| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| susies1955 |
Posted - 12/27/2011 : 06:15:59
I think MOST of my TMS is my mean controlling belittling husband. What do you do when there is someone in your life like that? He has been laid off for over 3 months and will retire in a few years.
I have always been a stay at home Mom. Maybe I should consider getting a job but I resent the fact that I have to get out to work because he is here.
He interferes in every thing I do and say. He questions every thing I do and say. He corrects everything I do and say. He is always loud and the center of attention everywhere we go and I tag behind.
There I feel a little better. LOL.
Susie |
| 15 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| susies1955 |
Posted - 01/03/2012 : 04:46:40
Marsha,
I guess my thinking has been the last few years is that if he KNOWS from my actions and words that I'm not taking it anymore and make his life miserable he would want to change. LOL!
Lately I have been just not talking to him if he criticizes and by spending more time up in my sewing room and of course when he re-did the room (that I'm thankful for) he didn't put a door back on so I still really don't have privacy. Thanks.
Taylor,
I want your pinky. LOL!
I'm going to make "my" life great best I can and if he wants to join in fine and if not oh well. :)
Thanks,
Susie |
| TaylorJoh |
Posted - 01/02/2012 : 20:00:32
Susie, ok well I guess I was wrong about your husband. I know I bet my left pinky, but you can't have it lol. If he's cruddy to everyone around him, including his BOSS, he really just sounds clueless.
I don't know how you've managed all these years. He must have worked looong hours lol! |
| marsha |
Posted - 01/02/2012 : 18:11:32
You cannot change anyone elses behavior. You can change your own.
Thirty six years is a long time but there is time.
Good luck and be well.
marsha |
| susies1955 |
Posted - 01/02/2012 : 16:03:36
You're right. I'm not a fighter. I like peace and the last few years have been terrible trying to fight for my rights.
Actually my husband doesn't treat his friends and neighbors like that because he hardly ever socializes. He does treat his whole family this way. I'm just blessed to be with him ALL the time. LOL. He treats his BOSSES this way. If everything doesn't go exactly as he WISHES, he goes into a rage. He got fired from a job not to long ago and got this last job that only lasted a few months because of work getting behind.
I filled out my resume today which doesn't have any thing on it but hey you never know. :)
Thanks for your help.
I think I'll get that book that Shawn mentioned. :)
Susie |
| TaylorJoh |
Posted - 01/02/2012 : 15:29:49
Susie, seeing as it took you nearly 34 years to fight back, it's probably not in your nature to fight. And I don't think that's a bad thing. In fact, I think that is a true sign of strength. The people I admire most in my life, they don't fight. But they're damn good at ignoring and not internalizing.
I don't think you can tell someone how not to internalize or be hurt by some man or woman's behavior. Just perhaps if you could just get them to see how immature and self deprecating their treatment of you is, hopefully they can see that they SHOULDN'T be taking it personal. And from that, figure out ways not to internalize it.
Susie, he knows how to treat you. He's known all along. I'd bet my left pinky toe he doesn't treat his friends, co-workers and other family members like that. And after 36 years, I wouldn't even bother asking yourself why he treats you with less love, dignity and respect. It's so beyond that. Just concentrate on you and your own self-preservation. I'm sure you've fretted over him long enough and to no avail. |
| shawnsmith |
Posted - 01/02/2012 : 13:39:03
quote:
Originally posted by susies1955
How do you NOT take it personal? How do you not let it affect you? How do you stand listening to it day after day after day?
Byron Katie's book will show you how, I promise you. |
| susies1955 |
Posted - 01/02/2012 : 07:56:17
I have that book in my walmart cart on line.
I spent the first 36 years of our marriage being a sweet Christian that stuffed everything. He was an alcoholic and did whatever he pleased which was drink, come home, sit in his chair to read the paper and go to bed.
The last two years I finally started fighting for my rights and it hasn't been pretty. How do you NOT take it personal? How do you not let it affect you? How do you stand listening to it day after day after day?
Thanks for your help,
Susie |
| shawnsmith |
Posted - 01/02/2012 : 06:23:22
Perhaps the book `Loving What Is` by Byron Katie would be of interest to you. The audio version is way better.
As for your mean, controlling, belittling, interfering husband -- as you describe him -- it may be more conducive to your treatment program to examine how you react to how he behaves rather than focusing on him. How does it make YOU feel when he is mean, controlling, interfering and belittling? Remember, it is about you getting well and not about changing your husband. |
| susies1955 |
Posted - 01/02/2012 : 05:19:29
LuLu,
Thanks for your advice. His abuse is mostly with his mouth but some with what he does. He is not physically harmful but like you said emotional abuse is nasty.
What you suggested of getting out more and more is on my plan.
LuLu, I'm either real strong or real stupid. LOL.
He actually has been real smoothed out since I wrote this. He will hold out his hand toward me and show me how calm he is and he comes over and kisses my cheek once in a while. Time will tell if it is a real change. I know that him not having a job doesn't help matters.
Thanks again. I'll be going to my sewing room a LOT more and I'll be joining the local quilt guild along with maybe soon looking for part time work. :)
Susie |
| LuLu1257 |
Posted - 01/02/2012 : 02:33:54
Susie,
I left my spouse in 2009, after 19 years of extreme abuse which destroyed my health. Here are some ideas for you.
