| Author |
 Topic  |
|
|
Laura
USA
655 Posts |
 Posted - 09/07/2005 : 09:37:48
|
So, I haven't had a good cry in a long, long time. Last night, after a series of events that transpired, I lay on my bed and began to weep like a baby. This went on for hours and hours. Now, this morning it starts all over again. I can't get ahold of myself. Is this normal? Do you think that once you open the flood gates it's hard to "get ahold" of yourself for a few days? My eyes are so swollen and red and the tears just keep coming.
As I was lying on the bed crying last night, I couldn't help but think about all sorts of things that I've been storing up inside of me. I cried about little things, big things, anything. I cried about the fact that I don't feel close to my husband anymore, that the attraction is slowly slipping away, that my life feels like the best of it is over, that I'm sad because my teenage daughters are busy and wrapped up with their friends that I feel like I've "lost" them forever, and that I used to feel like I had so many friends myself and I really don't anymore...It was one big pity party indeed. I didn't sleep well (again) and this morning my neck and upper back are stiff and sore. I feel like I've been beat up. Am I supposed to feel better physically? I feel drained and tired, like all the energy has been sucked out of my body.
Well, I'm going to stay at home this morning and let the tears continue to flow. I'm afraid to go anywhere for fear I'll look like an emotional wreck.
Laura
|
|
|
Michele
249 Posts |
Posted - 09/07/2005 : 10:26:30
|
Oh Laura, seems like you and I are much the same sometimes. I've had bouts of crying like you described, and it is hard physically and emotionally.
Have you taken the time to grieve some of the losses you mentioned? My therapist has mentioned to me how I haven't really "grieved" the loss of so many things - innocence, youth, love, motherhood, etc. I have been trying to do the same. My boys are 15 and 17, working, busy with friends, and I find myself alone most weekends now. It's a strange, and sometimes not so good, feeling. I cherish the quiet, but can't get my mind organized to help myself.
Honestly, I don't know where to start to go through the grieving process. I have only just started to list possible losses so I can start the work.
Just know that you're not alone. |
 |
|
|
JohnD
USA
371 Posts |
Posted - 09/07/2005 : 12:12:44
|
| ANGER....its our friend that can pull us out of prolonged sadness or even self pity and depression.....just try to get angry about anything you can |
|
|
|
JohnD
USA
371 Posts |
Posted - 09/07/2005 : 12:14:01
|
| I actually found this idea in a book called "what you feel you can heal" by john gray |
|
|
|
Laura
USA
655 Posts |
Posted - 09/07/2005 : 13:21:07
|
Thanks, guys. I actually decided to go on a five mile walk and get out of the house a bit. But you're right, I should FEEL all the anger and the sadness and get it out. It's been pent up for so long, it had to start coming out some time. Better to get it out than let it fester inside and cause more damage.
Laura
|
|
|
|
miehnesor
USA
430 Posts |
Posted - 09/07/2005 : 14:59:29
|
Laura- How has this release affected your TMS? My experience is that if I can really feel and have the tears then I get symptom relief.
|
|
|
|
Baseball65
USA
734 Posts |
Posted - 09/07/2005 : 16:57:35
|
Hi Laura.
Everytime my sons' Baseball seasons/school years/stuff we do together comes to an end,I always go through a 'mourning' period...I generally get a small TMS symptom(something mild) and than I remember about how childish all of us are inside,have my week long pity party,and usually end up getting involved in my "own" life again,i.e. Music,MY sports,drawing,writing...whatever.
-piggy
Baseball65 |
|
|
|
leegold
USA
66 Posts |
Posted - 09/07/2005 : 18:52:14
|
I wonder myself how I can have so much pain inside that keeps coming out and when it will ever stop- I just know I get relief for a while after getting the emotions out.
Lee
"A tranquil heart is life to the body, but passion is rottenness to the bones" |
|
|
|
Laura
USA
655 Posts |
Posted - 09/08/2005 : 09:12:18
|
Meihnesor,
I did get a little relief, but maybe not as much as I had hoped. I think that I store things up for so long that when I do cry, it's like the levy breaking in Louisiana - it just keeps coming and coming. However, as much as I did cry, it always feels like there's more. I guess a little relief is better than none.
LeeGold,
I agree - the reservoir of pain is endless!
Baseball,
Thanks. I'm glad to know I'm not alone with that. Sometimes I think I've been so close and so wrapped up in my daughters' lives, that maybe along the way I just got lost. I mean, I keep trying to find my "purpose" and find something that gives me fulfillment inside. I keep thinking to myself "This is why I wanted a third child," i.e. because I knew inevitably my daughters would become teenagers and become independent. I knew I would start feeling an "empty nest" feeling sooner or later (even though they are only 16 and 13 and not out of the house) and that by having a third child I could prolong this feeling. Of course, my husband was done after two and we fought for years about having a third so the resentment runs deep!
