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Baseball65
USA
734 Posts |
 Posted - 08/03/2005 : 08:14:49
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So.
Trying to understand HOW and WHY I am always at odds with my wife,I've been reading that Dr. John Gray Book "Men are from Mars......" after that last bout of pain(gone) following a resolution of a fight,I thought it might be helpful to figure out WHY I want to run onto the Freeway in an asphalt suit.
One of the absolute BIGGEST and most arguement instigating topics ,of all things is UNSOLICITED HELP.Acoording to him,all men take 'advice' seriously and only ask for it when they NEED it.Our little scenes always happen while I'm driving...haven't had a ticket in a decade...never wrecked a car..nothing...my friends tease me about how safe I am.
Scene: I'm driving my WiFE to the Airport.I have dropped her off and picked her up there 4 times.I worked right next to the Airport for a Month,driving there every day.
...yet she finds it necessary to remind me of EVERY single lane change and turn as if I'm either an IDIOT or INCOMPETENT.Funny,the 'help' she's giving me isn't 'helpful' at all...if I listened to her,we'd really be F**ked....stuff like:
"Make sure and Head west when we get to the 40 east"(very helpful..and wrong)
This is one of the primary sources of Male anger from women according to Dr. Gray,well meaning "advice"that is neither solicited or NEEDED!It implies that the listener is A. Stupid,B. Needy,C. Both.
I used to get angry and Not know why,now I get angry N know why,BUT SHE WON'T or CAN'T SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I recommended that she sit close to the cockpit so she could help the pilot find Phoenix in case he got lost.This shut her up for about 90 seconds.Than I pull into the terminal looking for "American Airlines" looking at every single sign overhead......no such sign.So reaching the end of the terminal,and knowing full well that one can loop back around,I drive out.
"Where are you going???!!"" "What are you doing??!!"
"I'm turning around to go thru the terminal again...either it's not marked,or we missed it "
""YOU must have missed it"
Than after she flags down some Redneck IDIOT skycap,we are informed that American Airlines is in the American EAGLE terminal....what an IDIOT I am!!! There are only like 50 airlines witht the word "America" in them...I should have known!
Anyways...she's left,and now I'm so angry you could cook an Egg on my head. I drove home going about 90 MPH just to do something to even out my Karma..she had the nerve to call me on my cell and ask me if I "Got home alright"
Hmmmmmm.....made it through childhood,high school,college,TMS,Jail,Rehab and a decade in the film business all by my
little self without any help....it's a good thing I have that little help-a-long in my ear 24/7...otherwise I might not have made it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Anyways,,,,,thought I'd vent here first.Now I'm REALLY Jealous of Suz NOT getting married.
Sheeeeeesh take a cab next time...at least HE's getting paid!
....ahhh that feels much better
Thank you
the incompetent,forgetful and everneedy
Baseball65 |
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molomaf
119 Posts |
Posted - 08/03/2005 : 08:55:51
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Baseball,
While I was reading your post, I thought, how about if your wife drives to the airport? Of course, you would have to hold yourself back when she makes the wrong turn but it sounds like it could be something different to try? Sounds like your wife is always being "helpful" so I would let her drive and see how she does!
Michele |
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Fox
USA
496 Posts |
Posted - 08/03/2005 : 09:38:54
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| Let your anger out now. Hitting a heavy bag is best for me. If you have no bag, try the private shouting/flailing arms about thing.....When you're with your wife next time and she gives unwanted advice and gets unfairly critical, be sure not to use sarcasm like the Phoenix pilot thing because, by doing this, you're stooping to her level of harshness and not setting a good example for her and not showing her the unconditional positive regard that she and everyone else in a marriage relationship craves. The only way to address her excessive advising behavior, in my humble opinion, is to tell her directly, in a pleasant tone of voice, that you know what you're doing (say it over and over again as necessary). As for her critical words, tell her you would appreciate it if she wasn't so unnecessarily critical because it's just not helpful to your relationship. |
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Suz
559 Posts |
Posted - 08/03/2005 : 10:21:21
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Go for it - Baseball. Scream it out. Go punch something. This is totally enfuriating. When I feel like this, it is so so important for me to freak out, scream verbally and go crazy.
I am still very very angry after everything I have been through. How dare a man treat me like a meal ticket. It is *#A^*!@!@ disgusting.
I think a good bout of screaming in my car might do the trick.
