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Suz
559 Posts |
 Posted - 07/10/2005 : 17:12:15
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This is nuts - my upper back spasms are continuing. This is a new location for me - ever since I took a few weeks off from seeing the psychologist and my Mum came at the same time - I developed this new locatin - the only one now. At night time, my uppper middle back spasms all night - I wake up every couple of hours. It is excruciatingly painful. I am reading Sarno's Healing Back Pain every day, thinking of all the things that bother me - which I really think I know - impending marriage, financial worries, stress at work, perfectionism about losing weight for the wedding - and most of all, I have studied every week with the psychologist about my awful relationship I have with my mother - how I have never been mothered and have been the parent my whole life.
I know all these things. I cry and yell every week with the psychologist. Why won't my mind stop using my body? I am absolutely fed up with this ridiculous condition. The fact that I am doing this to myself makes me so angry. It all seems such a waste of energy. I get so tired from the pain - and I am actually doing this to myself.
I just feel like screaming with frustration.
I have had enough. I have a feeling right now that it will never go. I have had the TMS pain for 12 years and have been working with Sarno's theory for a year. I have been seeing the psychologist for 3 months - how much longer. What on earth is the matter with my brain? |
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art
1903 Posts |
Posted - 07/10/2005 : 18:15:15
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Hey Suz,
Sorry for your hard time. You know what? I think you're just trying so hard, so full of stress and anxiety..And sounds like, in typical TMS fashion, you're somehow blaming yourself for not feeling better...It's creating this huge vicious negative cycle.
I'm betting if you could just relax a bit...remind yourself that the pain can't hurt you. Laugh at it if you can...Maybe some meditation? Some exercise when your back lets up a bit (biking is back friendly)?
Anything to let up on yourself some. |
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Suz
559 Posts |
Posted - 07/10/2005 : 19:03:17
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Art,
You hit the nail on the head! I am freaking out! I have definitely been blaming myself for having this new pain and I need to take a step back and relax. I guess that is part of my perfectionist streak - to have to get everything right. I am doing my regular exercise routine which is wonderful - I work out with weights and do aerobic five days a week - more than I have ever done in my life! It is just night time that is hard.
Thanks for this reminder to relax1
S |
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art
1903 Posts |
Posted - 07/11/2005 : 00:23:02
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I'm glad I could help a little.
Good thoughts to you,
A. |
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Dave
USA
1864 Posts |
Posted - 07/11/2005 : 08:31:31
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Your mother being around is most likely a trigger. For me, once I discovered through psychotherapy that my relationship with my parents was flawed, I have anxiety around them. Part of me feels guilty for not trying harder to build a closer relationship now, even though I know it is not really possible. Part of me feels phony for putting on a smile for my parents despite the terrible things they did to me while trying to dissuade me from marrying outside my race/religion. Part of me still falls victim to the same pressures I put on myself as a result of spending my childhood trying to gain their recognition and support. Part of me feels guilty for having these feelings in the first place, because deep down I do love them a lot.
Your mother still has control over you, and that likely makes you feel that you don't have control over your own life. TMS symptoms often stem from a feeling of lack of control over your life.
All you can do in these situations is journal and try your best to feel the emotions that you are writing about. |
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Suz
559 Posts |
Posted - 07/11/2005 : 09:09:11
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Dave,
You are describing my relationship with my family also. I know there is no possibility for a real connection with them and I really don't want to bother any more - I do feel guilty for that. Especially since my sister has such a good one with my mother. My brother and sister defend her continually despite the awful things she says. I am considered "different" because I don't buy into her disgraceful thinking. I also feel totally phony around my parents as I really don't like either of them very much. I often compromise myself and say things that I know they will like to hear but I don't believe myself. Basically, all interaction with them causes stress and anxiety for me. Pschotherapy has been incredibly helpful to uncover this. I am very comfortable now with my decision to get therapy.
I do not journal - maybe I should start and try and sit in the feelings. I tend to save that for an hour each week in therapy. I also often sit in the evening at home and think about my feelings. |
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Albert
USA
210 Posts |
Posted - 07/11/2005 : 10:32:29
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Suz:
Here's another possible perspective. Because I don't know what your religious/spiritual beliefs are I don't know how much it'll mean to you. Please consider it to whatever degree you consider appropriate.
