| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| Dr. Zafirides |
Posted - 01/24/2013 : 07:54:09
Hi Everyone!
I'm sorry I haven't been around for a while, but the demands of my practice have really limited my free time. But we have gotten past the administrative changes of the new year and I hope to be on the forum more consistently.
I am finishing up this week's podcast today, where I discuss the psychology of habits - especially bad ones. I discuss how our mind works to create patterns of thought and behaviors. I think it has real application in TMS, so I hope you enjoy it.
In the meantime, I thought you would find this study on loneliness fascinating. Feeling lonely increases inflammation and negatively impacts our immune system:
http://www.thehealthymind.com/2013/01/20/loneliness-is-bad-for-our-health/
I hope you find the information helpful.
Also, I haven't forgotten about your request to share my story of getting through the pain of TMS. I just want to take a little bit of time to write it out in a way that is the most helpful to everyone.
You have my word I will post it here.
All My Best,
Dr. Zafirides |
| 14 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| Dr. Zafirides |
Posted - 01/25/2013 : 09:20:01
quote:
Definitely agree that lonely is state of mind. But I also think in the past you've alluded to humans being pack animals, and I think there is truth to that. Are there excptions? Sure. But you've made a good good case in the past as to why we don't see TMS as much in third world countries... and that other cultures are more family oriented.
I think you're definitely on target. Just watched a special on National Geographic about stress. (It's on Netflix if interested.) They state in no uncertain terms that Western culture fosters the most stress-related illness. I believe this topic is a big part of it.
Bryan,
There has been a huge evolutionary advantage to human beings living in groups. Early in man's history, being part of a group meant survival - literally life or death - as living in the savannah alone greatly increased your odds of being another animal's dinner. Those individuals that were able to assimilate peacefully in groups benefitted from the protection a group offered - survival. They lived and reproduced. This psychological trait of "playing well with others" was an evolutionary advantage. In that, this psychological trait was passed on.
In fact, evolutionary psychologists believe that our fear of public speaking is linked to that evolutionary past. The fear is not of actually speaking in public, but of making a mistake or being unprepared and then being embarrassed in front of a large group of your peers. Many people fear public speaking more than they do death! But it makes sense. To be embarrassed in public means you feel ostracized from the group. This would have meant certain death in prehistoric times, as one would face the threats of the wild alone. That trait today manifests itself as an all-out terror of public speaking.
We don't want to be alone. It is a core, existential anxiety, no matter what the origin of that anxiety actually is. It is what makes us human. But when that Existential Onion peels away and we face that fear of isolation, our mind will do what it needs to survive (create the pain of TMS, for example) and move away from that painful existential anxiety.
-PZ |
| Dr. Zafirides |
Posted - 01/24/2013 : 22:49:33
quote:
Someone once said on this forum: being alone lonely is alot better than being in a relationship we don't want to be in.
Balto,
Great points and I couldn't agree more with your thoughts. I see a big difference in being "alone" and true loneliness. Here's how I see the difference...
Alone is when you go grab some dinner at a restaurant by yourself.
Loneliness is when you go grab dinner at a restaurant by yourself...on Thanksgiving Day.
It is a basic need to want our existence validated. We need to know we matter, that we are.
Love and kindness and compassion and caring - these are the antidotes to the existential anxiety of aloneness. They are also the keys to our healing.
We are all so very powerful...
Kindly,
Dr. Zafirides
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| balto |
Posted - 01/24/2013 : 13:54:55
quote:
Originally posted by bryan3000
Definitely agree that lonely is state of mind. But I also think in the past you've alluded to humans being pack animals, and I think there is truth to that. Are there excptions? Sure. But you've made a good good case in the past as to why we don't see TMS as much in third world countries... and that other cultures are more family oriented.
I think you're definitely on target. Just watched a special on National Geographic about stress. (It's on Netflix if interested.) They state in no uncertain terms that Western culture fosters the most stress-related illness. I believe this topic is a big part of it.