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miehnesor
USA
430 Posts |
Posted - 08/03/2005 : 12:41:32
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| Baseball- I like the Fox/Suz cocktail for this one. Your wife is a read doosey (sp) |
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art
1903 Posts |
Posted - 08/03/2005 : 13:22:32
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Baseball,
One of the funniest posts I've read in a long time...Boy can I identify. The older I get the more I realize how alike most of us our, both as individuals and as couples.
I once read something by John Updike...I think it was in the last novel in the Rabbit series in which he says something to the effect that for most men, a suitable wife is anyone who falls within some very wide and very basic parameters. So...as long as pretty, friendly, sweet, and sexually compatable (sp?) etc. (not that that's necessarily easy to find)you're all set...And of course the same thing probably holds for women...
So, in essence then, there's millions of people who could just as easily be married to not just someone else, but many, many, many someone elses..
All of which I'm not sure has much to do with baseball's post, except that we're all out there married to very similar people, thinking the same thoughts, fighting the same fights...
I've been there baseball..The key is not to feel attacked I think...They don't do it cause they think we're incompetent, they do it 'cause....well...I'm not sure why they do it...I just know most of 'em do...I've been married a coujple times...and you can sprinkle in a half dozen or so long term deals in amongst those...
I had pretty much the same issues with every one of em... |
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Laura
USA
655 Posts |
Posted - 08/03/2005 : 13:32:05
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Baseball,
I sympathize with you. Perhaps your wife should get together with my husband cuz he does the same stuff to me and I hate it too. I laughed out loud when I read your post - the stuff your wife does is exactly what my husband does. It's annoying as he--. We are already on the brink of divorce - it's just a matter of time. Yesterday we got in a fight about how many times I dialed 411 on my cell phone last month (11). My husband says to me "Do you know it's like a dollar a call?" to which I responded "Yes, and do you know I don't drive with a frickin three inch thick phone book in my car so I can't be looking up numbers whilst I'm driving????" Oh, my God! I HATE driving with my husband in the passenger seat - he does that same b.s. with me. I have uttered those exact same things that you said to him ("I'm 46 years old and somehow I've made it until now without ever getting in an accident. I KNOW how to drive so you don't need to give me instructions.") My husband talks to me like I have the mental capacity of a flea. The thing is, this enrages me so much because I know I'm an intelligent woman.
One of the worst fights we've ever had was when he told me I should go out and get "a real job." I think my head spun around like the Exorcist during that feud. I remember saying something to the effect of "I take care of our daughters 24/7, I clean the house, I write the checks and pay the bills, I do all the grocery shopping, I do all the laundry...You couldn't afford to PAY me for all the jobs I do. I have a REAL job, a--hole!"
Aaahh. Marriage is such fun.
While we were on vacation it was no different. We got in a huge fight on our last night there because my husband was too cheap to buy me one glass of wine in the bar at the hotel. He wanted me to get the bottle of wine I had brought (sometimes I enjoy having a glass while getting ready or while sitting on the balcony), chill it and then cart it down to the lobby (of the freakin Ritz Carlton no less!!!) Now, the two nights we had there were free (long story but it was comped due to bad experience last summer) so we weren't paying the $600 for the ocean front room. Breakfast was comped too. Our total expenses at that hotel came to $26.00. I know money isn't flowing in right now but, for goodness sake, I think we can afford an $11 glass of wine. Then, we sat in the bar arguing for 30 minutes and I asked for the check and left with the glass of wine in my hand. My husband loves to tell me how to do EVERYTHING, even how I should drink my glass of wine. He wants me to SLAM it down (like a shot) and not sip it and enjoy it. That night, as I lay in bed staring at the ceiling of our hotel room, I realized this is NEVER going to work. We are just polar opposites, on everything. It's only a matter of time....
Sorry for the rant. Just had to get it out and your thread was the perfect place.
Enjoy the time away from your wife. My husband is going out of town Friday through Saturday and I'm going to enjoy the break!
Laura
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art
1903 Posts |
Posted - 08/03/2005 : 13:40:47
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| Forgive me for saying so Laura, but he sounds like kind of a jerk. I saw your photo. He's nuts for not treating you better. |
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Baseball65
USA
734 Posts |
Posted - 08/03/2005 : 13:57:29
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| Michelle..I've LET her drive before,and than she asks me where we're going every 100 yards!!!! "Do I turn here?...How far is it??,should I change lanes??"
In Fact,that's probably why she gets so concerned come to think of it....SHE gets lost all the time!
