| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| shawnsmith |
Posted - 06/24/2013 : 10:52:46
Maybe not directly TMS related, but I think this topic ties into the question of why we get TMS in this modern age.
Shawn
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How Not to Be Alone
By JONATHAN SAFRAN FOER -- June 8, 2013
http://www.nytimes.com/2013/06/09/opinion/sunday/how-not-to-be-alone.html?pagewanted=2&_r=3&smid=fb-share&pagewanted=all
A COUPLE of weeks ago, I saw a stranger crying in public. I was in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood, waiting to meet a friend for breakfast. I arrived at the restaurant a few minutes early and was sitting on the bench outside, scrolling through my contact list. A girl, maybe 15 years old, was sitting on the bench opposite me, crying into her phone. I heard her say, “I know, I know, I know” over and over.
What did she know? Had she done something wrong? Was she being comforted? And then she said, “Mama, I know,” and the tears came harder.
What was her mother telling her? Never to stay out all night again? That everybody fails? Is it possible that no one was on the other end of the call, and that the girl was merely rehearsing a difficult conversation?
“Mama, I know,” she said, and hung up, placing her phone on her lap.
I was faced with a choice: I could interject myself into her life, or I could respect the boundaries between us. Intervening might make her feel worse, or be inappropriate. But then, it might ease her pain, or be helpful in some straightforward logistical way. An affluent neighborhood at the beginning of the day is not the same as a dangerous one as night is falling. And I was me, and not someone else. There was a lot of human computing to be done.
It is harder to intervene than not to, but it is vastly harder to choose to do either than to retreat into the scrolling names of one’s contact list, or whatever one’s favorite iDistraction happens to be. Technology celebrates connectedness, but encourages retreat. The phone didn’t make me avoid the human connection, but it did make ignoring her easier in that moment, and more likely, by comfortably encouraging me to forget my choice to do so. My daily use of technological communication has been shaping me into someone more likely to forget others. The flow of water carves rock, a little bit at a time. And our personhood is carved, too, by the flow of our habits.
Psychologists who study empathy and compassion are finding that unlike our almost instantaneous responses to physical pain, it takes time for the brain to comprehend the psychological and moral dimensions of a situation. The more distracted we become, and the more emphasis we place on speed at the expense of depth, the less likely and able we are to care.
Everyone wants his parent’s, or friend’s, or partner’s undivided attention — even if many of us, especially children, are getting used to far less. Simone Weil wrote, “Attention is the rarest and purest form of generosity.” By this definition, our relationships to the world, and to one another, and to ourselves, are becoming increasingly miserly.
Most of our communication technologies began as diminished substitutes for an impossible activity. We couldn’t always see one another face to face, so the telephone made it possible to keep in touch at a distance. One is not always home, so the answering machine made a kind of interaction possible without the person being near his phone. Online communication originated as a substitute for telephonic communication, which was considered, for whatever reasons, too burdensome or inconvenient. And then texting, which facilitated yet faster, and more mobile, messaging. These inventions were not created to be improvements upon face-to-face communication, but a declension of acceptable, if diminished, substitutes for it.
But then a funny thing happened: we began to prefer the diminished substitutes. It’s easier to make a phone call than to schlep to see someone in person. Leaving a message on someone’s machine is easier than having a phone conversation — you can say what you need to say without a response; hard news is easier to leave; it’s easier to check in without becoming entangled. So we began calling when we knew no one would pick up.
Shooting off an e-mail is easier, still, because one can hide behind the absence of vocal inflection, and of course there’s no chance of accidentally catching someone. And texting is even easier, as the expectation for articulateness is further reduced, and another shell is offered to hide in. Each step “forward” has made it easier, just a little, to avoid the emotional work of being present, to convey information rather than humanity.
THE problem with accepting — with preferring — diminished substitutes is that over time, we, too, become diminished substitutes. People who become used to saying little become used to feeling little.
With each generation, it becomes harder to imagine a future that resembles the present. My grandparents hoped I would have a better life than they did: free of war and hunger, comfortably situated in a place that felt like home. But what futures would I dismiss out of hand for my grandchildren? That their clothes will be fabricated every morning on 3-D printers? That they will communicate without speaking or moving?
Only those with no imagination, and no grounding in reality, would deny the possibility that they will live forever. It’s possible that many reading these words will never die. Let’s assume, though, that we all have a set number of days to indent the world with our beliefs, to find and create the beauty that only a finite existence allows for, to wrestle with the question of purpose and wrestle with our answers.
We often use technology to save time, but increasingly, it either takes the saved time along with it, or makes the saved time less present, intimate and rich. I worry that the closer the world gets to our fingertips, the further it gets from our hearts. It’s not an either/or — being “anti-technology” is perhaps the only thing more foolish than being unquestioningly “pro-technology” — but a question of balance that our lives hang upon.
