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ndb
209 Posts |
 Posted - 09/05/2006 : 19:20:00
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Usually, when things don't go my way, I feel overwhelmed, unworthy, and depressed. Today wasn't such a good day. I've started taekwondo, but the class is on days when I have an early class in the morning...so basically my whole day is 12 hours out of the house. This is already enough to make me cranky, but this morning,
- I found out an idea I had for my research wasn't going to work.
- My advisor's other student came up with an idea for something which I hadn't been focussing my attention on, making me feel pretty stupid and maybe look like I hadn't been working (I worry about this SO much and I wish I wasn't in a profession where looking smart is such a ****ing big deal).
- In the afternoon I said something to my (other) advisor without thinking it through, making me look stupid AGAIN!
- I made it through the day to taekwondo in the evening. Returning home at 8.30, I went to the bus stop, pleased to see the bus there (last time I waited 30 minutes), only to see him drive off. I gestured to him to stop and let me in. He saw me and SHOOK HIS HEAD! ****ing asshole!!! WTF, you're not doing me a favor by driving the damn bus...Its your JOB to stop for people who want to take the bus! Apologies to any bus drivers on this forum, but that's how I feel. I don't take the bus for pleasure, but to consume less gas, and not pollute.
Finally I walked fast to the next bus stop to let some steam off on the way, but I was just so mad...I beat my umbrella to pieces against the wall. :(. Fortunately it was dark, and just one other person there.
Now I totally sympathize with crazy people on the subway. But it was a bit scary, I felt so violent, and I couldn't stop myself from acting out, I felt so suffocated with bad feelings. Should I not have?
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Edited by - ndb on 09/05/2006 19:23:10 |
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Mary Ann
Canada
42 Posts |
Posted - 09/05/2006 : 20:41:19
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Shoulda coulda woulda
It doesn't matter whether you should have or not, you did.
You beat yourself up enough today about school, don't add this on too. It sounds like you needed a way to vent and an umbrella is pretty safe (and inexpensive). So the person next to you may have thought you crazy. They'll get over it.
Take tomorrow as your "do over."
Mary Ann |
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sonora sky
USA
181 Posts |
Posted - 09/05/2006 : 20:47:09
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ndb, have you read John Lee's _Facing the Fire_? It's about how to express/release anger in a productive way. Since you didn't hurt anyone (including yourself) with the umbrella, it was probably an effective way to let off some steam. Now, if the bus driver had been your target. . .
Outbursts of pent up anger can be scary--the momentary loss of control can be frightening to ourselves and the people around us. Lee advocates planned outbursts in which you can 'let go' but still feel in control of the situation.
I can sympathize with your research frustrations. I'm always worried I'll say something dumb, pronounce something incorrectly, or not research something thoroughly enough, causing me to be shunned from academia.  (Intellectually, I know these are improbable thoughts, but I have them nonetheless.) Are you a grad student? What's your area?
ss |
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armchairlinguist
USA
1397 Posts |
Posted - 09/05/2006 : 21:28:33
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Just wanted to say I can really sympathize with saying something that sounds dumb when you want to be smart...I sometimes say stuff to my boss, and then later realize I was talking utter nonsense. Or I'll suddenly forget my question, or not be able to think of the word I need. It's horribly frustrating. Ditto the bus...that has happened to me many times with the train or bus, and that bus driver sounds like he was very inconsiderate. Sadly he was probably just trying to keep his schedule or something. Or he was mad and letting off his own steam. It's amazing to think of how many times a day we might interact with others who are having their own "moments" where they can't deal.
Lately I just want to scream a lot. Minor things happen and I want to hit things or yell really loud. I don't think it's too bad as long as we can keep a tiny bit of a handle on it and not hurt other people or expensive property. Sounds like you did really well with the umbrella there.
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Wherever you go, there you are. |
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ndb
209 Posts |
Posted - 09/05/2006 : 22:29:29
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Thanks so much for responding...now i feel ashamed of myself for using bad words in my post.
