| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| mala |
Posted - 01/12/2013 : 04:38:48
What can I say. Haven't posted much lately haven't really felt like it. Maybe coz it will sound same old same old.
Gentle exercise caused more back pain. On my right side. Thought that wasn't supposed to happen plus exacerbated neck shoulder pain too. This time back pain has radiated to the front. Was so bad I neded help getting out of bed. With the back pain came gut pain too & then burning after peeing. Not during but after. Went for urine test which came back clear. Had pet scan which was mostly normal except. Fot this. I have a lobulated uterus , retrovered & angled to the right. Dense mass measuring 6 x 6 x6 cm on right of uterus. Non cancerous. Back doc says its the reason for pain. Gynea says he's not sure. Anyway last few weeks have been nightmare. Most days don't want to get out of bed let alone do anything else. Have tried to accept the pain, repudiate the symptoms, self talk. FEAR has taken over big time.
I go back to balto & Ace. But how the hell does one not fear or go about daily things without strain when in such pain. I try and can't do it. Affirmations as well but they sound insincere under the circumstances. Body is a mss of tight tense muscles & nerves. Fists clenched all the time due to pain.
Arrrrrrgh.
Mala
Mala Singh Barber. I'm on facebook. Look me up
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| 20 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| altherunner |
Posted - 01/30/2013 : 21:05:20
I used one of Dr. Weiss's self hypnosis cds to do my regressions. It worked really well. If you have a therapist that does it, may be better for you. I am kind of cheap, the first couple of times I borrowed one from the library. I had one scary regression, and experienced a violent death. After, I felt better, and relaxed, although I didn't try again for a while. The other times were more interesting and not scary at all. |
| mala |
Posted - 01/30/2013 : 20:46:33
Hi Al thx for the post. Its quite interesting that you mention past lives & regressions because my therapist brought this up in my first session. Being Indian and a Hindu I have been brought up with the idea of reincarnation & have heard many stories about past lives. I like the idea of reincarnation becoz it keeps me honest in this life. I do not want to come back as a cockroach.
With reincarnation also comes the idea of karmic debt & therefore also karmic credit. I have been questioning this idea. You see I can forgive someone if they have hurt me in this life & I can also atone & ask for forgiveness if I have hurt someone in turn. When we talk about past hurts as atonement & forgiveness, I get stuck because how do I forgive or ask for forgiveness if I don't know what I have done.
Interestingly my therapist said I could ask for general forgiveness & release from debt & also forgive & release others from any debt owed to me.
Guess it boils down to acceptance & forgiveness in general.
Mala Singh Barber. I'm on facebook. Look me up
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| altherunner |
Posted - 01/30/2013 : 20:04:10
Hi Mala - I have been reading Dr. Weiss for some time, he has helped me with some odd habits/obsessions I had, that I gave up. I was obsessed with blacksmithing, mostly knives and axes, and collecting guns and knives. I found this odd, because I don't hunt. My regressions revealed a past related to this. It did help very much with fear of death, and fear in general. In his latest book, he does write about many people relieved of symptoms. It is a good read, if nothing else for you. There is another author, Dr. Ian Stevenson, that studied many cases of reincarnation, mostly children in India. He was a professor at a university in Virginia. His books are older, they are at the library here, and maybe online also. |
| Ace1 |
Posted - 01/29/2013 : 21:37:28
Mala, I'm not going to lie to you and say this process is easy, esp in someone who has severe tms like you. Even with the list I gave you it is very difficult. This is not to disway you but for you to know what your up against and how much work you have to do. I listed those keys to healing to help guide you and help you to know what you should avoid and how you should go about things. The funny thing though is you probably won't really believe it until you prove it to yourself which is ok, bc I know I'm right with what I wrote. Keep at it and don't give up and you will very slowly heal and that's ok.
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| mala |
Posted - 01/29/2013 : 21:02:16
Aussie, I have thought about this and can’t really understand why. Maybe I can just randomly write a few points & see if there is anything that comes up.
1. Most people here or TMSers in general, say that they have had problems on & off since childhood. This is not true for me. I was a very healthy person till I was 40 despite some childhood issues.
2. The back pain started a year after I had fibroid surgery in which 7 fibroids were cut from my uterus. The largest was 11cm. Funnily I never experienced any pain with the fibroids at all & the only way I found I had them was during a regular check up. They had to be removed coz they were getting big and I had difficulty wearing jeans etc.