You are right though. I need to get busy doing "my thing" whatever that may be. We just bought a piano (a friend was moving and sold it to us for $100) and I'd love to finally learn to play. I could take an art class, and I do love to write. It's not problem for me to fill up the day with things to do. I'm just sensing an enormous loneliness in my heart right now. I used to have so many friends, and it seems that they are all so wrapped up in their own lives and with their other friends that I really don't have many left. The couple I do talk to are extremely busy too and it's hard to get to see them as much as I want to.
Thank you all for your responses. I really appreciate it.
Laura
|
|
|
|
miehnesor
USA
430 Posts |
Posted - 09/08/2005 : 14:11:45
|
Laura- Are you trying to run away from the feeling of aloneness that you are going through right now? Maybe you need to just hang out there and feel for a while. Maybe you should accept your grief and give yourself time to let the feelings flow. Also when you are feeling the sadness try to also feel the anger- it might help the symptoms more.
|
|
|
|
Tunza
New Zealand
198 Posts |
Posted - 09/08/2005 : 15:16:56
|
Hi Laura,
You sound like you have so much to give and although I don't know your personal circumstances I was wondering if you'd ever thought about getting involved in voluntary work? When I had to stop work years ago and decide what I was going to do with my life I got involved with community work.
I have never had children so I can't imagine what an empty nest must feel like but maybe in helping others you could help yourself (feel needed)?
I feel that western society is structured in such a way that it is so easy to become lonely even within a family.
Tunza |
|
|
|
Laura
USA
655 Posts |
Posted - 09/08/2005 : 16:14:33
|
Miehnesor,
Thank you for the suggestions. I am indeed trying to run away from the aloneness right now. For a couple of months now, I've just gone about my business and tried to deny my feelings. I've said things like "I'm alone all the time. But I guess that's okay. I came into the world alone and I'll go out of it alone" or "Who needs friends? I can fill up the space of my day without friends around." But, sadly it all just hit me like a ton of bricks the other day. I honestly have closer relationships to people on this forum (some who I talk to outside of the forum as well) than I do with the people I've known for years and counted as my friends.
They say for a woman, the years of menopause are difficult in this way. The so called experts talk about how we change so much during this time, spiritually, emotionally, physically, and supposedly we grow stronger and more self-assured. I just feel sad. I'm sad that I'm suffering from this dizziness, I'm sad that I don't feel anything when I look at my husband, and I'm sad that my kids are growing up and I don't feel as needed as I used to feel. It's like nature plays this cruel joke on you. I'm angry as hell and I'm more lonely than I've ever been.
I think you are right. I think I do need to "hang out" there for awhile and "feel" the sadness, the loneliness, and the anger. I need to stop denying it and feel it, but sometimes that's the hardest thing to do.
Thank you again for your suggestions. I will give it a try!
Tunza,
I actually have thought of doing volunteer work, many times. I don't know why I haven't looked into it. I guess I don't know where to start, so I don't. At first I had thought about a hospital, perhaps even a childrens' hospital, although that might make me feel even sadder and depressed. I know my daughter needed to do a "mitzvah" (good deed) project for her bat mitzvah and she was going to volunteer at Childrens Hospital but you had to be 16 so she could not. Also, they want someone to commit to a certain amount of hours, and I've got plenty of hours that's for sure! I will call them tomorrow and see what I can do. If I can't help there, I was thinking about volunteering at the local food pantry. I know they are always in need of help. And, if not them then I'm sure I can find some other organization who needs me.
Thank you! Your suggestion was something I needed to hear.
Laura
|
|
|
|
lobstershack
Australia
250 Posts |
Posted - 09/08/2005 : 18:29:29
|
Laura, if I may offer a suggestion: I too had similar feelings, i.e., the aloneness, the waning of friendships, the realization that the guy who once was a social butterfly in every sense of the word was busy spinning a fruitless cocoon of fear and anger (TMS).
You've read my recent post "what a day..." so you have some idea of what's been going on in my life.
I recently revisited Rachael's RSI site, and it offered some simple, albeit sage advice: the answer to TMS is simple, almost too simple, it's all about reclaiming what TMS has taken away from you and getting on with your life.
A bit distraught over my lack of friendships, I recently started reaching out, calling people I hadn't spoken to in quite some time, making dinner and coffee dates, and you know what? Despie the fact that sometimes we feel a bit uneasy being the "one" to initialize the rekindling, we must toss those uneasy thoughts to the wayside, for they are just that, uneasy thoughts. A storyline if you will.
So my suggestion to you, call that person who might be on your mind. Take back your life. Become the Laura that once was--and still is--the life of the party. It's part of your TMS healing, trust me.
Goodnight. My thoughts are with you!
Seth |
|
|
|
Laura
USA
655 Posts |
Posted - 09/09/2005 : 15:10:35
|
Seth,
Thank you for your supportive and helpful words. I am making an effort to move forward with my life and try to cultivate other interests and new friendships. This evening I am invited by my one close friend to go out with her group of friends to dinner. There is a D.J. and dancing where we are going and they intend for the four of us to dance and have some fun. Gosh, what's that? Lately I think I have forgotten how to have fun. I am looking forward to this evening. My husband is encouraging it and wants me to go have a nice time. The other women who are going are very nice and are fun to be around. Who knows, maybe I'll get to know them better and I can call them "friends."
