| Author |
 Topic  |
|
Laura
USA
655 Posts |
 Posted - 07/26/2005 : 15:05:15
|
Okay, Baseball, that is really sad. You need to pursue a writing career because you are an amazing writer. It's so sad when someone has a dream and they are never able to realize that dream or it is squashed by something or someone else. Wow! What a story.
Suz,
This guy sounds like the type of "anchor" that Baseball refers to. My opinion is that you need to lose him, as soon as possible. Let me tell you another little story. My husband's sister met a guy and fell madly in love with him. His dream was to become a musician and to make it big. He wanted to write a hit song and spent a small fortune on instruments and equipment for recording, etc. He didn't go to a regular job and he had no money coming in so my sister-in-law was forced to support the two of them, which is gladly did. After awhile this started getting really old but she hung in there. Then, it happened. She got pregnant. He was furious with her and didn't speak to her for days and days. He didn't want a child, he told her (information he should have shared BEFORE having unprotected sex) and was angry at her. They had the baby (my niece) and he fell madly in love with his new daughter. He insisted they name the daughter Zoe because HE liked that name (she didn't but he sold her on it anyway). Everything had to be done his way, never hers. Every day, she got up and went to work and he stayed home with the kid and worked on his music. My sister-in-law grew resentful because she had always dreamed of being a Mom and being able to stay at home and raise her own child. But since her husband couldn't support them it was upto her to be the sole bread winner. Eventually, my sister-in-law wanted another child but he was adamantly against that. He told her it wouldn't "be fair to Zoe" and that he couldn't love another child as much as he loved Zoe. My sister-in-law was devastated. She had no say in the number of kids they would have, she had no say in whether or not she could stay at home, she had no say in anything. She grew very resentful and they finally divorced, with a judge ruling that she needed to pay her ex child support so that "when Zoe is at her Dad's house she can enjoy the same luxuries that she enjoys at her mother's." Also, she was ordred by the courts to pay child support because she is the bread winner and has been since day one. My sister-in-law angrily pays him child support every month and resents the heck out of it. Her ex now has a very well paying job writing music for a popular reality t.v. show. When push came to shove, he was able to pull his weight and start earning some money.
I'm telling you, Suz, all the warning lights are going off - you just need to pay attention to them and listen to them. This guy sounds like he's got it all worked out and could care less about any of your opinions on anything. He expects you to go to work like a good wife, have his children, home school them AND have his mother be their nanny. You know this is all wrong - that's why you are questioning it. Trust the voice inside of you. It's screaming at you right now!
Good luck.
Laura
|
 |
|
|
Suz
559 Posts |
Posted - 07/26/2005 : 16:02:22
|
Thank you, Laura for your input.
I feel like I have painted such a bad picture of this man. There are some good traits to this man - he is trying to build a career and goes to work every day for 10 hours. He works at New York life and it is all sales - commission based so he said it takes a long time to build up a really good book of business. He does not agree with my idea of home schooling as it means I would not be able to work. He wants them to go to public school. I have not made my final decision on the education as I woudl not be averse to good catholic schooling. We do share a love of the catholic faith - although i am more conservative than him. I think that is what brought us together. There is no doubt that he is thinking that I would be a strong money provider in the marriage. My problem is that he is so immature. It really annoys me that he wears shorts and flipflops to church (noone else does) and he refuses to change for me.
It is amazing how I seem to have changed my opinion of him over the last few days - so dramatically. It all just came over me like a massive light going on. It is so weird. I am really thinking and listening to all my frustrations now.
I think I was caught up in all the marriage preparations etc. I will say that I often look at him and think he is not that attractive - his hand sort of gross me out. (I know - this is pretty ridiculous and shallow). I feel like he is getting a lot with me and I am not getting much in return.
I think I need to really sit and think about all of this and this time GO WITH MY GUT |
|
|
|
Suz
559 Posts |
Posted - 07/26/2005 : 21:07:54
|
| I don't know, everyone. I saw my fiance this evening and I am so so sad - I am totally devestated. I am so confused. When I see him, I miss him so much. I tried to have a conversation one on one with him later on the phone (we were with a bunch of people and didn't even say hello to each other) and the phone call just got nasty and weird. He said he is angry at himself and at me. I kept thinking of what my mother said - that she thought he was totally wrong for me etc. etc. I really didn't want to hear that as I really do have feelings for him. I just don't know what to think - I don't seem to have my own thoughts but keep hearing everyone elses. I think I need time to decompress and figure out what to do. Maybe I shouldn't worry about money so much and have faith that everything will work itself out. My fiance said that he would definitely love to have me not work and be at home but he doesn't know how that could happen. I don't believe that we should wait to have children at the beginning of the marriage where as he thinks we should wait for at least a year. I think that the whole point of marriage is to have children. AAAgh - I don't really know what to think any more. I am so frightened that this relationship is over - I don't think I have experienced this much confusion and fear in a long time. |
|
|
|
NLK
USA
17 Posts |
Posted - 07/27/2005 : 07:10:20
|
Suz, you're breaking a long-standing habit... that takes time! Give yourself a break.
