| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| mala |
Posted - 05/20/2011 : 04:24:34
Hi guys. Some of you may know me from when I used to post before. I haven't in a while but would like some advice/help/suggestions/general comments anything really.
I have been continuing with treating my pain as tms and generally living my life albeit in a lot of pain. Didn't go to see any doctors but did try one or two physical trainers to try and strengthen but gave up coz of the pain. There has been no change in my back pain. if anything the knee started to act up too. Even then I have or tried to live a normal life basically ignoring the pain. Thinking psychological, reading sarno etc etc.
Anyway the last year was a bit stressful as my mom's building was being redeveloped by a big property tycoon and the agents they had sent to do the deal were being very stroppy and threatening in their attitude and my mom didn't think she was getting a decent enough compensation so my husband and i pitched in to assist. With the help of some volunteers & the local media we were able to get a lot of attention here about the lack of Govt help as well as the lack of transparency in such dealings and I think it helped a lot of other minority owners too. In the end she got a good deal but had to very reluctantly move out of the flat she has lived in for the last 50 years.
After that we looked for new place for her & she is moving into it soon. But the whole purchase/decoration/move has fallen on my shoulders which I had expected as she is 80 years old. So there is that bit of stress.
then a couple of weeks ago I stated using the cross trainer in the gym for a bit & tried cycling a little too. It would always hurt but I just kept going. there were a couple of evenings I had to go out & I wore some high heels- again trying to ignore the pain. Then 4 days ago as I was getting up from the computer, my knee sorta twisted in a mild way and I couldn't put my foot down. So I hobbled around for a bit & it got worse so my husband took me to the hospital. Xrays showed a bit of degeneration & the doc decided to give me a steroid injection at the site of pain.
My back pain is horrendous now and my knee still hurts though not as much. I look like the leaning tower of Pisa . I know webdan says not to worry about being lopsided but..... I am worried.
The last few weeks have been very difficult and I said to my husband that I wish I were dead. I'm finding it hard to go on like this. I'm in pain all the time. Nothing has changed in fact it has become worse.
Thx all
Good Luck & Good Health
Mala |
| 11 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| caligirl |
Posted - 05/31/2011 : 16:12:14
The post about your and Joys moms really hits home with me. My mom has done the same to me. I almost feel like our moms locked us in a pshyscological bubble where we are inclined to please everyone but ourselves. The worst part is that I am really angry at her, and I feel guilty because I know that I should not feel that way.
I am not up on paid meds since I refused to take them, but if counseling is an option you might want to give it some thought. |
| Joy_I_Am |
Posted - 05/31/2011 : 05:42:27
Hello again!
Just want to say, I so recognise the issues with your mother. I have come to realise that mine has Narcissistic Personality Disorder - this explains why I always felt guilty about feeling good and having friends, because she was actually jealous of me as a little kid, and would set out to make me feel bad about it. She wanted me to be only her primary caregiver, succour and mood-soother, and any self-esteem or independence on my part would have threatened that - so she systematically undermined me.
At a time when she should have been looking after me, and guiding me through childhood, she was making me responsible for her happiness, and making me bear adult issues on my small shoulders. So hell yeah, I feel angry about her, and at any contact I have to have with her (which I keep to a minimum). I don't like her, I don't love her. In fact, no one likes her, because she is a trouble-making, two-faced liar, and your phrase 'evil tongue' describes her perfectly! When I see the mess she is making of my siblings' lives, I am glad I have put distance between us.
So, before I totally hijack your thread, let me make this point: there is no anger like the anger between a mother and daughter, no one can press our buttons like they can. You are doing so much for her, and I'm sure you'll look back and feel glad you did when she does eventually pass on. But even doing the 'right' thing can be really stressful, and I hope you can remember to put yourself and your health first, because without that, you can't help anyone else.
Hug, Joy |
| mala |
Posted - 05/27/2011 : 18:55:49
Joy, thanks so much for yr very kind reply.
Iam originally from HK in that I'm 3rd generation Indian so this is pretty much home.
My relationship with my mother has always been a roller coaster one. She in turn had a pretty awful time being married to my father who was very abusive to her. I left HK to live with my grandparents in India when I was 11 to escape & my mother actually encouraged it.
There is no doubt in my mind she loves me and I love her too but I don't like her. We disagree on too many things - important things & she is a very demanding Indian mother with an evil tongue but since she won't talk to my sister, there is no one who can help her. Mind you she is still very fit for an 80 year old. Walks everywhere and this is after she had double knee surgery 4 years ago.
I hate the idea of antidepressants. I was given neurontin many years ago and it made me feel drugged and I also gained weight on it. I think its Elavil that this GP I saw wants to put me on.
I know people who hurt their back/knee/ ankle whatever and are usually pain free within a few months and back to normail. My body is not behaving like that. Iam not able to unlearn this pain.
Good Luck & Good Health
Mala |
| Joy_I_Am |
Posted - 05/27/2011 : 16:08:39
Dear Mala
I am new here, but have followed your posts for a long time while lurking! I'm struck by your very sensitive nature. I don't know if I can be of much help, but you do have my sympathy.
I did notice that you described these events as having 'fallen on my shoulders', which seems quite a direct (and apt) mind-body link! It reminded me of Louise Hay's work.
As well as the obvious practical problems of looking after your Mum (and bless you for that), I think we all feel a deep subconscious grief at the aging of our parents, and the reversal of the 'normal' state of affairs in which our parents look after us!
