| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| shawnsmith |
Posted - 03/16/2012 : 10:53:31
The follwing are random thoughts on myself and you are free to read or ignore them as you so desire. This is an attempt to understand where I am in my life - or at least how I perceive where I am - and what causes my own stress induced symptoms to persist. I am not going to be very systematic in my words but write as thoughts come to me. I am currently reading Steven Ozanich's book "The Great Pain Deception" and he has a lot of great insights, so maybe some of what he has written has influenced me.
I wonder sometimes if my personal disappointment over my failure to recover is not a metaphor for an overall disappointment in my life in general and the direction it has taken. I will turn 48 next month and I have not achieved very much in my life, or at least that is what I tell myself. I am actually embarrassed to tell others what I do because there are certain societal expectations placed on a man my age which I, for one reason or another, have been either un-willing or unable to live up to. I think that internally this enrages me and, at the very least, fills me with a lot of discomfort, including - like I said - embarrassment as well as feeds into my low self esteem. I see people half my age who have already accomplished much more than I have in life. I have personally started and stopped many tasks without achieving them, but I am not going to list them all here, but only to say that I have not only failed to meet the expectations of others, I have also disappointing myself. This has to be internally enraging.
But I think this has also affected my interactions with others as I have lashed out at people who I feel have been more successful in life than I have as well as command more respect. I feel, in many ways, that I crave respect and recognition yet know deep down inside that I have not done that much to earn it. It enrages me to be ignored. I lash out at people and hit below the belt, especially those who are at a place where I desire to be, in terms of friends, accomplishments, level of respect,etc. I say or do outrageous things to get attention and when I don't get it my inner child becomes enraged. Sometimes the rage comes out, but other times it is masked by the high levels of physical pain I experience in my body on a daily basis. My loneliness, despite the fact I have a loving wife who cares for me deeply, can be rather acute and I have a lot of free time to think about my suffering. But in this life not too many people really care for your well-being as they too are in survival more, and I cannot really blame them. But I place expectations on others I am not willing or able to even meet myself, so in that respect I am a bit hypocritical and this in turn feeds into my internal rage for I want to see myself as a good person. It is totally enraging for me to be at the level that I am at as well as being ignored and disrespected, but then I turn around and do things which causes me to be further ignored and disrespected and a vicious cycle continues. Sometimes I feel so mean and hard on the inside I just want to tell everyone in the world to f-k off but I know that will not accomplish anything.
I hate it that we cannot be open and honest with one another but walk around wearing masks. We have to put on a brave face when on the inside we are jelly. But are afraid to share our true selves for fear of facing ridicule. But what is so shameful for being week and admitting that help is needed?
I feel that over the years no one has really understood me or was able to help me in any substantial way. In other words I feel I have not been given a break, and this too has been enraging. But at the same time, I feel that I am afraid of failure. Yet, as strange as this may sound, I actually do and say things which ensures I fail. It is complicated, but all I know is that it feeds into my inner rage and puts a lot of stress in my life.... |
| 14 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| tennis tom |
Posted - 03/18/2012 : 15:53:49
Hi Shawn,
Dr. Sarno mentions the universal inferiority complex as a trait of TMS'ers, so you're in good company with most of the planet. Given an option of choosing between a superiority or an inferiority complex I think the later put's one into better company.
A couple of questions, how was your relationship with your parents? Is there something you aspire to do well and to be remembered for?
