| Author |
 Topic  |
|
|
Suz
559 Posts |
 Posted - 10/03/2005 : 11:04:16
|
Hello all,
I have been away from the forum for a while now as I needed to take a break and not even think about TMS. After I broke off my engagement almost 3 months ago, my back pain lifted totally - all gone! It was amazing. I had a lot of emotional suffering but I let myself cry and really feel it. I am convinced that my back pain was caused by the denial I was in that I did not really love my fiance. As the wedding got closer, my pain increased and my anxiety levels.
Two weeks ago, I told my exfiance that it was over for good. I did not need to think any more and never wanted to be with him. This was the hardest thing I have ever done. I felt absolutely devestated for him. He cried his eyes out - literally sobbed for about 20 minutes and called me terrible things. I felt so so guilty afterwards - for being in denial about my feelings and letting things get that far, that I became almost suicidal that night. I thought that I deserved to die based on doing such a horrible thing to someonelse. As I am quite religious, I immediately started praying and the suicidal thoughts left me. I was still very very depressed for a few days.
About a week after, I came down with a very bad flu virus. I spent the last 10 days in bed - really very sick with fevers etc. I think this may be connected to the experience with Jerome. Now I am getting better, my sciatic pain adn back pain has come back - first time in a long time. I am ignoring it as I know it must have something to do with the guilt I still feel. I see Jerome once a week with a group of friends - it is a night I simply cannot miss but it is extremely hard. Jerome looks at me with longing and a person last week told me that it is clear he really loves me. Jerome has lost weight and looks really good and I find myself getting pulled towards him again. I also feel the guilt of leaving him all over again.
Wow - these emotions are insane. Jerome and I have had a very up and down relationship for 3 years - breaking up numerous times.
I guess the pain may be related to the doubts again and especially to guilt. I think that the "goodist" part of the TMS personality contributes alot to the guilt pool and so the TMS pain begins.
It is very cathartic to write this here as it makes me step back and look at the circumstances. This has been a very stressful time. I feel a sense of relief and mixed emotions of sadness and doubt.
I have also begun talking on the phone to a man I really like. I met him a year ago and we got on really well.
Any thoughts from anyone would be very welcome. It is weird to have this pain again |
|
|
Hilary
United Kingdom
191 Posts |
Posted - 10/03/2005 : 12:01:46
|
I think that you have nailed a lot of it Suz. Just don't forget how guilt leads to rage. If you are feeling guilty, a part of you is feeling rage that you've been "put there" by someone else. (Of course you haven't, but that's not how the irrational part of you understands it).
|
 |
|
|
Suz
559 Posts |
Posted - 10/03/2005 : 12:21:30
|
Good point, Hilary. I know I am very angry as I heard myself say that out loud the other night. I am annoyed that I have been sick for 10 days - very annoyed that I have had to go through all this trauma and angry at Jerome for numerous reasons. I have simply had enough of obssessing over his feelings and not thinking of myself. I think I have to sit down and think about this and let myself get angry.
|
|
|
|
Hilary
United Kingdom
191 Posts |
Posted - 10/03/2005 : 13:12:17
|
| And one more point, Suz, bear in mind that it might be that getting to know another man, although wonderful, also brings up feelings of guilt / insecurity / subconscious rage. I'm just speculating but in my experience ANY emotional episode, even the fabulous ones, can trigger deeper, uncomfortable feelings. |
|
|
| |
Topic |
|
|
|
back and sciatic flare up why?
