| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| Albert |
Posted - 02/01/2005 : 10:01:54
First of all, if somebody saw me, they would think that I'm a nervous person and my eyes twitch more than usual. When I was kid I used rock whenever I sat down. I would flinch easilly. When I went to Jr. High School, moved from a school where I had a nitch to a school where I didn't, I started to do this wierd thing with my eye lids. Interesting enough, the first girl I had a crush on in Jr. High School, teased me about it. So did some of the other kids, but she started it. So much for the crush. This carried on to high school in that I was afraid to ask girls out because I was afraid that I would be too nervous.
For years I thought it was due to some neurological defect, but now I wonder. When things get stressful it gets worse. When I had a really bad back incidence 5 or 6 weeks ago, my hands shook more than usual. This past Saturday night I went out to dinner with a lady friend, and a typical pattern happened. I was afraid to drink from my glass of water, because my hands might shake. Suddenly, without thinking about, I took a drink and didn't shake. From then on I didn't have any problem drinking (this sort of thing has happened in the past, and by the way this was a good TMS night because before the date my back got really sore, but I was defiant of it and the restaurant chair didn't bug me at all, even though restaurant chairs have a history of doing so).
So I started to wonder about this last night. I wondered what incidence in my childhood caused my nervous system to be so overly active? Is it psychologically caused? I couldn't come up with one incident last night. I was thinking that perhaps a combination of factors are involved.
This morning while driving to work I remembered something from my childhood. When I was about 5 years old I used to play with this kid who was also about 5 years old. We used play in his play house. He had a little sister that was about 3 years old. IF YOU DON'T WANT TO READ ABOUT SOMETHING UGLY DON'T READ WHAT IS WRITTEN NEXT: He used to urinate in a plastic glass and make her drink it. If she didn't do so he'd bang her head against the play house wall. He used to also lock her underneath the house, which horrified her. A day came when I stopped playing with him. I remember he came after me and my cousin, and we stood on top of a fence with a baseball bat and yelled go away.
He was a little monster. Probably couldn't help it. I heard from my parents that both of his parents were alcoholics. They used to lock him and his sister out of the house.
I was only 5 years old when this happened. I didn't know what to make of it. I remember that I felt bad for his poor little sister. I feel really bad for her now. I hope things worked out for her. I wonder what effect it had on me.
By the way, as I wrote this, my hands were shaking quite a bit. |
| 4 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| Albert |
Posted - 02/02/2005 : 10:23:04
I never heard that young children feel responsible for everything.
When I was a kid, I didn't tell anybody about what that kid did to his sister. I'd just go home and forget about it.
As I reflected about it some more yesterday, I tried to feel angry towards the boy, but figured that he's a victim too. I also felt some anger towards myself for not doing anything about it, but also thought, "what could I do? I was just a kid. I didn't have the wisdom to deal with it."
I'll reflect upon it some more. Perhaps the main thing is just to be aware of it.
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| Logan |
Posted - 02/01/2005 : 21:11:26
Baseball,
Your therapist sounds pretty astute. When I read the phrase "being found out" I instantly recognized the way I feel. All my life, I've felt like it's only a matter of time before the real me is found out and punished. Maybe it's because I had a similar experience to Albert's. When I was 6 years old, a family friend (same age) told me that her father was raping her. She didn't say it in exactly those words, but I got the picture. Even getting the mental picture of it, as best as a 6 year old can, I did not believe her. I thought she must be lying. I never told anyone, never went to a grownup about it.
I mean, this was the 70s, before there were tv shows about abuse and public service announcements about what to do etc. (TV's not all bad). I'm afraid it was completely beyond my comprehension, even though I myself had experienced milder forms of sex abuse from older boys...
I'm rationalizing here because I still feel somewhat guilty about my inability to help her. Because I didn't tell, she suffered many more years of escalating abuse from her father. Her brother killed himself when he was a teenager, about ten years later. This was right after she finally told on her dad and I always wondered if it wasn't his guilt for not saving her that pulled the trigger. A very sad story, one I've thought about quite often.
I'm wondering if it's part of what's bothering me now, because I have a monster cold sore and I haven't had one since I was in junior high - over twenty years ago. I've been writing an essay for school about my childhood influences/pressures and Albert's post made me think maybe there's a connection. |
| Baseball65 |
Posted - 02/01/2005 : 18:43:16
Hi Albert
It's a fairly common idea in Psychology that any trauma/drama type event that happens to a child up until they are 6 years old,is generally perceived by their unconscious as having been caused by themselves.
To a 4-6 year old,the only reason the sun comes up in the morning is because THEY are there to experience it...everything happens for them,by them and through them.
My Psychotherapist brought this up when I was being treated.My Father died when I was 5 years old,and of course I said I had no guilt or shame or whatever....the therapist said that was impossible.
Truth be told I Killed my Father....it is all my fault that he died.That is the only thing a 5 year old can do...otherwise the world isn't sound and makes no sense.The car accident would NOT have happened if I wasn't there to Make it happen(never mind I was in bed 15 miles away)
I actually had a heart to heart with my mother this weekend and she confirmed that I went through a very odd,guilt riddled type of period right after my father died,apologizing and making excuses for a number of trivial offenses,that I internally perceived as proof that I had indeed caused his death.
...with that sort of perspective,it would be clear that you are certain in your subconscious that YOU made her drink the urine,beat her,etc.....and of course you harbor the feelings of guilt and shame vicariously...no Adult logic or reasoning will take those feelings away either...you can deny them ,but you will express and feel them(through other means) none the less.....all guilt seeks punishment,and so the unconscious goes to work punishing yourself over and over for this was of course an unforgivable act....and unless you consciously go through some sort of gestalt or other therapy,that guilt will remain in place.
The shaking is nervousness about being finally convicted of the crime you have been guilty of all along....of being "found out"(being 5 and being a witness to such a terrible experience)
This sounds absurd to most people,however it is the way a lot of psychotherapists would interpret the event and it's impact upon the persons conscious and unconscious mind.
There....I've thrown my hat in the ring..fire away.
peace
Baseball65 |
| pault |
Posted - 02/01/2005 : 18:27:50
Sounds like contemplation starts the shaking.Worrying about what will happen is the worst part of it.I have caught myself gritting my teeth over a childhood incident(4yrs old)while driving my car day dreaming.Shows how much childhood things bother us even though we are not aware of it.So that sounds good that you are aware of how much that bothers you.Tell your brain how much and that you are aware of it,but you don,t need the back pain,shaking to deal with it.There is probably tons of other things in your brain to add to it ,but you may not discover them.Just go with the system and believe and you will improve as well as you want to and allow your brain to. Paul. |
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