| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| Caroline |
Posted - 04/04/2005 : 08:08:40
I am curious whether anyone on this forum has read Alice Miller "the drama of the gifted child", "the truth will set you free", etc. She often refers to childhood trauma as the source of physical pain in adulthood. I have started reflecting on my own childhood and am slowly remembering how my mother was basically out of control much of the time (screaming, yelling and beating my brother and me when we misbehaved). The problem is that the more I think about it, the worse I feel! Has anyone else made the link between childhood beatings and TMS? |
| 12 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| Colleen |
Posted - 04/05/2005 : 18:30:51
Hi Everyone,
I have a family trauma question to ask. My Mom and Dad were wonderful and I lived in the same house until I got married and moved out....my dad still lives there. However, my brother and sister were awful to me as we grew older. They did it in ways that no one would observe but me...."head games". They married and then there spouses started on me....not inviting me or "forgetting" to invite me and my family to different things. My sister and sister in law are very close friends. As we have grown older, they have all grown closer and have shut me and my kids out. At my Mom's funeral, I went to hug my sister and she turned her back to me. I am one year older than my brother and almost 5 years older than my sister. I haven't heard from either one of them in over a year. My husband called them when I had major surgery shortly after Mom passed away, but they never called or sent a card.....my sister lives about 4 miles from me!!
This has caused me a great deal of emotional pain. Has anyone else had to deal with this situation?
Colleen
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| Caroline |
Posted - 04/05/2005 : 09:36:26
[quote]Originally posted by Maryalma8
Ok then I think I'll stop obsessing about that. I guess reading Alice Miller's book sent me in a different direction from Sarno's. She says you really can't solve your problems unless you have gotten to the root of your childhood trauma. She also says it sould be done with a psychoterapist. I guess if i can't stop TMS on my own, I'll have to go there anyway. |
| marytabby |
Posted - 04/05/2005 : 09:30:40
Carolilne,
I asked a friend of mine who did not have a traumatic childhood how far back he can remember his childhood, and he said nothing before age 12. He said the same thing I did, in fact took the words out of my mouth: "I was busy being a kid, so I have no idea of things that my mother tells me I used to do, or kids I hung with, etc." Funny I did have an abusive childhood, and clearly remember incidents of abuse, and I don't believe I have repressed any of it, so my inability to remember things before say age 11 or so are not so uncommon after all. My friend had a loving, normal upbringing, and he has the same reply. |
| n/a |
Posted - 04/05/2005 : 02:33:51
I don't think that it needs to be beatings or abuse in the conventionally accepted sense either. Since doing all the work to get rid of TMS, memories of my mother's inability to parent in the emotional sense have surfaced.
She never hit us or was mean to us at all - but she was unable to give us any support, other than in the way she cared for us physically, meals, laundry etc.
I can't remember a time when I considered her a stronger person than I was. Any problem I had or advice I needed, I got from my father. We learned from a very early age that my mother should never be upset in any way - she needed to be protected from anything difficult or troubling.
As I grew up my father's resentment towards her became worse and worse. We lived in one mixed up house - my father obviously loved us and was proud of us. He always made sure that we didn't worry our mother, but it was obvious that he held her in contempt - this got really bad towards the end of his life, he couldn't hide what had become hatred of her. I was having to spend a lot of time caring for him in ways that she should have done and be a support for her as well. Every day she would remind me that she could not cope without me at all. She still does and the pressure can become just about unbearable at times.
I'm sure what went on at that time was one of the reasons I had a 'breakdown', with unbearable TMS back pain.
I still struggle with the concept that the relatonship between my parents and my mother's need to be taken care of; was not a situation of my making. I had no control over it. Since childhood I had unconsciously (subconsciously?) believed it was my fault.
