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Suz
559 Posts |
 Posted - 11/29/2005 : 07:21:27
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This TMS monster is so sneaky. I am suddenly experiencing a flare up -in my left sciatica down my leg - this was my location for 12 years and I haven't had pain there in a long time. In fact, ever since I broke off my engagement, I haven't had any pain - just the occasional twinge in the back.
This pain is the sharp, shock like kind that makes one's leg buckle. I know now that when I have this, something must be really bothering me. It always helps to post here. I do not have nearly the same kind of fear that I always used to have as I know this is TMS. But I have to go through exactly the same exercise.
What am I not thinking about? What am I not willing to face?
1. I broke my foot 6 weeks ago and hate wearing sneakers - seem to have lost my feminine identity without my nice shoes. (silly but true)
2. Consequently, i can't exercise - my ballet is my favorite and I was getting in really great shape
3. I have a horrendous cold - and have lost my voice. I have to work as I work for a workaholic company where noone ever takes time off when they are sick - major resentment.
4. I broke off my engagement. I don't have any man in my life any more - first time in my life. I am not used to this at all. I hate it.
5. The guy I liked has bailed on me and hasn't called me for a month. idiot!
6. I am 35 years old - am unmarried and don't have children - desperately want children. Will I ever find anyone? help
7. I feel very sorry for myself - on top of cold and broken foot, now I have painful sciatica - enough is enough
8. I have to go home to England for Christmas and recently had a bad run in with my mother when she was over here in the states. She called me a religious fanatic and I yelled at her etc. etc. We apologized - she did ( I just apologized for raising my voice). However, I am anticipating a nightmare Christmas.
9. I do a lot of counselling with addicts outside of my job - which takes up a lot of time. I am fed up of constantly helping people (really being honest here)
10. When am I going to have some fun????????
11. I have been spending too much recently - am worried about money as I really want to buy a place in the next few months
12. I feel unfulfilled in my job - am an assistant to the head of a very successful Hedge Fund - very good money and wonderful people. But I am not using any of my talents. I speak 5 languages (quite badly now!) and I am a natural teacher. I am disappointed that I don't use any of those gifts. It is really hard to survive on a teacher's salary.
Hmm - I can't think of anything else right now but that is quite a list. I guess my brain can't take anymore. I am really really fed up right now. It seems that everyone else has such an easy life and mine sucks right now.
Thank you for letting me rant and rave. I know this is self indulgent but hey - this is TMS and it takes me looking honestly at myself - something I never used to do.
Please - could things get better???! |
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jilly_girl
USA
108 Posts |
Posted - 11/29/2005 : 07:35:35
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Hi Suz, i can really relate to your post. I am helping to care for my dying mom and i feel a cold coming on this morning. I dont feel i can be around her if i'm sick but i have to be there.....I am overwhelmed in every single area of my life.( marriage sucks, parent ill, finances kaput!) I dont have any great advice (wish i did) except for this: if you do NOT want to do Christmas, then...dont. I am going to do what i truly want this holiday season, not what is expected. My favorites: church christmas music, drive through Nativity scene, Christmas movies with hot chocolate. and little spending. I will NOT be cooking a huge meal Christmas Day either! Blessings to you!
Jill |
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Suz
559 Posts |
Posted - 11/29/2005 : 09:11:16
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Thanks for kind words, jilly.
I have not had a flare up in ages and am trying to go straight to Sarno's cure list
Repudiate the physical
Focus, focus, focus on the emotional.
Just don't worry about the pain - have no fear -there is no need to.
I think because I have such a bad cold that it is hard for me to be constructive and positive in my thinking. I am feeling very sorry for myself and this feeds into the rage and anxiety.
It has always helped me to be light hearted and even laugh at the pain.
If any veterans out there have any advice on how they have dealt with random flare ups - that would be great |
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miehnesor
USA
430 Posts |
Posted - 12/01/2005 : 08:26:24
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Sorry to hear of this recent flareup. It sounds like things are not going well for you lately, obviously, and this is triggering some repressed anger and the symptoms. Your list is very long. Its no wonder you are having pain.
Are you having any luck figuring out what item on the list is causing your pain or are you staying with the approach of laughing at the symptoms and telling your brain to just knock it off?
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Suz
559 Posts |
Posted - 12/01/2005 : 13:11:16
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miehnsor,
I have taken a day off work to try and recover from this nasty bug. I have spent time this morning reading Sarno's Healing Back pain - especially the treatment and psychology chapters.
I am now sitting with my list and expanding on all of the items - breaking down the fears and resentments.
I still have the pain - but I think it feels a little less. Last night I was really really upset and had that helpless, victim feeling - when I feel like that, the pain normally gets worse. I feel I am being proactive and every time I feel the twinge down my leg, I switch to one of the things on my list.
I will let you know when the pain goes. When it comes down to it, just sticking to Sarno's system - pure and simple - has always worked for me. I would normally also exercise but cannot as I am sick. |
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Baseball65
USA
734 Posts |
Posted - 12/02/2005 : 18:11:17
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Hell...why haven't you had your flare-up sooner??
One outsider looking in tip-off....this is your first Holiday season alone..I imagine that might make you feel more vulnerable,angry,rage
Out of the list,it's sorta hard to choose,but I'd pick MOM next,than the mortality/children/frustration and than the dope fiends.