Ultimately we don't come from our parents. The bodies they make use of have enabled them to take part in creating the bodies we make use of. Our spiritual essence/Soul comes from somewhere else. Therefore, even though you feel the need to be a decent person and come up with a way of making your relationship with your mother harmonious, perhaps ultimately you don't need to.
The main thing is that you make your Soul happy and make an honest effort to do what you can, and if your mom doesn't do her part, it isn't your fault. Don't put pressure on yourself to completely control a situation that you don't have complete control of.
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Suz
559 Posts |
Posted - 07/11/2005 : 11:20:02
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Albert,
Thank you for reminding me of this. I am actually very religious so this makes perfect sense to me. I forget how in reality I don't have control over anything except my own choices and actions. (with those I need as much grace as possible to do the right thing!) It is true that I cannot make my mother behave in any specific way - and I don't have to. I don't really need that relationship in order to be happy. Thank you for this reminder - sort of takes the stress off! I feel very blessed to have a deep faith. It makes the tough times easier. I spent most of my life with no religious beliefs until a rough divorce made me start searching for other answers in life. |
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n/a
560 Posts |
Posted - 07/11/2005 : 13:18:01
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| It's not your fault Suz. Please don't blame yourself. |
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yowire
USA
70 Posts |
Posted - 07/11/2005 : 14:37:48
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Hi Suz,
I feel journaling is essential. When you see your psychologist, you probably deal with the bigger issues, but the small things can add up too. This is where journalling can be extremely beneficial in removing stress. The common daily pressures and aggravations can add to your reservoir of rage and you must have an outlet or they can feed your symptoms. Journalling works because you get the feelings out of your mind and on to the paper, all the while searching for the deeper emotions.
There are studies that show an increase in immune function in those who have journalled about stressful events. The effect is real. As Dave has pointed out, TMS most probably can attack immune function. Considering that stress feeds the TMS monster, journalling probably strengthens the immune system by reducing the stress that feeds TMS.
The effect should work for your back spasms also.
You had asked in your post "What on earth is the matter with my brain" Actually, it is responding normally to the pressures you are under right now. This is not your fault. As Dr. Sarno has pointed out, blaming yourself for TMS is like blaming yourself for your height or eye color. It is how the brain has been designed to function.
Yowire
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Dave
USA
1864 Posts |
Posted - 07/11/2005 : 16:31:17
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I agree about journaling. You are using different pathways in your brain to put things down in writing, and then when you read them back. Anything we can do to get through to our brain helps.
Whenever I am aware of symptoms I always sit down and write at least a few paragraphs. It is important to treat the journal as a totally private and totally open communication with yourself. |
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Stryder
686 Posts |
Posted - 07/11/2005 : 17:13:41
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quote:
Originally posted by PeterMcKay
It's not your fault Suz. Please don't blame yourself.
Hi Suz,
This is very good advice from PeterMcKay. Remember, it's not your fault that your brain is acting this way. TMS - you didn't ask for this, so you need to stop blaming yourself. It took me a couple years to stop this way of thinking myself. Once you let go of this blame you can start to get better. Also, recovery is not on any sort of timetable, so just do the work. It's not your fault.
Take care, -Stryder |
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miehnesor
USA
430 Posts |
Posted - 07/11/2005 : 17:14:10
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quote:
Originally posted by Dave
I agree about journaling. You are using different pathways in your brain to put things down in writing, and then when you read them back. Anything we can do to get through to our brain helps.
Whenever I am aware of symptoms I always sit down and write at least a few paragraphs. It is important to treat the journal as a totally private and totally open communication with yourself.
Suz- It does seem like your mum is a good source of repressed rage for you. While journaling try and put down words to the child within you just how angry you are at your mom. Try and feel the anger as much as you can. If you feel it let it out as hard and as out of control as you possibly can. See if that modulates your symptoms at all. |
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Suz
559 Posts |
Posted - 07/12/2005 : 11:55:36
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Well - the pain has gone. YEAH! I stopped giving it any power at all.I am finding that laughing at it is the best method - also reading everyone's posts and talking to my brain constantly. I have had a little sciatic pain - especially after the gym - I increased the weights I was lifting in response to the pain and laughed at myself. i now appear to be having some digestion problems! This is ridiculous. I am going to take the same approach with this.
Thank you to all of you for getting me through this terrible time. |
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Topic |
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Back spasms persist
