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silverglass
USA
3 Posts |
 Posted - 01/26/2006 : 05:33:28
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Hi all, I have been having classic tms symptoms for the past three years off and on-back pain, travelling pain, reflux, panic attacks and probably other things. I have read and re-read Sarno's books and do accept that I have tms and fit the personality profile. I have been to numerous mds, a psychologist for a while and a ridiculous chiropractor (before I found Sarno). I have tried journaling but it ends up I just relive my emotions again without resolution.
See here's the thing, I know what the source of my repressed anger is....I see/deal with her every day. She's my partner of 10 years who lost both her parents within a year of each other 3 years ago. She has entered menopause (not gracefully I might add) and has developed dependencies on alcohol and prescription drugs. If I express any anger and/or emotion over anything she has said or done she just denies that she said/did it and accuses me of being crazy or needing to have my hearing checked or being too sensitive or pulls the trump card out that I'm not being understanding because 'I still have both my parents'.
So here's the question finally, I'm just looking for other ideas/strategies about dealing with difficult partners, without internalizing everything and having this chronic pain. I'm sure I'm not alone in this. My therapist ended up just validating my feelings and basically said I needed to end our relationship or resolve our relationship issues.
I do not yet want to end the relationship, we have a beautiful home, she works in the business I own, we even have pets that I don't want to split up. See some of her issues are temporary I think and I still remember and get flashes of the person I fell in love with.
She refuses to see a therapist herself, says they don't know what they are talking about. She thought about it briefly when her MD threatened to stop giving her xanax and suggested she see a therapist. What ended up happening though is she refused to go unless I paid for it. Now mind you I already pay her a full time salary for about 5 hours work a day, pay for her car, health insurance and with the exception of food pay all our household bills so my initial reaction was no way but I did say if she found a therapist we could talk about it I just wouldn't commit financially without knowing what. She has plenty of money by the way, she still has most of what she inherited from her parents.
Anyway I'm just venting now so thanks for your patience and of course there is always more to mine and everyone else's story.
Best regards |
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Scottydog
United Kingdom
330 Posts |
Posted - 01/26/2006 : 07:37:37
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I get stressed at my husband - he is over 230 pounds, takes no exercise, has a stressful job, is 57 years old and now 5 ft 7 ins (used to be 5ft 8-9ins but bad posture means he has shrunk) - and I have spent my married life trying to persuade him to get fitter. If/when he has his cardiac bypass / stroke / angina it will be me who has to nurse him back to health, fuss over him, etc etc Very TMS inducing. Also I would like a husband who looks slimmer!
But I now realise that you cannot change anyone - in fact my pressuring probably made the problem worse.
You cannot change anyone - only you can change.
So now I breezily stroll out the door for my daily walk on my own when I used to have this martyred grumpy partner beside me. I never comment on the steak he is eating but make sure I really enjoy my salad, try to look as young and trendy as I can when we go out, etc etc
It's early days yet but he is definitely looking a bit nonplussed. Also I think he liked the attention he got from me wittering on about his health. But it's entirely his responsiblity now, not mine, which is a weight off my shoulders.
I also suspect that noone ever takes anyone else's advice. After years of lying awake worrying about some or other family member's problem I don't think we can make much difference. And if by chance someone appears to have taken your advice they will never put it down to you - they think that it came to them themselves.
Have you ever been thanked for a great piece of advice? (I mean life problems not stocks and shares!)
Anyway, this is how I see it.
Anne
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Star
USA
16 Posts |
Posted - 01/26/2006 : 08:05:07
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Anne,
That is a GREAT attitude for your own well being. 
One of the stresses that I've had to deal with is my 14 yo stepdaughter. She's turning into the rampaging teenager who won't make good grades even though she's smart enough. My husband doesn't believe in grounding as a way to bring up her grades - plus he's never punished her.
I told him earlier that I won't be involved in her disclipline - she's not my daughter, he can deal with it. But I would still get stressed out because he would threaten her and then do NONE of the threats.
I recently told him that his attitude towards me because I have a problem with his actions towards her - it's done. I won't be involved anymore. I'm not worrying about any of it. If he's going to let her get away with bad grades and not be able to get into a good college or get a good job in the future - whatever. It's not on my head. She obviously isn't discliplined enough on her own and I all my suggestions have been ignored.
I can't tell you what a relief it is off my shoulders. It's not a cliche, that's where all my stress goes! 
The stress isn't completely gone, she lives with us so it still bugs me but no where near as it did before.
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HilaryN
United Kingdom
879 Posts |
Posted - 01/27/2006 : 15:12:13
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silverglass,
I agree with your therapist - not that I'm qualified in such things, it's just my opinion.
Is there any chance you could persuade your partner to accompany you to relationship guidance counselling?
Failing that I highly recommend a book called "Non-violent Communication" by Marshall B. Rosenberg.
Anne and Star - very sensible. In the end, everyone has to take responsibility for themselves. No-one else can do it for them - try as we might
Hilary N |
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Calvin
USA
46 Posts |
Posted - 01/28/2006 : 06:22:10
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quote:
Originally posted by Scottydog
I also suspect that noone ever takes anyone else's advice. After years of lying awake worrying about some or other family member's problem I don't think we can make much difference. And if by chance someone appears to have taken your advice they will never put it down to you - they think that it came to them themselves.
Have you ever been thanked for a great piece of advice? (I mean life problems not stocks and shares!)
Anyway, this is how I see it.
Anne
Anne, I'm glad you wrote this. I mentioned this in one of my first posts here months ago. Yet I seem to forget how to practice my own medicine, and it's good to come back here and get a refresher course.
I recently poked myself in the eye. Definitely NOT a TMS symptom, lol - but after going through the process of seeing an eye doctor and having all the tests done, he said you are fine, there is no serious damage, and you'll be recovered completely in a few days. Well, I'm still having some pain - I started thinking worst case scenarios, the doc was wrong, I have something he didn't catch, its infected, etc. After reading your post, I stopped and took inventory of things bugging me - sure enough, I repressed a lot of anger about my current financial situation because my wife, although the love of my life and I would shrivel without her, is a financial idiot. Her only fault. Its something I've tried to change over the years, but she just can't do it.
As soon as I realized all this, the pain is still there but the fear of it is completely gone. Fear is a great pain stimulator - I know that in a few days, without fear, the pain will go away. |
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Looking for suggestions