3. I have had periods when there was no pain & I have discovered that those periods are usually between October & Feb when the season is dry here in HK otherwise humidity is usually in the high nineties.
4. I haven’t been able to fins a connection between journaling & getting better.
5. In 2008 I was taking one 200mg long release ibuprofen a day. In October that year I ended in hospital for 4 days bleeding. A colonoscopy showed massive ulcers in my colon, which the doctor thinks is a result of the painkillers.
6. Since my fibroid operation I have discovered that I have a retroverted uterus with more fibroids, the largest being 6cm x 6 cm x6 cm which could be the cause of my pain.
7. Because of the lack of an accurate diagnosis I have doubts.
8. The neck & knee pain I feel are a result of me tensing up my muscles becoz of the back pain.
9. My stomach problems are most likely becoz of the fear & state of anxiety I am in as a result of the constant pain.
10. Being on this forum has taught me a lot about myself & I have gained much from other people’s experiences & posts but the pain has not abated.
Pls feel free to comment or ask anything you want.
Al, I checked out the book. It seems to be about past lives & regression. Is that right? Has it helped you?
Mala
Mala Singh Barber. I'm on facebook. Look me up
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| altherunner |
Posted - 01/28/2013 : 21:31:34
Hi Mala - sorry to hear you are still struggling. Just wanted to reccomend a book I got for Christmas - "Miracles Happen" by Brian Weiss and Amy Weiss. It's not a tms book, but it has a lot of inspiring stories of healing. I have only seen it in hardcover, but it may be available as a download. |
| mala |
Posted - 01/27/2013 : 18:44:13
Aussie, no problems whatsoever. That is a very good question indeed & I need to think how I am going to answer that because I am just as baffled as you are  .
Andy, the note taking idea is a good one but how did you do it discreetly without winding your mom up & making her get defensive? OK ignore this question. I read yr post again & you say you went back to your room & wrote things down.
My relationship with my mother is complicated in that she is not entirely bad. She does love me very much & I love her too but she is emotionally very immature & very unforgiving & negative. It's her negativity that I find very hard to deal with. Every time she opens her mouth it is to say something negative either about someone or some situation. This winds me up Andy coz she has everything going for her and yet she is so blind to it all. There are millions who would want to be in her shoes honestly.
My therapist told me the other day that when she starts saying something negative to not engage. By engaging her I am allowing myself to be dragged down to her level. So she advised me to just say ' yes you are right mom' and leave it at that coz then she wouldn't get the opportunity to continue which is what she really wants.
It made a lot of sense to me & I will tell you in my next post how I used that strategy successfully.
Mala
Mala Singh Barber. I'm on facebook. Look me up
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| andy64tms |
Posted - 01/27/2013 : 09:42:10
Exactly Mala, Pspa123. The poem says it well
Sometimes we have to express the truth about our relationships with our parents, and it doesn't come out too well. The hard part is accepting this without bitterness. Mala two years before my mum died I visited her in Spain for the very last time. I was with her for two weeks and as she sucked the life out of me with her egotistical and selfish ways. For many days I went to my room and made exact notes of the disturbing conversations we had. I did this for myself, to catalog the truth of what was said. I refer to the notes occasionlly as I reconcile and diminish my bitterness. Mala take notes, least you forget the truth. I would be interested in hearing if your therapist agrees.
Andy
Past TMS Experience in 2000, with success.
Stopped Wiki Edu Program in lieu of own journalling
Charlie Horse on neck for 20 years, is almost gone.
Books:
Healing Back Pain
Unlearn your Pain
The Great Pain Deception |
| Aussie |
Posted - 01/26/2013 : 22:25:04
Hi Mala, I have a question that I hope you don't find too personal and understand why I'm asking.. Like probably everyone who visits this site I like to search posts from years ago to find hidden gems and search for people who have similar symptoms to me yet have found relief.
There is so much gold written from previous years and to be honest many of the stories and eventual success that people have with their pain is what keeps me going when I'm hurting. My question is that when I read posts from you from years ago you seem cured from Tms pain and were very positive.
Now you seem to be struggling and having a hard time. I wanted to ask you about this to get your story on how or why you seem to have gone backwards, despite being very knowledgable on Tms.
