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PeterW
Canada
102 Posts |
 Posted - 08/19/2006 : 11:45:28
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An exerpt from a recent article in MacLean's magazine on shyness:
"Personally, I think part of social anxiety is obsession," says Fayaz. "The mind of the shy person is constantly bombarded by thoughts. We cannot stop the loop that goes on in our mind. 'What does this guy think of me? What is going on? What are they talking about?' They just lose everything." Fear of judgment, Fayaz believes, is at the root of shyness. "It's like we have a big eye following us everywhere. A big eye focusing on us, and everywhere we go it is judging. We always feel we are on the stage. There are lights on us."
http://www.macleans.ca/topstories/life/article.jsp?content=20060724_130461_130461
I didn't find all the article quite so relevant, but I'm wondering if that particular paragraph rings true with any others here. And if many TMSers considered themselves naturally shy when growing up.
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art
1903 Posts |
Posted - 08/19/2006 : 12:17:28
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I'm an amalgam of shyness and extroversion...I tend to be quite shy in groups, especially groups of strangers, but I can also be fairly outgoing...I guess it boils down to whether I feel "safe" or not in any given situation...
I think your question is a good one and my guess is that sensitivity is correlated to a cetain extent anyway with introversion..Since a sensitive nature seem especially prone to TMS (does to me anyway) I wouldn't be surprise if many of us are kind of shy,,, |
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PeterW
Canada
102 Posts |
Posted - 08/20/2006 : 07:57:28
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I'm very much the same way Art, when I feel safe in a certain environment with certain people I can almost be gregarious. But with another crowd I can feel really self conscious.
With myself, I was painfully shy (and symptom free) as a child . . . as I migrated into adult life, came more out of my shell, gained more confidence, took on new challenges, seemingly conquered the shyness etc, it was then that the symptoms started. Ironic in a way, because at that time I had never been more outwardly confident, and life had never been better (on the surface at least). But perhaps I was trying to force aside my naturally introverted, sensitive nature.
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shari
USA
85 Posts |
Posted - 08/20/2006 : 11:54:28
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| I think shyness comes from low self-esteem. When we are children and feel bad with ourselves, we tend to withdraw. But as we grow up, our defense mechanism kicks in, and we build a façade to hide our "low-self". We also tend to repress our bad feelings about ourselves and focus on ambitions and achievements to prove to ourselves (and others) that we're not so worthless. I've always been puzzled by how some people can conduct board meetings or meet with important people or give public speeches with no fear at all, and yet be frightened or feel very vulnerable in small social groups. The reason, I think, is that our "façade" becomes threatened when we feel that people are probing us on a personal level, and we are afraid that they may see through us and into our "low-self". It may be that the only cure to shyness is to confront our deep inner self and recognize that we are not worthless but indeed very worthy individuals who have achieved many great things. Then we won't have a need for a façade, we can proudly open ourselves for people to see what wonderful individuals we really are. |
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art
1903 Posts |
Posted - 08/20/2006 : 12:36:17
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quote:
Originally posted by shari
I think shyness comes from low self-esteem. When we are children and feel bad with ourselves, we tend to withdraw. But as we grow up, our defense mechanism kicks in, and we build a façade to hide our "low-self". We also tend to repress our bad feelings about ourselves and focus on ambitions and achievements to prove to ourselves (and others) that we're not so worthless. I've always been puzzled by how some people can conduct board meetings or meet with important people or give public speeches with no fear at all, and yet be frightened or feel very vulnerable in small social groups. The reason, I think, is that our "façade" becomes threatened when we feel that people are probing us on a personal level, and we are afraid that they may see through us and into our "low-self". It may be that the only cure to shyness is to confront our deep inner self and recognize that we are not worthless but indeed very worthy individuals who have achieved many great things. Then we won't have a need for a façade, we can proudly open ourselves for people to see what wonderful individuals we really are.
This seems like it would be true, but I think it's not as straightforward as one might think cause self-esteem can be a pretty fluid thing...I sometimes feel good about myself, and sometimes not...When I was young, my mother who's the big extrovert in the family, used to put a lot of pressure on me to be more outgoing...Of course, at the same time she was super critical which is the last thing one needs if the goal is to be more sociable..
I also think a lot this is a matter of inherited temperament...I was born an introvert and that in some respects is as fixed as the color of my hair...I was often off by myself as a kid, thinking my little kid thoughts and thoroughly enjoying that..At the same time though, I liked people quite a bit and remember feeling quite lonely sometimes when there was no one around to play with..
I was very interested to read that I had TMS even as a little kid in the form of "growing pains." I used to lie awake at night in serious pain from that...My parents even went so far as to take me to be fitted for special orthopedic shoes...Clunky things that I hated to wear..They didn't help anwyay of course.. |
Edited by - art on 08/20/2006 12:38:38 |
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carbar
USA
227 Posts |
Posted - 08/20/2006 : 21:38:07
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Since I started my recovery from TMS (hand/arm RSI) in Nov. 05 I feel like I've been flying out of my shell and I never want to go back. 