Thanks for bringing this up, Caroline. It's a topic well worth exploring and I do believe TMS difficulties may well have roots in parenting problems.Thank you also, Miehnesor for putting me on to the inner-child concept. I think John Bradshaw is brilliant - I recognise so much of myself in his book 'Home Coming' and his ideas are adding to my uderstanding of why I felt the way I felt and given me further ammunition in my work to keep TMS away.
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| Laura |
Posted - 04/04/2005 : 19:17:20
Caroline,
I have posted on this topic as well on one of the dizziness threads and it appears a whole slew of others have dealt with the same issues. During my childhood, my parents often said "Children should be seen and not heard." Beatings were frequent and screaming and yelling was the norm. It was awful! I couldn't wait to grow up and move the he-- out of there! Now, I'm married with two daughters and lately I'm finding myself raising my voice and getting upset, mostly with my almost 13 year old who gives me grief on a daily basis. Although our two daughters have grown up in a much more loving environment (with no spanking whatsoever), I always feel guilt for getting angry about anything, almost like I don't have the right. That's when my TMS really acts up.
You should read some of the older posts on the dizziness threads. We had quite a few discussions on this topic and it seems to be a common thread amongst many of us.
Laura
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| miehnesor |
Posted - 04/04/2005 : 18:47:33
Caroline - I sort of address your question in the childhood memories post above so you can read that. I'm not sure you will need to go that deep however. When you say the more you think about it the worse you feel- that is great! You are supposed to feel bad. The important thing is that you are feeling. You will heal if you feel and you need to find a support structure where you can express your feelings uncensured. |
| Caroline |
Posted - 04/04/2005 : 15:48:36
quote:
Originally posted by miehnesor
The only thing that matters is your feelings about it and feeling your feelings.
This may sound like a stupid question but how do you make yourself feel something that you are mot aware of? |
| miehnesor |
Posted - 04/04/2005 : 12:59:22
I need to be careful that I don't project my *&^% on top of your situation. In your case it seems like you would have a lot of anger towards your mom for treating you the way that she did. Beatings causes a lot of pent up resentment down the line. It may not have been her fault in the sense that she might have been beaten as a child as well and she just raised you as she was raised. Actually it doesn't really matter. The only thing that matters is your feelings about it and feeling your feelings. |
| miehnesor |
Posted - 04/04/2005 : 12:51:56
quote:
Originally posted by Caroline
I am curious whether anyone on this forum has read Alice Miller "the drama of the gifted child", "the truth will set you free", etc.
I've read it although not recently. It's a great book. She makes the case for why you can't know what is happening to you in childhood because you simply can't understand it as a child. The child adapts to his envirnoment to survive. If there is trauma, like what you are describing, then there will be repression going on. The more severe the trauma the greater the repression such that you simply won't know that anything bad happened at all. To get to it you have to work on it and try and connect with those lost feelings.
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| Caroline |
Posted - 04/04/2005 : 12:50:48
quote:
Originally posted by Fredarm57
I was never beaten, but my family moved a lot when I was a kid. I was always having to leave friends and make new ones. Until I went into therapy I never realized how angry I was with my parents about the moving. It was a major factor in my original TMS episode.
Interesting. I moved around a lot to. My dad was a diplomat. I remmber growing up practically without friends. And when I made one I had to leave them after a couple of years. Strangely though I always enjoyed the bohemian life. The part I think affected me the most was spending so muchtime with my mother instead of playing with friends. I couldn't wait to get out of that house! |
| Fredarm57 |
Posted - 04/04/2005 : 08:40:54
I was never beaten, but my family moved a lot when I was a kid. I was always having to leave friends and make new ones. Until I went into therapy I never realized how angry I was with my parents about the moving. It was a major factor in my original TMS episode. |
| marytabby |
Posted - 04/04/2005 : 08:30:36
Since I am new to TMS acceptance, I do not have much to offer on this topic except to say that I was abused as a child and bore witness to brutal abuse on my mother and siblings by my father. I am sure there is some connection to that now that I am approaching my 40's. I'd be interested in hearing more about your thoughts on the book once you've finished it.
Mary |