If its too personal to answer here I completely understand. |
| mala |
Posted - 01/26/2013 : 20:38:29
pspa12, maybe its pessimistic but its also very true & very well written when you consider the complicated message Larkin has expressed in what is essentially a very short poem. The message is something many people can relate to considering it was voted one of the Nation’s favorite poems by British television viewers.
Its clear that the message resonates with a lot of people. Many here have childhood issues that relate to their parents be it abuse, neglect, divorce or whatever else. If we can somehow realise that our own parents are perhaps victims themselves of the previous generation, we can maybe forgive them, heal ourselves & move on. I think this poem can also make us reflect on how we are raising our own children.
Of interest is a link to an article taken from the Daily Mail, April 29, 2009 in which a judge quoted this poem in a divorce case.
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1175058/Judge-quotes-Philip-Larkins-This-Be-The-Verse-divorced-parents-emotionally-damaged-boy.html
Mala
Mala Singh Barber. I'm on facebook. Look me up
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| pspa123 |
Posted - 01/25/2013 : 06:45:15
If I am reading that right, what a pessimistic poem, ouch!! |
| mala |
Posted - 01/25/2013 : 04:39:23
Andy, thx for your post.In my sessions with this therapist I am seeing , I am learning ways to deal with my mother so that it doesn't get to me. I have been instructed not to engage with her when she says something that I find hard to swallow. I see a lot of sense in that. She is a woman who has had a difficult past which has colored her judgement about many things & she does not want to change nor seek any help to change. She can be quite toxic.
By engaging I get dragged down to her level.
I am actually being sucked into a discussion which I don't want coz there is never any resolution so I come away being frustrated.
So when she starts something negative which she always does, I just say 'Yes that's right' & leave it at that. I tried that a couple times today & I could see she didn't like it but it worked for me.
I am learning to detach myself so that I don't get hurt.
At the moment she is not talking to my sister so I am the one who gets called on for everything. Not financially coz so very well off herself but for other stuff. It can get quite intense.
This poem by Philip Larkin is just so spot on
This Be the Verse
By Philip Larkin
They **** you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.
But they were ****ed up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another’s throats.
Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don't have any kids yourself.
Take care Andy.
Mala
Mala Singh Barber. I'm on facebook. Look me up
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| andy64tms |
Posted - 01/24/2013 : 09:29:08
Hi Mala
I posted to you for this reason, you said:
”What keeps coming up is my relationship with my mom”.
For you see Mala dear, the years before my mum died my mother’s pain was 99% emotional and physiological; she was extremely difficult and egotistical to deal with.
I realize now the poisons of her self centered life and the loss of what could have been for her, the regrets that she had were surfacing, for she had such an unhappy life. She died in absolute anger, learning that her daughter was robbing her blind.
Two years has passed since, and now I know of her pain, I can only forgive her for her lack of motherhood and caring. I instinctively know I have to do this, but it’s very hard Mala isn’t it? I have read books like Steve’s and now have the understanding and strength to do this, as I am enlightened as to how our mind works, and how we store our pain.
But in truth there is one more step before this can happen. Whilst I was never mean or nasty to her like my siblings, I had evil thoughts for many a day. These thoughts were for my protection, for it was a painful and anxietious time for me, I was frightened. The only way to reconcile with myself and my present lovely family was to think these thoughts. So I have read in Dr Schubie’s book and others to forgive myself, but its hard Mala Isn’t it? Mom, dad, sister and brother, if I can forgive one, the rest may follow.
Thank you for making me write about this, I am now committed to forgiveness, for to write in public is the first affirmation of our desires.
I wish you well, so does my cat Tessa.
Andy
Past TMS Experience in 2000, with success.
Stopped Wiki Edu Program in lieu of own journalling
Charlie Horse on neck for 20 years, is almost gone.
Books:
Healing Back Pain
Unlearn your Pain
The Great Pain Deception |
| balto |
Posted - 01/24/2013 : 04:30:01
Yes Mala, I was in the north of Thailand, near the border with Lao and Burma. We were working with the Burmese refugees and hill tribe people. It can get pretty chilly at night there. And yes the foods was so good there.
When I'm not healed yet, I used to get very emotional when I watch any War related movie or love movie. Now I don't have that problem anymore. I guess we're much more emotionally sensitive when under the tms spell.