Also, I don't know if you're originally from Hong Kong, but I've lived abroad, and I know that it can be exhilarating when it's working, and insecurity-provoking when it's not.
Anyway, if you're unsure about anti-depressants (and I know Elavil knocked me out), maybe you could try beta-blockers - I was given a small dose for performance anxiety, and found that it can stop a TMS attack sometimes. I take a tiny, 10mg dose of propranolol as needed. I know it's prescribed more regularly for GAD.
But I am currently in the same position as you, i.e. knowing full well what the triggers are, but still not able to break the connection. It's infuriating! I can only offer you all my best wishes and hope you can ride this out - if it's any consolation, flares of pain can really make you feel hopeless - but in my experience, there are better days too.
Be well, be kind to yourself, All best wishes, Joy |
| marsha |
Posted - 05/25/2011 : 18:53:52
No side effects from ath antidepressant. Lexapro... Did have areaction to nueronton.but I am very sensitive to medication.
Let me know how you are.
Use email .
Marsha |
| mala |
Posted - 05/25/2011 : 18:38:39
Marsha,how weird that you should write about antidepressants. I went to see a very good GP, a lady doctor last week and she actually suggested that I try amptriptyline not so much for the depression but more for the pain. My initial reaction is that I don't want to go down that road for a number of reasons.
They can causeweight gain
Make you sluggish
Very hard to get off when you want to stop
I haven't yet got to the stage where i want to crawl into bed & do nothing.
But after your post I understand how it can be beneficial to some people. The GP gave me something called neurobion which is a combination of 3 types of Vitamin B. She also suspects the pain is worse because of regrowth of fibroids in my uterus. I've got 4 the largest being 7 cm, a retroverted uterus & scarring from a previous operation which I had 10 years ago to remove 7 fibroids.
It's all so vague but thx for yr post and I'm so pleased to hear you are better.
BTW have you suffered from any side effects fom the ADs?
Good Luck & Good Health
Mala |
| marsha |
Posted - 05/25/2011 : 11:25:09
HI Mala,
I have been where you are. Last year my pain was at an all time high and I felt that life waas no longer worth living. I got into bed and decided to stay there . After a few day with my family in much distress about my non participation in life I got out of bed and went to the Doctor.
I know that may members of this site do not believe in taking anti-depressants (me being one of then), but I agreed to take one. The alternative was staying in bed wishing I were dead. It took about a month with slight improvements after about a week before I no longer had thoughts of ending it all.
I can still fell emotion,cry and laugh and even get angry. The quality of my life has improved 90%.
I continue to have pain but not as frequent and not as severe. My husband and I have started traveling again and our lives are more relaxed. I pay as little attention to the pain as I can.
I think some of us are wired differently. Unknowingly we program ourselves to produce pain . I Would call it a bad habit that we need to quit.
How to quit I haven't figured out yet but I don't spend my days and nights thinking about pain.
Maybe one step today and two tomorrow. Don't try to walk a mile all at once and don't expect at the end of that mile the pain will be gone.
I don't spend much time here anymore. For me it has become a trigger for pain. I stop in once in a while and saw your post.
I wish you well.
Marsha |
| mala |
Posted - 05/23/2011 : 05:07:43
Thx for your replies. Al & Forfeet , prayers are most welcome. I think the mom thing has been up there as the root cause but I have delved into it time after time now for many years. I think by now the subconscious would have recd the message loud & clear. Its too exhausting to go down the same route again & again to no avail.
Unfortunately there are no TMS doctors in Hk or anywhere near HK so its pretty much self diagnosis . I guess I could explore Australia. It's a shorter flight there than to either the UK or the US.
Hilary I've been wanting to call you but just felt that there was nothing I could add to our last conversation as I feel I'm pretty much in a rut. I haven't checked my old email acct wher I receive Georgies updates but will look into it.
No doubt its been a stressful time. Moving is not easy especially for an 80 year old. Yesterday was a Looooong day. 17 hours . It was the actual day of my mom's move. She had 50 years worth of stuff to go thru & still there was so much that it required 5 movers to move it & then my mom, my sister & I and our 3 maids spent the whole afternoon/evening unpacking boxes. I just stuck a pain patch on and got on with it.
Don't really have a clear plan as yet so pls feel free to comment.
Good Luck & Good Health
Mala |
| HilaryN |
Posted - 05/21/2011 : 12:52:28
Hi mala,
It's good to hear from you. I was wondering how you were - I was worried after your last set of postings that you hadn't posted in a while.
Looks like you've had a lot on your plate and plenty to feel angry about! Do you get it out of your system somehow? (Journalling or whatever means.)
Did you get the latest email from Georgie? She's opening up her online discussion group to the public - limited spaces, though.
Hilary N |
| Forfeet |
Posted - 05/21/2011 : 01:12:05
Mala,
I would certainly encourage you to see a TMS doctor. Don't know if there are any in Hong Kong or not or if you ever have an opportunity to come to the U.S. Don't give up. If you haven't looked at other TMS literature, you might try Howard Schubiner's web site. There is an interview with him recently posted here. Or Dr. Brady's Pain Free For Life. Just suggestions to give you more tools. Hopefully, others here can offer additional suggestions or feedback. I'm also sending out thoughts and prayers and hope. |
| altherunner |
Posted - 05/20/2011 : 21:26:12
I am so sorry to hear you are in pain. The stressfull situation with your mom reads like a root cause. What if your pain is just a distraction, almost superficial, but so intense? It would be such a shame for you to be dead, tricked by your mind. Please hang in there, my prayers are with you. Al |
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