| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| Colleen |
Posted - 04/07/2005 : 18:45:38
My siblings have caused me a lot of emotional pain over the years. I now know this is alot of my buried RAGE....among other things. Anyone else have sibling issues? Neither of mine speak to me at this point as they claim, I am "too down to Earth"....whatever that means.
Colleen |
| 20 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| Fox |
Posted - 04/28/2005 : 14:59:01
Laura -- regarding that 12 year old, read William Glasser's "For Parents and Teenagers: Dissolving the Barrier Between You and Your Teen". It's really helped me with my extremely oppositional 14 year old daugther. Glasser is the creator of Reality Therapy. (Another great book by him is "Positive Addiction" -- which touts the benefits of running versus the benefits of meditation.) |
| Colleen |
Posted - 04/28/2005 : 07:29:40
Laura,
We must be on the same wave length....my 12 year old brought home a straight A Report card yesterday and even wrote a report without a battle!! My oldest one came home with her High School placement and all I could think was that she would soon be off on her own !! Since loosing my Mom, I cannot stand the thought of my kids growing up and moving out....but of course they will and that means we have done our jobs!! "We give our children two things; roots and wings."
Colleen |
| Laura |
Posted - 04/27/2005 : 18:58:42
Colleen,
I'll e-mail you. We do have a lot in common and definitely need to talk. I never heard the jello expression before but I had to laugh when I read that. How true!!!
Yeah, I really got concerned when I saw that note about my daughter's friend. It turns out (according to my daughter) that her friend's older sister asked her if she would like to "try" her drink. My daughter says it only happened once but you wonder; is this true or is she telling me what she thinks I want to hear.
Well, this too shall pass, right? I'd rather be in the throes of parental turmoil than suffering from "empty nest" syndrome. I keep reminding myself that my 15 year old will be going off to college soon. How sad!
Things are better here, though. I'm trying a different approach with her and it seems to be working, so far.
Talk to you soon.
Laura
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| Colleen |
Posted - 04/27/2005 : 09:41:57
Allan,
Please elaborate on your recent post.....and what Boston paper was the article in? I get the Globe.
Colleen |
| Colleen |
Posted - 04/27/2005 : 09:37:12
Dear Laura,
I can feel the tears in my eyes as I read your post. I wish so desparately that you lived next door to me and not across the country. We would, no doubt, be having a cup of tea this morning discussing our two daughters!! You have described my life, except for the alcohol issue, but we have had other issues with her...nothing that some may consider "major" but we see them as "major", because we know her or thought we did. Our oldest (will be 15 late this summer) is a dream teenager. She is a gentle, polite, respectful, hard working student and a loving person. She looks for the good in everyone and one day hopes to hold public office of which I beieve she will do and will serve her community well. Our 12 year old, was the sweetest child until Nana died and the hormones kicked in.....about the same time. She fights with us constantly and about everything. She gets all A's, but rarely do we see her do her homework. She has commitment to nothing she does, but as luck would have it, she is an ace softball pitcher and a first string violinist and doesn't seem to require any practice. She has become best friends with a girl across the street, who moved in last summer. They are inseparable. She is really a nice kid, but she has WAY TOO MUCH FREEDOM and is, for the most part, on her own. My 12 year old thinks this is just AWESOME.....what kid wouldn't....but we see where this is going. This friend had an older brother in HighSchool and he nows has friends that can drive over. SO there are teenagers in this house with little to No supervision. This is a constant battle now in our house...."No, you cannot go over to your friend's house with her brother's Highschool friends there and No parents." My 12 year old is also VERY angry with God as she believes that God did not answer her prayers and He took her Nana away from her. She tells me repeatedly that she probably won't believe in religion once she in older. Of course, that is her right, but she knows how much that hurts me to constantly be saying it to me......and I am her Sunday school Teacher!! She is the "class clown" in Sunday school and I think she loves the attention it brings.