Re: It's the one that seems least offensive or totally ignored that is usually the culprit.I'm on the tail end of a flare-up that I thought was kids/wife/family....been gone for days and FLARED bad while I was on an errand with the Bosses brother.I kept ignoring it thinking 'damn...I did my work this morning...leave me alone and I'll deal with it tonight!"
Than it hit me in a flash...I really like my Job so I suspected it the least in my last 'investigation' and writing.It occured to me that deep down I'm very afraid of losing this job because I like it so much and they like me.I'm paid well and given a lot of respect...rare.When I was on the errand with my bosses brother,he was going reeeeeaaaally slow and deep down I felt like I was 'slipping' e.g. "I should be back at the jobsite cranking it out..not here shopping for supplies"
I immediately felt an anxiety attack coming on bigtime,so I used that 'Miami' technique and aborted it....and the pain went with it.
BTW are you currently indecisive about something??
just wondering...one of your statements led me to believe you were.
your on the case.
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The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. |
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Suz
559 Posts |
Posted - 12/03/2005 : 17:52:46
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Baseball,
I am intrigued. Hmm, what am I indecisive about? Well - I did have a bit of a hiccup in starting to warm up to my old fiance again - it always happens when I feel lonely. My flare up happened the next day after calling him last Sunday. After church, I went looking for him to say hello (why on why I ask myself). He had already left. Normally I avoid going to the same service but I decided that it didn't bother me any more seeing him again. We had a really nice chat on the phone - although he snapped at me telling me I interrupted him. I found that annoying. I then say him at a meeting on Tuesday night and we talked a little. I noticed that he had made an effort to wear nicer clothes than normal ( maybe for me - or am I just extraordinarily self involved to think this!). He then emailed me this week and asked me if I wanted to get together for tea. A couple of weeks ago, I had had a discussion with him when we were splitting wedding presents to give back to our prospecitive people (highly unpleasant event). I told him that friends just isn't a possibility right now.
I guess I lead him on by calling him last weekend. He looked good at the meeting and I still waver. Then he says something incredibly annoying and I feel like running away again. I guess the old conflict inside of me could be back again.
But could this really cause a flare up? In the last few months, every time I have thought or panicked about having left him, I have had pain suddenly. could it be this simple? I didn't think it had to be one thing necessarily. Could it be as simple as my unconscious telling me - "get away from him. I don't want you to be with him. What are you that stupid to go back????"
Baseball - when you get a flare up. What is your mode of action? Do you grab Sarno's book and read the treatment chapter? It sounds like you immediately start journalling? Do you get flare ups frequently? It seems like you might have some expert advice in what you do.
Does anyone ever eliminate pain completely?
I am checking out Fred Amir's book right now - it was approved by Sarno. It seems to delve into ways to really get control over the unconscious - sort of bossing it around and getting quick results. He has ideas of rewards and punishments - interesting. I wonder if it complicates things a bit. |
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miehnesor
USA
430 Posts |
Posted - 12/03/2005 : 20:33:22
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Suz- Seems like you have hit on the cause of your flareup- your indecisiveness wrt the ex. It's amazing how your unconscious is adamant that you need to stay away from this guy.
It's tough because you are constantly seeing him and you are getting drawn back into it with him. You have to find a way not to let this happen. |
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Baseball65
USA
734 Posts |
Posted - 12/04/2005 : 08:56:07
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Hi Suz.
When I get a flare I just go back to the three basics (the three R's...refute,recondition,return)...however they've evolved a little over time.Obviously I have no 'new' diagnosis to refute,but there is the lingering 'TERROR' of "oh no..what did I do to myself"..for this I actually get somewhere alone and SCREAM and talk to myself.Being sort of a weirdo anyways,I'm generally ignored.In the hardware store the other day I began to yell."Arrrrrrghhh"...my partner asked me: "What?...are you a Pirate or something?"
As far as recondition...Even though there isn't an activity on this PLANET I avoid,conditioning happens fasssst! I had zero symptoms yesterday..but I noticed as I was in the skatepark last night I felt a little warning tingle....hmmmmm...so,these kids were laughing at their freind for eating ****e in the pool really bad..I told them :"Let's have a contest to see who can eat ****e in the most spectacular fashion"
I dropped into the pool,went up the wall and purposely ate it,end over end in a somersault landing spread eagle on the bottom...I got an 8.5 (we were keeping score)...if that isn't challenging the notion of injury,I don't know what is
Lastly...recondition.I am currently afraid to go shopping.That is where all my recent symptoms have occured.Kind of funny...I can work at hard labor for 10 hours without a break,fall into pools and I'm OK,but I'm NOW afraid to STAND in a store!!
I hate shopping,so I don't know when I'll get a chance,but that is a 'new' conditioning that I'll have to purposely and forcefully go out and challenge.
...and yes,I do write,though it too has evolved.I just scribble down the names of people places things I'm angry with and write a few paragraphs,all the while looking for that glimmer of insight to whom I'm NOT angry with (my Bosses Brother) but causes anxiety and rage.
The reason I asked about the indecisiveness was the cold.Everytime I get a cold,it means there is something deeply rooted to which I have not wholeheartedly commited ....a decision on which I am 'waffling'
you sure have a full plate....my life's serene in comparison.
Oh yeah...I always read the book (HBP) from page one,and jot down any and every new insight it jars loose...over and over again until the symptoms evaporate.
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Sciatic pain back - aaargh