One of the best descriptions I've heard of a REAL MAN who is ready for marriage is that he'd "swim through shark-infested water to bring you a lemonade." Your boyfriend (emphasis on BOY) is not a man. He's a child who's been coddled wayyyy too long and given everything he wants without any responsibility.
Just take this day by day - not expecting him to change and suddenly become the man you deserve. Take it day by day, feeling what there is to feel and learning to be on your own. You've discovered the key to what was causing all your pain, so CELEBRATE that wonderful breakthrough! You are whole and complete just as you are... you don't need this guy and he's not healthy for you.
Go easy on yourself... you have much to work through and unlimited potential happiness to look foward to!  |
|
|
|
ssjs
USA
147 Posts |
Posted - 07/27/2005 : 09:53:35
|
My therapist once said to me "you can't change something by doing things the same way.
While I do not believe that people usually change on their own...I do believe that people can change based on other peoples reaction to them....If they want to... My guess is that you will always feel the same way you do now...he will always feel the same way he does now....and anyway...He probably doesn't want to change.He is too comfortable.
And in that case he will continue to want no compromise...and you will continue to search for a compromise that is unsatisfactory to you and will cause you to have pain all your life...because you ARE in pain.
I woked in a beauty salon of old women...and although people like to talk about how in the old days people were able to stick it out...I never saw a more miserable bunch of unhappy women in all sorts of pain. Wasted, sad, miserable lives. At the time, I thought that the pain came first...but now I know the truth.
They spent their lives serving out a sentence that wasn't what they really wanted. They were in a life someone else wanted.
Of course, I saw many happy women too! And it wasn't because they were single! It was because they had been true to themselves and were strong enough to get the kind of lives they deserved.
Give yourself what you deserve!
Sandy |
|
|
|
Suz
559 Posts |
Posted - 07/27/2005 : 11:58:28
|
| thanks sandy. I am not sure which way he will go. He just called me this morning and said he will do anything to make this work. He said he loves me and doesn't want to lose me. Words are cheap - I have to see a lot of action to consider going ahead with this. I feel a great sense of confidence this morning that I deserve a lot more than I am getting with him. If the change is impossible -then so be it. I move on. |
|
|
|
Suz
559 Posts |
Posted - 07/27/2005 : 14:58:48
|
| ok. now my fiance is calling me every hour. I think he is freaked out that he is going to lose me. I just don't feel like talking to him and I am not going to bale him out lightly on any of this. Next time he calls, I am going to tell him that I don't feel like talking to him at the moment after everything that has happened and I will get back to him when I feel like it. I just don't care for him right now and I am standing my ground. |
|
|
|
Dave
USA
1864 Posts |
Posted - 07/27/2005 : 15:14:41
|
Take your own advice. Give yourselves a break. Tell him you do not want to talk to him for a minimum of 2 weeks (or go for a month if you're up for it).
One thing I've learned in life ... don't count on people to change. You must accept your spouse for who they are, unconditionally.
Based on your posts here (and your body's communication with you) I think your mind is pretty well made up. Trust yourself. Don't put others' feelings above your own. |
|
|
|
Michele
249 Posts |
Posted - 07/27/2005 : 16:11:40
|
quote:
Originally posted by Suz
Maybe I shouldn't worry about money so much and have faith that everything will work itself out.
My fiance said that he would definitely love to have me not work and be at home but he doesn't know how that could happen.
I don't believe that we should wait to have children at the beginning of the marriage where as he thinks we should wait for at least a year.
I think that the whole point of marriage is to have children.
I don't really know what to think any more. I am so frightened that this relationship is over - I don't think I have experienced this much confusion and fear in a long time.
Suz, from reading all these posts, it is clear the relationship won't change from what it is now. He also sounds like a smooth talker. I highlighted the above sentence because if you are getting married to have children, then you definitely shouldn't get married.
The best book I ever read was "The Road Less Traveled" by M. Scott Peck. Maybe while you are taking a breather you could pick it up. Dr. Peck opened my eyes to what love really is, and also about marriage.
Unfortunately, I read the book AFTER I had been married for several years. If I had listened to my inner voice and my gut 25 years ago, I would not have married my husband. Now 25 years later, I am too scared to move on. We are in counseling with a wonderful therapist, who has helped me personally. I have to at least give it one last shot.
I, too, think my husband has beautiful characteristics about him and love him dearly. He's an amazing father. As a husband, he sucks. LOL! But, I was "comfortable" in the relationship because it was all I knew. I wanted attention, he gave it to me. No one ever listened to me, and neither did he. People violated my physical and emotional boundaries all my life, and he does too, or at least tries since I've tried to put a stop to it. Over the past 10-15 years I have done alot of soul searching, finding my true self, and all it's done is p*ss him off. He wants me the way I was in 1980! Oh my gosh, that's the LAST person I want to be!
Be true to YOURSELF Suz. If it doesn't FEEL good, then it probably isn't good. |
|
|
|
Suz
559 Posts |
Posted - 07/28/2005 : 16:20:54
|
Michele,
As a catholic, that is part of my faith. Children are a huge reason for marriage - of course, you have to have love first! I think I was so desperate to have a family and be married that I rushed in regardless of our problems.
Suz |
|
|
|
Topic |
|
|
|
Massive breakthrough
