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nd2139
USA
11 Posts |
 Posted - 07/03/2006 : 20:52:03
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Hello Everyone,
My name is Nicholas. I live in New York City.
Thank you all for your postings, I enjoyed reading almost all of them. It's a nice feeling to see that I'm not the only one with TMS. I've read Healing Back Pain and The Divided Mind by Sarno.
When I started law school two years ago, I started having IBS (irritated bowels syndrom) and back pain. After applying the principles in Sarno's books, the IBS got a lot better. The main comfort is the knowledge that there is nothing structurally wrong with me, that TMS is harmless.
As I study TMS it seems clear to me that in my case the pain is related to strong goodist tendencies. I have big feelings of inferiority and that's why I went to law school in a Ivy League School, to prove others and myself that I am good enough. I also look for approval in many other ways, like putting up with annoying people, doing activities I don't like, and having cruel girlfriends.
So my question is this: how do you stop being a goodist? I feel like if I did that, I could get in trouble. Like, I would stop trying to be nice with people I dislike and I would have more enemies as a result. Is it worth it? What's your experience with goodism and how to get rid of it? What consequences for people who have stopped being goodists? Can you keep your job if you stop being a goodist? |
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Stryder
686 Posts |
Posted - 07/03/2006 : 20:56:53
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The trick is to care (but not _too_ much.) --Herb Cohen "You Can Negotiate Anything"
-Stryder |
Edited by - Stryder on 07/03/2006 21:29:47 |
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bdystore
18 Posts |
Posted - 07/03/2006 : 23:11:31
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No one is going to tell you that "you are good enough" or "you matter" no matter how nice, smart,goodlooking,talented....
You can choose to walk away from an activity you dont enjoy. But you must know that? You are still concerned about what the other person will think. I guess you might have to stay with the feelings you are having when you encounter them. Next time you are in a situation, ask yourself how you feel? Will the feelings get better? What can you do to change the way you feel? Can you excuse yourself from the situation or are you making excuses for your misery? I am not being cruel. But I believe some of us will go through great discomfort to be the "nice guy"
ewww "Excuse" is the operative word here. Lets define the word and its many meanings:
To apologize for (oneself) for an act that could cause offense: She excused herself for being late.
To grant pardon to; forgive: We quickly excused the latecomer.
To make allowance for; overlook: Readers must excuse the author's youth and inexperience.
Can you accept responsibilty for your choices and who you are? Can you forgive yourself and others for their transgressions?
As long as you feel inferior, no one will measure up in your eyes. |
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Dave
USA
1864 Posts |
Posted - 07/04/2006 : 08:43:37
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quote:
Originally posted by nd2139
So my question is this: how do you stop being a goodist?
You don't have to stop. In fact, you may not be able to. It's a part of your personality, molded by life experiences going way back to childhood.
You are already further along than most by realizing and accepting these aspects of your personality. Try asking yourself why you are this way. Accept that the child inside you is in a rage because you insist on being this way. When you are alone, try to feel that rage. In private, you can be angry at those same people who you insist on trying to impress. Vent that anger, and you may also find some hidden feelings start to emerge once that smoke clears. |
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Singer_Artist
USA
1516 Posts |
Posted - 07/04/2006 : 09:13:39
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| Excellent post Dave..Makes perfect sense..I am going to do the same thing... |
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nd2139
USA
11 Posts |
Posted - 07/04/2006 : 17:32:33
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Totally. Thanks a lot for the replies! It's true that trying to not be a goodist anymore probably isn't the right angle to solve TMS. Maybe I could stop being a goodist in my behavior, but I would still unconsciously be in rage for not getting the approval I want. The truth is that I have a completely narcissistic personality and I am pissed that people don't let compliments, roses, candy and kisses wash over me every minute of every day. Nice, uh?
I think goodism makes the rage worse because it consists in working to gain people's approval. So, not only don't I get the approval, but I have to work for it. It's double rage. Clearly the root of the problem, though, is the narcissism, which generates rage whether I am a goodist or not.
