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Burton
USA
18 Posts |
 Posted - 09/01/2004 : 02:14:35
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I've just completed my second week of school as a "returning" student and am in the midst of finding on-campus employment, volunteer ops etc. with the aim of making myself irresistable to PhD programs when I graduate with my English Literature B.A. (my 2nd B.A.) next year. With all this pressure to be perfect, perfect 4.0 etc, I'm sort of freaking out, I'm feeling my old TMS symptoms again and although I know (99.999% sure) that they are temporary, there's always that little sliver of dread from the old days, like oh no. I know I've been pain free for a year and it's not real this stiffness in my neck and the throbbing. I know it will go away but I'll have to work at it a little.Time to go digging again and it's scary...
I'm thinking about how this situation is in many ways like the situation that brought on my original TMS. I'm very afraid of letting myself and my family down and not living up to my potential. I'm afraid of looking stupid in front of my classmates or my profs. I'm afraid I will not be able to accomplish what I set out to do - get a doctoral fellowship and so not have to borrow any more $ for school - and also mad at the part of me that's making me do all this stuff. I'm worried I'll get a PhD and still not be happy, still not like my job - if I can even get a job as a professor in this economy- and you know, just basically obsessing about everything that is wrong or could go wrong.
I'm happy to be through with my retail job and liking my courses etc., it's just the pressure I put on myself. I thought that not working retail would make me feel more relaxed but instead I've been grinding my teeth at night because I'm petrified of screwing up at something I'm supposed to be able to do well and without much effort. This at least, was the message I got as a "gifted" child. And doing well at school did come very easily to me until I hit the brick wall of Algebra in the 9th grade. I'm scared of hitting a similar wall and feeling similarly stupid.
When TMS hit me like a truck, it was when I had just started my first professional job and was feeling all these similar pressures as a sort of uber-kind. I had no idea though, how to operate in the adult work world fraught with interoffice politics and I was so scared of committing professional suicide that I fled before I could screw anything up too royally. Better to quit when they still like you and find another job and quit there before they fire you and find another job... that's been my M.O. for the last several years. I'm wondering now how much good and how much harm the "gifted" label and being in the "gifted" program and having my mom and dad make a big deal about it, did me. I'm afraid of being ordinary. I'm afraid of looking dumb. I've made a lot of dumb mistakes because of this.
Just wondering how many TMSers are "gifted." I think others have raised the question about intelligence but I'm wondering specifically about early educational segregation and labeling and parental expectations attached to the phrase. I'm not that smart, no where near as smart as I was led to believe I was and it was quite a smack to the old ego. No wonder it's pissed.
Just my late night, cramped neck thoughts. Stupid TMS, like I'm gonna believe there's something wrong with my neck when I know it's all in my head... |
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Jim D.
USA
63 Posts |
Posted - 09/01/2004 : 10:45:57
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quote:
Originally posted by Burton
I'm wondering now how much good and how much harm the "gifted" label and being in the "gifted" program and having my mom and dad make a big deal about it, did me.... I'm not that smart, no where near as smart as I was led to believe I was and it was quite a smack to the old ego.
Your posting certainly resonated with me. I can still vividly remember my parents' reaction to my first grade below an A in high school (like your situation, it was in algebra). It was a B+, and they called the teacher to see what could be done. They soon forgot about the episode, but--nearly 50 years later--it remains in my mind. Like you, I am "not that smart," but have had to deal with these expectations for many years. It all came to a head when I went to graduate school and was in classes where everybody was smart, and I suffered in comparison to most of the other students (I took my M.A. and then left the doctoral program). It's not difficult to imagine what such experiences do to a person's self-esteem. No wonder TMS seized the opportunity. |
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n/a
32 Posts |
Posted - 09/01/2004 : 11:59:55
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Hi Burton,
I can definitely relate. I think in some ways I gave my body the message that as long as I am "succeeding" on the outside, it's ok to be in pain on the inside. In college I used caffeine and sugar like an addict would use cocaine to do all-nighters in order to cram for exam or complete a paper. It didn't matter how horrible I felt in my body or how much weight I would gain and then lose as long as I kept my perfect 4.0 GPA and kept all my scholarships and measured up to the expectations of others. That was 20 years ago and I think my body still reverts to taking on physical symptoms in order to deal with the anxiety of trying to please someone or to succeed at something. I think our procrastination and quitting to avoid failure comes out of the "gifted child" identity as well.
When I reached graduate school because of physical symptoms and a well-developed eating disorder I actually had to drop out for a semester and switch schools and then drop out and switch schools again until I landed in a graduate program that wasn't as "prestigious" but definitely doable for me. The eating disorder mysteriously left and I became a "slacker" and had fun partying along with doing the school assignments. At the end of graduate school I was surpised I still got a 3.7 GPA.
There's a book that describes a lot of what you are talking about Burton. It's called "The Drama of the Gifted Child: the Search for the True Self" by Alice Miller. Maybe you've already read it.
Take care,
LJ |
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Simona
USA
7 Posts |
Posted - 09/01/2004 : 17:22:28
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Burton,
Your post struck a chord with me also. As the mother of three sons, two who were categorized as gifted (the first and third), it has become apparent to me the more I learn about TMS that they both show signs of TMS equivalency. They both grind their teeth, the oldest has had on and off again stomach problems which checked out to be nothing.The youngest went through several years of ongoing headaches, again nothing. They are both worriers, both procrastinators.
In contrast, the son who was not labeled gifted but to me is just as bright, is very easygoing, artistic, an outdoorsy type. He was rarely sick growing up. Headache or stomachache unheard of. He was more verbal growing up and would cry more often than his brothers.
I feel that the pressures and worries of the "gifted" two were very much self imposed as it sounds like yours might be also.
Good luck Burton, I think you have hit on an important issue here. |
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seanf
21 Posts |
Posted - 09/01/2004 : 18:16:16
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Burton,
Your comments are VERY resonant with my own TMS experiences. My pain started literally within two weeks of my first professional job, and in the midst of an ongoing family crisis. I have always been perceived and labeled as "gifted", whether it was the "Gifted and Talented" program in middle school, my "perfect" SAT Math score, or my senior superlative "Most Likely to Succeed." While part of me has always been proud of these accomplishments, another part resents them and the expectations they create, which can quickly become internalized. Sarno writes about the tug of war between superego and id. I think this conflict is amplified in people who have such high expectations placed on them.
And like you, I bailed out of an incredible career opportunity because of my TMS pain, fearing that I would injure myself permanently. Luckily, I've managed to keep the doors open, and I'm currently struggling through my pain, applying Sarno techniques, and hoping that some day soon I can begin to live a normal life again. (5 weeks now since my introduction to Sarno...)
Good luck in you efforts! |
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res
USA
53 Posts |
Posted - 09/03/2004 : 00:12:48
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| I was also a gifted child and have a gifted child as a daughter. I find that she puts a lot of pressure on herself naturally. I do think that being gifted is not necessarily a gift. However, I think that many parents push these children too far. I am in counseling and am finding out that I actually felt like I would be abandoned if I didn't live up to my father's expectations. Currently, I am battling a TMS equivalent of cystitis after successfully getting rid of sciatica and neck pain. The fear of failure and the perfectionism are still very strong in me and fighting to be there. |
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"Gifted"?