Mary Ann, I'll keep your thought in mind, and ignore the pessimist inside who keeps saying 'it's the end of the world' when things don't go right.
SS, I will give Facing the Fire a read. Maybe if I release anger more methodically, it won't surprise me with such intensity when I'm not alone.
Are you a grad student too? I'm in the area of algorithms in theoretical computer science. Yeah, I always feel that my advisor or professors will keep track of every stupid thing I say and it will lower their opinion of me. I agonize over conversations I have with people and what they thought of what I said (pathetic). Don't really know what to do about it...maybe GRADUATE!
ACL, I guess that's what I was wondering..after journalling I feel more in touch with what I am feeling, but sometimes, it seems a bad thing, like I can lose my temper in public much more easily now. I want the instant gratification of releasing anger. I used to lose my temper easily when I was younger, but I really started to control myself when I started living on my own, and had to deal with stuff.
Do any of you feel sometimes that everybody is conspiring against you? Not in a paranoid way, but I feel very anxious that when it comes down to it, I am the only one who's going to be good to me, I have to take care of myself. I am not confident in my ability to do that. And my interactions with everybody else like other students or professors always have this background of 'are they trying to one up me'. I guess now I remember that in MBP, vulnerability and the need to be taken care of is mentioned.
Another thing, when I read Homecoming by John Bradshaw, my reaction was always that I ALWAYS feel like a kid or a child trying to do grown up things, and not really wanting to. Not as in the book that I'm a grown up who's lost touch with what the inner child is feeling. Maybe I'm too young to feel otherwise. Did anybody read that book? So this confuses me...if I am in touch with my inner child (I guess I feel like I AM my inner child), why did I have the TMS symptoms? Because I was trying to do grown up things? Maybe.
Sorry for going on and on!
ndb |
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armchairlinguist
USA
1397 Posts |
Posted - 09/06/2006 : 09:00:47
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I also used to lose my temper a lot when I was younger. Now I can see it for what it probably was -- inner rage, not just a "bad temper" like I thought. When I started controlling it around 13 was when my first symptom appeared! I think we need some kind of release valve. Sarno doesn't really talk about this, but I think that's just beacuse it's not strictly necessary for being cured for everyone.
At least now that we know what it is, we can try to design an effective release valve that meets our needs. I actually have been working on having "mental rampages" where I imagine myself destroying something that I dislike. It isn't as good as a real one, but it helps.
I have a very acute feeling that someday someone is going to come over to me and say "We've found out that you're not a competent grownup, and so you're having grownup status revoked, you're useless and horrible and you'll never be successful." I have a huge, huge fear of these tiny screwups. I've had friends tell me that this is a normal feeling, but I think it's a very different magnitude from theirs; it's very intense and can sometimes interfere with my functioning.
And I definitely do feel that I have to be smart and competent and take care of myself and plan things, or no one will. I guess I would like to feel taken care of more, and not always to be the one taking care.
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Wherever you go, there you are. |
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tennis tom
USA
4749 Posts |
Posted - 09/06/2006 : 09:44:19
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Would like to do a nice long post answering all these PSYCHOLOGICAL-TMS issues, but if I do I'll never hit the road for my long talked about vacation. If you have not yet purchased THE DIVIDED MIND, I strongly suggest you do.
I've only read the first 80 pages, so far. The Good Doctor does an excellent job of explaining the universaly held psychological issues and complexes that are being discussed here and are the basis for TMS pain, such as the inferiority complex, inner and outter rage caused by long held beliefs or day-to-day pressures, etc.
I found it comforting that Dr. Sarno states that these psychological issues are UNIVERSALLY held. It's when we focus on ourselves and block out the rest of reality that they become burdonsome and out of proportion to what is really going on. We put ourselves under a microscope that we don't hold others to.
Put the other books aside and read TDM. |
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sonora sky
USA
181 Posts |
Posted - 09/06/2006 : 10:36:53
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quote:
Originally posted by ndb
Are you a grad student too? I'm in the area of algorithms in theoretical computer science.
