| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| yogaluz |
Posted - 03/17/2013 : 16:10:28
I'm curious to hear from folks who quit a stressful job to help themselves heal as well as folks who found a way to stay in jobs they hate and still heal.
I've been working for an international humanitarian organization for nearly 3 years now. There are constant deadlines, huge pressures to raise funds, international travel etc. I suppose the thing I hate most about my job is having a huge amount of responsibility but not having any authority to create the outcomes I want. With the time crunches I'm under, I simply cannot relax at work. I try to take moments out of my day to breath, I try to get to yoga few times a week (but oftentimes work deadlines get in the way), but the end result is tension. I am literally vibrating when I leave work. My sleep is getting worse and worse - I wake up frequently throughout the night worried about something I didn't get done or something I may have done incorrectly that cost time. It's literally taking over my life.
I no longer have time to write or paint or even think creatively anymore and I think part of me is shutting down. I'm depressed. I no longer have the energy to cook or go for a hike with my husband, or exercise much at all - things I used to love to do.
And of course I have a new wonderful symptom!! I've had a varicose vein in my leg for years and it only bothered me occasionally but on a recent international trip (on which I also contracted some food/water borne illness) it really started aching. When I got home, I did what I should never do and googled varicose veins (innocently enough really, thinking I could look into getting it taken out as my mom had hers) and then read about deep vein thrombosis. I went to a vein doc and was diagnosed with vein reflux (where the valve on the vein isn't working properly so blood pools and expands the vein). There's a simple procedure to deal with it but they can't do conduct it until I've worn compression hose for 3 months (insurance won't pay for it unless you give hosiery a go first - nice!). So, I'm wearing my hose but leg hurts all the time now and is weak and I have tingling in my toes. I know it's bloody TMS but I'm so exhausted from my job that I can't seem to find the mental peace to deal with it.
I want to quit my job but I'm the person in the family that carries health insurance and I have two kids. I'd like to find another job and feel its important to have a job while you're looking rather than being unemployed. But again, I am listless and depressed so am not a great candidate for any kind of new job.
I suppose I'm asking for advice and inspiration. I know I should probably quit my job and try to heal but I feel very responsible for caring for my family as my husband was laid off a few years ago and we almost lost everything. This job, though killing me, provides us with some security. Trapped and TMSing. Thanks for listening!
pain is inevitable, suffering optional |
| 15 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| njoy |
Posted - 03/24/2013 : 11:12:49
Yogaluz, I am SO impressed!
*****
"It's worth considering that tms is not a treatment but rather an unfolding of the self, and a way of living as an emotionally aware and engaged soul." Plum |
| yogaluz |
Posted - 03/24/2013 : 08:58:21
From njoy: "Please, do NOT allow yourself to think you "should" be able to take the stress and don't deserve a stress leave. Put yourself first, for once. Also, your kids need you more than they need medical insurance."
Njoy, thank you so much. That's just what I needed to hear.
You all are so right about my personal reaction to the situation I'm in. However, I've decided that the job is simply not a good fit for me (I will add that every other person in my position at work is looking for another job as well because of the bad conditions). SO, I'm doing something radical....
My family and I have been thinking of moving to Hawaii for a very long time. My girls applied to high schools there and we just found out they were accepted. I'm starting a business with a friend and moving to Hawaii where I also hope to find work in marine conservation (I have an oceanography background) and get back to doing the things I love. We may be without health insurance for a while and we'll be living much more simply but I'm very excited about it.
The best part about it really was the decision to quit thinking of myself as trapped. We all do this I think from time to time - believe our situation is beyond our control and we're stuck. Fortunately, my chains were figurative unlike Victor Frankl's but the point is well made that we need to learn to change our thinking when we cannot change our situation.
I have no doubt Hawaii will have its challenges and I hope to bring awareness to my reactions and make sure I don't find myself in a similar situation. I will say that when I was last in Hawaii in November, my pain went away completely. Wish me luck. This is scary as hell but it also feels so good to follow a dream and take on a new adventure.
pain is inevitable, suffering optional |
| njoy |
Posted - 03/21/2013 : 00:46:13
Experiences differ for different people. I quit a stressful job (one I liked but it was just too much) and entered a much more peaceful field. I have never regretted it for one moment.