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No, I don't know everything. I'm just here to share my experience. |
| mala |
Posted - 01/23/2013 : 19:34:37
Hey Balto & Andy.
Balto, Are you somewhere in the North of Thailand? Hope you are enjoying all that lovely food like Spicy sausages with Naam Prik Noom & Larb etc. So yummy I can almost smell it here. I ask if you are in the North coz you mentioned the weather being not too hot or cold.
I have promised Ace that i will slow down & do my affirmations & I realise that its going to take time. I have also started seeing an 'all round therapist' (more about that later) who has also given me affirmations to work with.
I guess I have a healthy amount of skepticism & a thick skin when it comes to affirmations. Deep down inside perhaps my unconscious knows that all too well.
Andy good to have you back on the forum. Actually I don't have problems with tears. Maybe its a woman thing. In fact the older I get the more I realise what a softy I can be. Often I am moved to tears when watching a video especially about animals and old people or listening to a song from the past .
Couple years back a went into a bookshop (funnily enough in Thailand balto). I can't read books about animals coz I just start crying on the first page but I picked up Marley & Me on impulse. I read the first 10 pages & then the last 5. Just then my husband walked up & saw my eyes. One look & he said 'Oh no, Is it a dog book'? :)
I will write about my experience with this therapist I'm seeing in a separate post later.
Take care all
Mala
Mala Singh Barber. I'm on facebook. Look me up
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| mala |
Posted - 01/23/2013 : 17:47:14
Thanks for asking plum. It goes something like this.
Arrrrrrrgh!
I am calm, confident, patient & relaxed.
Arrrrrrrgh!
I am calm, confident patient & relaxed.
Arrrrrrgh!
And so it continues..........
Mala
Mala Singh Barber. I'm on facebook. Look me up
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| plum |
Posted - 01/23/2013 : 14:46:13
Are you rested my sweet poet?
How are you? x |
| mala |
Posted - 01/22/2013 : 21:21:39
Plum beautiful poem. Here's one from me.
Andy & Balto - will post soon.
Dreams……
which take form and shape
to delight or haunt?
One wonders, what TMS is trying to tell me.
Is it an angel telling me that I have yet something to learn
Or is it the devil keeping me locked
into this nightmare
from which I may never awake
to the true calling of my soul.
I am weary now of too
many feelings.
I simply want to rest.
Mala Singh Barber. I'm on facebook. Look me up
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| plum |
Posted - 01/21/2013 : 14:08:22
Mala love,
Relax, life is sweet and you,
wonderful woman, you
are a child of dreams.
tms is one more dream,
our fears robed and draped and trembling,
a simple explanation of something much greater...
the soul,
so magnificent that it pulls another dream over its glory.
Woman IS mystery.
i can almost touch you, beautiful mala,
all is well.
Stop your labours, cease trying.
Relax baby,
life is just the harvest of our feelings. |
| andy64tms |
Posted - 01/21/2013 : 12:45:02
Mala,
sorry to hear of your troubles, Balto is dead on about tears. I had an experience this week, and as a man admits to crying about a mere song I heard on Utube. Here is my post.
http://www.tmshelp.com/forum/topic.asp?TOPIC_ID=8039
I watched and listened to it four times as tears welled up in my eyes. What was happening? Sheila asked why was I crying and showed concern. I answered. “It’s OK these are tears of relief, tears of regret, tears of guilt over the relationship I had with my dad".
The lyrics of the song say it all for me, even the picture in the video of the military father who had just passed away. My father died 11 years ago, as I flew Spain to see him for the last time, hoping to hear those words from him for the first time. “I love you”. It never happened he died before I got there. In my grief I had to become the peacemaker within my family and ended being the one to speak two eulogies at his last service, as my siblings and mother degraded into their dysfunctional shells.
Sorry, Mala this isn’t about me I digress. The video could apply to your mum whether she is alive or not, since she is still alive the message in the song applies even more as the song is titled "The living years". I know you like music; I find music, songs with messages in their lyrics very powerful as the sound waves merge with my body.
Cry a little its good for you.
Hi Ace, Shawn and Balto, I guess I’m back posting.
Andy
Past TMS Experience in 2000, with success.
Stopped Wiki Edu Program in lieu of own journalling
Charlie Horse on neck for 20 years, is almost gone.
Books:
Healing Back Pain
Unlearn your Pain
The Great Pain Deception |
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