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Screensize: 640 x 480 800 x 600 1024 x 768 1280 x 1024 UserName: Password: Format Mode: Basic  Help  Prompt  Format: Font Andale Mono Arial Arial Black Book Antiqua Century Gothic Comic Sans MS Courier New Georgia Impact Lucida Console Script MT Bold Stencil Tahoma Times New Roman Trebuchet MS Verdana   Size 1 2 3 4 5 6   Color Black Red Yellow Pink Green Orange Purple Blue Beige Brown Teal Navy Maroon LimeGreen Message: * HTML is OFF * Forum Code is ON Smilies [quote][i]Originally posted by shawnsmith[/i] [br]Dealing with Guilt (only part of a longer article) Howard Schubiner, MD In some situations, there may be little or no anger, but a great deal of guilt may be present. There has been a recent recognition that guilt is often a central feature of the post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) experience. If there are issues in your life that have created guilt or shame, you can use the ISTDP elements to help you heal. Guilt is the feeling that is generated when we believe that we have done something wrong, something that goes against what we were taught and our principles for how people should act. Guilt is often a way of turning anger inward, as in the situation where one has really done nothing wrong, yet continues to blame oneself. This is common among women who have been physically or sexually abused. If you have been in a situation like this, it is imperative to look critically at the situation and determine the truth: that you were really not at fault. You need to stop believing that you did something wrong and work through the methods in this book to turn the anger outward in a healing fashion and direct it towards the offender. However, there are also many cases where we may believe that we really did do something wrong, that we made a terrible mistake, and that people suffered because of this mistake. I have seen this many times and if it is not addressed, it can lead to the development and persistence of Mind Body Syndrome. It is important to understand where guilt comes from in order to deal with it. Guilt comes from parents, families, religions, and cultures that teach us to be "good." Of course, this is a desirable thing in general, but the desire to be good must be tempered with the ability to act in our own best interests and to balance interests of others. No matter what we do, there is a chance that we will disappoint someone by our actions. Learning that this is unavoidable is necessary to live our lives. Most people have rules by which they live and often we are actually unaware of our own rules. In addition, our rules are often unrealistic or unenforceable. Some examples are: I will never make a mistake; I will never disappoint anyone; I will always do the right thing; or I will always be kind. To be human is to break each of these rules sometimes and if we understand that, we can forgive ourselves for breaking such a rule. When we are put in situations that are very difficult, such as abusing relationships, family illness, economic hardship, or combat situations, it is very easy to make a mistake and violate a principle that we hold. Almost everyone has made mistakes that have caused suffering in others. The first step in healing is to understand that feeling guilt is a sign that you are actually a good person who cares about what you do and the effect you have on others. The second step is to realize that you are not the only person who has made mistakes and that it is very easy to make such mistakes when confronted with difficult situations. Since we are often our harshest critic, it is also critical to learn to treat ourselves as we would treat a good friend. You would console friends by telling them that they did the best they could and that making a mistake does not make one a bad person, just a human person. Take some time to tell that to yourself, use the writing exercises to do that as well, and consider the ISTDP-type exercises below. As suggested above, we can often be hard on ourselves. However, it is also important to be able to let go of other people’s expectations of us (sometimes known as guilt trips). It is helpful to understand others but realize that we cannot always please everyone. Sometimes we must say “no.” Learning to do this is part of growing up. In fact, there are times when it is appropriate to be angry with those who lay guilt upon us! I advise expressing this anger verbally or in writing as one would do in relation to someone who harmed you in some way, as described below. Of course, you may need to directly address the issue with the persons involved depending on the situation. One would do that kindly or assertively after expressing the anger in a healthy (and private) manner. Finally, you have to realize that you are an important person, that you need to act to take care of yourself (who else will?), and that you deserve to be happy. While you cannot undo the past, you can forgive yourself for your mistakes and make amends for them. You can move forward with your life. You can act with goodness and kindness towards yourself and towards the people in your life. The first step in healing is to understand that feeling guilt is a sign that you are actually a good person who cares about what you do and the effect you have on others. The second step is to realize that you are not the only person who has made mistakes and that it is very easy to make such mistakes when confronted with difficult situations. Since we are often our harshest critic, it is also critical to learn to treat ourselves as we would treat a good friend. 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