I try over and over to reach out to her and sometimes it works, but most of the time it doesn't. She did really lousy on a test recently, which she actually may have done on purpose and she broke into tears and told me she was sorry and she loved me and missed her Nana. When I go to hug her, she pulls away......so either way I am wrong. Do you know that saying, "Raising a teenager is like nailing jello to the wall."??
Today is/was my Mom's Birthday and I am having a tough time with it and trying to keep it to myself....when my 12 year old snapped at me about something (honestly cannot remember) this morning, I asked her to please be considerate today.....How did our parents put up with us as teenagers?? Although, I would NEVER have spoken to them like that.
So, I look at her now and I think how I hope her future is not filled with emotional or physical pain.
Colleen |
| Allan |
Posted - 04/26/2005 : 17:58:34
There was an article in a Boston newspaper recently about a Buddhist monk who was being tortured. His greatest fear was that, as the pain increased, he would lose his love (affection, consideration, respect?) for the one torturing him.
Are we on the wrong track somehow?
Allan. |
| Laura |
Posted - 04/26/2005 : 12:01:52
Colleen,
It's funny you would mention this. Last night, while my oldest child was off babysitting, we had an altercation with our youngest daughter who is 12 going on 18. Our oldest daughter has been a dream come true. She is respectful, has always done well in school, and has a positive, happy attitude. I get along with her very well and we rarely ever have a problem. Our younger daughter, the 12 year old, seems to want to fight with us around every corner. I just recently took photos of her for a sign-in board I'm making for her bat mitzvah. We argue constantly about her putting too much makeup on and I've been told by many so called "wise" adults to "let her be - she'll grow out of it." I'm told the more I say the more she's going to want to put the makeup on. After looking at the photos, I realized she looks like she is 18 years old. I guess I was so hurried trying to get out the door to take the photos that I didn't even realize it. She is very pretty and she wants to be a model, but I do not want her to grow up faster than she needs to. Arguing with her is a daily occurence for my husband and I. Last night, I told her that the makeup is just way too dark and she needs to tone it down to which she responded "I can wear it any way I like - it's my face. You can't tell me what to do." (She used to have a really sweet attitude and then the hormones kicked in!) Oh, my gosh! I cannot even imagine talking to my parents that way now and I'm 45 years old! My oldest daughter wears practically no makeup and she is almost 16. People constantly ask her how old her "big" sister is, the 12 year old.
Yesterday, while sitting on my computer posting on this board, I saw a note sitting on my computer desk. It was to my daughter's friend (the two girls left it there on accident and went outside to play). Curiosity got the best of me and I opened it and read it. It was from some girl to my daughter's friend. It said something in it to the effect of "Don't be mad at me because I think it's stupid you are 13 years old and you drink." Of course, we had to sit down with our daughter and talk to her about it and she ended up screaming at me about how "rude" I am for reading other people's notes. She assured us that her friend had tried alcohol "just once" and hasn't done it since. She cannot seem to understand why this information would upset us, since she spends a great deal of time with the girl.
Then, my husband started yelling at her. Last quarter, she got her first "F" and this summer I will be taking her to summer school every morning for five weeks. She has always been a decent student although she could certainly work harder. Last quarter she had a 2.0 for her gpa. It was really upsetting. My husband knows she can do better so he said to her "We have no idea how you are doing in school. We never see you doing any homework. You're probably failing like last quarter." Not very motivational, I know, so of course I got upset with him for what he said. It was ugly. Turns out, after e-mailing all her teachers, she is doing fine in school - all A's and B's. But we didn't know this last night. Then, at 12:00, as I went to get into bed, I heard talking from her bedroom. I walked in and she was on MY cell phone chatting with a friend, using up all my minutes and not sleeping like she was supposed to be.
What all this is leading upto is, I went to bed really angry at my daughter and did not sleep well at all. When I was sleeping, I was having fitfull sleep with nightmares about my children. I got up today and my neck was excruciatingly stiff, throat was a little scratchy, and my head felt like it was going to explode. I drove her to school and I didn't say one word. When I got home, I just sat down and cried my eyes out. My husband tried to comfort me but could not. I'm a mess. It's so hard because when I was growing up, my mom favored my siblings so much and I always hated it. I know my younger daughter thinks I like my oldest better and you know what, maybe I act like I do. My oldest doesn't give me any grief but I try to go out of my way not to favor one over the other. Sometimes I try to hard it makes me nuts!
