| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| Joy_I_Am |
Posted - 06/02/2011 : 04:25:27
I have noticed a few people have troubling family issues, and feel that this can be a factor in our TMS symptoms. This is something very close to my heart, so I thought I'd start a fresh thread on it. I have found several books to be very useful in my journey to disassociate myself from my dysfunctional family: Susan Forward's 'Toxic Parents', Victoria Secunda's 'When You and Your Mother Can't Be Friends', and Karyl McBride's 'When Will I Ever Be Good Enough'. I'm sure there are more, and Alice Miller seems to have her finger on the pulse too.
Briefly, my mother has Narcissistic Personality Disorder (there are some good websites out there if you want to explore this), my father is critical, misogynist and self-centred, and both parents controlled my sister and I through shame (my husband neatly expressed it 'Your father wasn't your teacher, he was your examiner!') They both instilled in me a deep belief that I was flawed, inadequate and unable to cope, while still being responsible for their moods and happiness; I believe that this sensitised my nervous system (I was always 'on guard' to their moods), and also convinced me that there is always something 'wrong' in me - hence I am always subconsciously scanning my body for what is wrong, and boy, do I find it! Being 'okay' and 'acceptable' was scary and unfamiliar - I was taught that the world was unsafe, and I was insecure in it. My brother was the Golden Boy of the family - seriously, their attitude to him was akin to worship! - and it took me until adulthood to realise that just by being a girl I was a disappointment to them.
But my brother has paid the price. In his forties, though he has a decent job and is decent-looking, they have weakened his will with their spoiling, and he still lives with my parents. My father is ill, and my mother has made my brother into her 'pseudo-husband'; she has seen off all his girlfriends and fiancees, and now my brother lives to serve her, spending all his money and spare time on taking her on holidays, and escorting her out to dinner on her wedding anniversary and birthday (while my father languishes at home). Is she grateful? Hell, no! She remains constantly unsatisfied and self-pitying, to ensure his narcissistic supply keeps coming. He is anorexic. My sister, who lives next-door to her, is anorexic, and still horribly enmeshed with my mother, though she is married. They are both desperately unhappy, but when they try to express this to my mother, she has no sympathy for them, insisting only that she has it the worst of anyone (although she doesn't work, is healthy, and lives only to holiday, shop and drink). They are aware that I am separating from them (and blame my husband, of course - how could anyone want to leave their lovely family?!) And they would looove for me to come back and try to 'fix' them all, as they expected when I was a child (an impossible task).
Of course, they did a number on me before I left - I could tell you a thousand stories (and probably will later! :-D) It was difficult for me to realise what was happening, and then, initially, painful to start to pull away and heal myself. It's still an ongoing process. People who had decent parenting (not 'perfect' because that's impossible!) don't always understand how deep and long-lasting the damage can be. Emotional abuse can be just as distressing as physical abuse or neglect, though it's less obvious.
But as with TMS, knowledge is power. I do think that my parenting was a big cause of my TMS, but understanding that and dealing with it is part of the journey to health.
Just my thoughts for the day! I hope, if someone recognises this, that it will of some help, even if it's just to know you're not alone. Though I'm writing about unhappy things, I'm doing it with hope! J |
| 20 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| Wavy Soul |
Posted - 04/06/2012 : 22:52:00
Should we have a special British ex-Pat TMS support group? I know you Americans (I've only been here 35 years!) have toxic families too, but you just can't imagine the ancestral layers of frozen rightness that get built around the most HORRIBLE ways of thinking and behaving, and my family were also brilliant academics (for all the use it did them or me) and so they had a strong sense of entitlement or enrightlement.
Bless 'em - at least they are moving to the Far Lands and nearly all gone. I'm almost a complete orphan.
Love is the answer, whatever the question |
| yogaluz |
Posted - 04/06/2012 : 18:13:53
It's so interesting (though sad) to hear how the seeds of this condition were planted in so many of us by toxic parents. I recently met with a TMS doc to discuss some recent medical developments and in telling the story of my childhood, I think I left him speechless
 .