Thanks again, that's really good food for thought!
Nicholas |
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bdystore
18 Posts |
Posted - 07/04/2006 : 19:21:07
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quote:
Originally posted by nd2139
Totally. Thanks a lot for the replies! It's true that trying to not be a goodist anymore probably isn't the right angle to solve TMS. Maybe I could stop being a goodist in my behavior, but I would still unconsciously be in rage for not getting the approval I want. The truth is that I have a completely narcissistic personality and I am pissed that people don't let compliments, roses, candy and kisses wash over me every minute of every day. Nice, uh?
I think goodism makes the rage worse because it consists in working to gain people's approval. So, not only don't I get the approval, but I have to work for it. It's double rage. Clearly the root of the problem, though, is the narcissism, which generates rage whether I am a goodist or not.
Thanks again, that's really good food for thought!
Nicholas
Wow!!!Good for you, you are being honest! Now, let's substitute self-confidence and self-assured for narcissism. It's such an ugly word and you are not ugly. You are on the path of self discovery and you cant go around much longer disgusted with who you really are! Embrace yourself, baby!! You're angry but it's good anger and it tells me that you are more in touch with your self worth than you care to admit--think about it You deserve it all--kisses,compliments, roses!!! |
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jrnythpst
USA
134 Posts |
Posted - 07/05/2006 : 10:16:27
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Based on this and the posting I had about my ex boyfriend...it sounds like we have a lot in common by the way of goodism. I am weird in that I don't like compliments and gifts (at least on some level I don't feel I do or maybe it's I don't feel I deserve them...not real clear on this one yet) and would rather give the gifts and sometimes the compliments but it's hard for me to give compliments...I didn't grow up hearing or giving them so it's hard. My best friend will tell me she's proud of me a lot and that I am her attitude hero but I honestly don't remember hearing real praise from my family growing, one of those it was supposed to be understood I guess. My father is clinically depressed which doesn't help matters and mom isn't not that great in showing emotion (unless she just solved a really hard computer matter, then she gets excited LOL). I didn't hug until church camp in high school because other than with my great grandmother it wasn't something that was done. Now I love to hug a lot but the first couple nights at that camp were very uncomfortable as I got conditioned to hugs. Anyway trying to type this on break at work. I will post more in a bit. Have to make sure still caught up on everything.
Hugs,
Ali
Hugs,
Ali Cat |
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drziggles
USA
292 Posts |
Posted - 07/05/2006 : 13:02:06
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I think that narcissism is actually just another manifestation of low self-esteem, which I know seems sort of paradoxical. In very extreme forms this causes narcissistic personality disorder, but most of the time people just have tendencies towards narcissicism. The concept is that people outwardly feel that they are the best thing since sliced bread and deserving of all of these accolades, but inwardly they feel just the opposite. The need for reassurance from other people is a manifestation of this, because when you think about it, truly self-confident people don't need reassurance from others because they know that they are great...
It's common, but most people have difficulty admitting it to others! I give you credit for doing so. |
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Singer_Artist
USA
1516 Posts |
Posted - 07/05/2006 : 13:25:42
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| You just described me in a nutshell DrZiggles, although i do hate to admit it...Intellectually I know all that I have going for me and I am self confident...but Internally I feel totally unworthy and unwanted...And my therapist seems to believe that that is the root of my TMS...What a way to live. |
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armchairlinguist
USA
1397 Posts |
Posted - 07/05/2006 : 18:32:24
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Me too, Karen! I'm just starting to appreciate the extent of my low self-esteem. It's pretty crazy. My parents were the type to orient their praise to my accomplishments rather than giving me affirmations of my being, and success was always just the "normal" thing, kind of expected. Anger and confrontation were discouraged (except when they wanted to yell at us, heh); we were supposed to be kind and reasonable and considerate. Enter low self-esteem from trying to live up to such high expectations both emotionally and scholastically/professionally, and of course failing sometimes because they were unrealistic.
My parents are more aware of this than they used to be (as am I) but unfortunately it doesn't fill the great gap of feeling like I had to perform to be loved when I was a kid.