Fox,I know I didn't need to get sarcastic,but whenever I talk about things as they really are,I get the silent treatment...We've been reading this book TOGETHER and she nods her head and "uh huh's" as we read along,but she just can't apply the text to OUR real life.She had the same problem with Sarno...she's heard the tapes and nods and "Uh huh's" but still has chronic hip,neck,leg and shoulder pain.
and ART...I agree wholeheartedly.In fact,that is what this DR. Gray is saying in his book..that the relationships between men and women are guided by the UNIVERSAL mistaken assumption that men and women should treat each other the way they want to be treated....It DOESN'T work!!
Men,according to him,are reverential towards advice.They only go to another Man for advice or help IF THEY WANT IT,and than they listen and use it if possible.Women on the other hand offer unsolicited advice all the time,because that's how they show they care about someone/something...Men say "If it ain't broke,don't fix it",while women think everything can continually be improved.
Hell...one of our jokes at work between my friends and I is going up to another guy who is struggling with a problem and saying :
"Want me to show you how to do that?" or "Oh...doing it the OLD way!"
I wholeheartedly agree with Updike.My wife meets all four of those criteria.....problem is,I don't feel like I'm choosing between her and another woman.I feel like I'm choosing between her and a monastic vow of celibacy.
She KNOWS she pissed me off.She's called 3 times this morning already....funny...I have to dodge her.If I'm honest than we'll be in a long distance fight,and I'm not good at pretending I'm not pissed at someone.If I tell her the truth she'll be angry for me being angry....a lose/lose situation.
Better to hide somewhere
Baseball65 |
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Louise
USA
68 Posts |
Posted - 08/03/2005 : 14:04:32
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OMG, Baseball – you have GOT to become a writer. You absolutely crack me up!
For the other side of the male/female-directions coin, here is a story from my youth. 
I was about 14, an only child, and on a trip to San Francisco with my parents. We took a bus trip out to Muir Woods to see the Redwoods. The bus stopped in Sausalito, and we had the option of taking the bus back to our hotel or taking the ferry across the bay so we could see (but not stop at) Alcatraz Island. Well, my dad decides to take the ferry route, and my mother decides to take the bus ride. I, the overly responsible only child of 2 semi-disfunctional and alcoholic parents, figure that Mom is safe on the bus, but Dad is a fish out of water walking around San Francisco trying to find his way back to the hotel, so I opt for the ferry ride with Dad.
Well, being a travel buff, I’ve already spent a lot of time before the trip perusing the map of SF, and have pretty much figured out the trolley car lines from the hotel (which was on Union Square), to Farmers Market, the Embarcadero, etc. So, I have a pretty good idea of the layout of the city.
So, Dad & I take the ferry across the bay. It drops us off at the Embarcadero. Now, I know that we just take the ferry up California Street & transfer @ Powell Street (as I recall) & when we get to Geary Street, we’re back at the hotel. I explain this to Dad, and we hop on the trolley car, and start heading up the very long steep hill. About 4 blocks up the hill, he panics (because, you know, a 14-year old couldn’t possibly know where the hell she was going in a strange town), and hops off. The thought did cross my mind to let him wander the streets, trying to find the St. Francis Hotel on his own, but ever-responsible me, I jump off too. We then hike (this was the 70’s and I was wearing really high platorm shoes, so it was definitely NOT a fun hike) through Chinatown. I’m keeping track mentally how many blocks up and over we’ve travelled, so I can try to aim us for the Hotel. Dad, mind you, still just doesn’t believe me that I know where I’m going. I keep telling him that we’re heading for Geary Street, and there we shall find the nirvana of Union Square and our air-conditioned hotel. We hike some more, and he stops and asks an old Chinese man where the St. Francis is. He gets a blank look in return. I tell Dad to ask for Union Square. The old guy says “Geeley Stleet”. (I’m not being racist here – the old man had a really strong accent, and that’s what it sounded like!). My midwestern Dad looks dumfounded as the old guy keeps repeating “Geeley Stleet” and pointing up the hill. I practically yelled at my Dad “He said Geary Street – why the hell don’t you believe me that I know where I’m effing going?” So, now, as now some over-14 male stranger had confirmed that I knew where the hotel was located, we continued to hike across SF to the hotel. I managed to deliver us to my now-hysterical mother in one piece, an hour or so later, but my feet toast for the next couple of days. And oh yeah, brat that I am, I never let him forget it! 
