006 : 03:02:56
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You have a lot of courage or you wouldn't be making the attempt, Kevin. Do hang in there. It's absolutely worth it. I feel that I've reached something of a truce with my "narcissistic rage". I don't push too hard and it let's me keep on pushing. Gradually, over the years, most of my problems have resolved or are a lot better. It is amazing how few people will listen to Sarno's ideas. They would rather suffer endlessly.
Not you, obviously. You can be proud of yourself, I think. |
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h2oskier25
USA
395 Posts |
Posted - 12/01/2006 : 09:43:50
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Kevin, you've given me an idea.
I think I'll do what you are doing. Just start at the beginning.
Don't be afraid of the severity and quantity of Symptoms. Realize this means you are getting Close, very CLOSE. Your ucs is trying SO hard to keep you from experiencing these feelings. Just keep doing it.
With me, I have to say, I've had some extreme feelings while doing my TMS work, but once I felt them, they were gone. I would still look back on the traumatic incident and think it was sad, but there was no feeling left associated with it, or at least not much.
What I'm trying to say is as bad as the feelings are we have to face, its just temporary. Then we render the memories impotent, because they no longer hurt us. We become immune.
Cheers,
Beth |
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kevin t
USA
72 Posts |
Posted - 12/01/2006 : 16:01:35
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Yes I found the same thing to.That just looking at the experience kinda takes the "sting" out of it. For instance, the event that I had stuffed away for many years was about my mother and sister almost being killed in front of me at 5 years old. We never spoke about it much. It was an attempted rape/kidnapping of my sister and mother. I wont get into detail ,but that is my earliest memory in life.
After just going through the event again my mind and rage and anxiety lifted a lot in the past two days. I went through the event in every detail and recorded it on tape....every step of the way.
Also, Ive become more conscious of how I feel and throughout the day I will be mindfull of how I feel about every situation.
Traffic,long lines at the store,inferiority around groups,the days pressures, how I "act" sometimes to get favorable responses from people in tense situations,etc. And at the end of the day I care less about those things and more about myself.It has an adverse effect. Im saying that being MINDFULL about my feelings takes away any Narcissism or self loathing/inferiority , the more I do it.
Learning to admit your feelings about yourself or the dialogue in your head, and being willing to "sit" with it, is what Im doing and its helping.
On a side note, I swam for 50 laps last night in the pool after worrying I had some "major" damage to my spine. I had no pain at all and felt like a teenager again and was going full throttle. Once out of the pool, sitting in my car, the pain started to creep back a little. I smell a Rat here. Something very illogical about that.
I do feel better after swiiming though. More stretched out and my muscles get more oxygen. It also helps get out unspent anxiety and stress, which cant hurt. Plus, we are supposed to go back to physical "NORMS" anyways right? |
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Dug Deep mentally and hurting