The emotional ties we have to our FOO are extremely strong, however unhealthy the relationships. Try to think back to when you were young - your family was all you knew and was, for better of worse, your lifeline - the roof over your head, the food on your plate and even the small bits of care and affection that may have shown through, all came from them. Those connections don't simply vanish. We can choose to sever them but, in most cases I think, there is a ghost of a thread that remains and tugs at us. Call it guilt but, on some level, I think it's a strange sort of love. In any case, creating distance between yourself and family members that are making you ill may be an essential part of healing and it's important to remember that your first responsibility is to make yourself as whole as possible. For some, that may mean ceasing contact with our FOOs, but then we're still left with that tendril of connection to contend with.
Agnes, I can imagine how hurtful it was for you to hear that you wouldn't be a good mother coming from someone you grew up with. I once had a boyfriend tell me I wouldn't be a good mother and even though I knew it was bull****, it still stung for some reason. You may also be wondering what kind of mother you'll be given how little positive examples were set for you growing up. Let me assure you - you are introspective and strong enough to move half way around the world from the people who made you miserable... you're going to be a great mom! I don't often sing my own praises, but I feel I'm an excellent mom despite the odd mothering I received. I now (when I'm not totally pissed off) try to look at my mother as a teacher - a teacher of what not to be as a mother. In this sense, I can actually have moments of gratitude about my upbringing. I've learned to be selfless from a selfish mother. I've learned to be calm from a raging mother. I've learned to be vulnerable and honest from a mother that lives in denial. And I never pass a day without hugging, kissing and telling my kids I love them, ever. And this because I know what it feels like not to receive that kind of care. You'll find your way... you're already on the path.
pain is inevitable, suffering optional |
| Joy_I_Am |
Posted - 04/05/2012 : 10:40:44
Gosh, Wavy, this:
> There are unwritten rules that family members are not supposed to become too successful, or stray too far from unhappiness.<
...really resonated with me! I hadn't even realised this was a rule with my family, but it explains their discomfort and almost pained response whenever I had any success in the past - I'd be left thinking 'What have I done wrong? Wasn't that a good thing?' (I've learnt since those days not to share anything with them, nor do I feel the need to. Their disapproval is as irrelevant to me as their approval now). It's also a classic Narcissist response too, btw; they're jealous of the attention you get when you do well and want to bring you down.
Erata, I totally recognise your feelings too. To me, getting involved with the family is like that 'Brer Rabbit and the Tar Baby' story - the slightest contact with them, and you're suddenly stuck to them!
And you can't help them, because your tools come from the real world, but normal tools don't work in their world. Like, you say 'Let's have an open and honest discussion so that we all know where we are', but they don't want an honest discussion, it suits their purpose to have secrets and back-stabbing and hidden agendas. In the words of the song: You can't touch this! :-)
Andy, I'm a Brit too, and I think we can often perpetuate this sort of 'poisonous family' (and I do know exactly what you mean!) by keeping buttoned-up about it. It's not always easy to be the one who breaks away from the family, sees the dysfunction for what it is, but it sure as hell beats being stuck in that family system, hands down! Not everyone wants to see the door out of the prison...
Easter can be one of those peak times for toxic families, but I hope everyone here who celebrates it can rise above it and have a great time! May all your bunnies be choccy ones!
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| Erata |
Posted - 04/05/2012 : 09:46:17
Coming in late to this thread, one I really relate to. (I also wondered when it would be ‘my turn’.)
My experience with my toxic family was that if they came to me for any ‘help’ or advice, they weren’t really interested in solving the latest crisis. It was really all about drama and attention and if I responded with honest & genuine feedback, I became the new enemy. It was a black hole and I had to learn not to get sucked in; I had to stop participating, even though I still cared.
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| andy64tms |
Posted - 04/04/2012 : 21:54:39
Wavy Soul,
What a great article by Catherine Auman, I didn’t know there were people who had the courage to write this sort of thing. Thanks for posting it.
I just read the email on “Let them drown”, and it struck me on being exactly what I wanted and needed to read at this point in time. Without going into details I can say “My poisonous family”, and that says it all. This is even with both parents being deceased. You see my brother and sister carry on the dysfunction tradition with ever increasing skill. For convenience I classify them all as the same person, sad isn’t it?