It's funny coz if you had asked me before November, I probably wouldn't have said I was shy. Just like I wouldn't have really owned up to having low self-esteem. I think it was easy to fool myself when I was all numb and locked up in the cycle of fear related to reinjury. I wasn't really into getting to know myself because it felt like if I found out who I was and what I wanted, I would realize being injured would make it hard or impossible. I agree with Shari that there's a link between shyness and low self-esteem. If you don't feel worthwhile enough, how can you speak up and be animated about your opinion?
To be honest and observant, tho, I was never really shy as a small child. The middle school years were definitely socially hard and I did retreat towards shyness and lower self-esteem at that point. In fact, I feel like the TMS injury (RSI in both hands/arms) provoked further shyness in college. I wasn't "interested" in really having good times, because once I was injured it seemed like good times were not even worth the potential pain. Why go bowling if I can't bowl coz of hand pain and then have to spend the whole night explaining my injury to a bunch of strangers? Why go out for a night at the club when it's gonna mean my arms getting thrashed into by folks on the dance floor? Do I really want to go shopping all day in the city if it means carrying all those bags? Of course, too, I wasn't allowing my self to IM or email much coz this was too much arm stress, so that was just another isolating feature of RSI/TMS.
I settled into being comfortablein the role of the confidante. The observer. "Oh, yall go ahead, I have to do homework on Friday night. Big paper/project/etc." Most of my hanging out was the dinner and a movie variety, and I got so bored of that, but I didn't see other alternatives. So, I feel like I settled into shyness but with this unhappiness that I couldn't even fully process or be aware of at the time. Plus, getting close to people meant asking them for help carrying things, or asking "could you type this for me?" I felt so dumb for needing help with the simplest things. I didn't feel like I deserved this help, that's the self-esteem part. I also felt like such a jerk for needing this help, and then not being able to hold the door, help you move your couch, carry that box to the other side of the office. I really believed in being independent and egalitarian, still do, so this was hard, hard, hard.
So, to make a long story shorter and give it a happy ending....
I feel so FREEEEEE now that I am healing and redeveloping my self-confidence. I feel like the shyness that developed coz of the RSI is melting, but so is lingering shyness from mid-childhood. Things like not wanted to hug folks. These days, I honestly FEEL so happy to see you, how could I not hug you and kiss you on the cheek. My emotions are freed up and I FEEEL so strongly, I gotta act on it, say it louder and prouder. Another example: I used to hate "bothering people" or "interupting" to say good-bye if folks were talking, now it's so easy to just shout a happy adios and leave. It's so shocking to feel natural behaving that way when it was only last year that I'd be pissed off at them for not noticing me trying to be polite. Of course, this isn't me ALL the time, but more and more, and even if I goof up a little with the loudness and boldness I just don't care nearly as much as I would have before.
Shocking and wonderful and it's so good to process this, thanks Peter and all for starting this up and listening, of course. 
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Edited by - carbar on 08/20/2006 21:48:39 |
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PeterW
Canada
102 Posts |
Posted - 08/21/2006 : 18:34:49
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quote:
I also think a lot this is a matter of inherited temperament...I was born an introvert and that in some respects is as fixed as the color of my hair..
I think there's truth in that, some of us are just born with a more introverted or sensitive nature. For such people, social expectations while growing up so often hurt more than help, criticism hurts more, and they can become easy targets for abuse. Hence the low self esteem, walking around always expecting and fearing judgement, with the imagined 'big eye' following us around. The shyness and sensitivity may be largely inherited, and the low self esteem can follow depending on the environment. My take on it anyway.
I was out to dinner last nite with some old buddies who now have young families, and one of them has non identical twins. The father was telling me how different in temperment the two twins were, one outgoing and afraid of nothing, the other very shy and sensitive. Same family and environment, so there's an argument for nature over nurture.
Carbar, I sure hear you about how severe symptoms can erode one's sense of independence and self esteem. I've been through some brutal times with that. It's ironic really, that one of the psychological roots of TMS is low self esteem, but somewhere down there the brain's answer is to create symptoms that can perpetuate and magnify that problem. That's never made sense to me, but unfortunately our unconscious minds aren't very rational beasts.
Glad you're on the path to recovery though! 
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Bat Ears
USA
14 Posts |
Posted - 08/22/2006 : 07:54:17
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| The idea in this thread that we are "born with" certain personality traits reminded me of something I have been looking into recently. If you have never heard of Asperger's syndrome, look it up - there is lots of info on the web. I don't want to waste space here with all the symptomatology. AS is a high-function disorder in the autism spectrum of disorders, in people with normal or high intelligence, characterized by deficiencies in social skills among other things. An AS personality would seem to be a TMS personality: perfectionist, analytical, obsessive, tending to learn compensating/avoidance behaviors. An AS personality would also likely set one up with a huge load of emotional baggage due to the social dysfunction aspect of the syndrome (coupled with normal/high intelligence) and the resulting relationship failures and low self-esteem, which become deeply repressed as social skills/compensatory behaviors are learned. The result - - - in an undiagnosed mild-AS adult, a particularly nasty and intractable case of TMS. I have discussed this briefly with Dr. Andrea Leonard-Segal, and she was familiar with AS and seemed receptive to the idea that it may relate to TMS. Any other physicians or psychiatrists with an opinion? |
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Shyness
