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ladyblue
United Kingdom
50 Posts |
 Posted - 10/19/2005 : 23:55:28
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Hello all,
It's now just after 6am and I've been sitting here since 3.30am having had one of the most painful nights I've had in a couple of weeks and I sort of drifted off into analytical thought, as you do, and something has occured to me....
I was thinking about my pain, not so much focusing on it because it was present, but more taking it to pieces and reminding myself that literally every element, pattern etc is mentioned in Dr Sarnos book...eg: The fact that it's worst upon waking & that it gets better as the day goes on, that it's uncomfortable standing still, that it's been diagnosed as disc space narrowing/degeneration, that it improves with heat application etc
Then I thought more specifically about the pain itself. The sensation of the muscles pulling/shifting etc, whilst "unpleasant" is manageable and certainly not worthy of pain killing medication. So I am then left with the one thing it can do that constantly terrorises me (the power of TMS!), a pain that although only seconds long, makes my knees buckle and send the whole lower back into spasm, the like being hit by lightening/shot/stabbed pain.
It's the "knowing" that it is capable of such a thing that keeps me constantly afraid, or in other words, has a firm grasp on my attention and holds me in a place of anticipation and fear..but, most importantly, my fear is of something that "may or may not happen"
Now I say, "most importantly", because if I'm completely honest with myself, that's pretty much how I live my life...."In fear of something that may or may not happen", not only relevant to my back but in general.
When I get in my car to drive, just for a split second I think, will I crash today? Whenever the children leave the house I think...will they be ok? If I go out for a meal I think...what if I don't like the food I'm served? If I'm in a crowded pub I will check where the exits are....just in-case a fight breaks out and I need to leave quickly. The list is endless but can be summarised as "In fear of something that may or may not happen".
Now having connected the two, I haven't a clue where to go with it?
I am in no doubt however, that with-in this there is not only a major issue that needs resolution but very possibly a key to my recovery?
Your thoughts would be most welcome.
Jane.
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n/a
374 Posts |
Posted - 10/20/2005 : 02:17:11
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That's exactly it, Jane - the fear! If your experience is like mine, you've now got the solution to the problem. Once you manage to analyse the pattern: ie - anticipation of pain, pain (however slight), escalating fear. more pain - on and on until you spend another day obsessing and worrying about pain and just about every other thing that could conceivably happen, no matter how unlikely.
I found CBT sessions pretty useless for dealing with psychosomatic pain, but one thing that sticks in my mind that I did find useful. My therapist said there are three kinds of anxiety that can escalate into an anxiety disorder - health anxiety, social anxiety and anxiety about anxiety. I suffered from the first and third one, though not the second.
I'd work on the anxiety if I were you, Jane. Rick Carson's book - 'Taming Your Gremlin', is great. It helped me take a more relaxed, light-hearted look at what was going on. His analogy that the fear and anxiety that are holding you back is a gremlin worked really well for me. Definitely worth a look - the things you are facing just now mirror so closely what I went through that I think you'd like his book and it may well point you in the right direction as well.
Very best wishes
Anne |
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ladyblue
United Kingdom
50 Posts |
Posted - 10/20/2005 : 14:04:13
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Hello Anne,
Many thanks for your reply. Your words were an instant relief!
I was a little concerned on reflection that I hadn't portrayed my thoughts/findings particulaly well.
It's quite difficult sometimes explaining the thoughts in your head, especially so of late as there are so many.
I've ordered the book you suggested and shall await it's arrival with great enthusiasm, actually I ended up ordering another one whilst I was there as it sounded rather interesting called "Your Body Believes Every Word You Say"(...lol..I've been telling mine it's thin ever since, hope it works!)
I'm also continuing my search for a psychotherapist as I really think the time has come for some support, however, I'm rapidly running out of places to look, there just don't appear to be any in my vicinity but I guess the right person is out there somewhere and for now I'll just have to trust in the process.
A question Anne if I may, compared to back then when you were where I am now, how is your fear/anxiety now? I felt from your words that you'd immediately connected with what I'd said..what were your feelings as you looked back and remembered.
I know that may sound a strange question but psychologically I think it would be benefitial to feed myself with a picture of whats "beyond the way I feel now"...does that make sense?
All the best Anne & thanks again...Jane |
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cindy_gail
22 Posts |
Posted - 10/20/2005 : 15:47:58
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ladyblue,
I think what happened to you last night was a break through for you. You put some major pieces together. It's ok not to know just yet what to do with all this. I know the feeling because I too am just starting to understand how much I worry all day about all sorts of little things. And what you're expriencing -- called anticipatory anxiety -- is something you've now named and can get a handlel on. I know it well! It happens a lot with phobias, and many times the trick is what's termed implosion -- you expose yourself to your greatest fear, let yourself experience it and realize that you're still ok, and in not too long it often takes its power away. I used to have it with tall sky scrapers ( while living in Chicago). I'd get such anxiety and feel so trapped downtown, I finally just stayed and let the anxiety and panic happen. I can go downtown now  |
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n/a
374 Posts |
Posted - 10/21/2005 : 03:06:08
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Cindy is right, Jane, it's OK not to know just yet, what to do with all this. If I can make another analogy - one way I look at my recovery is to think of a big jigsaw puzzle. Three years ago, I was like a mass of muddled pieces. I got better (psychologically and physically) by fitting some of the pieces back myself, some of them other people helped me find (real people and writers in books and here on this site), and some of the pieces mysteriously managed to fit themselves back together when I wasn't looking.