At the age of 65 I’m left with feelings of guilt, remorse, anger and internal rage and inadequacy to this day. I say: “I don’t know why” to my wife when she asks, I need help! This is why I’m here, and I know I will get better.
I am also visiting from another thread, and thought I would join you over here, and let my feminine side speak. I’m well qualified since I am an English man living in the United States, and about to have two babies. Well not really! My two daughter-in-laws are due this May and August, and the forecast is two granddaughters, so I’ll have four granddaughters and one grandson. I ask myself how can this have happened with me being so young, where did my life go? Well young at heart anyway.
My English wife takes it all in her stride, and just knits away making baby blankets and jackets. She is in seventh heaven, and I am quite proud.
Another reason for being here is that there is too much turmoil and pontificating going on among the men on the “‘Length of TMS in one’s life” thread. I know everyone is entitled to their say, but some of the opinions have upset my basic beliefs in TMS theories to the point where I wanted to leave the forum all together, they got me very confused. I wouldn’t be surprised if we see a recent new member Colin (cnotes11) run off for good. I’m not used to participating in forums, but it reminds me of those awful non-productive meetings I had to attend at work. Does this happen often on a forum?
Once again thank you Wavy Soul, Hi Mala, and good luck with the baby ozagnes. Good thread Joy I am, thanks for starting it.
Andy
Past TMS Experience in 2000, with success.
Now on Day 11 Wiki Edu.
Charlie horse on neck for 20 years. (to be evicted soon.)
Books: Healing Back Pain
& Unlearn your Pain |
| Wavy Soul |
Posted - 04/04/2012 : 18:20:42
I just got this in the email: please do read it - it's exactly on point for family of origin issues:
You Have to Let Them Drown
You're enjoying the perfect stroll along the beach: the crunch of sand between your toes, the lapping waves, the glorious sun on your face. You notice the wind caressing your hair -- suddenly your hear cries for help! -- the agony of a fellow being beginning to drown. Your impulse is to heroically swim out, drag the person to shore, provide mouth-to-mouth resuscitation and thereby save their life.
Have you heard about this? That's the exact thing you must not do. Unless you're a trained lifeguard and know exactly how to help, you can't go in the water. A drowning person, in their panic, will pull you under in an attempt to save themselves, and there will be two drowned persons instead of one. It's a nasty fact, but if you want to save a life, the only thing you can do is summon help.
Even if it's a family member, you can't go in unless you've received training in saving lives. Standing on the shore, knowing you can't help: heartbreaking. Choosing to save your own life rather than two people dying: excruciatingly painful.
"Dan" is a patient of mine who has reached a certain degree of success with his acting. He has all the talent, looks, and charisma needed, but lacks the persistence to complete the daily tasks to further his career. In therapy, we've been examining his close bond with his family back in the Midwest who are uniformly depressed, unhappy with their lives, and lack the will to change. There are unwritten rules that family members are not supposed to become too successful, or stray too far from unhappiness. In other words, Dan is being sucked down and is drowning along with them.
Dan and I have been talking about how he needs to "let his parents drown." He's not trained in lifesaving. If he wants, he can go back to school, study psychotherapy or social work, and change his profession to become a "trained lifeguard." But even those of us who are, aren't effective working with our own families.
Although it is painful to stand on the shore and realize someone you love is drowning and you cannot save them, it is a decision you must make in order that your own life be saved. Certainly you can try to summon help by pointing them to therapy, but they may not choose to go. It's essential that at least one life be saved. It's time for you to become free and save yourself.
© 2011 Catherine Auman
Love is the answer, whatever the question |
| ozagnes |
Posted - 04/03/2012 : 19:41:05
Thanks a lot Wavy and Joy, I feel you really understand where I am, the guilt it produces and the internal conflict puting emotional distance with one's FOO brings.
I am still feeling obligated to provide them with emotional support, probably even more so as I am living far away and sot of want to proove them that physical distance does not mean I don't care, but I know I am an adult now and I have the choice. Only it is a hard choice to make but I am starting to work on it, and with a therapist.
