| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| Baseball65 |
Posted - 03/15/2005 : 21:43:47
So...
I'm battling this BS ,and I decide to do some research.I was 100% better and than it comes back today while I'm at work under the tyrrany of a moron.
I found on numerous medical info sites that the autonomic nervous system has numerous functions,all that could be TMS targets.
#1 was always,as Sarno asserts,slow twitch muscle fibre
#2 was the lungs(asthma attacks???)
#3 the heart(murmurs,mitrovalve prolapse)
#4 was the LYMPHATIC system
It also mentioned that when lymphatic systems have cancer their is NO pain associated with them...that saves me a trip to the doctor as mine have been intermittently painful.
...as I read the article,I could feel the pain in my neck curl around my ear....I can banish it with an emotional outburst like "you're outta' here" but it keeps coming back.
I'm now in my full TMS battle regalia ready to assault another covert operation.
I made a list of all the stressors going on...Bankruptcy,feeling pinned down by my idiot of a boss,and one new one I forgot all about.The CMT awards are to be announced this week.
I placed well in them in 2000 and haven't entered since....I turned in much better material this time....Part of me can't stop hoping this is my "turn",but another part of me(the child who is frightened) thinks I am setting myself up for continued heartbreak,a life wasted and shackled to a mundane job that will eventually end in a malaise of renewed drug addiciton and depression...a failure.
The last time I had this particular symptom,I had to play at the Hank Williams junior contest as I had been selected a finalist...I performed poorly and lost....am I subconsciously bracing myself for the pain???
Also...My son has established himself as the "unhittable"pitcher for the area...the buzz in our community is that he is the 'man' to beat.I worked extra hard with him in the offseason,and I'm sick enough to think that if he doesn't perform up to the hype surrounding his abilities,it will reflect on what a poor parent I have been.I am as nervous for his season to start as he is,though mine is all good and repressed(i've felt nothing)
He has the intuitive wherewithal to tell me almost every day."Dad...I'm nervous about this year and all the expectations"...I respond: "Just go out and do your best...the chips will fall where they should" all calmly and matter of fact,when deep down inside,I want my son to have what I never had....to be excellent at something.
Lots of turmoil and conflicts....and I'm going to be writing more in the morning...who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men....The SARNO knows(lOL!)
Lymph function IS regulated by the autonomic...another TMS equivalent.
research assistant baseball65 checking out
peas and carrots and piece's of P's
Marc
Baseball65 |
| 12 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| Baseball65 |
Posted - 03/18/2005 : 10:48:49
Hi Albert.
You know,when I was OK "under the mast" so to speak,I was perceiving it just so...as a learning experience.One of the lessons I thought I needed to learn,was how to let people be wrong and still function in their environs....I have always been a Gabriel of sorts...
In the past ,whenever a situation was ridiculous and out of hand,I was the one to confront,illuminate or challenge it...I thought by quietly accepting his unjustness I was learning a lesson in growth,and it seeemed that way while I was in a "good" state of mind.
As my external circumstances have 'deteriorated' a bit,I no longer had this "insight" if you will,of viewing it as a learning experience...
My spiritual mentor once told me the difference between pain and suffering : Pain is part of growth and learning,whereas Suffering is without meaning and ongoing mindlessly.
Previously,I was only in pain...I feel that in its redundancy it has melted into suffering
I took the day off today to write,read and introspect.
I do not think I am going to work for him anymore,or at least for as long as I can hold out financially...I have a little money saved,and I am going to vigorously pursue starting my own gig....perhaps that is the NuDge I have been needing and this will be a positive motivating episode(in retrospect)
Thanks,and any ideas are always appreciated..
peas' carrots and pickled asparagus
Baseball65 |
| Albert |
Posted - 03/18/2005 : 10:00:43
Baseball65:
It sounds like your boss needs you more than you need him. He probably isn't fully conscious of how much of a jerk he is. You seem to be interested in spirituality. Perhaps this is an opportunity for you to grow and in the process you might wise your boss up a bit. Even if you end up working with him for a few years, this isn't very long considering how long your existence is. Perhaps instead of viewing the situation so negatively, you might view it as a challenge that in the long run will help you grow. Sorry to get so new agey with you, but I believe that it is very possible that we are here to learn. Sieze the opportunity and trust your inner strength. Be the master of your own universe. It isn't all about rage. |
| Baseball65 |
Posted - 03/17/2005 : 18:07:15
Hi Fox
Funny you should mention that...that's why this forum rules..