Most of the time, most people are not crying in public, but everyone is always in need of something that another person can give, be it undivided attention, a kind word or deep empathy. There is no better use of a life than to be attentive to such needs. There are as many ways to do this as there are kinds of loneliness, but all of them require attentiveness, all of them require the hard work of emotional computation and corporeal compassion. All of them require the human processing of the only animal who risks “getting it wrong” and whose dreams provide shelters and vaccines and words to crying strangers.
We live in a world made up more of story than stuff. We are creatures of memory more than reminders, of love more than likes. Being attentive to the needs of others might not be the point of life, but it is the work of life. It can be messy, and painful, and almost impossibly difficult. But it is not something we give. It is what we get in exchange for having to die.
Jonathan Safran Foer is a novelist who delivered the 2013 commencement address at Middlebury College, from which this essay is adapted.
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“Living up to an image that you have of yourself or that
other people have of you is inauthentic living – another unconscious role the ego plays.” -- Ekhart Tolle |
| 11 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| 1koolkat |
Posted - 06/27/2013 : 11:21:02
Thanks for the reply, Balto.
Learning to listen and empathize with people has been one of the hardest things I've ever tried to do. I used Harville Hendrix' book "Imago Dialogue" when my husband and I got married and I tell you, just knowing that he "hears" me makes it all better. And knowing I hear him lessens his anxiety at thinking he needs to do something to make me feel better or to make me happy (it's a guy thing).
I think people don't know how to listen and have had few experiences
of being heard. It's life altering. Usually, people just go back to texting - so much easier. So, I'm going to try to model what I'm talking about here for you:
Balto, I hear you may be feeling a little worried about what you said to me in this post and you wonder if I'll take it the wrong way (I'll take it the way I take it. Can that be wrong?) You're also worried I might think you are cold-hearted based on what you said.
I hear you saying that you think many people (you included?) like to hear words of sympathy when the going gets rough and we're experiencing some emotions. You think that sympathetic words will keep those who have TMS from good health. If we continue to receive sympathetic words, we will create victim-mentalities for ourselves which is very difficult to be free of. You think that sympathetic words create a false feeling of comfort and from that place, we will not face reality. Sympathy is only for funerals. If we have TMS symptoms, we need to think strong and have a strong belief. With the right encouragement, we can overcome our symptoms.
I hear you telling me that I shouldn't be a victim, that I need to break free and rise above all the difficulties in life. I hear you saying that I should believe in myself and in that, I can overcome all difficulty. I hear you say that belief is stronger than anything.
Did I hear you correctly?
Just so you know, what I was asking for is empathy. I gave myself empathy when I asked for what I wanted and needed from you all at that moment. Big difference from sympathy. Regarding sympathy, you're right. It's not helpful, usually, not even at a funeral, IMO. Based on the article Shawn posted, and the girl who was sitting and crying, would it have been more helpful to go up to her and say, "I see that you're crying and having some emotions. Can I listen or help in any way? Or, "Girl, you've got to buck up. This world is a haven of ****heads who will try to run your life. You look like a victim. Quit crying now and get on with life!"
The sympathy example is extreme and probably not something you or I would do. And I know the article is not true to the TMS forum we're on here. I think it still applies, however.
How can we truly connect and help each other here so we can have inner peace? That's what I'm interested in.
Again, I applaud your courage for going out on a limb, Balto. If you're interested in more dialogue so you can hear how your words affected me, please email me. Or, we can do it here, if you like.
Kat |
| balto |
Posted - 06/26/2013 : 09:08:56
Koolkat, I hope you won't take my post the wrong way and think I'm cold hearted.
Sympathy, comforting words are welcome by many of us in time of difficulty. But in the world of tms/anxiety I think it sometime can trap us and prevent us from finding our way back to good health. Keep receiving sympathy and we slowly trap ourselves in this victim mentality way of thinking that will be hard to break free. This false comfort zone will prevent us from facing the reality, from rising above our problem and get well. Sympathy is wonderful at funeral, but for mind body illness we need to think strong, we need the right encouragement, we need to overcome, we need a strong belief.
Don't be a victim, break free from the chain of life's difficulty and rise above them. Believe in yourself and believe that you can over come all difficulty. Nothing stronger than your belief.
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No, I don't know everything. I'm just here to share my experience. |
| 1koolkat |
Posted - 06/25/2013 : 02:30:20
Thank you to all who responded. As I told those who allow email, I do feel more loved and "seen" when my distress is acknowledged in any way that feels comfortable. Thanks to all who sent me love energy, or healing thoughts, etc. All of it is helpful and most welcome. I do feel better now. Love.
