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Wavy Soul
USA
779 Posts |
 Posted - 04/04/2012 : 18:20:42
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I just got this in the email: please do read it - it's exactly on point for family of origin issues:
You Have to Let Them Drown
You're enjoying the perfect stroll along the beach: the crunch of sand between your toes, the lapping waves, the glorious sun on your face. You notice the wind caressing your hair -- suddenly your hear cries for help! -- the agony of a fellow being beginning to drown. Your impulse is to heroically swim out, drag the person to shore, provide mouth-to-mouth resuscitation and thereby save their life.
Have you heard about this? That's the exact thing you must not do. Unless you're a trained lifeguard and know exactly how to help, you can't go in the water. A drowning person, in their panic, will pull you under in an attempt to save themselves, and there will be two drowned persons instead of one. It's a nasty fact, but if you want to save a life, the only thing you can do is summon help.
Even if it's a family member, you can't go in unless you've received training in saving lives. Standing on the shore, knowing you can't help: heartbreaking. Choosing to save your own life rather than two people dying: excruciatingly painful.
"Dan" is a patient of mine who has reached a certain degree of success with his acting. He has all the talent, looks, and charisma needed, but lacks the persistence to complete the daily tasks to further his career. In therapy, we've been examining his close bond with his family back in the Midwest who are uniformly depressed, unhappy with their lives, and lack the will to change. There are unwritten rules that family members are not supposed to become too successful, or stray too far from unhappiness. In other words, Dan is being sucked down and is drowning along with them.
Dan and I have been talking about how he needs to "let his parents drown." He's not trained in lifesaving. If he wants, he can go back to school, study psychotherapy or social work, and change his profession to become a "trained lifeguard." But even those of us who are, aren't effective working with our own families.
Although it is painful to stand on the shore and realize someone you love is drowning and you cannot save them, it is a decision you must make in order that your own life be saved. Certainly you can try to summon help by pointing them to therapy, but they may not choose to go. It's essential that at least one life be saved. It's time for you to become free and save yourself.
© 2011 Catherine Auman
Love is the answer, whatever the question |
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andy64tms
USA
589 Posts |
Posted - 04/04/2012 : 21:54:39
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Wavy Soul,
What a great article by Catherine Auman, I didn’t know there were people who had the courage to write this sort of thing. Thanks for posting it.
I just read the email on “Let them drown”, and it struck me on being exactly what I wanted and needed to read at this point in time. Without going into details I can say “My poisonous family”, and that says it all. This is even with both parents being deceased. You see my brother and sister carry on the dysfunction tradition with ever increasing skill. For convenience I classify them all as the same person, sad isn’t it?
At the age of 65 I’m left with feelings of guilt, remorse, anger and internal rage and inadequacy to this day. I say: “I don’t know why” to my wife when she asks, I need help! This is why I’m here, and I know I will get better.
I am also visiting from another thread, and thought I would join you over here, and let my feminine side speak. I’m well qualified since I am an English man living in the United States, and about to have two babies. Well not really! My two daughter-in-laws are due this May and August, and the forecast is two granddaughters, so I’ll have four granddaughters and one grandson. I ask myself how can this have happened with me being so young, where did my life go? Well young at heart anyway.
My English wife takes it all in her stride, and just knits away making baby blankets and jackets. She is in seventh heaven, and I am quite proud.
Another reason for being here is that there is too much turmoil and pontificating going on among the men on the “‘Length of TMS in one’s life” thread. I know everyone is entitled to their say, but some of the opinions have upset my basic beliefs in TMS theories to the point where I wanted to leave the forum all together, they got me very confused. I wouldn’t be surprised if we see a recent new member Colin (cnotes11) run off for good. I’m not used to participating in forums, but it reminds me of those awful non-productive meetings I had to attend at work. Does this happen often on a forum?
Once again thank you Wavy Soul, Hi Mala, and good luck with the baby ozagnes. Good thread Joy I am, thanks for starting it.
Andy
Past TMS Experience in 2000, with success.
Now on Day 11 Wiki Edu.
Charlie horse on neck for 20 years. (to be evicted soon.)
Books: Healing Back Pain
& Unlearn your Pain |
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Erata
63 Posts |
Posted - 04/05/2012 : 09:46:17
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Coming in late to this thread, one I really relate to. (I also wondered when it would be ‘my turn’.)