As for the birth Bugbear, I explained in another post my dilemna as I have chronic pelvic pain and specialists have told me that natural birth could make it worse, so C-scetion is the way to go. As much as I understand that my pain is psychological, reality is that my muscles will probably still be tensed by then, so for now I have decided to have a C-section, not so much because it could "damage" me physically, but because the fear itself may well and truly make me worse.
I am not after a miracle (I have stopped when I stopped looking for a medical cure), I know it will probably take some time before I can let go and relax, no need to add extra pressure, and if I am feeling 100% in septembre, then yes I will consider natural birth!
For now my priority is indeed to try to find some space in my head to think about my future family rather than my FOO.
Thank you so much for your support!
:)
|
| Marlawantstohike |
Posted - 03/30/2012 : 14:37:42
Whats hard now is for the past 15 years she is all sweet, nice and loving towards me and doesn't have a clue I am struggling with these feelings. The time I tried to talk to her she said oh you are just forgetting…it wasn't like that at all. I wanted to say, no mom I know what hearing you and dad scream every night did to me…dad getting drunk every night did to me…
Then she tells me all victim like that she can't handle talking about problems now that she is older, it is bad for her health and would I not talk about or tell her any negative things anymore?
I guess caring what my kids think and thinking I should be a good person is what keeps me thinking I should forgive and take care of her…but i am wondering if this would mentally kill me! |
| Bugbear |
Posted - 03/30/2012 : 13:10:53
What would you like to do regarding the birth, Agnes? Never mind what medical staff want. How can you make this happen? What do you need to do? What do others need to do...or not do?
I look forward to hearing how you progress through the pregnancy. Relax for the baby's sake and for yours. I think it was Joy who mentioned the need for self-care. I second the motion. You've left the others behind. Let them get on with it and focus your attention on you and your new family.
Best wishes. |
| Joy_I_Am |
Posted - 03/30/2012 : 05:10:07
Dear Ozagnes,
First of all, congratulations on your pregnancy! You sound like a good, thoughtful and sensitive person who is just the type to be a good Mum! And I agree with Wavy, you really are entitled to think of yourself first right now. Self-care is part of the job of being a mother-to-be!
Your family sounds like they are behaving horribly, thinking only of themselves, and really, this will not do for you any more. I read a great phrase the other day, something like: 'I took a clear look at my Family Of Origin (FOO) and thought 'You can do so much better than this!'' It's notable how many of us had to move away to find this out - it's harder to see when you're engulfed in their dysfunctional situation, where everyone accepts bad behaviour and picks on the weakest. A bit of distance is a wonderful thing (and I think most of us who moved away got criticism for it from our FOO - of course, they could see us escaping from their clutches!)
But physical distance is only the start, and I know just how much they can live in our heads and fill our thoughts. I found it is a stage, something we have to go through to come out on the other side with greater understanding and peace. If you can afford therapy, this would be a good way to start dealing with it. If not, there are a lot of great books out there (which shows just how many of us suffer from dysfunctional families!) I would suggest 'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward, 'When You and Your Mother Can't Be Friends' by Victoria Secunda, and just about anything about Narcissists - I'm sure others on the site can suggest others. I don't know what your healthcare is like, but could your doctor refer you to a counsellor?
The other thing, though, is not to obsess about them. Perhaps allocate a set time each day when you will think about them, and maybe write about them? It can help to set your feelings down in black and white. These things take a lot of processing, so don't hurry and overwhelm yourself. Then - as with the Sarno 'rage-soothe' cycle - make sure you spend time daily to think positively, do fun, optimistic things, and totally absorb yourself in an enjoyable pastime that will absorb your thoughts and give you some good endorphins!
A lot of us here have 'difficult' family (in fact, we're probably over-represented!)  But they don't have to dominate our lives, and they don't have to cause us pain, and we certainly aren't doomed to inflict pain on ourselves because of them! It really is possible to grow up and away from them, to heal, and from the sound of things, you are at the stage where that is starting to happen! Believe me, this is great - much better than not realising the situation must change (look at your brother with his 'severe anxiety' - he's suffering from this too, but he hasn't the will to escape it like you have). It is natural to feel anxiety when you realise things are wrong, but you are very well placed to move forward and grow now.
I'm sure other people will have their own take on this, but please, take heart, keep posting. It can and will be better!