Algorithms??  Wow, and I thought I was an analytical beast! Now I feel more like an academic lightweight... Um, if you ever want to talk about artsy fartsy stuff, I'm your girl. 
ss |
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ndb
209 Posts |
Posted - 09/06/2006 : 14:38:56
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ACL, mental rampages don't sound nearly as fun as real ones :). Another weird thing, when I lose my temper, I secretly want people around to be aware of my displeasure. I want people to realize I am pissed for some good reason... I hate it when I'm just ignored when I lose my temper. That sounds so childish, I know.
quote:
I have a very acute feeling that someday someone is going to come over to me and say "We've found out that you're not a competent grownup, and so you're having grownup status revoked, you're useless and horrible and you'll never be successful."
You know what I wish? I wish somebody WOULD revoke my grownup status...and I could go back to being a kid and maybe doing nothing in particular while my husband takes care of my needs and lets me do what I want...and not have to feel like a failure. I realize I'd probably get bored...but not that much. Its probably another case of wanting what you don't have and not appreciating what you've got.
TT, I read parts of TDM a few months ago in a bookstore, but I will buy and reread. It was so liberating to be free of physical symptoms...I guess I did ignore the psychological stuff I wasn't aware of. True that the psychlogical issues may be universal...but I don't see other people around me breaking down and crying...they all look so sure of themselves! I guess I need to convince my mind somehow that its all a facade.
SS, LOL, So what DO you do, now I'm curious. To be honest, though I pretend that the artsy fartsy stuff is just that -- I feel completely inept when it comes to appreciating art or literature that's even a little ...(I don't know the word for what I mean) complicated? not pedestrian? I don't know...I imagine you need some kind of training to understand it. Like I look at a painting, and I can't even honestly tell if it pleases me or not, much less whether its a good painting or not.
By the way, how come you were aware of algorithms?? Most people don't and then I just say 'computer science', 'cause I'm too shy to say mathematics...and don't consider myself smart enough to do REAL math.
ndb |
Edited by - ndb on 09/06/2006 16:52:39 |
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ndb
209 Posts |
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sonora sky
USA
181 Posts |
Posted - 09/07/2006 : 21:22:58
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quote:
Originally posted by ndb
SS, LOL, So what DO you do, now I'm curious. To be honest, though I pretend that the artsy fartsy stuff is just that -- I feel completely inept when it comes to appreciating art or literature that's even a little ...(I don't know the word for what I mean) complicated? not pedestrian? I don't know...I imagine you need some kind of training to understand it. Like I look at a painting, and I can't even honestly tell if it pleases me or not, much less whether its a good painting or not.
By the way, how come you were aware of algorithms?? Most people don't and then I just say 'computer science', 'cause I'm too shy to say mathematics...and don't consider myself smart enough to do REAL math.
ndb
(Sorry to everyone in advance for getting off topic here...)
ndb, I'm a doctoral candidate in art history (and, yes, there is such a thing! I suppose it's difficult for those outside the world of humanities to conceive of such an "unpractical" degree.) We're the ones who work in museums or as professors of art history. Um, that's basically the extent of our career choices. I find your comments about art interesting, because I'm developing a course right now that deals with just those issues: it's geared toward students who haven't had much exposure to art and aren't sure what to think about it. The course will help them to better understand their own individual/personal responses to art, and it will focus on developing practical "tools" to approach, respond to, and evaluate works of art.
I admit, I only knew that algorithms had something to do with math and computers, both of which are greek to me.
Thanks for sending the link to the grad student/cartoon website. I can identify with a lot of that angst. I'm lucky to have some great advisors, though. My main advisor has a real business sense--she's been giving me advice on how to write my dissertation in a way that is marketable/publishable. I'm hoping to turn it into a coffe table-type book eventually, so more people will be able to see all the pretty pictures. That's really what it's all about, for me: the images. They drive my work.
