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n/a
560 Posts |
 Posted - 11/16/2005 : 12:51:01
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This was found in today's Toronto Globe and Mail. See: http://www.theglobeandmail.com/servlet/ArticleNews/TPStory/LAC/20051116/CAETHICS16/TPBusiness/?query=101
It got me thinking about anger provoking events in my own life and how being over-looked in favour of someone else who I may have felt was not deserving brought up a lot of emotions in me during my morning journaling. (what does he or she have that I don't have kind of thinking) Since anger is the primary emotion for those with TMS I thought reading the following scenrario, then imagining this happening to you and then linking it with similar incidents in your life and noticing what emtions are evoked would be an interesting area of discussion. Read on...........
Every day, people are faced with moral dilemmas at work. Here's a chance to put your two cents into the ethical pot. Please include your full name and address. Responses may be edited for clarity and brevity.
This week's question You were recently passed over for promotion. Instead, your boss chose a colleague who has lesser experience and achievements. You have since discovered through another co-worker that your promoted colleague does kitchen renovations on the side, and that he just started fixing up your boss's home on weekends. They were not previously known to be friends. Should you speak up?
To submit answers or dilemmas:
bizethics@globeandmail.ca |
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2scoops
USA
386 Posts |
Posted - 11/17/2005 : 13:23:54
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| Well, I have had something similar happen to me at work. I am in sales and my sales manager pulled his son out of the warehouse to come into sales. They were suppossed to divide the territories up, to make them fair and needless to say I got the short end of the stick. He just sits around taking orders, coming and going as he pleases and I am busting my butt trying to gain new accounts. He has been in sales for 5 months and has beat me every month, I have been doing this for two years. He has no college degree. As I write this I am in a rage. But I know this is conscious anger that Sarno is not talking about, but I know my rage affects my health. |
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n/a
560 Posts |
Posted - 11/17/2005 : 13:29:16
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| Ok, that is a good opening discussion. But why does it make you angry? This is the deeper question. And does is remind you in any way of similar things that have happened to you over the years. I was hoping to trigger a discussion on this board surrounding anger issues and why we get angry...How do you really feel inside apart from the conscious anger? Your initial re-actions can actually be a distraction from what is really going on inside. |
Edited by - n/a on 11/17/2005 13:31:52 |
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2scoops
USA
386 Posts |
Posted - 11/17/2005 : 15:44:56
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It makes me angry because it affects my pay, my livelihood, I feel like they are taking advantage of me. I feel like because this is the manager's son, and he just got married anfd just had a baby then they are looking out for him. It makes me angry because I've been with the company 7 years and he's only been there a year.
I guess that me feeling like I have been takien advantage of, makes me think of one relationship I was in. I was with someone for about 6 months, she was a single mom who lost custody of her child, she was torn and I used to comfort her ever night. Then after months she stopped bein around me, she would say she wanted to see me, but then she would do something else. She made me feel that way.
As far as my current job situation, how does that make me feel. Besides the rage, there is bitterness, I want to see him fail, I guess because I feel like I've failed. |
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Stryder
686 Posts |
Posted - 11/17/2005 : 16:58:42
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quote:
Originally posted by PeterMcKay
...a discussion on this board surrounding anger issues and why we get angry...
Here's my opinion in generic terms (and I'm making an assumption by "we" you are referring to TMSers).
We all have a self-image, and in the case of the perfectionist, the self-image plays a high priority role in our happiness.
If the self-image is damaged, or attacked, that causes a big impact. In other people where self-image is not important to them, the damage/attack is shrugged off, as in "oh well", and life merrily goes on without skipping a beat.
Back to the TMSer. So, with the self-image of high import and now in jeopardy, one of three things can happen:
(1) We can get angry, and the anger may release the self-imposed stress caused by the attack. In this case expressing the anger may resolve the hurt, and life merrily goes on. Another path is the anger is expressed, but is consciously obsessed over, and the person remains angry for a time (or forever).
(2) We can consciously repress (internalize) the anger, and just simmer inside.
(3) We can unconsciously repress the anger. This is where most TMSers get their initial pain symptoms, and they have no clue what is causing the pain, and they seek mainstream medicine to "fix" the pain.
I think the way it goes in many cases, we start out at a younger age getting angry, and are told that anger is not socially acceptable. Later, we are taught/learn to "hold our tongues" and try not to express our anger. Lastly, the anger repression becomes ingrained and automatic, unconscious repression of rage, and that sets the stage for TMS.
The cure, as we all have been learning, is to reverse and unlearn this bad habit.