All very best wishes, Joy |
| Wavy Soul |
Posted - 03/28/2012 : 22:53:52
Dear Ozagnes,
I really support you in completely protecting yourself both inside and out from these toxic influences. I understand the guilt you feel - I have been through similar stuff and my sister was similar to your brother - but the most important thing for you to focus on is your own peace of mind and thus your health and your baby's health.
It's not your job to take on these people. Many of us have been through the process of realizing that our families are not really our families. We have created new families, CHOSEN families, with our friends and chosen loved ones. This is sometimes necessary. If something or someone makes you sick, there is no reason on earth to keep subjecting yourself to it. If you think about it, it's not even good for your family if their unconscious behaviors make you sick. It would actually be better for them if you stayed away.
Certainly if you believe in karma, or people getting the results of their actions, it's a good idea to stay away from people you feel hurt by, so that you don't continue the negative accumulations of bad stuff between you.
I know for myself I have had to wrestle a lot with this. Sometimes I have felt like the most conscious and aware person in my family, and I have tried to go back with an open heart, and all kinds of practice of "good boundaries," etc. But I have to say that many, many times, I have come back to America (my family's in England) with various kinds of illness.
In fact, I remember my back going "out" after visiting my father when I hadn't seen him for several years. I had taken a break after a horrible, abusive letter he had written me. Then my guilt got me to visit him, but I was crippled for weeks with back pain. I knew something was up, but I didn't know as much about TMS as I now do.
I'm really relieved that most of my family has passed on, hopefully to new experiences in other realms!
Anyway, please think of yourself first, and keep coming here to get support, or anywhere else that you can get validation that you are NOT crazy for what you are feeling. It's easy to feel crazy, because our family defined us when we were too small to know differently, and they can be like a noxious force field for our nervous system even when we are adults.
much love.
Love is the answer, whatever the question |
| ozagnes |
Posted - 03/28/2012 : 19:55:36
Hi all,
I guess this topic is the right place to tell my story and seeck advice!
I have a disfunctional family growing up with a depressed verbally abusive, sometimes violent, suicidal mother, who kicked out my irresponsible, emotionally detached, and lets face it, lazy father. So me and my brother were left to be abused by my "dragon" mother as we call her.
I left Europe 10 years ago, and live in Australia, but last month I went back for a month, for my yearly "duty" of visiting my relatives. Only this time, after 3 years of chronic pain and having just discovered TMS 3 months earlier, I was pregnant.
It was the worse trip in my life, every single day I was only hoping I was in Australia. My brother who's developed serious anxiety disorders abused me, like a bully, telling me how much I disapoint him as a sister (cause I live far away), as an aunt to his children (because I don't play all day long with them while jetlag and having morning sickness, hello??!!!), and I would probably be a bad mother as well. I tried to talk to my mother, who's in complete denial about what she did to us and why (she was sexually abused by her father, but she's still convinced her chronic depression is because of my father...and she says my grandfather was a good person as he taught her to be a perfectionist...seriously!!!???). She, as always, justifies her past actions with "better shout out loud and pass your nerves on someone than develop cancer later on". Great, who's got the cancer now? And then my father, that as always puts himself in bad situations and we have to get him out of it. He always promises, but never takes action.
Maybe because I was more emotionnally aware this time, maybe because of hormones and self-preservation instinct, I don't know, but this trip really enraged me. I have been struggling since coming back here, of course the pain has increased because 1) being stressed I feared it might come back 2)I was thrown into my childhood environment and toxic relationships and therefore my newly gained self-confidence was shatered.
I just don't want to talk to them, any email that I receive from them, text, phone call, all stresses me out terribly, I just want to be left alone! I have to think and concentrate around my first child that is due in 6 months, but I have no room, I keep on dreaming and thinking about my brother etc...
But I feel so much guilt if I don't respond, like it is my family and therefore my duty to help them, support them.
How do you deal with that?
I feel so frustrated, and suffocated, I feel like I am a prisoner of my family.
How do you get out of the victim role when the perpetrator is of your own blood?
I have to stand out for myself but I feel like I am that little girl again, powerless, that can only take the hit and cope as best as she can...