Where I am today, nearly three years on is - leading a normal life, working, driving, doing housework, enjoying times with family and friends. As far as the many manifestations of physical pain are concerned, in the last eighteen months I have never had to cancel anything because of back pain, IBS or whatever.
Sometimes I experience what I can only describe as a shadow or memory of what it felt like then. It's difficult to find words that describe it exactly - it is like a flash back to that time, but it passes quickly and does not cause me problems. It's only in my brain - Rick Carson would call it my gremlin attempting to get my attention.
I'm different now from how I was before I became incapacited by TMS. My husband sometimes talks about me being back to normal, but that's not it. Something fundamental has changed. I live in the present now, something I don't think I was ever able to do before.
The only major downside to all this is that my relationship with my elderly mother has changed - not to her advantage either. She needs my support because of her age, but I find it hard to give it cheerfully. In the past illogical guilt would have made me appear to be be the good, loving daughter, but she has never grown up - all her life she has expected, and got, someone else to look after her. I understand why my late father seemed so resentful of her now, but somewhere along the line, I'd taken on a whole load of guilt about their unhappiness.
Am I completely cured of TMS? Not sure, really. Pretty much, I think - I never thought that I would be more or less without physical pain and would be able to enjoy life as it is actually happening, but that's what's happened.
Sometimes I ask myself why I keep reading and posting here. I like to be able to tell people who find themselves in a situation that is similar to I was in back then that they will get better, but as well as that - I do it for me - not that I believe that if this site closed tomorrow that I would relapse; I wouldn't; I'm not sure why I think it does me good - I just think it does.
You'll look back at this time and think, "What was all that about?" You'll get the fear into perspective - there are brilliant books out there. Your recovery will kind of sneak up on you.
Remember, once you have started on this journey to recovery - it is unstoppable. I wish I could remember where I read that.
I'm off to collect my daughter and little grandaughter - we are planting spring bulbs in the garden today. Three years ago - I was literally incapacitated by back pain.
Enjoy every little step to recovery you make, Jane, think about it, go over it in your mind again later. You can train your mind to be more positive. Having said that - you have identified the irrational fear that has been ruling your life. That and your physical pain is one and the same problem. That's not a little step - it's a major one. Once I had realised that, things slowly, but surely got better.
Very best wishes
Anne
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n/a
560 Posts |
Posted - 10/21/2005 : 05:55:05
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| I recommend "The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment" by Eckhart Tolle. Although Amazon readers did not give it a good rating, in fact it is a simply amazing and insightful book and may help you place some of those fears into perspective. |
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alinnyc
USA
20 Posts |
Posted - 10/21/2005 : 11:43:00
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| Anne I read your reply. That was an amazing post and I believe an inspiration to all of us who struggle with our inner and physical demons. Keep on posting her we all need you. thank you. Amy |
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ladyblue
United Kingdom
50 Posts |
Posted - 10/22/2005 : 05:46:51
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(Amy, I echo your words!)
Hello Anne,
I've just read your return post, I was moved and so very motivated.
There is no doubt in my mind as to the similarity of our journeys and in a very profound way that has been confirmed over the last 24 hours.
Two small, but so very important incidents took place yesterday that tie in so beautifully with your words I read today and when you read them I know you'll understand.
1)Whilst looking in the mirror blow drying my hair I was suddenly and briefly taken back to a time a few years ago that I was looking in the mirror but had no hair at all. It was when I was having Chemotherapy and also one of the hardest things I've endured. But although I felt a wave of sadness associated to that time I also know that today, I'm a different person.
2)Yesterday evening I needed a few bits at the local shop, I looked out of the window and it was dark, extremelly windy and raining hard. I put on coat, boots etc and off I went. I battled against the elements until I was half way up the road and then just stopped, lifted my head and stood still whilst the rain hit my face. Quite simply I felt that I needed to be in that moment, a moment that contained no pain, no fear, no anxiety...I just wanted to "be" and it felt wonderful!
It's as though I was given a glimpse of what will be, what I'm aiming for.
I think what you shared has confirmed that for me.
Our parental situation sounds very similar as well, although for me, I didn't feel guilty.. simply unloveable. I took on a lifetime of trying to please/impress them, actually I did allsorts to try and get a reaction that showed they cared, but the reaction I sought never came. My mother is, to date, the most manipulative and insecure person I've ever met...once I realised that things did become a little easier and I do love her dearly.
It's the second anniversary of my Dad passing away tomorrow so I'm going to sit at the chapel and have a good long chat with him.
Thanks again Anne for sharing and "please" take it from me, the reason you're here shines in everything you write.
