| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| mchan |
Posted - 10/16/2012 : 09:59:01
I have been following my triggers the last week since reading a TMS book and I have noticed my pain is worse when my husband works from home or on the weekends when I wake up to him. He is a very kind, loving, sacrificial man who has loved me so much through all of this. I do have a history of sexual abuse in my past and I understand I have issues with intimacy because I cannot feel comfortable kissing him, but I do love him. We have three kids, I cant just leave for a while to get better! I hope I will be able to overcome this. |
| 20 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| jaya |
Posted - 10/21/2012 : 15:20:19
Dead on shawnsmith...dead on |
| shawnsmith |
Posted - 10/21/2012 : 13:02:27
Speaking of triggers, me and my wife were bickering over some mundane thing yesterday when I got an awful shock in my left toe that almost floored me. It lasted for about 45 minutes then went away. I think there are some unresolved issues between me and her but we have not really discussed them or they are way to subtle for both of us to recognize.
As much as you love someone there is another part of you that recognizes that person keeps you back from many of the things that you want to do and inwardly that makes your angry. |
| Wodg |
Posted - 10/20/2012 : 20:06:03
There was a time when women needed a beta-provider husband, if he was a drinker or skirt chaser the family would end up hungry. In my Grandads era, he grew up without a Dad and was malnourished.
Now, with welfare states (eg Australia,Canada,USA, Northern Europe) women no longer need a beta-provider male because the government is their beta-provider.
This changes the dynamics of attraction. Bad boys reign supreme in this scenario. They are more exiting, unpredictable, dominant but don't stick around or have no cash/future.
However that's OK because women can get welfare and be single mums.
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| mchan |
Posted - 10/20/2012 : 16:26:15
Wow, I hate when that happens. I just typed a long reply and realized I was not logged in, when I hit reply so it dumped my message! Anyway I had never heard the terms alpha or beta before reading this. Interesting information. It is true I do want to be dominated a bit, or "led" so to say. This makes me feel safe. When he does try though I get angry at him. I tell him to be more dominant but I resist when he does. When the mean men dominate I become like a child, a little girl that will do whatever they say. My husband will do anything to make the marriage work and has agreed to find himself outside of me, (however that looks we shall see) I have been in chronic pain the whole 6 years we have been married now so he has take on the caretaker role, even though I never asked him to. He has seen the pain I am in and feels bad so he makes all his decisions around what would make me the most comfortable, we need to learn how to be in a marriage without pain. Chronic pain can ruin a marriage, just because of the dynamic change, I get angry and don't want him to be my nurse, I need a leader! Affirmations make sense as long as I do not go against them all day like you said. I am still trying to figure out how to heal from TMS, I am hoping once I do heal at least him being a "trigger" will stop. |
| Ace1 |
Posted - 10/20/2012 : 11:21:06
Yes but I don't think it's alpha either. I think the perfect example is Jesus. He was a leader, never went with the flow and stood up for his beliefs. However he was loving and forgiving. I would not classify Jesus as an alpha or beta but I think the type of approach we need to have. Forgiving letting go easy but still a leader who stands up or what he believes, but accepts the now. He doesn chase after worldly pleasure except the pleasure of being at peace itself. Just my take on it, I don't think someone has to be Christian to understand this as an example unless they don't know the story. |
| Peregrinus |
Posted - 10/20/2012 : 09:27:10
Can you be present and not a beta? |
| Wodg |
Posted - 10/20/2012 : 08:47:49
Alpha's definitely get TMS.
A mate who as alpha has had back pain, shoulder pain, emergency trips to hospital from severe headaches, swollen ankles and spent 6 months where half of his face dropped (paralysed).
Alpha is a broad term.
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| Ace1 |
Posted - 10/20/2012 : 05:48:31
Disagree with wodg completly. Most of the alpha's are tms'r too. They feel like they have to prove something. The approach is to obtain peace not to fullfil fleeting pleasurable moments. To constantly strive to be the top dog or to try to become something your not, will only contribute to more conflict. I disagree the affirmations won't work. Have you tried them daily, consistently repetitively for a long period of time and eliminate the negative talk while trying to live them? If you haven't then you don't know their power. I have seen their effects in countless people including myself. If however I contradict my affirmations by opposite thoughts and actions all day I agree that they won't work then. I think if mchan takes wodgs advice she will only contribute more strife in her family and worsening of symptoms. |
| Wodg |
Posted - 10/19/2012 : 20:03:33
As you have been together his beta'ness has become worse as comfort sets in.
You want him to be dominant, take charge, push you...and experience the darker side. Frickin tell him now.
The alpha in your husband (you didn't marry him just because he is a nice person) is in there I think his religous upbringing probably destroyed it.
The Alpha's at the top of the churches are getting all the women, all the money and teaching the followers to be good little beta's, donate to the church! never cheat! never steal! delay sex till marriage! All the while they are the biggest crooks and worse.
Your issues are with him and are completely normal. No amount of reaffirmations are going to help you need action. |
| Sam908 |
Posted - 10/19/2012 : 06:57:37
It might be as simple as: your husband is a Beta male, but you're attracted to Alphas. |
| Bugbear |
Posted - 10/19/2012 : 00:49:47
Yes, choosing a mate surely isn't a random act.