Now that you mention it...I've been driving to and from work with HIM!!!
I used to look forward to the drive time...believe it or not,driving around here is pleasant...country lanscapes,little traffic...I used to do the Gestalt thing in my car.
For some reason,he LIKES me to drive with him...some sort of sick control thing....he has no friends,and I imagine he's lonely...I always try to make a reason why I need to drive myself,but he always pressures me to carpool.
Lately I'll work 6 hours and come home exhausted like I worked 10...when I was driving myself,I'd work 8 and come home feeling refreshed....the second I was off work I was free of him!!
Yesterday was particularly hellish.He told me to go around and patch walls "where ever it is necessary"....so I began going around this job hitting all the spots I had TOLD him two weeks ago would NOT fly with the client(rage)....halfway across the room,he comes out and yells/scolds me publicly : "What are you doing??,......I TOLD you to ONLY patch the stuff by the baseboards!!""
fortunately/unfortunately the electrician,who is a buddy,said calmly and firmly "No...I heard you plain as day tell him to patch the walls WHERE EVER it was necessary"
My boss stammered: "Uhh...No...I mean...well,..did I say?...well WHATEVER...just patch it by the baseboards"
I knew I was in for it than...he always contradicts himself as to directives all day long(and than patronizes/condescends/humiliates the rest of the time)....Now he had been officially 'exposed' by someone who he has no control over.
Rather than apologize for yelling,he simply made some lame excuses...and as predictable as the sunrise laid into me double hard the NEXT time I did something that I was unable to telepathically guess he wanted done...
I took tomorrow off just to get away from the A-hole.
....and not spend and extra 2 hours driving to and from work with him...
You guys and gals are giving me some very good leads....more to examine..
Thanks
pea's and carrots and lima beans
Baseball65 |
| Fox |
Posted - 03/17/2005 : 15:32:58
Just a thought....Having the sore throat during work hours seems symbolic of suppressing the urge to yell out in anger -- maybe at your boss? Are you trying the private scream-in-your-car routine to let out some of that anger stored up in your body? Would it help to hit a heavy bag (or to perform some other fantasy violent/aggressive action)while visualizing the target being your boss? (I know, I know, I'm back to recommending the heavy bag as a cure-all, but hey, it sure works for me -- the only problem is you have to find 30-45 minutes in your schedule away from your kids to hit/kick the bag plus time to shower afterwards.) |
| Baseball65 |
Posted - 03/17/2005 : 12:46:27
Hi Albert...
I wake up every morning fine,my throat begins to ache all day at work,I come home and it 'peaks' ...I usually take a nap before baseball,and when I wake up it's gone and doesn't come back until I go to work again,even though I sing,smoke and talk all night long....it HAS to be psychogenic.
I am open to any ideas...I wouldn't know if it's suppressed,right?
Yesterday all my symptoms vanished as I responded to the post on self esteem by Kavita.
I decided to take the rest of the week off....I really think it has to do with work/my boss/feeling trapped/low self-esteem/bankruptcy/fear/rage and a lot of other things...
If I still believed the old deal,I'd take the time off sick.....Now I'm taking the time off to investigate what is going on...
all suggestions help...that's the whole trick with TMS...it's always something your NOT aware of.
Thanks
Marc.
Baseball65 |
| Albert |
Posted - 03/17/2005 : 09:44:33
Baseball 65:
Have you been feeling better? On your recent posts you have talked about things you're conscious of. Is there something unconscious? Remember in one of Sarno's books how he talks about a mother of six children being unconsciously mad about having to take care of them? Does this lady's situation have anything in common with your bankruptcy situation and how you want to feel about your family? Sorry if I'm off mark. I don't have a way of knowing what's going through your mind. |
| Baseball65 |
Posted - 03/17/2005 : 05:44:44
Anne,Stryder..thank you.