==================================================
DR. SARNO'S 12 DAILY REMINDERS:
www.youtube.com/watch?v=r0dKBFwGR0g
TAKE THE HOLMES-RAHE STRESS TEST
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Holmes_and_Rahe_stress_scale
Some of my favorite excerpts from _THE DIVIDED MIND_ :
http://www.tmshelp.com/forum/topic.asp?TOPIC_ID=2605
==================================================
"It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society." Jiddu Krishnamurti
"Pain is inevitable; suffering is optional." Author Unknown
"Happy People Are Happy Putters." Frank Nobilo, Golf Analyst
"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint." Mark Twain and Balto
======================================================
TMS PRACTITIONERS:
John Sarno, MD
400 E 34th St, New York, NY 10016
(212) 263-6035
Here's the TMS practitioners list from the TMS Help Forum:
http://www.tmshelp.com/links.htm
Here's a list of TMS practitioners from the TMS Wiki:
http://tmswiki.org/ppd/Find_a_TMS_Doctor_or_Therapist
Here's a map of TMS practitioners from the old Tarpit Yoga site, (click on the map by state for listings).:
http://www.tarpityoga.com/2007_08_01_archive.html |
| HilaryN |
Posted - 03/18/2012 : 12:02:53
Hi Shawn, art, TT!
Shawn,
quote:
I feel, in many ways, that I crave respect and recognition yet know deep down inside that I have not done that much to earn it.
This reminds me of a quote in The Presence Process (Michael Brown):
quote:
This idea that we entertain, that our purpose in being alive will be found in the specifics of something we are meant to be doing, is a misunderstanding that was initiated during our childhood..... The root cause of this misconception is very simple:
Because we were not unconditionally loved for who we are, we began attempting to figure out what we had “to do” to be deserving of this unconditional love.
Hilary N |
| Back2-It |
Posted - 03/17/2012 : 08:18:00
quote:
Originally posted by shawnsmith
... But when we want to believe something about ourselves, the whole world could say one thing yet we will hold on to our own personal belief about ourselves. Why is this so? This is not a rhetorical question, I would really like and answer.
Can't answer that question, except to say that we all do it to a certain extent, shaped by many things. Probably fear is the main thing. Maybe the question to ask is, "Are these people all right or wrong?" If so, so what? Can I change? Should I change? If you listed your "good" and "bad" attributes, and compared them to a sample of "the whole world", you would find they probably match.
quote:
I remember an episode on "The Simpsons" in which Bart, for the very first time, tried really hard to do well in school. He put in an honest effort and yet still failed the exam. He broke down and cried and his teacher, Mrs Krabappel, was perplexed as failure never bothered Bart before. Bart replied that this time was different because this time he really did do his best and still failed.
Bart was doing his "best" according to others expectations, I think.
quote:
Sometimes we are so fearful of failure that we actually undermine our chances at success and tell ourselves that success was not that important anyway when deep down we crave it. If we put our all into something and are still not successful that can be very difficult on a person's ego as we would like to see ourselves as intelligent and possessing lots of abilities.
Success must be personally defined. Who will be remembered 500 years from now for their worldly accomplishments? Maybe Steve Jobs... but he will be a footnote in history, studied like Leonardo da Vinci. Yeah, he was good in his time, but what of it now?
I am thinking of another cartoon character, Peter Griffin. He thinks he is the best most of the time, but the world sees him as a boorish oaf most of the time. Desire to possess is behind so much unhappiness. Again, guilty as charged with that, but I try to put things in perspective.
quote:
Do you understand where I am coming from? Do you understand that we continually undermine ourselves and, as a result, hit a wall of failure over and over again because we are too afraid to really try because we are fearful of what will take place if, like Bart, we give it 100% and still fail.
You want me to understand you, where you are coming from? I DO. Now, does that do anything for you? No, I'm just a character on a pain board with a dopey username. Who cares what I think? Or that I may "get" you? Look at the person to your right. Look at he person to your left. They have failed. Guaranteed. They do two things: keep going or let it ruin them.
And... don't ever underestimate the significance of love. Your wife loves you and you love her back. Get lost in that for awhile. Forget the success/failure rate. Sustained love is rare. IT IS THE BIGGEST SUCCESS OF YOUR LIFE. You have won the race, but I bet you don't see this as probably the best accomplishment of a lifetime.
Again, I don't mean to be preachy. I wish somebody would have slapped me upside the head when I was doing the "I'm crap", song and dance. Nobody did. That may be one reason I ended up on a pain board with a funny username. Do not give in to your skewed idea of yourself. Just like pain is learned, so is image and what goes along with it. You're a young dude. Relax and enjoy what you have accomplished.