My neck is still really hurting and my head is still pounding. I feel like a failure as a parent sometimes and today is one of those times. I know everyone says that this is the typical way teenagers act and that my oldest daughter was an exception but at this rate, I'm going to end up in a hospital before she leaves home. I'm at the end of my rope, both emotionally and physically. The TMS gremlin is having a blast jumping around my body - from dizzy, to headache, to neck pain, to burning stomach, you name it. Whoever doesn't believe in "Mind-body" medicine is outta their mind!
So, Colleen, I think my answer is a definite "Yes" I do worry about that. I also worry for my own health and sanity!!!
Laura
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| Colleen |
Posted - 04/26/2005 : 09:11:23
Hi Everyone,
I am rereading these "sibling posts" and wondering something....when you started having kids of your own, were you or are you worried that their relationships will end up like those we are all posting here? I mean, for the most part, our parents did the best they could. I do not even think some of them realized any favoritism. I had, in my opinion, the best parents, but, yes, they made mistakes. I am just now able to admit this is therapy.....huge step when you have thought your parents perfect for 43 years!! I think my Mom saw the mistakes before she died and I think Dad sees it now, but probably won't change anything. That was part of our very intense conversation last week. I hope I have learned from their mistakes and that my kids will learn from whatever mistakes I have made or will make as a parent.
Any thoughts?
Colleen |
| verdammt |
Posted - 04/24/2005 : 19:58:58
"My Mother STILL spends the most time with my eldest sister who at age 43 acts like a 3 year old(Hmmm. the age she was when my brother was born)" baseball65
Heh, heh! Join the club, baseball! I have an older sister who is a b*tch from hell. Walks all over our parents. A real brute. Bleeds them white financially. But she's always been daddy's favorite and always will be. My mother is terrified of her explosive temper and pulls out all the stops to please her and her reptilian kids.
Here's the kicker: it doesn't get better with time - it gets WORSE! Believe it or not, ten years from now, you'll resent your sister even more!
We'll never get even. There is no justice.
Some are born to sweet delight.
Some are born to the endless night.
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| Colleen |
Posted - 04/24/2005 : 18:48:13
Dear Laura,
Family dynamics will ALWAYS baffle me !! I saw my sister in Church, who went through an unexpected and difficult pregnancy, just had a baby after loosing my Mom and you would think NOTHING in the world was wrong with her. She is as thin as ever, beautiful clothes, jewlery, make-up, hair done, the whole thing to "perfection"....husband bought her a Lexus SUV because he had to "keep her happy". Her three daughters all hugging her and her husband waiting on her hand and foot. I am looking at her, in church mind you, and thinking, where was she when I needed her ? How much did she help with Mom? How often does she see Dad? Oh, she screamed at our Dad about 6 weeks after Mom passed away because she didn't think "he was paying enough attention to her or her children" !! She didn't want to her that our Dad was grieving over his wife of 44 years !! But somehow, that was not her fault, "she was stressed over Mom's death or being pregnant or whatever". So, when you speak of your sister-in-law, I know just what you mean.....and inside we are in rage!!