Well...it seems better every day,and I've been having a good "practice what you preach" excercise.I'm glad I have TMS,the great equalizer,so I'm still humble enough to ask for a little support when I need it.It's built in and automatic...no batteries required!!
so...we've been attending a group through our church fellowship,on personal growth.
I have always TOLD my wife that I wouldn't care if she dropped her well paying career(which she hates) for something she would rather do that helped people or was more meaningful to her.
Right after I read Kavita's post,I did a bunch of writing and "blam"...this thing subsided to zero...and than....
My wife comes in and tells me she has decided to take me up on that offer,and that she's going to leave her well-paying job to be a Teachers assistant(what she really wants to do)....
and I'm thinking "Uhhh...yeah,but not NOW"...though I'm saying:"That's great honey....leave whenever you want"
NOTE* she's currently the main bread winner in the family
Funny...I felt the terror creep all around me,inside and out.But I have had enough experiences now to know that I'd rather be poor and happy than secure and miserable.That is intellectually...the child inside doesn't always agree.
I'm really glad that this board is here...there aren't that many people in the world who I could talk to about these subjects in context of Mindbody disorder.....even my best friend at work who is subject to the same Bully of a boss ,doesn't understand why he gets to me so....we had a talk about it after work and he says"
"Marc....he's just a dried up cat turd...how can you let him bug you like that??? He's nowhere near the truth...he's like a sick person"
Than I explain the TMS component,and he nods his head..."Yeah...he doesn't make me SICK"...ahhh..if only I could 'blow him off'
I'll keep doing the work.....some of these situations,as Sarno says,do not need any external change for the symptoms to go away...I'm really hoping this is one of them!!
Thanks again.
Marc
Baseball65 |
| Stryder |
Posted - 03/16/2005 : 19:56:24
Hi BB65,
I can certainly relate to your work situation since I was in the same boat last fall. My boss was a complete idiot, blamed me for his bad decisions, and listed in writing in my performance review all things he didn't do as my failings. This went on for 6 months, the guy was not accountable for his actions.
Like yourself, at the time I took it personally, and it took me a while (like buying into TMS) that the whole mess was INDEED his failure. I became really depressed about the whole situation.
I finally "had enough" of his abuse and convinced myself that I was the man, and he was the jerk. You too must, and can, raise yourself mentally above your nemesis and march on.
Having read so many of your sincere posts on this forum, I have 100% faith that you can beat your current dilema and prove victorious. Aim high, keep the faith. You are the man! Make us all proud.
Take care, -Stryder |
| n/a |
Posted - 03/16/2005 : 16:56:05
Hi Marc
One thing that is obvious here; you are giving your son the number one most important thing that you can give him - your time. The fact that you can discuss and laugh with him about issues such as TMS shows a willingness to trust him with issues that are not easy - you are treating him with great respect by doing that.
You have great stressors in your life just now. These things will sort themselves out - don't be hard on yourself - it's ironic, you give such great advice to people having a hard time on this board. You manage to get right to the heart of what others are going through, but you are being hard on yourself in a way that you would never be with anyone else experiencing difficulties.
By the way, you say that you are not excellent at anything - wrong - you are an excellent writer.
Very best wishes
Anne
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| Baseball65 |
Posted - 03/16/2005 : 14:24:47
quote:
I see feelings of inferiority manifesting themselves in your post. Have these feelings been stronger since the return of some of your symptoms? Perhaps you want to look into that?
Hi Kavita,and thanks for the support.
My wife asked what was wrong last night and I told her I was "off center" though I didn't know how...I think you just gave me a clue
All of the things that I have written about in the last few days,here on the board and personally,all revolve around that issue.I don't feel good about myself in any sort of way right now...bankruptcy,minion of a moron,frustrated creatively.
I always prided myself on my financial solvency....I went from being homeless and owning nothing,living in a county run halfway house to being married with two kids,living in a nice neighborhood and having a "normal" life.
