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Hillbilly
USA
385 Posts |
 Posted - 07/12/2006 : 19:25:59
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My psych type and I had a good conversation today, and he hit me between the eyes with this question, and I realized that it is probably the most important question I have faced in all of this: What are you avoiding?
Well...let's see.... I'm avoiding looking for a better job, even one that doesn't pay as well would be more rewarding than what I now do; I'm avoiding going out to dinner and socializing with friends because I don't think I will be able to concentrate on the conversation when my back feels like a mending plate; I'm avoiding doing the things with my kids I swore I would do with them because the pain wears me out quickly, and I am really avoiding talking with my close friends about my ordeal because they might think I've finally gone nuts. And by the way there are few things scarier than a psycho hillbilly! Actually that may be a redundancy....
Anyway, he then followed that doozy up with this one: Well, then, if you are avoiding things because of the way they make you feel, how does it make you feel that you are aware that you are avoiding things and not doing anything about it? Now, this touched off a couple hours of introspection. And here's what I've gleaned from it all (so far).
We are all stuck with a physical feeling that we hate and run away from at every turn when we feel it because of the thoughts that go through our heads. It's like when I was a kid and forgot my speech in front of 100 people. It wasn't the people that made me feel so bad, it was the way my body felt because of my thoughts that made this such a traumatic experience. And I can tell you unequivocally that I would sooner take a castration than stand in front of a group and speak. Why? It wouldn't kill me, just make me feel like doodoo until I could refocus my mind and move on with my life. I suppose it is the combination of fear of the physical feelings and fear of my own berating that keeps this wall up.
I think that our subconscious somehow records that thought-feeling connection, and when our thoughts start to head down that road, WHAM, we get a warning via autonomic fear reaction such as anxiety symptoms, back or leg pain, diarrhea, headache, etc. There are many, many such fearful associations running through the memory bank, and I think my back is manifesting each one right about now.
So, now I get to journal about the things I am avoiding and what I plan to do about them so I don't get to act the role of the fully self-actualized, erudite, got-it-all dude, and face the truth about my fear and insecurity. On the physical end, I have made some major improvement, and writing this all out and dealing with it should bring some relief.
I hope this soul-purge is helpful to those of you who are digging deep for the answer.
Neil |
Edited by - Hillbilly on 07/12/2006 19:35:09 |
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Singer_Artist
USA
1516 Posts |
Posted - 07/12/2006 : 19:44:08
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Hi Neil,
I really appreciate what you shared...Thank you...It makes me feel less alone w/ what I am going through...In answer to the question, a very good one at that..What am I avoiding..?
I am avoiding MYSELF probably the most...I got clarity on this from a few people on here telling me that I should be journaling/reading/looking inward more and writing on the forum and looking for outward support less...So I guess they are right...and it scares me to think WHY am I avoiding going WAY IN THERE so much..What could be so bad other then what I am consciously aware of, ie..physical abuse as a kid, alcoholic dad, parents divorce in my teens, and more...Is there something 'hidden' that is so scary I might freak out if I touch it? I sure hope not...I have a conscious memory of being semi molested as a kid by an older neighbor..There was no penetration, but it was inappropriate what he did and I told my mom about it and he got into big trouble..Other then that I cannot recal any other sexual abuse...just physical abuse when I acted out for attention...Whew...some may be thinking "WOW, this girl isn't afraid to reveal anything to us?? Is she nuts?" Well I hope they aren't thinking that..Because, I, just like yourself want to get well! I want my neck to move normally again and I want the pain and symptoms to STOP! The good news..I am walking daily now..and did 40 min this morning...But my conditioned pattern is to get worse at night and it happens like clockwork..
The other things I am avoiding...Hmm..painting, which i love..for fear that it will hurt my muscles in my shoulders,neck...I am avoiding telling most of my closest friends back East about what I have been going thru the past 7 weeks..Just don't want to try to explain TMS to them and have some say "Oh maybe you need surgery!" That drives me nuts and just makes it harder for me to accept the TMS diagnosis 100 percent...Speaking of that..That is what I am avoiding doing out of fear and programming from all the doctors..I am avoiding surrendering 100 percent to the TMS diagnosis...There is more, I am sure..But i don't want to give everyone too much to read...I do that on here way too often..
Thanx again for sharing Neil.. |
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Hillbilly
USA
385 Posts |
Posted - 07/12/2006 : 20:19:08
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| Yes, Karen, I think you need something to get involved with to get out of your own weary head for a while. If you were to banish yourself from the forum for a few days it would help. I remember finding this forum and the excitement I had initially. I read everything but didn't post much. Then I realized that I could read until hades froze and I wouldn't get a scintilla better because reading just either made me more depressed about recovery or it allowed me to delay implementing my plan because of my doubt and fear. It does involve the individual in the end. Best of luck to you. Try this experiment: think about shutting off your computer and staying away from the forum for a day. Do you feel that in your body when you think it? That's what I'm getting at. Try to bring on those feelings and just hang out with them instead of shrinking away from them so that they don't bother you anymore. I do wish you well. |
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Singer_Artist
USA
1516 Posts |
Posted - 07/12/2006 : 20:26:15
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Thanx Neil,
I wish you well too...I am hoping that your advice is given just because you think it will help me and not because you are one of the people that are annoyed about all my posting...I am just feeling a bit ganged up on right now...Not by the ones who I have a great connection with, but with the couple of people who complained that I post too much and weren't friendly about it either...I am starting to get a complex about it..And I own that I have become way too dependent on this site...I don't know why/how it happened, it just did..I will try to take your advice as best that I can..