Retirement is even better. I now have time to for everything I want to do.
*****
"It's worth considering that tms is not a treatment but rather an unfolding of the self, and a way of living as an emotionally aware and engaged soul." Plum |
| MarkF |
Posted - 03/20/2013 : 21:25:57
yogaluz,
I can understand your situation since I feel the same way about my job, though sometimes it's worse and sometimes it's better. It's the primary source of my TMS - or to be more precise, my reaction to my job is the primary source of my TMS. That's a very important distinction because it's not the job itself, but my reaction to it, that is the problem. We need to take responsibility for our TMS is we hope to change it.
A famous psychiatrist and concentration camp survivor, Viktor Frankl wrote, "When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves." He wrote a very good book, Man's Search For Meaning, describing his experience in the concentration camp. One central theme to the book is what determined if a person survived or not was their personal reaction to the situation, not the situation itself. "“Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.” This same thing applies at work, or in any other situation.
In my own job, and other previous jobs, different people will view the situation differently, have different ways of coping, and will react differently to it. Some people (like my boss) has even more responsibilities that me, and some might say he has more "stress", but he never is stressed and always has a great optimistic attitude.
One other thing to mention is the idea of "stress". People look at it as if it's some type of substance, and some places or situations contain more of this substance than others. That's entirely illusory. Stress is only our personal reaction to a situation, and again, everyone's reaction is different. Stress is something we create, not something inherent in a situation.
Anyway, my advice is to work to change your beliefs about work and your reaction to work. With that said though, some jobs are just not compatible with your preferred lifestyle - for example, maybe a job requires 50% travel and you don't want to be away from home that much - in which case you should look for a different job. But if you change a job just because of stress alone, don't be surprised if you find your new job to also be stressful.
Good luck!
Mark |
| chickenbone |
Posted - 03/20/2013 : 20:44:13
Mom2two,
You are so right. Our experience is of WHO we are, not WHERE we are.
I discovered this after I retired early. I thought I would have so much time and not be stressed. Guess what? Retirement (I started menopause right after retiring) has been unbelievably stressful for me. I don't like being retired. I wish I could still work, but for various reasons, I cannot. Working put a lot of structure in my life that I now lack. |
| njoy |
Posted - 03/20/2013 : 20:26:59
I'd suggest a stress leave. It will give you time to consider your situation which may be just what you need. It's never healthy to hate your job and yours sounds eminently hate-worthy.
Please, do NOT allow yourself to think you "should" be able to take the stress and don't deserve a stress leave. Put yourself first, for once. Also, your kids need you more than they need medical insurance.
*****
"It's worth considering that tms is not a treatment but rather an unfolding of the self, and a way of living as an emotionally aware and engaged soul." Plum |
| yogaluz |
Posted - 03/19/2013 : 18:10:17
Hey M22, I'm a perfectionist mom too! My kids are now teenagers and so I've had to let a lot go (teens are good at helping you do that :-)). Yes, I'll always be driven and always want to be the person that steps up but honestly, I have had jobs I loved (my favorite was working at a nursery for a year!) and I truly loved being at home with my kids for many years (though of course plagued with doubt about the fact I wasn't 'working').
But your points are well taken. I need to chill out - on so many levels and I know it requires practice and patience neither of which I'm good at but it's effecting my health so I don't really have a choice. The morning after I posted this, I was headed out to work with my heavy backpack on (I bike to work) and bent over to slip my shoe on and, there went my back. I've been in agony ever since and fuming about a work situation so getting no relief. Something's gotta give and I just have to decide how best to deal with it.
pain is inevitable, suffering optional |
| Mom2two |
Posted - 03/18/2013 : 10:59:39
I have so been where you are and sometimes, I am still there. Just a little background, I worked in a corporate setting for almost 15 years. Many of those years were very stressful, as upper level mangers were very demanding and often have no regard for your time or personal life. One of my co-workers had 3 children, and often underperformed or so I though not having kids at that time. Honestly she probably did under perform....but she still got paid, and she handled her life, one issue at a time...it never seemed to bother her...being behind schedule. If she was approached for something she didn't get done on time, she apologized quickly and moved on. I am not like this...I am like you. I work and work, until, I drop. Typical TMS personality, not wanting anyone else to think we are slow or lazy...all the things we hate. I often wanted to quit my job and run off and live my life gardening somewhere in the sun. Being single, and supporting myself, that was not an option. I think what bothered me the most in hind site, was the feeling of being trapped in that job, like there was no escape. I did find healing while working these crazy house back in those years. It wasn't complete...but it was a start.