Then there were the transition years where I peaked financially,came down with TMS(or rather IT peaked with me) and realized I was doing a lot of things to 'show the world' that I had a reason to occupy a place in it....I made a lot of changes externally and internally.....some that 'the world' might not approve of,but I really wanted...like leaving a high paying job in a glamourous setting to living in the country,being a manual laborer.
Somewhere right about now,after facing bankruptcy,being 40 and not yet having attained the success I had hoped for,I probably am feeling as low of self esteem as I have had in quite a while....all suppressed.Until you just wrote me that reply.
I have a beautiful supportive wife,two great boys and live where I want to live......but I don't feel like I have any POWER...that is,I can't seem to make any of my personal endeavors succeed.I can intellectually comfort myself with all sorts of arguements,but that inner child doesn't seem to care about those reasons for contentment....it wants to be in control of something.Money,music my marriage,,,,hell ..anything!!
I need to not only write about this stuff,but let it sink in,and like any other TMSer I want it NOW!!!
I took the time yesterday and today to read,write and review...The 12 reminders are always huge,particularly the 'turning your thoughts to the psychological when you become aware of the pain'.....that was easy today,as my Boss is an idiot beyond comprehension.
FUNNY side note....My back started to hurt at work this morning...just for a few minutes...and I broke out in laughter!!The people around me must have thought I'd lost my mind.....
I think I'm going to investigate this further on paper.
quote:
I don't understand why your son's athletic performance should reflect on you, after all, it's his body. It's hard to forget about what everyone else thinks, but please remember that isn't important.
As far as my son,I KNOW his success and experience are his own,but I so desperately want him to have a better life than I did.Being a TMSer,I have spawned a TMSer(he gets it already...and knows how to treat it!)
You are 100% correct,but common sense is often at odds with emotion in sports.
The connection Dads have with their sons is a ridiculous stereotype...and absolutely true!!
Him and I talk about it all the time....and laugh about it.
Thanks so much for your support...I really appreciate it.
pea's and carrots
peace
Baseball65 |
| MikeC |
Posted - 03/16/2005 : 14:13:33
Marc,
The low self-esteem from that last post is too much for me to stand. Kavita is right. You are an excellant father. For some reason in this society, things like being good at parenting, spending time with your kids, etc. gets replaced by working long hours to suck up to your boss, driving the newest car, and having the biggest home that you can find. We thrive for materialism and judge ourselves accordingly.
Growing up, I never spent time with my Dad. He was always working weekends and he was exhausted after work. I still loved him and I understood that he was doing it for the family but I would had given anything for some more weekends together. The fact that you are helping your son with this speaks volumes about your character. YOu may not realize that but your son does at that is what's most important.
One last thing. You are an excellant TMS forum contributor. I have seen some of the lengths of your posts and the insightfulness of them. You may not think they counted for much but they saved my sanity a few times. I think a lot of our fellow forum members would agree.
In the end, whether your son can throw heat, snap off a sharp curveball, or throw wicked sliders, it won't make much difference in the end. The fact that you did it together will mean more years from now. People who are so wrapped up about him achieving star status are the same people worried about the materialistic garbage that I mentioned earlier.
Mike C |
| Kavita |
Posted - 03/16/2005 : 12:56:24
Marc,
You are excellent at many things, the first of what comes to mind is being a great dad. It means everything to a child to have the kind of support you are giving your son.
I don't understand why your son's athletic performance should reflect on you, after all, it's his body. It's hard to forget about what everyone else thinks, but please remember that isn't important. You are a great dad, period.
You are also an excellent mentor to all the members of our board, continually contributing with your posts. You are an inspiration to the rest of us to keep working hard.
I am sorry about the stresses you face; unfortunately, life is not fair. But at the end of the day, you have done what counts. You are an excellent person, which means you have the best kind of excellence there is.
I see feelings of inferiority manifesting themselves in your post. Have these feelings been stronger since the return of some of your symptoms? Perhaps you want to look into that?
We're here for you, baseball. |
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