Let me know what you think of Facing the Fire. I thought there were some useful tips in there, but I felt like a lot of it didn't really apply to me/my situation, personally.
Best,
SS |
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Darko
Australia
387 Posts |
Posted - 09/07/2006 : 21:44:07
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NDB,
Find below a blurb from Monte Hueftle's ebook. I have read it and gotta say it's good........super excellent tip top f'n good.
he says like this
Anger
Beneath every experience of anger is a large pile of
emotional experiences. Anger is absolute frustration
that you are not able to arrange your life experiences
or others, as you would like to. We get angry for
other reasons as well. Anything that makes us
anxious will tend to evolve into anger. Anger is
always generated when you are resisting what is
happening in your life. Most people who have angry
outburst think that they are expressing or
experiencing their anger. The outburst of slamming
doors, yelling and stomping is not experiencing the
emotion of anger. These activities are the defense
mechanism that is repressing the feeling. Instead of
really experiencing the feeling you divert your
energy to an angry outburst allowing the emotion
(energy) to be stuck, create a blockage or be stored in
the tissues of your muscles and nerves. This
repressed energy now goes to work dynamically
manifesting the biochemical process in your body
that results in physical pain.
GOLD!!!! The man knows his stuff. Do yourself a favour and get it. runningpain.com
Darko |
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sonora sky
USA
181 Posts |
Posted - 09/08/2006 : 08:20:00
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Interesting, Darko. So if these outbursts of anger only continue to repress the anger, than what does Monte advocate for releasing/experiencing the feeling? And why do we often feel better after an outburst of screaming, crying, etc.?
ss |
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miche
Canada
283 Posts |
Posted - 09/08/2006 : 13:26:47
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| I must qualify as a super repressor, never having slammed doors even, however Ijust made an important discovery and I hope this will contribute to my getting well, while busy journalling and trying to get to the emotional, I came to realise that even though my list of what should have caused me to feel major anger is quite long, .....I FORGIVE EASILY,, my biggest downfall is my ability to be able to put myself in someone's shoes and understand their pain and weaknesses and traits, at my expense , somehow if I could feel sympaty for myself as much as I feel for others , then maybe I would feel justified in accepting that I have a right to be angry. I have blame other's bad treatment of me on their childhood, depression, envy, torments, fears , pms, you name it, because I can always justify their lacks, I would feel guilty to hold it against them or even react, like they are not to blame after all. Can anyone relate , why do we feel this way? |
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armchairlinguist
USA
1397 Posts |
Posted - 09/08/2006 : 14:37:18
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Darko, I'm with ss on this one. How can an outburst repress a feeling? One of Sarno's most famous stories is about how one truly giant outburst cured someone!
ndb -- indeed, I guess part of me does wish I could go back to being a kid, have someone else be the responsible one (but I was always responsible, even as a kid...damn my parents for encouraging that so much!). Around the "water cooler" at work recently, a lot of us were saying, this whole adulthood thing is not so great. Except for being allowed to eat cookies for dinner if we want to. So other people do feel this way.
miche -- I think we do that for a lot of reasons, but maybe one is that we don't want to be angry with others, or unhappy with them -- we want to be good and nice and understanding to them (goodism). So we practice doing that. I think working on doing that for yourself is a great approach. I've been trying to be more forgiving to myself...
ss -- your thesis sounds really cool. I'd love to take a course like that.
(I got out of the grad school business as fast as I could, with just a master's, so I've avoided a lot of that angst. Thank goodness!)
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Wherever you go, there you are. |
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ndb
209 Posts |
Posted - 09/08/2006 : 15:54:02
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hi guys,
just enough time for a quick reply. perhaps monte hueftle refers to situations like you are pissed with your boss, but you snap at your spouse and yell at the kids? then it would seem you are not allowing yourself to feel frustration about work by yelling about something unrelated.
morelater,
ndb |
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Emotions very close to the surface