Just my 2 cents, -Stryder |
Edited by - Stryder on 11/17/2005 17:02:41 |
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ralphyde
USA
307 Posts |
Posted - 11/17/2005 : 19:58:12
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There could also be some deeper roots here which relate to childhood issues with siblings, where there is favoritism by one or both parents, where one might be either the favored sibling and thus have unconscious expectations of getting the favored treatment, or being the one who felt treated unfairly in relation to siblings, which could have created some unconscious rage in the rage reservoir. It seems that both situations could be at the root of some unconscious anger.
Ralph |
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2scoops
USA
386 Posts |
Posted - 11/18/2005 : 07:43:46
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| Ralphyde, I have thought about that. But it's hard for me to remember my childhood. My mom always struggled with depression, she was kind of distant. She never hugged us children, or gave us encouragement. My dad didn't either, he supported the family, so most time was with my mother. I have an older brother and sister by the way. I don't think my parents showed favoritism, because they were so distant, emotionally. I do believe that I was driven to succeed, to show someone that I was worthy of their affection. |
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n/a
560 Posts |
Posted - 11/18/2005 : 08:29:28
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quote:
Originally posted by 2scoops
I do believe that I was driven to succeed, to show someone that I was worthy of their affection.
This statement is worth exploring further and linking it to your current job situation, your desire for recogition from your boss and your hurt when it does not come. You may be driven to work hard to prove your worthiness, and when this is not recognized and even passed over in the favour of someone else then it re-inforces the internal belief that you are not worthy. In order to repress that painful (and even embarrassing) feeling your work even harder to prove you are worthy, and the vicious cycle is perpetuated. In short, your drive to succeed in a responce to an internal belief about yourself that you are not worthy- ie. low self esteem. The fact that your mother was kind of distant and that she never hugged you or your siblings children or gave you encouragement may also tie into the low-self esteem/ unworthy feelings. "I'll show them," goes the internal dialogue," I will work harder than ever to prove I am worthy." And then when your boss does this, despite all your efforts, it wounds you to the core and triggers that inner low self esteem belief. TMS is the outcome because the emotional pain is to great to deal with.
How true does this sound for you? |
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Scottydog
United Kingdom
330 Posts |
Posted - 11/18/2005 : 14:29:52
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Well yeah but his boss is also an ungrateful swine and a bully (knows his employee needs a job so doesn't risk speaking his mind)!
Possibly the product of an unloving childhood etc etc etc but is that any consolation to 2scoops?
anne
Scottydog |
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2scoops
USA
386 Posts |
Posted - 11/18/2005 : 18:20:46
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| Peter, to an extent. When my TMS pain started I did not work that hard, due to the pain. I have always wanted to be the best at what I do, sports, education, etc. When I played sports, if I did not perform, then I felt like I let people down. In other words if we lost a game I may have blamed myself. |
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Scottydog
United Kingdom
330 Posts |
Posted - 11/19/2005 : 08:56:11
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Understanding where our anger comes from is important though Sarno just says we have to acknowledge that it is the cause rather than everyone needing deep analysis.
I just wanted to comment that I think we can get bogged down in who is to blame for the anger (usually parents) when they are a product of their upbringing but as are the people around us - bosses, work colleagues etc and giving thought to why for example the boss behaved the way he did can make it less infuriating and easier to accept.
We are also a product of our genes and having a depressed mother means you might inherit the tendency. Trying to accept that and work with it might be more useful than feeling you missed out on something which cannot be changed now ( happy childhood).
I don't know anyone who wouldn't be hurt at being over looked for promotion when they felt better qualified than the one promoted.
Anne
Scottydog |
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Scottydog
United Kingdom
330 Posts |
Posted - 11/20/2005 : 08:46:05
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Am just adding a note to apologise to Peter, 2scoops etc for taking this thread off topic.
Have just realised that the only time I write to the messageboard is when i'm feeling particularly tetchy (or maybe that's just plain angry or bad tempered!) and something I read winds me up and I fire off a reply without giving it proper thought. Hence the previous message which was really about problems I am trying to work through rahter than what the actual thread was about.
Hope you can get back on course.
Anne
Scottydog |
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2scoops
USA
386 Posts |
Posted - 11/21/2005 : 07:32:43
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| Peter, I really appreciate you taking the time to start this post. This is the stuff we are supposed to be thinking about, those things that we may not be aware of what is bothering us, making us angry. Scotty, no offense taken, we all do that, some of us just don't voice it, we suppress it. |
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n/a
560 Posts |
Posted - 11/21/2005 : 07:36:08
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| I try to get people to think about these things but people keep talking about their pain, and this is not helping at all. |
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2scoops
USA
386 Posts |
Posted - 11/22/2005 : 13:28:46
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| Peter, do you have any other suggestions, strategies? |
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n/a
560 Posts |
Posted - 11/22/2005 : 16:00:56
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I wish I did have suggestions, but every time I come on this board people are talking about their pain when this does not help at all. I was hoping - except for newbies of course- that board members would talk about what issues are taking place in their lives, ie phsycological. I understand people are in pain, trust me on that one, but as long as they concentrate on their pyhsical symptoms this neither helps the writer or the readers. I could write a book on the pain I experience on a daily basis but what good will that do?