My father was a physically abusive bully. Underneath it all I believe he was a frightened child. He was one of five children who was left with his impoverished mother after his dad committed suicide. Some heavy abandonment issues there. I didn't know about the suicide until I was a teenager. My father got drunk one night and blurted it out, bursting into tears. Still I hated him with a passion and wanted to run away all the time. I did carry out my runaway fantasy once but was promptly tracked down.
I married a man who originally had a terrible temper but never as fierce as my own. His dad also died when he was young although not from suicide. I used to sulk for days on end following arguments with him as I did every time my father beat me. My husband even shares physical characteristics with my now late father.
Both of us have mellowed with age. We might get angry with each other but we calm down much sooner. No more days of sulking and Cold War. Yet my runaway fantasies have persisted from early marriage until now. The relationship nearly broke down completely a few years ago because of it. What I really want to run away from is myself, my past, my present and my own personality (the three pees, as described in another recent post). |
| mchan |
Posted - 10/18/2012 : 20:52:35
I can see self esteem being an issue. He claims around me he has "come alive" and was in a shell before me. He waited till marriage to sexually active (very religious) and never dated before me, only one high school girl friend for a few months then he met me 6 years later and we married within 6 months, I was a few years older and much more experienced. I thought he was the perfect man because he had never been with anyone else and treats me like a queen, and yes now I see he had self esteem issues, hence why I made him come alive, but at the time I just thought it was because he was in love. Being in love can make anyone come alive! We all have issues, but his are much less damaging than my past men. I can see how healing will change the dynamic of our relationship. |
| Scottydog |
Posted - 10/18/2012 : 20:17:35
If you were sexually abused, Mchan, then the chances are, even though you think you have chosen the perfect man, that there are issues from your past colouring your choice.
So working on the past issues is going to have effects on your current relationship.
I had an alcoholic father, both me and my sis married what we saw as strong, capable, hard working men. Which they are, but deep down both of them have self esteem issues (due to THEIR upbringing I think) so we were sort of attracted to slightly damaged men, not what we thought we were getting. Not that anyone is to blame or in the wrong but I find as I'm (forever it seems) working on my issues I am uncovering difficulties in my feelings towards my husband. But I think once we get to the core, we will have a happier relationship. |
| Ace1 |
Posted - 10/18/2012 : 11:21:55
yes thats how it works, you dont feel it to be true at first, but with time and practice it becomes true |
| mchan |
Posted - 10/18/2012 : 10:39:30
Ace1- I have not started affirmations yet. I always would start in the past and feel like I was lying to myself and then stop, because it did not “feel” right. Now I understand it will not feel right until my mind is change.
Wodg: I agree with you, I am still sexually attracted to the wrong type of men, but it is due to my abusive upbringing I believe, I am not sure all women are this way. I was attracted to my husband before we married (but still not as passionate like the bad boys), as soon as we got married I lost the passionate attraction which I know has to do with intimacy issues. I have to battle attractions towards men I cannot have now because I am married, men that are married and off limits or the bad boys. I do not act on it, but I wish I could get to a spot of being totally wildly passionate towards my husband and him alone all the time, maybe this is just wishful thinking. I know its normal for us to be attracted to the opposite sex no matter what, I mean just because we marry it does not stop attraction its what you do with that attraction that matters. I just hope to be passionate towards MY man! So, I gotta get working on this TMS. I have just realized I am chronically reading instead of acting. I have read 5 books about TMS now in 3 weeks but whenever I start to work on emotions I find I want to distract myself!
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| Wodg |
Posted - 10/17/2012 : 18:31:27
Reminds me of why women stay with abusive men. The Sex.
Plenty won't agree with me on this. Feminists definitley.
We all have a dark side, I've wrestled with mine with the 'nice guy winning' which put a handbrake on my lovelife in the 00's.
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| Ace1 |
Posted - 10/17/2012 : 18:25:30
As he touches you repeat the affirmation in the back of your mind over and over - I love when my husband touches me. Dont avoid the situation use it to help you overcome. You will decondition yourself |
| mchan |
Posted - 10/17/2012 : 17:10:50
Good advice indeed. I am very lucky, this I know. He is amazing to me, treats me like gold. I know its my past that wants me to go and "repeat" my old wounds. I just wish he did not trigger symptoms in me, I feel it could be a fear of intimacy that he triggers. He is a very touchy man, always touching me and with my past I cant stand being touched by Him, so its a daily battle..I intend to win, and feel intimacy again someday. He is a Godsend really that he continues to love me through all this.
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| balto |
Posted - 10/17/2012 : 15:34:28
My mom and dad's marriage was prearranged. She once told me: "if you and your wife can respect each other you don't really need love to have a successful marriage". I am so thankful that my wife never yell at me or disrespect toward me even when I was completely wronged. I never remember what she gave me for my birthday or Xmas but I never forget how calm and forgiving she was when I made mistake, which I've done plenty.
Being angry at someone is like grabbing red hot coal to throw at that person. We usually hurt ourself much more.
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No, I don't know everything. I'm just here to share my experience. |
| Ace1 |
Posted - 10/17/2012 : 13:12:22
Mchan,
Dont be a leaf being blown by the wind without any control over yourself. Passion always fades, but love is consistant. You are lucky to have a nice man. It is part of your TMS to want more. Dont fall for that or give yourself a way out. The problem is within you not him, I hate to be blunt, but you are very lucky to not be in the trap of an abusive man. Your TMS wants to repeat the past. Dont lead your man to feeling afraid that you could leave him at the drop of a hat. Let him know you have staying power, otherwise you could lead him into TMS, or severe illness. |