Fast forward...I am now at home with my 2 kids...and guess what....the same darn feelings come up for me at home. I still have my perfectionist tendencies...try keeping a clean house with 2 small children. I think you may understand this. It is true when they say "wherever you go, there you are". Finding a new job may get you some temporary relief...but you may just become the overly responsible worker you are right now, all over again.
Can you try to find a way to truly unplug from the job when you are not there? Doing that might offer you some time to figure out what is really bothering you.
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| eric watson |
Posted - 03/17/2013 : 17:47:47
yogaluz - i ran a construction company for a long while- it was hell
but yes you can heal in bad situations if u know what to do and as ace said it will take longer. |
| yogaluz |
Posted - 03/17/2013 : 17:46:03
and because I want to add to my tension, I'd like to note that I DO know how to spell perseverance. 
pain is inevitable, suffering optional |
| yogaluz |
Posted - 03/17/2013 : 17:39:58
Thanks All,
My husband is working as a contractor and so has an income but no benefits. I guess there really is no security these days but for some reason, I feel that being employed is more secure than being an independent contractor. Believe me, I feel very fortunate to be out of the hole we were in years ago but at what cost?
I would never have known how driven my industry is until I worked in it. Large organizations competing for funding under very tight time constraints. It's a pressure cooker full of Type A's who are super smart and accomplished. Honestly, there's no slowing down and I do put immense pressure on myself because if I don't rise to the occasion, I'll be one of the people others talk about: underperforming, slow, incompetent.
Well, ultimately it's up to me to decide how much I can take but if any of you have been in this situation and have something to share (or have back-knowledge of other posters who have struggled with a work situation that exacerbated their problems), I would love to hear from you.
Thanks, as always, for your amazing support and insight. You all have helped me more than you could know.
pain is inevitable, suffering optional |
| chickenbone |
Posted - 03/17/2013 : 17:24:01
Vogaluz, my heart goes out to you. I commend you for being so responsible to do the right think for your family. I am just so sorry that it is so hard on you. Right now, the economy sucks and I realize how hard it is for people who are still working. I feel things are so uncertain in the world today.
Is your husband good about understanding and helping you? Is he looking for work and, if so, how is he doing with that?
Only you can decide what to do. Would you be even more stressed out if you quit your job and then have the family face even more difficult financial times? It is so hard to decide what to do. As pspa said, it might help if you could change your way of relating to your job. Are you too intense and putting too much pressure on yourself? |
| plum |
Posted - 03/17/2013 : 16:43:03
Hello sweetheart,
I just wrote a comment and the Internet ate it.
Can't really remember all I said...
I am a lover of herbal-lore and believe it's worth exploring Horse Chestnut extract. It's superb for venous problems. I realise it's not a substitute for *the tms work* but it is harmonious and healing. Can rustle up a link if you need one.
Sorry for brevity. Shall post before net monster gobbles this too. |
| pspa123 |
Posted - 03/17/2013 : 16:40:58
Sounds like you have to change thw way you react to the job. That sounds obnoxious I am sure but the issue ultimately is not the job itself but how you perceive it and react to it which at some level is within your control. You are not on a battlefield after all. |
| gigalos |
Posted - 03/17/2013 : 16:26:18
I luckily have a boss that accepts my condition and my TMS explanation. I have to say I live in the Netherlands where employers are better protected when they get 'sick'.
Do you feel it is an option to talk about either getting more authority on the outcome or your work or to lower the responsibility? Maybe only talking about it with your superior lowers your stress... |
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