Thank you again, Seth, for your suggestions. I really appreciate your input and I hope you are doing well.
Laura
|
|
|
|
Hilary
United Kingdom
191 Posts |
Posted - 09/10/2005 : 07:24:09
|
Laura, I do hope you feel better soon. that's some major stuff you're dealing with.
I totally agree with the concept of making a point of having some fun and enjoying yourself because that's as healing as anything else. I've realized in the last couple of months that, while thinking about what's making me angry and sad is of course critical in recovering from TMS, it is equally important to balance that work out with stuff that makes me feel good: consciously relaxing, swimming, going out for drinks with friends, thinking optimistically - whatever the hell it is, but doing SOMETHING which just makes me laugh, smile and forget about myself for a while! |
|
|
|
elise8
USA
72 Posts |
Posted - 09/12/2005 : 18:37:52
|
Laura, you feelings are exactly my feelings lately. I have been going through a terribly lonely time recently. I am alone a lot these days. My kids are both gone from the home now, both in college. My life was my kids. We have moved a lot in the past 10 years so I have no real close friends. I am very close to my kids and it is hard to let them go and be independent but I know I must. My husband is all wrapped up in his problems and he suffers from depression bouts that are just horrific. He wants to be alone or just works more and does not communicate.
I have tried so much to help him and he has tried medications, etc. but nothing has worked. It mainly has to do with financial problems. He feels like a failure at 61 with no retirement saved and his business starting to dissapear. I am working so during extra to make ends meet. I have developed such sadness. I cry a lot and it just gives me puffy eyes and headaches. I try to tell myself that I am just lucky to have food and shelter unlike many of the hurricane victims but for some reason it just does not pacify me. I believe hormones play a large part for me as I am 52 and post menopausal.
Also the empty nest syndrome is going on big time. I have such strange health problems now with hyperacusis (sensitivity to sounds), and other issues that I seem to just focus on what is wrong with me physically. I know it must be TMS as my brain is trying to distract me from my symptoms. But I have physical problems and the emotional pain both! I whipped my back pain of 20 years with Sarno's books but the sadness and the problems with my ears and nerves continued. Oh, I do feel your pain Laura. All I can say is just walk, walk, walk. That is what I do and it does help. And maybe try to develop a hobby. I am working on that.
I have the same feelings as you about not feeling as close to my husband and I am not sure what to do about that. Right now I really do not want to bring it up as his depression is so bad. Anyway, just know you are not alone.
My prayers to you,
Elise
Elise8 |
|
|
|
ssjs
USA
147 Posts |
Posted - 09/13/2005 : 05:21:55
|
Laura and Elise,
The many problems that I had and have were very concrete. Trouble in my marrage, a terrible upbringing, with neglectful parents, not knowing what to do with my children, and becoming very mean to them, and a mentally ill sister who was making my life miserable...to add to that, as the years passed, I had a tortuous business, that was mine and mine alone, that was killing me and going downhill fast.
I had pain...gained 40 pounds...was depressed...and made everyone around me join in on my misery.
I am telling you...that as concrete as those problems can be, going to a therapist has solved many, and changed my thought pattern about ALL.
It wasn't magic...it was hard...and I wanted to quit many times. And just when I thought a certain problem couldn't be helped by the therapy...like a miricle (but NOT) my ideas would suddenly be different...and I would handle myself differently...do things differently...and everything would change.
Things that seemed so obvious to me would really be different than I thought. A new perspective would be brought up that had never occured to me...but rang truer than any other...and BOOM.
Most people who do not want to do therapy are really afraid about what they will find out. The others just haven't gotten the right therapist. I did for me. I am very lucky.
My marrage is good...my kids are good...and also about to be out...menopause hasn't been bad (although I do not like getting older!) My business is still tortuous...but thriving.
I have no pain...BUT I STILL HAVE 40 POUNDS TO TAKE OFF!!!
I am not always happy (but often am), but I am not depressed. And when I look down the road, I see good things. And the thought that both kids will be gone SOON (my son is out of college, looking for a job, and my daughter has 2 years of high school to go)I am really happy to get the time to be with my husband and play around a bit!
Yes, I have spent quite a bit of money on my therapist. But in return, she has gotten me to a point where I am happy, and make more and more money in my business, while doing less and less actual work. In my case, there is no question that I would have left my husband without her...and for me...that would have been a tragedy.
I know it is not fair of me to say this...since I may be wrong...I have been wrong before, but personally, I do not think that reading daily affirmations would have accomplished all of this. Maybe some meditation would have helped...but it would have been hard to meditate while I was crying.
We all need to go through the steps we need to go through to get where we are going. But misery is like a snowball, and keeps getting bigger unless we actually do something about it.
Sandy
|
|
|
| |
Topic |
|
|
|
A good cry helps...but how do I stop?