Agnes |
| Wavy Soul |
Posted - 03/28/2012 : 19:48:59
Yogaluz, you said: "There is a slow fire of resentment that burns in me constantly around this issue that no amount of therapy or mindfulness has been able to extinguish. The only thing that seems to bring me complete peace is snorkeling in Hawaii Seriously, I consider moving there to put an ocean between me and my mother."
And the ocean didn't work for me. I have had a similar journey, but now she has Alzheimers and is in UK. Everyone in my family and around my family put huge pressure on me to give up my life in the US to go and sit and have the same conversation with her every minute.
So I can absolutely relate to this "slow fire" thing,...
What I have found difficult is that for many people I know, their family is annoying and even painful, but there is some redemption available. For me, it has been so disappointing as one after another dies and even at the end, no change.
Just sharing this because it is helpful to get it out - I have been very resistant to journaling recently so thanks. xx
Love is the answer, whatever the question |
| Wavy Soul |
Posted - 03/28/2012 : 15:12:41
Yes, this is my experience too - a toxic family. Not just dysfunctional, not even well-meaning much of the time. I've been dealing with a kind of giant burp of all my family issues in the last year because several of them died and left in their legacies a kind of print-out of all the narcissistic and toxic energies they carried, and as the last living family member (other than my mum who is 92 with Alzheimers and has now become gentle after being majorly verbally abusive my whole life) I've been forced to face it down, and deal with it.
Prior to that I had dealt with it by leaving the UK, which was a good move, but of course I carried it within me as TMS. Now I'm grateful for the "burp" because even though my reactions to these traumatic memories have included a brief visit with cancer, I truly feel I am feeling and healing the last of it all.
My fave books about this stuff, in addition to some you mentioned JoyIAm, are Walking on Eggshells, about living with a borderline person, and Children of the Self-Absorbed, about having narcisstic parents. The latter is good in that it defines kinds of narcissism that are a bit more hidden, which was useful for me. The general idea is that borderlines marry narcissists, btw, and most of us on this board are more likely towards the borderline camp, but many of us may have had parents who were, at some level, if not "clinically," a borderline and a narcissist. Being in the middle of this is so conflicting and confusing that no wonder our lil bodies need to distract us from the almost incomprehensible emotional chaos we can hold within.
xxx
Love is the answer, whatever the question |
| Joy_I_Am |
Posted - 03/27/2012 : 04:26:29
Marla, I don't tend to put my email address out there, but know that I truly do sympathise with you - it's hard to convey the damage these parents can do unless you've been through it yourself - and then you REALLY 'get it'!
A light-hearted incident on that topic: we had to take my MIL out for mother's day recently. She was sitting on my left side at lunch, and when I got up to leave the table afterwards, I realised that the whole left side of my body had gone numb! Just like when you sleep on your arm and wake with pins and needles. It can't have been circulatory, just on the left side, and I hadn't been leaning on anything, or even aware of a physical tension. But I knew what it was straight away, and lo, it wore off when we dropped her back home, lol!
 |
| Marlawantstohike |
Posted - 02/26/2012 : 22:34:23
Joy, I could write a book on how my childhood has affected me.
Just wrote a long post and deleted it as it got too long and involved.
Email me and I will share with you. I have major issues with my mom also.
So many times we do things out of guilt and feeling like we have to. That's how I see your anniversary party.
Take care...marla
|
| andy64tms |
Posted - 02/26/2012 : 17:19:34
Hi Joy_I_am,your email sent shivers down my spine. I too had a dis-united family in the United Kingdom. I have put some of it in my Bio so I can refer back to it. It is a sort of letter to myself. I encourage you to do the same and write to your Bio.It really helped me
Andy |
| yogaluz |
Posted - 02/26/2012 : 17:01:11
Hey Joy, Just saw your update. I too am dealing with sinusitis and am still recovering from Christmas (which I now loath because of issues related to my mother). Re: your parents, I believe it's typical for someone with NPD to deny the difficulties of the past and lay shame and guilt on you for bringing them up or even simply living your life within the boundaries you've created to deal with the past. My mother does this all the time and I find it enraging.
