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molomaf
119 Posts |
 Posted - 07/28/2005 : 19:33:09
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I hope I can get some input. I am going to a wedding out of state in a few weeks. I will be seeing MANY people(family) there that never bothered to write, call or send a card after my surgery in January. I feel a lot of hostility towards them but don't want to say anything nasty as this is a wedding. It is my brother's daughter's wedding and he was the only sibling that came to see me and the only one who called me on a continual basis. I certainly don't want to cause a scene but as I said, I do feel angry. I know there will be those who I never heard from who will come up to me and ask how I am and I would like to know how I should reply. I don't want any TMS over this!
TIA
Michele |
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Jim1999
USA
210 Posts |
Posted - 07/28/2005 : 20:54:36
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Michele,
How about e-mailing or writing letters to these people ahead of time? You could give a brief summary of how your surgery went. Then you could say something like, "By the way, I was very disappointed that you never wrote me after my surgery. It was a difficult time and I could have really used your support." Hopefully, this would get the issue out of the way before the wedding.
Jim |
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mala
Hong Kong
774 Posts |
Posted - 07/29/2005 : 03:17:52
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Yes, one way to do it would be to email ahead like Jim says but then some people may bring it up during the wedding and you would have no choice but to deal with it then which may or may not be appropriate.
I can understand your hostility towards them but I don't think your niece's wedding is the right place or time to be dealing with your feelings. Why haven't you done something about this before?
It wouldn't be fair on your brother who was the only one who supported you during your surgery nor on his child. Remember it is an important day for the both of them and they need your support too. I'm sure you would never forgive yourself if there was a scene.
Maybe you could stay a few extra days and deal with the issue once the wedding is out of the way. That way you can gauge the situation and act accordingly.
Good Luck & Good Health
Mala |
Edited by - mala on 07/29/2005 03:19:14 |
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marytabby
USA
545 Posts |
Posted - 07/29/2005 : 05:40:23
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Michele,
For what it's worth, I wouldn't even say anything. Why bother? Not to say you should stuff your emotions, because that in itself can bring on TMS. But since it's your brother who was the only one who supported you, and it's his daughter's wedding, remember, you are attending out of respect for him and his family and therefore they're the only folks you need to discuss it with. If anyone asks how the surgery went, just reply "fine, my brother was a great support to me during that difficult time. Thank God I had him to lean on."
When I was going through a difficult time with a sick family member, no one at work did anything to help me. Not one person stepped up to offer help or start a collection, the way they would when someone was pregnant or getting married, but everyone wanted know "how it was going." After a while I just accepted their selfish behavior and when they would ask I would just reply "fine, thanks for asking." That way you're not being rude, you're answering the question, but you are not giving them any more info than they deserve to know. Just my two cents, since you asked. |
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molomaf
119 Posts |
Posted - 07/29/2005 : 06:30:52
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Just curious. Do you think that there is something about someone getting sick or needing surgery that makes people back off? I, being a goodist, would not do that but there were SO many family members that never contacted me. It wasn't just a few.
Mala, I'm not sure how I would have dealt with this issue before. I certainly don't want to do anything to spoil the wedding. But people will come up to me, and ask me how I am. I would like to get across the point that I am pissed but in a non-agressive way.
But Mary, you had a good point. They don't deserve an answer to their question. I think that may be the way to go. I'll just say, "fine, thanks for asking" and that's it.
Thanks, Jim, Mala and Mary for your input! |
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Baseball65
USA
734 Posts |
Posted - 07/29/2005 : 10:07:55
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Hi
Most people who ask "How are you" or "How're you doing" really don't want the answer anyways...except for close friends.
Being hurt about being ignored/abandoned is a perfectly normal way to feel.Answering their questions truthfully is actually only setting yourself up for more awkward moments.They didn't care then ,and they don't care now.It's a painful reality,but that's when we find out who are real friends are.
Is the glass half empty or half full? I'd say that you are immensely fortunate to have even ONE sibling who cares and was concerned...you're 1000% ahead of most people who have No one.