Colleen |
| Laura |
Posted - 04/24/2005 : 17:05:15
Hey, everyone,
I just had my husband's family over for Passover dinner last night. What fun! My husband's younger sister (who I mentioned earlier can do no wrong and is the baby) never ceases to amaze me. She was invited to our dinner, as well as my niece. She and her husband are divorced but she has a new boyfriend, who is a real pain in the butt. He is obnoxious and annoying and I cannot find one redeaming quality about him. We all tolerate him because she likes him. He is also divorced and has two young kids. Anyway, she asks me the other day "is it alright" if he comes to our Passover dinner. Of course, I say yes even though inside I'm screaming "Please, nooooo! Leave him home." Then, she says that it will be "great" because "He may even be able to bring his kids." Not, "is it okay if he brings his kids" (two more mouths to feed and his son is hyperactive). I said nothing, although I wanted to say "What the heck is wrong with you? Why don't you ask me if his kids can come." Yesterday, while my husband and I were in the kitching making the finishing touches on the meal, she calls and says to my husband that it just occurred to her that her boyfriend's daughter is a vegetarian. She says "I don't want her to be bummed out. What are you serving," as if we were a restaurant or catering service. My husband explained what the menu was (it had been planned for weeks) and she sighed, as if we didn't meet her expectations. My husband hung up the phone and was ranting and raving about how rude it was for her to do that. Then, when she got here we all just acted like everything was hunky dory. On the inside, I was irritated as all heck with her but said nothing. I noticed I got dizzy several times throughout the course of the evening and it's obvious my rage was trying not to boil over.
Two nights ago, my husband and I got in an argument over the fact that she put him on the spot and asked him if her boyfriend's kids could come to my daughter's bat mitzvah. I cannot believe the nerve - to put someone on the spot like that. We are spending so much money to put this thing on and there are already about 180 people invited. I'm really hoping to keep the number more at about 120 and no more than that. I really think it's gutsy to put my husband on the spot like that. It's not as if she's married to the guy and these are her step children or anything. Anyway, it's funny because all this just happened and I was just reading this thread again and thought of her. She doesn't seem to have a care in the world - no TMS, no physical pain of any sort, nothing. She's happy as a clam. Then there's me - one TMS symptom after another and wanting to scream out and say "What's wrong with you???" and not saying a word. Maybe I should try being like her. She doesn't even hesitate to say what's on her mind.
It's funny - yesterday I was getting dizzy all day long, dealing with the stress of my in-laws and all that it entails. Today, it's over and I'm breathing a sigh of relief. No dizziness right now!
Laura
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| Colleen |
Posted - 04/24/2005 : 11:29:22
Baseball65,
I agree with the statement you made that "everyhting we think of as a blessing has an inverse responsibilty...." I am the oldest of three and a lot was given to me, but a lot was expected in return. I have always been grateful for what I have been given, but the responsibity that came with it has been overwhelming at times. No doubt, I developed anxiety in my very early 20's.
However, in my family, a lot was also given to child #2 and child #3. The third child, being my sister was actually spoiled, with nothing being expected in return. She remanins a spoiled adult, by her husband now.
Colleen
Colleen |
| Baseball65 |
Posted - 04/23/2005 : 19:36:49
I just read an article in the Christian Science Monitor(don't let the name throw you...it's considered one of the best papers in the country) about this very topic,,,,that is Birth order and the mini-sociological strata and relationships that evolve.
It said that first born children generally had far more pressure to succeed,but also tended to do so because they were given far more attention,support and resource.
This corroborated with my own family a lot.....I ,being last,was given little,but had very little expected of me.My older brother was held up to a much higher code of conduct/expectations.
My Mother STILL spends the most time with my eldest sister who at age 43 acts like a 3 year old(Hmmm. the age she was when my brother was born)
I think there is balance in the universe...everything we think of as a blessing has an inverse responsibility,and vice versa......I was ignored,but I can't say I didn't enjoy the freedom and lack of responsibility.My brother and his great clothes,car and expense account feels stifled,pressured and lonely...
Yin and yang
Baseball65 |
| Colleen |
Posted - 04/23/2005 : 18:07:44
Hi Everyone,
I agree that personality probably has more to do with it than birth order, although there are certain personality traits that tend to go along with birth order.
Colleen |
| n/a |
Posted - 04/23/2005 : 02:58:54
Great posts, everyone. I've really enjoyed reading them.
I'm a first born, of two - a real TMS mess for years.
My husband is also a first born, of four - doesn't seem to suffer from TMS at all. His youngest sister does though, big time. She just doesn't know it yet. |
| Stryder |
Posted - 04/22/2005 : 22:06:37
Hmmm, I'm the older of 2 kids in my family. I most certainly am a TMSer, and I think my sibling is too (although she has yet to come aboard the "Got Sarno?" bandwagon). I honestly think personality is a more likely factor than birth order. -Stryder |
| Colleen |
Posted - 04/22/2005 : 12:42:00
I am the oldest daughter and I am the TMSer in the group of three.