I do applaud those who really pour their hearts out on this board and really share their insights. I get most of my help from these types of postings. |
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n/a
374 Posts |
Posted - 11/23/2005 : 01:55:19
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The issues that work throws up, given that for many of us work is a huge part of who we are - or of what we perceive as a huge part of our lives, are very interesting.
My experience is rather different to those described. I never believed deep down that I was as good as those who had achieved promoted positions, even though, in some cases, their incompetence was obvious. Some years ago I began to apply for deputy-head teacher's posts, at the suggestion of a very senior colleague. I had three interviews, didn't get any of them (a common occurence), and on the last interview, during a de-briefing session with a senior colleague, was told to keep applying because I wouldn't have to wait much longer.
I did not apply for any more. Somehow I convinced myself that I didn't really want all the extra work and responsibility, but I have worked out now that I didn't believe deep down that I was good enough.
That's a thread that has run through my life. Even now. I work at an educational centre part-time and am covering for a colleague who is on holiday - he doesn't prepare his work properly, doesn't put any thought into the lessons he does with the children, but he's a really friendly guy. So I've covered for him - got his work up to date and said nothing.
I fall into the 'goodist' catagory of TMS sufferers, I guess.
I've worked out that this all comes from my childhood experiences. The trouble is, I find myself in the position of having to take care of my elderly mother and while I could deal with it while my true feelings about her (ie - rage at my mother's neediness) were deeply repressed, I now resent her and have great difficulty meeting her needs with a cheerful attitude - many times I have been close to telling her how I feel (she is still completely sharp mentally), but she is a helpless old lady - and boy, does she play on that. However, it would serve no purpose, she just cries like a three year old, if faced with anything unpleasant.
I still love my job, by the way - but these deep-down behaviour traits are difficult to get over. The good news is - the TMS back pain is no longer a problem. Unearthing negative emotions can come at a cost though and that shouldn't be underestimated. |
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n/a
560 Posts |
Posted - 11/23/2005 : 06:54:38
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This is an excellent post Anne and I hope to read more like it from others. I too suffer from profound low self esteem. I was nominated for an award recently and turned it down thinking myself to be a fraud and that others getting awards were more deserving. Then in a couple of weeks I was nominated for yet another award and accepted that one because I could not go to the ceremony. In short, I always feel like a fake and that others are better than me even when I excel. I was on the dean's list twice in University yet even then I thought those who were getting lower marks than me were better students. I do not give myself credit for anything.
Never good enough........
As for taking care of dying parents that has got to be tough and is a common thread on this board. People are just simply angry at their parents for getting old and dying. It is all about us. They are supposed to take care of us. They represent our security. How dare they get sick and die!!! I need them and they go and do this on me. Me me me me.....And now, to add on to things, their suffering is causing us real suffering which makes us even more angry. But alas, one is forced to repress those emotions as they are not socially acceptable and downright embarassing. One is expected to be strong and patient and this generates a lof of internal anger, because you do not want to be strong nor are you patient. |
Edited by - n/a on 11/23/2005 07:01:30 |
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Andrew2000
40 Posts |
Posted - 11/23/2005 : 10:14:21
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Reading Peter's and Anne's comments really hit home for me. My parents are aging, and am facing many of the issues that go along with that as mentioned -- and on the job, a lack of self-esteem over a period of years (and an overdose of "goodism") has kept me from being where I feel I "should" be now in comparison to others. Also, many in my family are more successful than I (as far as material things go) so I've spent a good deal of time "beating myself up" for not being good enough in some way ... feeling less than they are.
What's interesting though, and I think it's been stated on the board many times, is that solving all the problems isn't necessarily a requirement for alleviating the physical symptoms.
Over the past few few weeks, as I've become more aware and connected to these feelings and accepting them (while also trying to work out new ways to approach things), I've noticed that the TMS has been dissipating.
Also, I think men in general (at least in US society) are not always encouraged to express or even be in touch with what they feel. So for some of us guys, giving ourselves permission to open up to all that we may discover within is scary -- and also exciting at the same time. In addition to all of Dr. Sarno's work, I've found Candace Pert's CD, "Psychosomatic Wellness" to be very helpful. |
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Thought Provoking Question - Angry thoughts
