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Singer_Artist
USA
1516 Posts |
 Posted - 07/05/2006 : 12:03:44
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I just had phone session 3 w/ my TMS therapist...This time I was unable to get in touch w/ my feelings of sadness directly...I didn't cry, however, i feel a general awful malaise and sadness inside right now...He told me to stay w/ the feelings and don't try to fix them w/ external activities or solutions..I was asking 'should i write a letter to my sister or aunt, for ex, to 'fix' these relationships...He said that I need to stay INSIDE and think about how I am not able to live my life due to the TMS...To just experience that..
My roomie asked his 30 yr old nephew if he, myself and our dogs could come over last night because it is quiet where he lives...(My dogs freak over fireworks)...He said no, once he knew I was coming and that just kicked up my whole abandonent issue again and the feelings of being unwanted/unworthy by my family, etc...The reason his nephew has an issue w/ me is because 6 or so years ago I bought his used Maxima..Right after buying it from him many things went wrong and i had to put alot of money into it..I thought that he sold it to me,not telling me about the work it needed and we had a falling out...Well..since then, I apologized for my part, but he never did..However, he said we were okay..But clearly, we are not if I am not wanted in his home!
So now I feel even more trapped and horrible about living in Vegas...I am not even connected to my roommate's (who is like my brother) family...We went to Mt. Charleston, away from the noise of the fireworks..but now my neck is locked up even more...Of course, part of me wants to say...Gee Maybe i overdid it..i have been house bound and went all the way to Mt. Charleston (a 30min drive)...but my therapist reminded me it has nothing to do w/ the trip and everything to do w/ being rejected by my roomie's nephew...Any thoughts are always welcome...Thanx for listening... |
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jrnythpst
USA
134 Posts |
Posted - 07/05/2006 : 12:09:08
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I think you should take a pallet and easel with canvass and just paint whatever feelings come to mind when you think of the nephew. Get into a "drunken" fit akin to a Jackson Pollack painting...just let it all out and then if you feel like it destroy. Tear it apart with the fury you dont' want to let out. I plan on having a bon fire with my best friend to rid myself of some of the garbage from two ex boyfriends. I got the idea from the posting where someone shredded a couch pillow!
Hugs,
Ali Cat |
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Singer_Artist
USA
1516 Posts |
Posted - 07/05/2006 : 12:36:38
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thanx Ali Cat...
I have tried that b4 and it was therapeutic...Unfortunately, right now i am not sure i can paint because of the tightness in my neck and shoulders..I have a big exhibition coming up onthe 18th of this month and work that has to be done by then..God only knows how i am going to do it...I have enough to show even if i don't complete the ones i would like to finish..however..it is stressful just thinking about the upcoming wine and cheese opening..I don't want to be a cripple at the opening and unable to move my neck..I am so sick of this whole thing, it's driving me nuts lately...Hopefully i will be able to paint soon...Your suggestion was very good..thanx...
hugs,
karen |
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jrnythpst
USA
134 Posts |
Posted - 07/05/2006 : 13:14:51
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What do you like to sing? I love karaoke. I thinkg singing is therapuetic and you don't need to move the neck that much to get pleasure from it. (just don't get too into the music). I recommend (if you like or tolerate country) to get Jessica Andrew's song, "There's more to me than you," apply the you to TMS and sing your heart out! It's very liberating. I sang this song a LOT when getting over the first long term abusive ex (only two of those so needed to clarify and neither were physically abusive).
Hugs,
Ali Cat |
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Singer_Artist
USA
1516 Posts |
Posted - 07/05/2006 : 13:22:44
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thanx Ali Cat,
when I am in pain and lack of mobility like this I am not in the right space to sing...Just don't feel it...My singing and my art have been everything to me and they are precious and sacred...But, because they are creative, I need to be in the right space to do either...I may try to do some painting later and see how that goes..Right now some idiots in my neighborhood and lettting off fireworks again and I jumped and tightened my neck more...There's a reason they call this place the Wild West...I just wish i would stop immediately internalizing all the sadness, all the anger...It goes straight to my neck now w/ no hesitation...Such a vicious cycle..I know you understand..