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drziggles
USA
292 Posts |
Posted - 08/03/2005 : 14:10:02
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My wife and I have our biggest (and virtually only) fights while driving. If someone could figure out why driving brings out this tendency for criticism and tension in couples, it would be very helpful.
One of my teachers, who is an eminent neurologist, once told me: "Someone asked me how my wife and I have stayed married for so long. Here's the answer: Nothing said in the car counts!"
Words of wisdom... |
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electraglideman
USA
162 Posts |
Posted - 08/03/2005 : 14:35:44
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Good post Baseball,
I'll have to admit that I have the same habit as your wife when I'm riding in the car while my wife is driving. I'm the kind of person who needs to be driving if I'm in the car. I guess its a feeling of not being in control of my environment. Boy does she get pissed. I guess my problem is I "think out loud". The last time it happened we pulled into a parking lot and I pointed out a parking space close to the entrance of the building. She parks the car about a half of a mile away from the entance because she thougt I was trying to tell her where to park. I was just trying to make sure she saw the parking space next to the entrance. I just laughed to my self. The moral of this story is whenever I'm riding in the car with my wife driving, I keep my mouth shut.
Maybe your wife is just "thinking out loud". |
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Albert
USA
210 Posts |
Posted - 08/03/2005 : 17:03:20
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Baseball65:
I know the Anaheim...I mean, LA Angels don't need a left fielder, but here are a few comments from left field.
Did your wife help you find this site so that you could post? If not, I don't know how in the hell you found it. Miracles do happen at times.
Have there been one or two occasions when you did miss a turn. Perhaps she can't let those occasions out of her head.
Perhaps she has an OCD thing that requires her to bug "you." (just kidding) I mean, why do something such as wash your hands over and over, when you can divert your attention from emotional issues by bugging your spouse. How fulfilling. 
Perhaps she feels so comfortable with you that she doesn't realize that she's thinking out loud.
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Baseball65
USA
734 Posts |
Posted - 08/03/2005 : 18:59:25
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quote:
"Someone asked me how my wife and I have stayed married for so long. Here's the answer: Nothing said in the car counts!"
This would make my marriage PERFECT if you threw in "and anything between 10 P.M. and 7 A.M.
All of your insights are priceless.Louise's story is excellent and illuminating,except if that was us I would be Louise and My wife would be your Dad.
I am a Scenic Artist,a Painter,studied design,architecture and engineering for construction,am an award winning songwriter,a guitarist and Bass Player,a vocalist proficient in Harmony,a Biblical scholar and History buff,I've studied cosmology,physics and astrophysics,understand particle/wave duality and have read all 6 Harry Potter Books.I can throw a curveball AND hit one,I have a slider that No one can hit,and I have taught hundreds of kids how to play Baseball.I taught my son how to Jump a curb on a skateboard yesterday.I've read every book Gaureschi ever wrote,most of Steinbeck and all of "Lord of the Rings"....except the poems...I've never lost a game of trivial pursuit.I can hit a coke can dead center from about 30 yards with a 30/30 and 15 yards with a colt .45 peacemaker.I can disassemble and reassemble a catchers mitt in 20 minutes.....and there are approximately 61 Nautical Miles in one degree of latitude...it's really easy...25,000 miles around the globe + or -,Divided by 360 degrees,divided again by 1.14.
It's actually closer to 60 though,because the world isn't a perfect globe,but rather an oblate spheroid compressed by gravitation and rotation....but whose counting???
periodically,someone will notice a combination of one or two of these talents and tell my wife "Gosh....Marc is really smart"
to which she will inevitably reply.."I know...isn't it wild how much stuff he can remember??"
except how to get to the airport......than I'm an Idiot
So.....
God comes down to Adam and says:
"I've found the perfect Mate for you ..!! Her name is WOMAN.........She's the absolute best thing I've ever created!!....She is Loving,caring,Beautiful,Sweet,Funny and wise.....she'll support you in every endeavor,love and respect you always,fulfilling you emotionally,spiritually and physically.No matter what happens to you for good or bad she'll stand beside you ,a partner and companion through thick and thin"
Adam seems elated,but than God remembers:
"Oh...uh.. yeah....if you want her,it's going to cost you your right arm or your left leg"
Adam furrows his brow in thought for a moment.....and asks:
"What can I get for a rib ?"