~Karen |
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Hillbilly
USA
385 Posts |
Posted - 07/12/2006 : 20:33:49
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| No, you missed the point. Please don't read my posts for hurtful things. That is a conditioned response as well. I'm not an abuser. It is patently obvious to anyone who visits here that you are obsessed with your pain right now. Don't worry, so is/was everyone else at one point or another. My point is this: how can you or anyone else get better when all you or I or anyone else do/does is think about and talk about our pain. Best advice I can give to you, not because of what others think, still is to get involved in your life and put the pain obsession down for a day or so. If the best you can do is introspect because you are alone, so be it. But hanging out here for companionship isn't making you better, right? |
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Singer_Artist
USA
1516 Posts |
Posted - 07/12/2006 : 21:32:32
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Thanx Neil,
I see your point...:) |
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tennis tom
USA
4749 Posts |
Posted - 07/13/2006 : 01:54:10
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Hi Karen,
There's probably not much you can do to control your obsession to post until your TMS attack runs it's course and you are able to channel your pent-up creative energy into the more "productive" behaviors that you participated in before.
You have all this energy and it must get out somewhere and for now that is this board. I recall during my depression I had the realization that my behavior pattern of 15 years had suddenly radically changed. I followed my doctor's order and stopped playing tennis along with all exercise in a last ditch effort to let my hip rest and hopefully rehabilitate. Rest did NOT help it, it only made me depressed.
I had all this energy that suddenly lost it's normal outlet. The lexapro only made me more energized, resulting in panic/anxiety. I did find release in sex that became much more frequent, (one of the consequences of being in bed all day). Now that I'm back to "normal", my sex drive has diminished. I think Freud would call this sublimaton. |
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Darko
Australia
387 Posts |
Posted - 07/13/2006 : 03:22:41
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Singer,
Listen to the Hillbilly, he's on the money! If you spend your time focusing on the pain, you will become encapsulated in exactly what the mind wants. IT WANTS YOU TO FOCUS ON THE PAIN AND NOT YOUR EMOTIONS!!!! Read that over and over until it sinks in, then read it again. Focus on how you feel, what's goin on in your life, what is pissin you off, blah blah....I think you get it. The more the pain the more you need to think about how you're really feeling. Like I said last time, take some time to chill out, focus on your emotions. You NEED identify the thorn in your side and TAKE ACTION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We can sit and talk forever, but there come a time for action. If you don't like your current situation then get off your bot bot and make some changes, make changes that make you FEEL better, not for the TMS or the pain but for YOU and how YOU FEEL!!!
Ya dig?
entiendo?
Razumies?
verstehen?
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Singer_Artist
USA
1516 Posts |
Posted - 07/13/2006 : 07:47:23
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Thanx TT and Darko,
WOuld love to make the changes you speak of Darko, ie...moving back to New Jersey, for example..But unfortunately I find myself in a bit of a Catch 22, because I no longer have the finances to pull of such a move, and until the neck is much better I cannot even drive, let alone sing, work a 'normal' job, etc. These are my realities, for now. On top of it all, I bumped my 'bad' knee (previously injured last year, for real) on the computer desk last night and so this morning I cannot do my walk that I have really been enjoying...Hopefully it won't get much worse (just a little swollen now) so that I can walk again in a few days...Maybe it happened to force me to focus somewhere other then my neck...As for being on the computer and here so much, I have already explained why, ad nauseum..so I won't bore you what that again...The neck situation has me house bound for almost 2 months...Believe me,if i weren't I would not be on the computer nearly as much..thanx for your suggestions..Take care.. |
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Hillbilly
USA
385 Posts |
Posted - 07/13/2006 : 08:27:58
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Singer,
Just a quick question....how can a stiff/painful neck keep you housebound? It's the fear of the feelings that arise when you go out that keep you housebound. How can you be OK in the house and not outside the house? Illogical. Start looking at the psychological side. It's the only way out of the trap. |
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wolf29
USA
108 Posts |
Posted - 07/13/2006 : 08:28:14
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quote:
Originally posted by Darko
You NEED identify the thorn in your side and TAKE ACTION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Anyone know how to dispose of a spouse?  |
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tennis tom
USA
4749 Posts |
Posted - 07/13/2006 : 08:42:38
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"Anyone know how to dispose of a spouse?"
I wish there was...but it's always problematic.
tt |
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Darko
Australia
387 Posts |
Posted - 07/13/2006 : 17:29:42
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HA that's gold! Let me tell you mate......YOU STUCK!!! You can't get rid of em. I tried giving mine marching orders but then I just got into more trouble. Interesting book you can read, 'way of the superior man' Really is a must have book for men.
Last week my girl and I had a fight, apparently I started it.
she said 'what's on the TV'
I said 'dust'
What did I say wrong??? |
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wolf29
USA
108 Posts |
Posted - 07/14/2006 : 12:58:23
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quote:
Last week my girl and I had a fight, apparently I started it.
she said 'what's on the TV'
I said 'dust'
Must have been your delivery because that is quite funny
I'll check into that book. Sounds interesting from what I read so far on Amazon. |
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What are you avoiding?