Living with an abuser saps a LOT of energy, not to mention self-esteem, so can immobilize. Try baby steps, e.g. I volunteered 1 afternoon every 2 weeks. Try emotionally distancing, e.g. I went on 3 private retreats, moved to the basement (he thought it was HIS idea)--which helped me see what was actually happening, although you seem to have a good grasp of that (I didn't).
Contact the closest women's emergency shelter, as they can provide support, help make a safety plan, provide a safe place to flee to. ABUSE IS LIKELY TO ESCALATE AS HE AGES. Look on internet for "spousal abuse" or "domestic violence." YOU are the expert on your situation, the only one who truly knows the danger, if/when it is safe to leave, etc.
Verbal & emotional abuse are just as damaging as--or more damaging than--physical abuse. Learning about boundaries (how to set them, protect them) can be helpful.
Susie, you are stronger than you realize, e.g. you have already survived 38 years of abuse & you are reaching out for help. Bravo!
LuLu |
| susies1955 |
Posted - 12/27/2011 : 15:04:24
quote:
Originally posted by TaylorJoh
Hi Susie,
I'd just start thinking of him as a TMS symptom, pain in the a$$. Ignore and move forward as much as you can.
Taylor,
LOL, you are too funny. Thanks for the help. I will consider your advice for sure.
:) The PAIN IN THE A$$ disappeared for an hour outside and even cooked supper. WOW! I'm thankful.
Thanks again,
Susie |
| TaylorJoh |
Posted - 12/27/2011 : 12:07:23
Hi Susie,
I'd just start thinking of him as a TMS symptom, pain in the a$$. Ignore and move forward as much as you can. Your husband is probably very much set in his ways. You can't change him. But you can change you and how you let him effect you.
I really can't give you any relationship advice. If a man belittled me or tried to control me, they're out of my life real quick. So any advice from me would be impractical.
However, if you have talents such as quilting or sewing, you can turn that into an online business. By trade I'm a graphic/web designer. I work exclusively with women. I have many clients that have turned their craft into a business and quite a few have become very successful.
I know that starting an online business doesn't get you out of the house. But it would turn your attention and energy towards something you like to do while making extra money. Make it your baby and just throw yourself into it. And ignore all the negativity.
If you have a few quilts that you'd like to sell, Etsy is a fantastic place to start. If you don't know what that is, it's like an Ebay for handmade crafts. It's insanely popular and people do make quite a bit of extra money at it.
Anyway, this is just something to think about. It's very exciting starting a new business. I know, I've started quite a few lol! When I start a new business, nothing else in the world exists for quite some time. It gives me a mental break that I need. Maybe that's why I start them? But I love it. And I would definitely be willing to help a fellow TMS'er out. Whatever I can do to help you, if you're interested, please don't hesitate to let me know.
Taylor
quote:
Originally posted by susies1955
We have been married 38 years. In the last few years I have been 'fighting' against him but it is not only frustrating but it causes things to actually be worse. It is a never ending fight and he just refuses to hear me.
I don't know how I could be on my own with no job history. The fear stops me from trying. I could volunteer but we do need the money so if I'm going OUT I should make some money.
I SO resent this whole thing.
Yes Art you are not telling me anything I don't already know but I don't know what to do.
I have suggested counseling for YEARS. He refuses and your right the money situation won't allow it for now.
Thanks Bugbear for your suggestions. I will go back to my quilting guild for now and see about getting at least something part-time somewhere.
Susie
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| susies1955 |
Posted - 12/27/2011 : 08:00:37
We have been married 38 years. In the last few years I have been 'fighting' against him but it is not only frustrating but it causes things to actually be worse. It is a never ending fight and he just refuses to hear me.
I don't know how I could be on my own with no job history. The fear stops me from trying. I could volunteer but we do need the money so if I'm going OUT I should make some money.
I SO resent this whole thing.
Yes Art you are not telling me anything I don't already know but I don't know what to do.
I have suggested counseling for YEARS. He refuses and your right the money situation won't allow it for now.
Thanks Bugbear for your suggestions. I will go back to my quilting guild for now and see about getting at least something part-time somewhere.
Susie
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| art |
Posted - 12/27/2011 : 07:10:28
This will only get worse. Life is short. I'd much rather be alone. He's going to make you miserable for the rest of his life. I'm not telling you anything you don't already know. |
| Bugbear |
Posted - 12/27/2011 : 07:05:28
You don't have any nagging voice inside your head putting you down all the time. It's brought to you live in the form of your spouse. But is he the cause of your TMS or is it you allowing yourself to be abused in this way? People who belittle others tend to have inferiority complexes themselves and choose to put others down as a way of making themselves feel better.
Have you considered relationship counselling? It's unlikely that himself would opt to attend but you could go on your own. It may not be the right time for you for financial reasons but something to think about in future.
I think getting a job or just getting away and having a life outside your home could be a positive step. Do some volunteer work or join a group that shares a common interest. It would take your mind off what's going on at home and hopefull take your mind off your symptoms. |