Kat |
| RageSootheRatio |
Posted - 06/24/2013 : 20:28:10
1koolkat, I hear this is feeling SOOOOoooo painful for you that you feel you want to die. I'm so sorry for your hurt. In a full-blown distress-situation like this, it's hard on the internet to know how to respond... what are the words you most need to hear right now? We are listening.
RSR |
| Darko |
Posted - 06/24/2013 : 20:05:17
Koolkat,
Sounds like a crap situation! Something popped into my mind, I really don't know if it will resonate with you, but here it is anyway.
"You can't change what you aren't willing to confront"
What is the REAL reason for her upset? You might have already addressed it I dont know. Just thought I'd but that out there.
D |
| shawnsmith |
Posted - 06/24/2013 : 19:36:27
Hi 1koolkat
Thanks for sharing. I am sorry to hear of your sadness and frustration. Please continue to express your feelings here. We may not be able to offer advice, but we can at least listen.
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“Living up to an image that you have of yourself or that
other people have of you is inauthentic living – another unconscious role the ego plays.” -- Ekhart Tolle |
| jegol71 |
Posted - 06/24/2013 : 15:10:50
"Will you be a kind stranger who will listen benevolently and not shame me for my tears and public display of emotion? Will you offer up your own heart and soul, rather than your intellect only, in a public disply of generous human connection? Or will you just go back to reading posts on this forum?"
There's not shame, but courage in writing how you did. Good on you. TMS can sometimes be the pain of experience coupled with the pain of being ignored, often the same thing. If no one responds to your post, yet you see twenty have read it, you will immediately construct a horde of those twenty slackened, unsympathetic faces making thing worse for you as they invest none of themselves in how you feel. Twenty potential connections killed, reiterating the emotions of your feared lost connection to your daughter. The pain of life remastered x 20 from a post. No one deserves that.
You are good, you are loved. |
| 1koolkat |
Posted - 06/24/2013 : 14:49:49
I am sitting here in my house all alone, crying, I can't seem to stop. I want to die. Why? Because my 23 year old daughter, who just got married, whose pictures I just looked at via her father's (we're divorced) facebook page because her husband, who sent the pictures, sent them to everyone else's facebook but mine, would not ask the photographer to take pictures with just the two of us. There are pictures of she and her father, and the grandparents, but not her and the mother of the bride. I have already shed buckets of tears, yelled and screamed onto the paper, over this situation and been advised to "let it go." Excellent advice. I feel so hurt and so depressed at the lack of closeness between she and I - and I'm the one to blame. I don't know what to do or say to her, so I mostly don't because I don't want to feel her eyes rolling to the ceiling, or receive a one word (or no word) reply to the texting I'm relegated to. She definitely doesn't write emails even, or want to hear voice mails left on her phone, and when I call once a week, I get to talk to her for 15 mins. if she's driving and about 5 mins. if not.
I'm surprised at this reaction of mine cause I thought I was doing so well. In all fairness, just had a big tiff with hubbie last night where he was "irritated" with me for trying to control his driving, the way he does the dishes, etc. I interpret the irritation as suppressed anger cause he says it with a smile in a true good boy fashion, and he agrees. I'm angry with myself because I married another good boy who squelches his emotions. I keep trying to change him because I can't seem to change myself, my life, the way I live it, or who I live it with to any degree that works and to have some degree of contentment in the midst of it all.
That young girl on the phone could have been my daughter, with me on the other end of it, telling her what she did wrong and how she needed to correct it. Well meaning advice, yes. but the sensitive, courageous young girl is also me, bending to my mother or father's will, unable to get a word in edgewise except to just be good and say, "Yes, mama."
Will you be a kind stranger who will listen benevolently and not shame me for my tears and public display of emotion? Will you offer up your own heart and soul, rather than your intellect only, in a public disply of generous human connection? Or will you just go back to reading posts on this forum? |
| pspa123 |
Posted - 06/24/2013 : 13:15:25
The paragraphs about modern forms of communication, how we prefer them and how they diminish us, are eloquent and so true at least of the younger generation. |
| shawnsmith |
Posted - 06/24/2013 : 13:05:15
would you want a strange man talking to your 15 year old daughter and seeking to comfort her?
*************************
“Living up to an image that you have of yourself or that
other people have of you is inauthentic living – another unconscious role the ego plays.” -- Ekhart Tolle |
| RageSootheRatio |
Posted - 06/24/2013 : 11:46:23
Yeah, OK so he cogitates about it and then writes about it, BUT did he actually connect with and TALK to that 15 year old girl? ?
RSR |
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