The latest chapter in my NPD mother drama is that mine can no longer afford internet because she overspent and had to file for bankruptcy which means she now CALLS me, rather than emails, and at the end of our conversation tries to tell me she loves me and when I don't respond... well you know how it is. She has so little money and is in fairly poor health and I fear the day I get the call that she can no longer live on her own or needs care. Emotionally, I simply cannot care for her in her old age and it will be a sad and painful conversation to tell her so. I cared for her all through my childhood and young adulthood with basically no childhood of my own and I'll be damned if I'm going to give up my later adulthood to caring for someone who threw her own life away when I have a family of my own to support.
I feel so manipulated by her and yet to completely break away carries with it a deep sense of sadness and devastation. But as I've written in previous posts, I have refused to play along and have had to stay away from my mother completely for long stretches of time (years in fact). When I did steer clear of her, I was left feeling like "a real bitch" (to use your words) when in fact, I was just saving myself. Try not to think of standing up to your parents as cruelty on your part - you're actually showing kindness to yourself and in some odd way, to them as well by not enabling them.
I guess I'm not offering any answers, only you can know whether you can have these people in your life on any level - just relating to your situation and agreeing as to how sick these dysfunctional relationships can make us. Funny, until I read your post, I wasn't attributing my sinusitis and joint pain to issues with my mother (I have enough other stressors in my life to go around) but will have to re-examine that one. There is a slow fire of resentment that burns in me constantly around this issue that no amount of therapy or mindfulness has been able to extinguish. The only thing that seems to bring me complete peace is snorkeling in Hawaii Seriously, I consider moving there to put an ocean between me and my mother. Maybe we should start a colony on Maui - daughters of NPD mothers and their pets
Think I'll go write one of those letters myself....
pain is inevitable, suffering optional |
| Bugbear |
Posted - 02/11/2012 : 10:30:10
Oh Joy, I really admire your sense of humour in the face of such adversity. Like they say, if you cant have laugh, you'll end up crying. Love the hornets nest analogy.
I am going to look up those books you mentioned. I don't think my mother has a personality disorder. I wish I could put a label on her or explain her behaviour but I can't. I was the last of three children with a big age gap between me and the next child. I can only accept what so many people have told me. I was my parents' 'mistake'. My father and I got on much better towards the end of his life. He was previously violent. But the emotional/psychological violence my mother inflicted on me was so much worse. She is 90 now and I won't ever see her again (she lives in another country). I thought about ringing her but at this stage I don't know what I would say. |
| Joy_I_Am |
Posted - 02/10/2012 : 08:24:41
Just popping back in for a quick refresher, because I have been struggling with a month-long bout of sinusitis and fatigue, and forgot to 'Sarnoize' it! Really, it's because my family are raising their dysfunctional heads again.
I just deleted a big, rambling, angry post there, won't subject you to it! :-) Suffice to say, I have spent many years slowly unpicking each clawed finger that keeps my dysfunctional family clinging to me, but every time there is an occasion - birthday, Christmas, mother's day - they use it as an excuse to try to reattach. It means that I feel like I am fighting for my life on a regular basis throughout the year (I hope those of you with similarly dysfunctional families will agree that that's not an exaggeration!)
The latest is some heavy emotional blackmail around a golden wedding anniversary (between my parents, who have hated each other for about 49 of those fifty years, but let's not mention that...). Believe me, there is no genuine feeling there! They show no signs of actually liking me at all - they just live in a backstabbing emotional maelstrom of their own making, and want me back as the Family Fixer, which was my role as a child. They want me to forget or underplay or flat-out deny the damage and bust-ups of the past, and press the 'reset' button, so that we can pretend everything's okay. But I know that any contact with them, or even the prospect of it, makes me angry and ill.
I know I'm going to have to resolve this, I can't keep on with this struggle every time there's a family occasion - Christmas almost finished me! I don't know where to start though. How has anyone else managed a situation like this? Maybe I just need to bite the bullet and be a real bitch. It's just so out of character... No, the annoying thing is that I can usually come up with some excuse, or even downright refusal, but they just come back again the next time and the battle starts all over again, it is like swatting a never-ending attack of hornets...
Oh well, this is a vent, but better out than in! I'm off to write one of those 'F-You' letters that you never send...
Joy |
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