Baseball65 |
Edited by - Baseball65 on 08/03/2005 19:00:57 |
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Scottydog
United Kingdom
330 Posts |
Posted - 08/05/2005 : 06:27:18
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Why Men Don't Listen and Women Can't Read Maps by Allan and Barbara Pease is a great book on this subjuect.
anne
Scottydog |
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Louise
USA
68 Posts |
Posted - 08/05/2005 : 13:44:52
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OK, I am one woman who not only can read maps and is also a whiz at building stuff from those "put part A in slot B and fasten with screw G" type diagrams. I can also change a tire, if need be.
I am woman, hear me roar! LOL
Baseball - I know that this is off-topic, but what did you think about the latest Harry Potter book? I'm now semi-obsessed with theories about Snape, R.A.B, Horcruxes and all things HP. I've been reading and posting on some of the HP forums, so my TMSHelp forum reading is now taking a back seat to HP! LOL
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Baseball65
USA
734 Posts |
Posted - 08/05/2005 : 14:46:06
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Hi Louise.
SS had to Kill DD.The only way DD would take SS back into the 'fold' after his mistake at the Hogshead was for SS and DD to make an 'unbreakable vow',just as SS did with Narcissa.
DD is an accomplished legilimens himself(all the allusions to Harry feeling like DD could 'see through him")...this explains why SS HATES Harry so much...he's sworn to protect the progeny of his worst rival(Thus the "DON'T CALL ME A COWARD")...he is now paying for his mistakes....and quite bravely.
The reason DD pleaded with him was for him to get it over with before Draco or another did,thus unfocusing Harry's anger.....remember.Harry has to MEAN it when he uses the Avada Kedavra against Voldy.Also,DD would give his own Mortal life to save the soul of ANY student.He was dying from the secret sauce,and SS just expidited it a bit.
DD is DEAD.SS was furious with him for making him have to to that...kill him.SS will be looked at as a coward and traitor,when actually he is quite brave,accomplished and intelligent.
R.A.B. is Regulus...plain and simple.The Locket is safe(I re-read it slowly,and after the stolen goblet episode,grimmauld place is secure and Mundungus can't get back in.)
The Horcruxes are:
1.Voldy's moldy old soul
2.the diary
3.Nagini
4.the ring
5.the locket
6.the cup
7.and...drum roll....THE SCAR.
The AK curse would have made the seventh Horcrux.When Voldy's soul was split,all that was left was a "scar"...central idea to the whole series.(something of Ravenclaws,something of Gryffindors)..Lily was In Ravenclaw!! Harry has to die to kill off voldy(after of course he rounds up his trinkets)...re:DD said that voldy can't feel when one of the horcruxes is destroyed....that explains why in Ootp how voldy needed to be TOLD that that particular Horcrux was feeling him.i.e. Harry seeing from inside of Voldy's head.
The scar was the only "trinket" created by the sixth division.....what else could it be?? Unless JKR shows us some interesting and previously undisclosed stuff at Godrics Hollow,than I think Harry is Toast....not very gratifying after waiting all this time.
Oh well.I was at least glad he finally hooked up with Ginny.I LOVE redheads!!
P.S. I found about 5 new 'mistakes' in the new book...my son was mad at me for not sending in the last batch to Mugglenet and getting my name on the site...I guess I'll send them in this time(other people found them and got their 'recognition')
P.S. I got 'sorted' at that site,and I'm a Ravenclaw
what are you???
Baseball65 |
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Michele
249 Posts |
Posted - 08/05/2005 : 16:07:13
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quote:
Originally posted by Laura
That night, as I lay in bed staring at the ceiling of our hotel room, I realized this is NEVER going to work. We are just polar opposites, on everything. It's only a matter of time....
Hey Laura, I have had many a night like that lately. I don't post as much as I used to, but I read alot. My husband and I are currently seeing my regular therapist and I told him this is it, this is the last therapist. He's listening, but he's not hearing anything. As for me, this therapist has been the best thing that has happened to me in years. If divorce is in my future, then so be it. But I will not let myself be emotionally and verbally abused any longer. Tough work, but at least the TMS is staying away! |
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Louise
USA
68 Posts |
Posted - 08/05/2005 : 20:48:55
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Baseball -
I sent my Harry Potter theories to your home e-mail address. We don't want to have Dave scolding us (and he's so scary, you know! ) for chatting about off-topic stuff.
Although, I've got to say that thinking about things HP has provided me with a great distraction to TMS pain. I can bop along, formulating Half-Blood Prince theories in my head, and never think about what's going on with my body.  |
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RAGE with a capital W...for all the guys out there