Hugs back,
K |
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armchairlinguist
USA
1397 Posts |
Posted - 07/05/2006 : 17:24:16
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Karen,
I appreciate that you as an artist have special feelings about your art, but take a careful look at your post too...you are trying to wait until everything is 'fixed' to get back to doing what you love, what makes you happy. It is a common TMS theme to put off getting back to activity until things are just right! But things rarely are. It's important to just get back in the game a little, even if it isn't perfect conditions. (I think we do this even after we are 'well'...I can't count the number of times I've told myself "Oh, I will just work out/journal/meditate tomorrow. I can't today because I need to sleep/do laundry/go shopping." But I always have something I need to do, so I could put it off forever if I tried.)
Maybe you could do some kind of art that you enjoy but don't usually do? Draw, sculpt?
It sounds like you are doing much better again, maybe not physically but really seeing the connections between the emotions and the pain. Just keep believing and remind yourself that activity will not hurt you! :-)
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Wherever you go, there you are. |
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Singer_Artist
USA
1516 Posts |
Posted - 07/05/2006 : 17:29:12
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Dear ACL,
Thanks for your kind words and encouragement..I feel kind of guilty, like i might let you down when you see what I just posted...I am just feeling so hopeless w/ this whole thing today..Had an increase in pain, disability again...But you are right..I do need to find a way to work on that big landscape I am doing now...I haven't touched a brush in 6 weeks since this acute attack began...It will probalby help me alot even if it's only 5 minutes of painting at a time..
thanx again...
hugs,
karen |
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bdystore
18 Posts |
Posted - 07/05/2006 : 23:59:18
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quote:
Originally posted by Singer_Artist
My roomie asked his 30 yr old nephew if he, myself and our dogs could come over last night because it is quiet where he lives...(My dogs freak over fireworks)...He said no, once he knew I was coming and that just kicked up my whole abandonent issue again and the feelings of being unwanted/unworthy by my family, etc...The reason his nephew has an issue w/ me is because 6 or so years ago I bought his used Maxima..Right after buying it from him many things went wrong and i had to put alot of money into it..I thought that he sold it to me,not telling me about the work it needed and we had a falling out...Well..since then, I apologized for my part, but he never did..However, he said we were okay..But clearly, we are not if I am not wanted in his home!
So now I feel even more trapped and horrible about living in Vegas...I am not even connected to my roommate's (who is like my brother) family...We went to Mt. Charleston, away from the noise of the fireworks..but now my neck is locked up even more...Of course, part of me wants to say...Gee Maybe i overdid it..i have been house bound and went all the way to Mt. Charleston (a 30min drive)...but my therapist reminded me it has nothing to do w/ the trip and everything to do w/ being rejected by my roomie's nephew...Any thoughts are always welcome...Thanx for listening...
Trapped??
Who has created the trap? Who has made it impossible to paint or to sing? Who has all this power and control over you? Why do you resist your own personal power? Why are you having a temper tantrum?
As long as you continue down this path, your life will continue to be a reflection of what is inside of you. Neck problems=control issues.
You cant control anything or anyone. You have control over 1 person, yourself. |
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Singer_Artist
USA
1516 Posts |
Posted - 07/06/2006 : 08:41:14
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| Thanx for your reply Bdystore...It makes alot of sense and i need to hear it...I have created the trap,you are right...I have to stop w/ the blame game i have been doing for awhile now..I even blamed my roomie for my decision not to move to NJ just cuz he asked me not to and I agreed..I know i am a big girl and I could have decided to move anyway...I am in that terrible victim mode that comes out when the pain goes on for this long...It is about control issues...I feel so out of control w/ all the loved ones who died early on me..I have no control over that...So maybe that is why I am trying (or part of why) to control everything else...I don't know... |
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Scottydog
United Kingdom
330 Posts |
Posted - 07/06/2006 : 16:15:14
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Please get yourself out and meet some other human beings. It is THE best thing for taking your mind off your own problems. Go online if you can't get out.
Why didn't your room mate take the dogs to his nephew's - what's the big deal? He has a rude nephew - you are beating yourself up needlessly, making mountains out of molehills.
It's sounds like you are waiting for your therapist to fix you - only you can fix you. Get journalling - it is the best thing for getting a proper perspective on the things that you consider a HUGE dilemma and it helps you to move on and stop going over and over things in your mind.
I repeat - get out and meet others - even if your neck is bad - just say you strained it - it is the quickest way to get your worries into proportion.
Anne |
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Singer_Artist
USA
1516 Posts |
Posted - 07/06/2006 : 16:51:33
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thank you Anne...You are so right...
hugs,
Karen |
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staying with the feelings
