| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| Colleen |
Posted - 05/03/2005 : 20:45:25
I just wanted to share with everyone something that was just shared with me by Holly. I think this is really worth sharing. Holly and I both have had a lot of pain (though different types of pain) in our feet and difficulty even finding shoes to wear. We both had lost our mothers prior to our feet pain....and both of us are having a very hard time "getting rid of this pain". Holly mentioned to me that we have "extreme TMS" and that "our brains have to keep distracting us". We were both very close to our mothers and it makes sense that our brains would have to constantly keep distracting us because we probably couldn't bear the emotional pain/anger/rage we feel at the great loss we have had. This is not the anger you feel at your friend or spouse or neighbor. Has anyone gone through something like this? How long did it take? I have read the books and watched the video and written and written in my journal.....any ideas?
Thanks,
Colleen |
| 2 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| Colleen |
Posted - 05/04/2005 : 10:29:07
Dear Baseball,
I thank you for your very honest account of the painful losses in your life.....and yes, I agree that most people have had a great loss in their life by this point. Except, for whatever strange reason, the woman who was for years my best friend. She still has both parents and her grandmother and all 37...yes 37... of them (Aunts, Uncle, cousins, in laws......) have dinner together EVERY Sunday. So, you can imagine that she doesn't have a CLUE of what I am going through.
I did not immediately grieve. I always found that strange as my Mom was my very dearest friend in the world. I do not think I have ever been that emotionally close to another person in my life. She was a young Mom and so our relationship grew as Mother-daughter, but also as friends. Her suffering from ovarian cancer for two years and her death were suffering I had never witnessed before, even though I loss all my grandparents, who I was close to between the ages of 11 and 12.
Directly following my Mom's death, I had a total hysterectomy for a rising CA125 (could it be ovarian cancer also, we kept asking) and other suspect symptoms. SOmetime during the recovery period from that surgery, with the hormones flying out of my body at rapid speed and menopause settling in about 10 to 12 years too early, I fell apart and the grief was over whelming. I thought going back to my walking, with Doctors permission would help the anxiety and depression, but then the feet pain (neuropathy) began....and the rest is history.
Some days, I do believe it is the (extreme) TMS and other days, I believe all those Doctors who diagnosed a "neuropathy of unknown origin".....which is the second leading cause of neuropathy next to diabetes.
So, where I go from here, I am not sure. My family is beyond frustrated with me as I am with this constant burning pain.
Colleen |
| Baseball65 |
Posted - 05/03/2005 : 21:50:52
Hi Colleen..
I don't think anyone can answer that question for any other person.I'm sure there isn't a person on this board who hasn't lost a parent,spouse,sibling,friend...We all have different brains,and though similar,we all process stuff differently
Let's see...I'm 39....30 years of unabated,misdirected unmitigated fury at my Father for dying...not to mention shame(my fault) guilt...and than throw in another 30 at my Mother for not remarrying.
Than there was my friend Tom who had the audacity to die right in front of me...We were riding bicycles across Nova Scotia.I was talking to him one minute and a ten minutes later he's got his skull smashed in by the drunk driver who hit him.....He had the Raspberry Jam we had eaten for lunch coming out of his ears,and his head looked like a deflated volleyball.We were 14.
How could they do that to ME?
There is the UNTHINKABLE anger...anger so deeply buried because we are NOT supposed to feel or think that way.TMS makes sure of it.
My wife can NOT focus her anger on her Father who molested her sister and abandoned her family....I can't make her feel the anger,and it is beyond her scope of ability to force it to consciousness...so she suffers with sciatica.
The inability to feel or even comprehend anger where we are trained that it is 'inappropriate' is the cornerstone of all chronic TMS.I'm not talking about a philosophical or rhetorical 'yes...that really irked me' and than back to your usual comfortable feeling...I'm talking about a focused and sustained voyage into the absolutely inappropriate.
There is no Bold text on this forum that can convey the urgency I imply,so I won't bother playing with the font(like our buddy in blue)
I remember reading Holly's string....it occured to me that the circumstances under which her feet grabbed her attention were fairly suspicious.However,we are only here to support each other,not prescribe or announce.
TMS is unique in being the only malady I can think of where the level of recovery is equivalent to the amount of pain a person can stand....an irony lost in a paradox.
When I could no longer stand my pain,I could finally probe the very,very uncomfortable topics of my selfish and self centered childish feelings regarding the people in my life who have been rude enough to die in my universe.
Sometimes journaling is not enough...it is only a piece of a puzzle...sometimes a tangible action has to occur....I spent days and days at my Fathers cemetery having long talks with him about his dying,my shortcomings,my guilt shame and anger....
.....whwew!
I took 30 years...I hope you guys beat my record!!
peace
Baseball65 |
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