Okay, brothers and sisters, service is over. Forget about the snakes. There are no snakes in Ireland or anywhere else. Devil be gone! Pain be gone! Go out and party on St. Pat's Day! May the road rise! Amen! 
"Bridges Freeze Before Roads" |
| shawnsmith |
Posted - 03/17/2012 : 05:35:19
One thing I am guilty of is quickly jumping to conclusions towards people and not give them the benefit of the doubt. I read meanings into people's words and actions which elicits a lot of conflicting emotions, mostly anger and jealousy, that can either surface in an angry / aggressive outburst, or I stuff all of those emotions down inside of me. My wife says I possess an amazing ability to read people, but I think this ability does me a lot of harm. I can sense immediately when someone turns off to me or has any other kind of negative feeling towards me without then even saying a word. Sometimes I scratch my head and wonder what I said or did to elicit this response, while at other times, I will admit, I bring it on myself. |
| shawnsmith |
Posted - 03/17/2012 : 05:25:32
Thanks Back2-It, I appreciate your comments. I think how I feel about myself may not necessarily be based on any objective truth. I mean, someone other than myself may see me in an altogether different light. There are people who have accomplished many amazing things in life and yet when they are honest they internally feel like a failure or a fake. My comments were an attempt to un-earth how I feel inwardly about myself, but whether it is objectively true or not is another question.
Think about those people who are stunningly beautiful, like myself for example (LOL). Many of them look in the mirror and say to themselves "I don't see what others see in me, as I think I am ugly." Objectively, their being ugly is simply not true because the whole world says otherwise. But when we want to believe something about ourselves, the whole world could say one thing yet we will hold on to our own personal belief about ourselves. Why is this so? This is not a rhetorical question, I would really like and answer.
I remember an episode on "The Simpsons" in which Bart, for the very first time, tried really hard to do well in school. He put in an honest effort and yet still failed the exam. He broke down and cried and his teacher, Mrs Krabappel, was perplexed as failure never bothered Bart before. Bart replied that this time was different because this time he really did do his best and still failed.
Sometimes we are so fearful of failure that we actually undermine our chances at success and tell ourselves that success was not that important anyway when deep down we crave it. If we put our all into something and are still not successful that can be very difficult on a person's ego as we would like to see ourselves as intelligent and possessing lots of abilities.
Do you understand where I am coming from? Do you understand that we continually undermine ourselves and, as a result, hit a wall of failure over and over again because we are too afraid to really try because we are fearful of what will take place if, like Bart, we give it 100% and still fail. |
| Back2-It |
Posted - 03/16/2012 : 21:43:55
This might piss you off, but sometimes taking a more spiritual view of existence can help. I don't mean to be preaching here, but there are times when "me, myself and I" are not enough. I reached that point.
Most of the world's religions place an emphasis not on accumulation of worldly goods but on how you exist in the present world and where you might be in the next world, universe, dimension.
You say you have not accomplished much? How about love? You have accomplished being loved by your wife. And you have accomplished, even with your on-going problems, loving her. Think that is easy? Chew that over for awhile. Think of all the lonely people. Match.com has.
Procrastination is fear. I know. I do it. Have always done it.
Take some of your free time and pick the one thing you are interested in, and start doing it. Don't even think about whether it will make you money or make you famous. It may never do either. But you will piece-by-piece put one foot in front of the other and DO something YOU want to do. It can be a liberating experience.
This is the basic philosophy of a rich man who lived in the 13th century, who walked away from it all, because he was not happy. His name was Francis; he lived in Assisi, Italy.
O Divine Master,
grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled, as to console;
to be understood, as to understand;
to be loved, as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive.
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.
Nobody understands me, but so what? I don't completely understand other people, either. I don't know if I want somebody completely, totally understanding me, anyway. That would rob me of myself and interest in the other person. In other words, I don't want a clone of me facing me or being my best bud.