My experience with my toxic family was that if they came to me for any ‘help’ or advice, they weren’t really interested in solving the latest crisis. It was really all about drama and attention and if I responded with honest & genuine feedback, I became the new enemy. It was a black hole and I had to learn not to get sucked in; I had to stop participating, even though I still cared.
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Joy_I_Am
United Kingdom
138 Posts |
Posted - 04/05/2012 : 10:40:44
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Gosh, Wavy, this:
> There are unwritten rules that family members are not supposed to become too successful, or stray too far from unhappiness.<
...really resonated with me! I hadn't even realised this was a rule with my family, but it explains their discomfort and almost pained response whenever I had any success in the past - I'd be left thinking 'What have I done wrong? Wasn't that a good thing?' (I've learnt since those days not to share anything with them, nor do I feel the need to. Their disapproval is as irrelevant to me as their approval now). It's also a classic Narcissist response too, btw; they're jealous of the attention you get when you do well and want to bring you down.
Erata, I totally recognise your feelings too. To me, getting involved with the family is like that 'Brer Rabbit and the Tar Baby' story - the slightest contact with them, and you're suddenly stuck to them!
And you can't help them, because your tools come from the real world, but normal tools don't work in their world. Like, you say 'Let's have an open and honest discussion so that we all know where we are', but they don't want an honest discussion, it suits their purpose to have secrets and back-stabbing and hidden agendas. In the words of the song: You can't touch this! :-)
Andy, I'm a Brit too, and I think we can often perpetuate this sort of 'poisonous family' (and I do know exactly what you mean!) by keeping buttoned-up about it. It's not always easy to be the one who breaks away from the family, sees the dysfunction for what it is, but it sure as hell beats being stuck in that family system, hands down! Not everyone wants to see the door out of the prison...
Easter can be one of those peak times for toxic families, but I hope everyone here who celebrates it can rise above it and have a great time! May all your bunnies be choccy ones!
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yogaluz
USA
81 Posts |
Posted - 04/06/2012 : 18:13:53
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It's so interesting (though sad) to hear how the seeds of this condition were planted in so many of us by toxic parents. I recently met with a TMS doc to discuss some recent medical developments and in telling the story of my childhood, I think I left him speechless
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The emotional ties we have to our FOO are extremely strong, however unhealthy the relationships. Try to think back to when you were young - your family was all you knew and was, for better of worse, your lifeline - the roof over your head, the food on your plate and even the small bits of care and affection that may have shown through, all came from them. Those connections don't simply vanish. We can choose to sever them but, in most cases I think, there is a ghost of a thread that remains and tugs at us. Call it guilt but, on some level, I think it's a strange sort of love. In any case, creating distance between yourself and family members that are making you ill may be an essential part of healing and it's important to remember that your first responsibility is to make yourself as whole as possible. For some, that may mean ceasing contact with our FOOs, but then we're still left with that tendril of connection to contend with.
Agnes, I can imagine how hurtful it was for you to hear that you wouldn't be a good mother coming from someone you grew up with. I once had a boyfriend tell me I wouldn't be a good mother and even though I knew it was bull****, it still stung for some reason. You may also be wondering what kind of mother you'll be given how little positive examples were set for you growing up. Let me assure you - you are introspective and strong enough to move half way around the world from the people who made you miserable... you're going to be a great mom! I don't often sing my own praises, but I feel I'm an excellent mom despite the odd mothering I received. I now (when I'm not totally pissed off) try to look at my mother as a teacher - a teacher of what not to be as a mother. In this sense, I can actually have moments of gratitude about my upbringing. I've learned to be selfless from a selfish mother. I've learned to be calm from a raging mother. I've learned to be vulnerable and honest from a mother that lives in denial. And I never pass a day without hugging, kissing and telling my kids I love them, ever. And this because I know what it feels like not to receive that kind of care. You'll find your way... you're already on the path.
pain is inevitable, suffering optional |
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Wavy Soul
USA
779 Posts |
Posted - 04/06/2012 : 22:52:00
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Should we have a special British ex-Pat TMS support group? I know you Americans (I've only been here 35 years!) have toxic families too, but you just can't imagine the ancestral layers of frozen rightness that get built around the most HORRIBLE ways of thinking and behaving, and my family were also brilliant academics (for all the use it did them or me) and so they had a strong sense of entitlement or enrightlement.
Bless 'em - at least they are moving to the Far Lands and nearly all gone. I'm almost a complete orphan.
Love is the answer, whatever the question |
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