All the very best....Jane. |
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ladyblue
United Kingdom
50 Posts |
Posted - 10/22/2005 : 05:49:30
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Peter, many thanks for your book recommendation, I'm heading for Amazon right now.
Best wishes...Jane. |
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Bonnie
Canada
33 Posts |
Posted - 10/23/2005 : 12:27:51
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Hi Jane, Anne, and everyone,
I just had to contribute to this topic. I've been following Dr. Sarno's book since the beginning of the year and it's made an incredible difference in my life, I'm back doing things I never thought I'd be able to do again. What amazes me is the fear I've been living with and how my brain managed to convince me that so many things were bad for me or would make my pain worse, things that any normal person would simply laugh at, like having a cup of tea,[caffiene} or making the bed, or carrying three books to the library instead of only two, or turning over the wrong way in bed or using the wrong pillow [actually I could never find the right one in the first place}.
Now I use any pillow I want, sleep fairly well and carry a stack of books on my hour's walk to the library, garden again and, the one I missed the most, have a lovely pot of tea while I read my paper in the morning.
There are other things that have changed as well but I think most of you know what I mean and have your own lists.
Fear is the biggest contributor to my tension levels, I've known that for a long time and I've been working on it with meditation and relaxation exercises and simply doing it anyway. Some days are harder than others but I keep telling myself the tension and pain are psychological and do those things that help me to remain a fairly normal human being anyway and it's been such a relief to see that it works. I've never been good at social things, even sitting here typing this has my right shoulder and neck in a knot, {how dumb is that} but reaching out and communicating with other people has opened windows and doors in my life.
There is one thing I'm still having a lot of trouble with though and that's dealing with family, my mother especially. I can actually feel the muscles in my neck, head and shoulders start to go numb when she walks into the room. I'm working on that but it's been a long hard slog and I could use some advice on how to block her out effectively.
Anne, I can sympathize with what you said about your mother expecting others to look after her or take care of her, mine is the same way, she's always been that way and she made my father's life hell. He died fairly young and we're left to take care of her. And as she's aged it's gotten so much worse, she seems to think that she now has a good excuse to refuse to do anything for herself including walking a few yards to the post office box.
I can't pretend anymore, I really don't like this woman and I try to keep any contact with her at a minimum but it's hard when you live in the same house, just different floors. She was supposed to move into a posh senior's retirement home but changed her mind at the last minute and decided to stay here, and my brother, who moved in to help take care of her has more health problems than she or I do. They seem to thrive on crisis and go careening from one incident to the next and I just stay up here on the top floor and try to ignore them.
I refuse to play the game but it takes a toll and as I said I don't know how to block family out and stop reacting to them. I've gotten pretty good at ignoring most social fears and I've managed to ease off the health stuff quite a bit but this is a big sticking point and I know there must be a way out of it if I could just find it, and yes I will move out at the first opportunity but there will always be people who need to be dealt with and I really need to learn how to do that.
And as Jane said, I'm very glad you continue on here, Anne, you and so many others here really make a difference to those of us who have just begun or are still working our way through and the knowledge that it can be done and has been done is what guides many of us.
Bonnie. |
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n/a
374 Posts |
Posted - 10/24/2005 : 03:46:56
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Thanks so much for your kind words, everyone. Jane, your description of just having to stop to feel the rain on your face rang a bell with me - it's great when you begin to experience and enjoy things around you as they are happening. I was very lucky to have a little grandaughter to enjoy as I recovered. She is four now and I can honestly say that I learned many things about living in the moment from watching her and doing things along with her. If we were out for a walk and she stopped to look at birds, or whatever, I let her stay as long as she wanted to - in the past I would have just been with her - maybe talking about the birds, but not really engaged with what was going on - my mind was always elsewhere. I didn't even recognise how my mind set impacted on my way of thinking. I had actually to learn to look at things the way I should have learned as a little child.
It's quite something when you realise that your inner demons have lost their power, Amy - at first it is a struggle, but it changes into a journey and you'll find that you are beginning to enjoy the journey.
Bonnie, your post sent shivers down my spine - the caffeine thing, carrying the books - when I think about all the allergies, intolerances I didn't have after all and all the things that I believed would hurt me, but don't, it's crazy - how on earth did people put up with me then?
You actually said the words that I still to this day have difficulty saying, or even thinking - I don't actually like the woman - there - I've said it now.
More shivers when I read about your mother. I don't actually live in the same building, but in the next street - still too close. That's something that I still haven't been able to overcome. I know that my mother is a victim of her own upbringing, but I still feel resentment at having to care for her when she has never felt the need to care for anyone else. I think I'll have to research into books that deal with family relationships - there must be some good stuff out there.
Best wishes, everyone
Anne
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cindy_gail
22 Posts |
Posted - 10/25/2005 : 12:09:11
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I echo Peter's recommendation on Eckhart Tolle and the Power of Now. I have it on CD, along with another 6 cd set he put out on living in the now (can't recall the name), and they constantly remind me that now is all we have. This whole stream of communication has been awesome and very helpful to me. So thank you Lady Blue for bringing everything you did to light.
Cindy |
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The Power of Fear