I am looking at my own two children, born 2 years apart and I could not tell you right now who would be more likely to have TMS....hopefully neither of them. Being in pain is not fun!!
Colleen |
| verdammt |
Posted - 04/21/2005 : 18:09:06
"I don't know about that V,
I'm the eldest child in my family and I would bet that there are a high percentage of TMSers who are the eldest, especially eldest daughters." logan
Well, like I said, it was only a hunch. Betcha the youngest suffers the most when the kids are born close together (three kids born a year apart in my case). Being the "baby" in such a competitive and hectic environment truly sucks. |
| Colleen |
Posted - 04/21/2005 : 12:03:40
Laura,
Very interesting info you had in your post.
My brother and only son in an Irish family (my son, my son) is also a Doctor. He is 16 months younger than me. SO, he is the one who can be bragged about. He married an absolute witch....honestly, I think she is the wicked witch of the North East!! My sister, about 5 years younger than me, is SPOILED ROTTON, totally self-absorbed and a royal pain to deal with. You know that T-shirt that says, It's All About Me".....I swear they made that for her and her self-absorbed husband. They are never asked to do anything, but are always there to get!! To give my brother his credit, he was there for my Mom when she was sick and dying. My sister was there at the Hospital one full day and then she reappeared on the last day for about 15 minutes!!
I had a very emotional conversation with my Dad last night about his will and his retirement and all. Now that Mom has passed away, if he puts one of them in charge of all this, I'll bet you my last dollar, we will end up in court. It will never be enough for either of them. I finally cut to the chase and asked to be removed from the will as my Dad has been very generous to me and the thought of dealing with my siblings to gain whatever is left is just not worth it. My husband and I do not have much financially, but I would rather be this way then deal with them. They would be unmerciful to me. It feels good to be able to vent like this....Thanks!!
Colleen
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| Laura |
Posted - 04/21/2005 : 10:26:17
This is a really interesting topic. I'm the middle child and thus far I've been the only one to suffer from TMS. Just yesterday, I was talking to my sister and it sounds like she is developing some of the things I've had. I am 45 and she was born when I was 9 years old. She has always been spoiled, the "baby" of the family, and my mom has told me that she is her "favorite." This has been a big source of rage for me, you can only imagine.
My brother is a delusional pot head. He is nearly two years older than me and is joined at the hip to my mother. They have a very dysfunctional relationship. He is earning just above poverty level and all I ever hear about him from my parents is "poor Kevin." When he was younger, they bailed him out of jail (drunk driving) several times. Now, they are bailing him out financially. He has two children and somehow he got custody (his ex-wife is a nut job - I guess the judge thought he was the lesser of two evils). My parents adore his oldest son so they are putting him through college. When I asked my parents to come here in June for my daughter's bat mitzvah, it was a huge effort to get them to take and plane from Michigan and come. Everything I hear is "We can't afford it." They could afford it if they weren't bailing my brother out of trouble and paying for his kid to go to a prestigious college.
I see the rage and anger that is created on the part of parents and how they treat each child differently. Many of you expressed that your parents asked you to be the one to perform the tasks that required being responsible. It is the same with me. My brother has his head too far up his butt and my sister is spoiled rotten. They know they can ask me for anything and it will get done properly.
My husband is the middle child and it is the same in his family, only under different circumstances. His older brother, a doctor, is the favorite (he's a doctor - gives them something to brag about). So, his brother is not a loser (like mine) but he is very attached to his parents and they to him. His younger sister is "the baby." She can do no wrong. Nothing is ever her fault. She is absolutely perfect. My husband is the executor of his parents' inheritance money. He hands it out to them when they need it because they will piss it all away and there will be nothing left in a few years. He is the responsible one and, to my knowledge, he is the only one who suffers from TMS symptoms.
Great topic, Colleen.
Laura
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