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Wherever you go, there you are. |
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nd2139
USA
11 Posts |
Posted - 07/06/2006 : 13:27:34
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quote:
Originally posted by drziggles
I think that narcissism is actually just another manifestation of low self-esteem, which I know seems sort of paradoxical. In very extreme forms this causes narcissistic personality disorder, but most of the time people just have tendencies towards narcissicism. The concept is that people outwardly feel that they are the best thing since sliced bread and deserving of all of these accolades, but inwardly they feel just the opposite. The need for reassurance from other people is a manifestation of this, because when you think about it, truly self-confident people don't need reassurance from others because they know that they are great...
It's common, but most people have difficulty admitting it to others! I give you credit for doing so.
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nd2139
USA
11 Posts |
Posted - 07/06/2006 : 13:29:52
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| Oops... there was a problem in my previous posting... I'll try again later. Sorry about that. |
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nd2139
USA
11 Posts |
Posted - 07/06/2006 : 13:36:02
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quote:
Originally posted by drziggles
I think that narcissism is actually just another manifestation of low self-esteem, which I know seems sort of paradoxical.
...
It's common, but most people have difficulty admitting it to others! I give you credit for doing so.
Thanks!
I'm not sure, though, which one comes first: narcicissm or low self-esteem?
I kind of think that chronologically narcicissm comes first. Very young children don't have low self-esteem, I think, but they can be very tyrannical and don't give a damn about other people's feelings. They want to have their way all the time and they are ready to make their parents' lives impossible to get it.
Then as we grow up we start understanding that social life wouldn't be possible if we all tried to impose ourselves on others all the time, so we learn to repress the narcissistic impulse.
Maybe the low-self esteem creeps in at that point in our lives because of the disapproval we get from adults when we behave tyranically. That is, when our parents scold us for throwing food on our little brother, cursing, or the like, we start thinking that there is something wrong with us and we get low self-esteem.
In my opinion, however, low self-esteem has a more profound cause: I think it's a mechanism created by the narcissistic self to finally get what it wants most (approval, etc.). That's because when we become self-critical, we become better at whatever it is we are doing in life. People who are good in their field tend to be hard on themselves. So, the narcissistic self thinks that by creating low-self esteem it will enhance the performance of the person and through that get the approval and power that it has been striving for since childhood.
That's why I think that narcicissm is the primary impulse behing TMS manifestations. I believe that low self-esteem and goodist tendencies are only reactions to narcissism. It matters, because we need to focus on the right cause to win against TMS. What do you think?
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jrnythpst
USA
134 Posts |
Posted - 07/06/2006 : 13:40:42
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Good points ND. I never thought about it in exactly that light but yeah I fit your description. If you want an email pen pal sometime (help each other get rid of the things the exes did to each other....IE learn not to stick up for them at all I guess LOL) then click on my id and email me. I already have a few other email pen pals on here too. Plus I want to ask you what it was like growing up in France and what part of France. Foreign countries fascinate me. LOL Anyway back on topic, children do go through a narcissitic phase where everything generates back to self. I can't remember the exact name right now but I learned all about it in childhood psychology, one of the education classes I ended up dropping due to health. I probably could have passed but if I had felt better I would have gotten an A and didn't want less which proves your point all the more. Anyway loved the post, thanks for the insight.
Hugs,
Ali Cat |
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jgluski
27 Posts |
Posted - 07/06/2006 : 14:34:47
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Hey Nicholas,
I am new to TMS too. It all started with me this past March from taking on too much stress, not dealing with MY problems and standing up to my fiancé.
You know where I started? With the little day to day stuff. For instance I was at work the other day slammed! and a co-worker from out of town was popping around looking to get online. Normally I would have put my own work on hold to comply to his needs. Instead I simply told him to look around for an empty computer...
I know its not much, but you have to start somewhere. I live in NYC too and I find myself APOLOGZING when people bump into ME on the street. I gotta unlearn all that ****!
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New to the Forum: one question about goodism