Here is a real life example, if you are thinking in terms of living in the secular world and reaping success and riches. Colonel Sanders was flat broke on his white-suited butt with a failing family restaurant. He was 65. He took his wife's chicken recipe around to other restaurants, essentially giving away the store, and sold them on the idea of paying him for something they already had. Millions of chickens have died because of the Colonel, but KFC is history.
Start now! What the hell? And who cares if it is "stupid" or "not a good idea" or a "waste of time". F Them!
And Why the F not do it? Pain is still there if you do or don't.
You'll do it. Persist.
"Bridges Freeze Before Roads" |
| wrldtrv |
Posted - 03/16/2012 : 19:22:30
Shawn, You've got to get credit for being painfully honest. I can relate to some of the things you say, so they pain me too. As Art say, you are very lucky to have a loving wife; a lot of people don't have anybody to confide in or be comforted by. Keep digging deep for the sources of rage and shame, but don't be too obsessive about it. Balance. Try to recognize and appreciate the things that have gone right in your life. This is something I also need to remember. It is so easy to forget that we are all on borrowed time. |
| tmsjptc |
Posted - 03/16/2012 : 18:26:45
Shawn, thanks for posting. i can relate to a lot of what you've written. Yes there obviously is anger there, but it was also brutally honest and you really opened up. i haven't been able to do that yet. Thanks. |
| andy64tms |
Posted - 03/16/2012 : 15:54:25
Hi, tennis tom, Wrldtrv, shawnsmith and art
I get the impression that Artgal5986 also needs some professional direction. I think she is in the process of coming down on her meds, which makes it hard to do the program. I also notice she hasn't actually posted anything that she has done in TMS program, and seems to only comment about her symptoms.
I am new to posting and don't really have the words to help her.
Andy
Past TMS Experience in 2000, with success.
Now on Day 5 Wiki Edu.
Charlie horse on neck for 20 years. (to be evicted soon.) |
| shawnsmith |
Posted - 03/16/2012 : 15:48:12
Well, the thread ended up being about Art. LOL. I did not even know he was gone as I rarely visit the forum these days. |
| wrldtrv |
Posted - 03/16/2012 : 15:23:32
Yes, welcome back, Art. I too drift in and out. I've been in for the past couple of weeks, having gotten renewed energy from reading SteveO's new book. |
| art |
Posted - 03/16/2012 : 14:50:01
Hey Tom.
Thanks for the warm welcome. I drift in and out (much like I do with consciousness), but
I never stay away for long. I'll check that thread out...
A. |
| tennis tom |
Posted - 03/16/2012 : 12:14:02
Hi Art, was wondering where you had disappeared to? Welcome back and just in the nick of time. We have a TMS emergency case in the "Panic/Anxiety" thread by the name of Lara. It's too hot for me to handle, she needs some TLC, I suggest you have a go at it.
Cheers
P.S. Shawn, great post, I'll get back to you later, but the short answer is welcome to the "human condition" that the Good Doctor speaks of. |
| art |
Posted - 03/16/2012 : 11:55:53
Hey shawn
I've been reading your posts for some time...years....and I've always felt there was an aggressive, angry quality to many of them.
Which is fine. Not making judgements, and I appreciate your candor above. You've a lot of insight, which is a good start. Let's face it, anger... being angry...doing angry things...is a way to compensate for, and distract ourselves from the most deeply painful of all human emotions save grief...which is shame.
It's a terribly vicious cycle...shame begetting anger begetting shame...and the only way out is to defeat the primary shame.
You're 48 years old. Not too late by any means. There are many ways to feel successful. Money and power surely work, but they're not the cure-all you might think. The key is to begin to feel good about yourself. I can't tell you how to do that of course, but I can tell you as someone who battled feelings of inferiority and shame for the first 35-40 years of my life, it can be done...
Think about those times when you have felt good about yourself. What were you doing? Is it something you can do on a regular basis? What are you good at? What energizes you?
It's wonderful you have a loving wife, but don't forget you have to love her back. Loving someone, going out of your way to make that person happy, is a sure route to happiness in itself. |
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