I still think belonging in a pack, belong in a meaningful relationship, belong in a close circle of friends and loveones are very important for us human, Bryan. Healthy relationships have very soothing, protective effect on our health. It lessen the negative effect of stress. It promote health and healing, it make a big life problems smaller and easier to manage or endure. Imagine if we just lost a loveone, if we're all alone crying and if we're surrounded by good friends and supportive relatives, which one do we think our body would prefer?
The example above of people who choose to live alone I gave is just to show my thought that being lonely and happy being lonely are different. When we have strong purpose in life, when we confidence and content within ourself, within our mind, we don't feel lonely while living alone. Those people are alone but not lonely. (but they will not benefit from the positive effect people in a caring, loving relationships enjoy)
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No, I don't know everything. I'm just here to share my experience. |
| plum |
Posted - 01/24/2013 : 12:56:44
Shawn and Susan,
This is a quickie as I'm cooking but wanted to mention that in some ways I relate totally. I'm actually quite the solitary at heart and I realise that because I don't honour my need for solitude and silence each day, I get wound up and overwhelmed. To quote Bukowski;
"Do you hate people?
I don't hate them...I just feel better when they're not around."
I don't know how you feel about Jung's personality types but for me discovering my type and learning about it helped a lot. I'm INFJ. A rare and apparently complex type, and the one most likely to become a monk or nun. I'm very drawn to that life.
This ties in with Balto's sage thoughts here.
I do also think that being alone too much causes emotions to stew. We all need a shakedown sometimes and company, the right company, is perfect for that. |
| chickenbone |
Posted - 01/24/2013 : 12:38:22
Thank-you Dr. Z for taking time out of your busy schedule. I will listen to it as soon as I can
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| susan828 |
Posted - 01/24/2013 : 12:17:20
Shawn, I could almost echo your post. I was also the class clown. You have probably heard the theory about why people become comedians/laughing on the outside, crying on the inside. I have a lot of acquaintances that call me and want to spend time with me. This year my health anxiety has gotten so out of hand that I fear I will get symptoms when I am with them and have to leave.
I posted last year that I went to a club to see a friend sing. The pain started (with me, teeth usually) and I could not join them afterwards. I so much wanted to but walked to the train crying. I told them I was tired. I think I posted here the next day in frustration because this is ruining my life. I am very outgoing, people think I am Miss Cheerful...I guess I am grateful that I have this exterior and much of the time I am cheerful. I love talking with people but like you, I choose to be alone and as a result, think too much and dwell on the bad stuff. I envy my parents who had a house full of people, kids, relatives every weekend. A family that I never had as an adult.
Having no family nearby and a best friend who lives in another state, it is very lonely. I have tons of telephone friends but few people who would really be there for me if I need them and it is so scary.
Waking up and realizing what my life is like is just such a lousy feeling. But I am trying, reading, listening to the fantastic people on this board and hopefully starting TMS therapy soon when my insurance kicks in. |
| bryan3000 |
Posted - 01/24/2013 : 12:14:24
quote:
Originally posted by balto
Thanks for the article Dr Z. Very interesting informations.
I do think loneliness also depend on our mentality. Being alone does not neccessary mean one will feel lonely. I think we only feel lonely if we have a "victim" mentallity, if we feel there is a need to be with someone or be in a relationship. There are many people perfectly happy being alone.
Few years ago I met a Christian monk from Greek. He told me the best time of his life is when he join a monestary somewhere high in a mountain of Greek and took a vow of silent for a year. For a whole year he spend 23 hours a day in pray alone like all the monks there. They only have about an hour a day having meal together, in silent. He told me he never feel better.
Some Buddhist monk of the Forest tradition in Thailand and India spend years alone meditation and living in cave and jungle. They are happy and content living like that for years and obviously pretty healthy too.
I have quite a few friends who chose to be single and live alone for life. They seem pretty content and are much more happy than many of my married friends. I guess it all depend on our mentallity, if one choose to be alone doesn't mean one is lonely. We are only lonely if we feel there is a need to be with someone or if we think somehow our life is not complete without someone.
Someone once said on this forum: being alone lonely is alot better than being in a relationship we don't want to be in.
------------------------
No, I don't know everything. I'm just here to share my experience.