I'd make sure and journal about how much you dislike those people so you're good and clear on your anger/resentment before the wedding...than ignore them and perhaps write again after the wedding.
Family functions would be so much funner if all of our relatives didn't show up at them!
peace
Baseball65 |
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Suz
559 Posts |
Posted - 07/29/2005 : 11:35:59
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Molomaf,
My take on it - don't even think about saying anything. Your motive is to make them suffer as they have made you. It can only end in tears. I find that if I have a motive of revenge, I get more hurt in the long run and always regret it. It is a wedding and time to put your lovely brother before yourself. I know this sounds harsh and I really feel for your lack of support.
This must have been painful for you and I think writing it out, getting really angry and feeling it might be important to do on your own or with a trusted person (I don't know if you are working with a therapist)
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molomaf
119 Posts |
Posted - 07/29/2005 : 13:46:12
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I don't want revenge. (Well, ok I think about all the gifts I will not be sending in the future!) I just don't want to feel uncomfortable around people pretending to care about me. I know that if they did care, they would have called or at least sent a card. The fact is that they didn't and I don't want to have to talk with them at all but the reality of the situation is that one or more of these people will come over to me and ask me how I am and I just want to know what to say. I don't want to and have no desire to ruin the wedding. I just know that it will be uncomfortable for me and just "ignoring" WOULD be starting something. I am just looking for the words to say to end the conversation.
For example, niece A comes over to my table and says, "How are you doing Aunt Michele"? I would say ________________________? How could I say nothing? By ignoring what she just said, would be impossible. I can't keep keep my back turned away from everyone all evening. So ignoring isn't realistic in this situation.
I think what Mary said is what I am going to do. Just say, fine, thank you and leave it like that.
I honestly don't want revenge. I just don't understand how so many people can be so unfeeling. I was in a wheelchair for over 2 months. So you bet I felt hurt. I have hashed this out with my aunt and my husband. But as a therapist once told me in reference to my siblings and my mother, people don't change their stripes. You cannot expect anything different than what they have shown in the past. And that's the truth!
Thanks everyone.
Michele |
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Allan
USA
226 Posts |
Posted - 07/30/2005 : 17:18:44
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Michele.
I agree with Maryalma8 and Suz.
My guess is that there has been an error of omission rather that an error of commission on their part. They probably had no idea what you went through.
Try not to feel hurt. Most people do not knowingly do the wrong thing. There appears to be no overt attempt to hurt you. My guess is that they have no idea that their lack of interest, or lack of knowledge, has hurt you. I would be surprised if any of them realized that you were in a wheel chair. Be prepared to hear astonishment at your ordeal. "I had no idea, etc." Give them the benefit of the doubt.
Be thankful that you can walk again.
Put on a happy face at the wedding. Have a good time.
Allan.
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Laura
USA
655 Posts |
Posted - 08/02/2005 : 19:55:38
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Michelle,
I agree with what Mary said. I think you should put a big, happy smile on your face and say "I'm doing just fine. Thank God I had my brother to lean on. He was such a big help." Believe me, that will make the point without getting into it. If you handle them this way, you won't be giving your power over to them. The ones who knew about the surgery and know that they weren't there for you will feel guilty and the ones who didn't care still won't care.
Good luck and hope it goes well.
Laura
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almost there
109 Posts |
Posted - 08/02/2005 : 20:43:21
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Michelle,
Perfect answer from Laura!
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molomaf
119 Posts |
Posted - 08/03/2005 : 07:12:46
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I thank everyone for their posts. Just to clear something up, my older brother was more supportive than my two other siblings which was about nil. I didn't lean on my brother. It was my husband, my mother's sister and a good friend who were there for me. My older brother is a good guy and I appreciate that he called often.
I will say as little as possible at the wedding to not appear rude. I have no intention to do anything that will spoil the wedding. The reason for my post was to be able to deal with these relatives who didn't contact me in a way that I don't appear rude but I am still comfortable.
Michele
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dilemma
