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Michael D
10 Posts |
 Posted - 11/23/2005 : 11:38:46
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I would like to take an informal survey of TMSers on this forum. It’s a one question survey based on the work of John Gottman. In his book the Relationship Cure, Gottman says that there are 4 basic emotional philosophies for handling emotions in a family. The question is which one of these best describes your family when you where growing up.
Emotion-dismissing (sounds like “cheer up” or “you’ll get over it” or “there’s no need to get angry over it”) In this philosophy the family members discourage the sharing of emotion.
Emotion- disapproving (sounds like “you shouldn’t feel that way”, “you better change your attitude)” In this philosophy the family members display hostility and punishment for the emotional expression of fear, sadness and anger)
Laissez-faire (sounds like “I understand how you feel” In this philosophy the family members encourage the sharing of emotion to “let off steam”, but then it’s done with no help coping, or problem solving)
Emotion-coaching (sounds like “I understand how you feel, Let me help you” In this philosophy the family members have a high regard for expressing emotions. Coaching families teach children to express their feelings in ways that are appropriate and effective, and to cope, soothe themselves and solve problems so they don’t recur.
I will go first. I grew up in an Emotions-disapproving home. In my home growing up, the so called negative emotions were met with verbal abuse and punishment and so I learned to repress most of these emotions. |
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Juno
Canada
11 Posts |
Posted - 11/23/2005 : 11:46:30
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Sure-
In my family dealing with most emotions would probably come under the laissez faire approach. They are mainly supportive but I would say in my parents' backrounds they either had an emotion-dismissing or disapproving approach so they were not great at how to deal with emotions although they were understanding.
However anger was a big no no. Definitely emotion-disapproving there. |
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PeterW
Canada
102 Posts |
Posted - 11/23/2005 : 20:04:02
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Mostly emotion dismissing here. Not in a callous way, but in an kind, listening to you way. But then the response usually was to put on the stiff upper lip and dont worry so much, it'll be fine kind of thing.
There was some emotion disapproving too, especially with anger and tears. I wonder how many other guys on this board were told not to cry by the time they'd reached 12 years old.
Mind you, I do remember by by my teen years being encouraged by family to speak my mind, thoughts and even feelings more but I was really bottled up by this point. I think this had as much to do with surroundings and peers (harrassment and bullying) as family. Influences outside family were extremely emotion disapproving. |
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marytabby
USA
545 Posts |
Posted - 11/24/2005 : 05:53:21
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| Emotion- disapproving |
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molomaf
119 Posts |
Posted - 11/24/2005 : 12:36:44
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emotion-disapproving
As I have thought about this question since I posted, I remembered that as kids if we (siblings) were laughing and having a good time, my mother would say, "laughing now-you'll be crying later". I remember how that just put an end to the fun we were having. |
Edited by - molomaf on 11/28/2005 07:41:50 |
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n/a
560 Posts |
Posted - 11/24/2005 : 12:41:35
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| For me it would be closer to Emotion-dismissing with elements of Emotion-disapproving. |
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Michael D
10 Posts |
Posted - 11/25/2005 : 16:40:22
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| Thanks for the responses so far. Is there anyone who came from a family where you had emotion-coaching and a healthy way that family members shared there feelings including anger? |
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electraglideman
USA
162 Posts |
Posted - 11/25/2005 : 18:00:55
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| Emotion-diapproving. Not only was I admonished for showing fear, sadness, and anger, I was not to show too much joy at having a good time. In other words I should be more reserved in showing any emotions. Even into adulthood I felt guilty when I was having a good time. I know that sounds stupid but its true. |
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Scottydog
United Kingdom
330 Posts |
Posted - 11/26/2005 : 03:15:15
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You didn't include emotion suppressing.
My father was alcoholic and it's the norm for everyone to suppress emotions in this type of household or life would be one long yelling match.
Anne
Scottydog |
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Michael D
10 Posts |
Posted - 11/26/2005 : 07:08:17
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Ann,
Thanks for your post. Suppressing and repressing emotions are the result of an environment of emotion-dissaproving and emotion-dissmissing. Here is the dictionary.com definition of suppression
To put an end to forcibly; subdue.
To curtail or prohibit the activities of.
To keep from being revealed, published, or circulated.
In an alcoholic home the secrets are kept, the emotions are kept in check and everyone focuses on the alcholic instead of their own feelings (co-dependence)
I grew up in a similar situation and after a very short time my brothers and I stopped sharing any feelings.
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Scottydog
United Kingdom
330 Posts |
Posted - 11/28/2005 : 02:25:13
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Hi Michael,
Disapproving and dismissing sounds like negative responses from the adults in the household. I don't recall that happening - there was just a "don't talk about it" atmosphere involving everyone - grandparents, neighbours etc. We children probably just copied what we saw the adults doing, maybe we were trying not to make a difficult situation worse.
Anne
Scottydog |
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Michael D
10 Posts |
Posted - 11/28/2005 : 10:12:29
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Anne,
What do you think would happen if you had tried to talk about your feelings including anger?
Michael |
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samthefish
23 Posts |
Posted - 11/28/2005 : 12:37:38
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Be emotions disapproving with a dash of dismissing - kind of the "stiff upper lip" mentality
-SamTheFish |
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jilly_girl
USA
108 Posts |
Posted - 11/28/2005 : 12:50:08
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i was strongly discouraged from expressing emotion "you blow everything out of proportion" I was told i was a "nervous child". When i did have a blow up or tantrum i was called "Aunt Susie", my aunt with such a terrible temper and vicious tongue no one wanted to be around her! Still....who had perfect parents? Or who IS a perfect one? Not me!
Jill |
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Scottydog
United Kingdom
330 Posts |
Posted - 11/28/2005 : 13:34:25
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Hi Michael,
I think the response would have initially been embarrassment if there'd been open emotional expression.
Also there was always an unspoken feeling of "poor Mum", she is bringing up 5 kids as well as dealing with a problem husband, so expressing your unhappy emotions would have seemed like making things worse for her. So I spose this is a sort of emotion- disapproving right enough.
Anne
Scottydog |
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Feelings in your family