Definitely agree that lonely is state of mind. But I also think in the past you've alluded to humans being pack animals, and I think there is truth to that. Are there excptions? Sure. But you've made a good good case in the past as to why we don't see TMS as much in third world countries... and that other cultures are more family oriented.
I think you're definitely on target. Just watched a special on National Geographic about stress. (It's on Netflix if interested.) They state in no uncertain terms that Western culture fosters the most stress-related illness. I believe this topic is a big part of it.
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| Peregrinus |
Posted - 01/24/2013 : 10:38:03
Dr. Z:
Is this article about loneliness or “poor-quality relationships”? The two terms are seemingly used interchangeably but are horses of a different color. I would submit that someone in a “poor-quality relationships” is too occupied to be lonely and is probably not thinking about new acquaintances.
Also, the subjects selected for this study are so compromised that any results are suspect. To quote the article: “The results are based on a series of studies conducted with two populations: a healthy group of overweight middle-aged adults and a group of breast cancer survivors.” Members of both components of this sample would be likely to have a poor self image and would avoid relationships. Depending on their treatment, cancer patients would be expected to have a degraded immune response.
I realize that the referenced article is only a synopsis of the research paper but nevertheless it makes one wonder….
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| shawnsmith |
Posted - 01/24/2013 : 09:33:28
I have often wondered if my aloneness has contributed to my health issues. I am, for the most part of my week, like a monk in that I spend almost no time interacting with others and have been like this for a long time. There have been times I would feel what could be described as lonely, but then I also know that interacting with other people for any period of time can be either personally annoying or un-fulfilling. But being alone has also given me a lot of time to think about my symptoms and I don't feel that has served me well either. If you saw me you would think I was outgoing and filled with energy, but I tend to stick to myself. It may be due to fear of rejection, criticism or just being mis-understood. It's funny, but I am still remembered as the class clown from my school days. |
| bryan3000 |
Posted - 01/24/2013 : 09:21:24
Balto has been a big promoter of this theory here for some time now and it has always made sense. Great posts all around. Thanks Dr. Z. |
| pspa123 |
Posted - 01/24/2013 : 09:07:31
My second Robert Frost post of the day. In Desert Places he writes of the terrifying nature of loneliness.
And lonely as it is, that loneliness
Will be more lonely ere it will be less -
A blanker whiteness of benighted snow
WIth no expression, nothing to express.
They cannot scare me with their empty spaces
Between stars - on stars where no human race is.
I have it in me so much nearer home
To scare myself with my own desert places. |
| balto |
Posted - 01/24/2013 : 08:54:09
Thanks for the article Dr Z. Very interesting informations.
I do think loneliness also depend on our mentality. Being alone does not neccessary mean one will feel lonely. I think we only feel lonely if we have a "victim" mentallity, if we feel there is a need to be with someone or be in a relationship. There are many people perfectly happy being alone.
Few years ago I met a Christian monk from Greek. He told me the best time of his life is when he join a monestary somewhere high in a mountain of Greek and took a vow of silent for a year. For a whole year he spend 23 hours a day in pray alone like all the monks there. They only have about an hour a day having meal together, in silent. He told me he never feel better.
Some Buddhist monk of the Forest tradition in Thailand and India spend years alone meditation and living in cave and jungle. They are happy and content living like that for years and obviously pretty healthy too.
I have quite a few friends who chose to be single and live alone for life. They seem pretty content and are much more happy than many of my married friends. I guess it all depend on our mentallity, if one choose to be alone doesn't mean one is lonely. We are only lonely if we feel there is a need to be with someone or if we think somehow our life is not complete without someone.
Someone once said on this forum: being alone lonely is alot better than being in a relationship we don't want to be in.
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No, I don't know everything. I'm just here to share my experience. |
| plum |
Posted - 01/24/2013 : 08:11:37
Thank you so much.
I have some time later when I can listen to and read both. |
| shawnsmith |
Posted - 01/24/2013 : 08:06:38
Thanks for your presence on this message board Dr. Zafirides and sharing some of your knowledge and experience. It is much appreciated.
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