| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| mcone |
Posted - 03/14/2010 : 15:51:02
What are the key principles to managing anger?
How does one successfully apply them?
Still harboring Rage
I know there have been books written about this...it occurs to me that perhaps after all this time, a truly effective resolution of symptoms still eludes me (despite a heroic transformation of my life), because I'm still harboring great resentment towards "the fates" and towards people (especially family members and especially parents) that I blame and condemn for thier perceived failures in thier roles in my life.
Rage toward those who failed me
As I've journaled (not really that much), I see the same themes emeging repeatedly. For each person I can readily identify some type of critical obligation towards me where there was a failure (and a corresponding expectation on my part, seemingly entirely reasonable) regarding something essential to my survival, growth, health, or happiness.
(Typically I identify a pattern of behaviors that reflect neglect, indifference or a dereliction of these obligations)
And these things weigh upon me to no end.
(Like the fact that my father was an addicted gambler, abused his health, could never really cultivate a quality of life or a functional, healthy household for himself or his family - despite his abilities. And moreover, that his attitude towards me was derisive, characterized by shame and ridicule, even if only in subtle ways. Growing up, I generally felt this "black cloud" of added stress and fear around him.)
And that's just my father (I won't even start with my equally-pathetic mother)
And I don't know what to do with this toxic crap.
I can journal it and contemplate it, but its exactly like Sarno says - the feelings ARE too overwhelming to deal with, so they are only fleetingly or superficially experienced and then surpressed back again (into my near perpetual-state of pseudo heart attack pain and limbs going dead, and wrist pain and arm pain etc...).
The "Right" things to do?
Forgive, Forget and all that Stuff
All around us we hear the messages of forgiveness, and grace, and compassion and empahy, etc. So along these lines, I've logically arrived at:
(1)The opposite feeling of Anger is Gratitude - You can't be stuck on "injustice" and indignity, when you recognize you have "justice" or equity. so I think I should work on being grateful; and
(2) Compassion diffuses Anger - you can't maintain anger when you have compassion for someone - so understanding and compassion might help allay anger; etc.
But I'm enraged
And yet all the same, as I think about the possibility of having my own family (any surprise that my symptoms seem to be escelating now?), and I realize how F-ed these people were and how they totally messed me up, and how I can't - in a single mental snapshot - both forgive them for being NEAR-TOTAL screwups while also formulating my own resolve to be a good parent. It just seems irreconcilable and "enraging".
And I'm going through great lengths right now to consider fertility and reproductive health, or even considering non-natural childbirth methods or even adoption - because for me, the thought of having a child with a disability - either because of my more advanced age - or because of the cursed-genes I inherited from my parents, is unfathomable. (I often have felt like I would have been better off not being born and I tried to give my life back once already.) In a sense, I'm still struggling with the threshold parental responsibility issue, of whether to become a parent at all.
And this is enraging beyond belief. Because I see many examples of those who should NOT be parents having children; while at the same time, those who would likely be good parents (and I count myself among those) have been damaged by the former.
And this escelates my rage at my parents even further - because they should have never even gotten married to begin with (a marriage made in hell) let alone have children. While here I am, involuntarily alive, embedded with parental instincts that I fully understand how to excerise properly and that I would be able to fully exercise, but for the damage I feel that my parents did to me.
No Excuses - No Complaining?
And then I saw this Wayne Dwyer program about no excuses, and being grateful for you life, and no more blaming parents, etc. And I'm thinking yeah, I'm hating and blaming people, etc. But then I also feel resentful and defensive. I'm not just sitting in stew of self-pity or anger or anthing...
I dragged myself through hell in my early twenties, overcoming years of depression that nearly ended in a suicide - I wasn't supposed to even finish college, let alone graduate school. For TMS, I think I've been "navigating" this heroically, at least in every practical way: Despite all the pain and symptoms, I've completely transformed my life in every possible way. I've relocated, I'm working again (at least at the moment), developing a professional and social network again, and I'm dating for the first time in years. I'm engaged in life as fully - both mentally and phsically - as I can.
And I also regularly experiencing physical distress - and it's not always pain, it often feels like one of my legs is losing circulation or like certain parts of my body are going dead. Note that 18 months ago, the message was that I should live my life the way I want. Well, I'm doing that now - or at least doing it to the extent TMS doesn't get in the way.
But am I navigating this successfully in emotional ways?
Childhood Anger Re-surfacing?
So continued symptoms leave me wondering about this whole anger (childhood trauma) stuff. [That is, of course, when my brain isn't stuck with some morbid physiological or morbidly irreversible notion about my health] And I should also note, and observe for myself that symptoms are not always fixed - they do tend to move around - consistent with the symptom imperitive theory (but of course, I still wrestle with other "morbid" thinking about my health). And even as I write this, I'm guessing that someone is going to allude to cart and horse situation - where cultivating compassion for my parents, forgivng them, being grateful for my life, and letting go of the reactive blaming, is going to be the path for me to feel healthy enough and be healthy enough to have a family.
ps I feel a little better after writing this. |
| 15 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| RageSootheRatio |
Posted - 03/23/2010 : 08:55:46
One other thing on this topic ... Sarno also talks about the rage/ SOOTHE ratio ... so, sometimes it's not just the rage but the RATIO of how much SOOTHING you are getting in your life relative to the amount of rage you have in your life. So that is another /additional way to approach the issue of rage. In other words, it's not ALL about resolving the rage, but also about INCREASING the soothing ! I know if I focused even half the energy I spend on the rage, and put my energies into SOOTHING myself, I'd likely be a lot better off ! (still a work in progress!) |
| PRCalDude |
Posted - 03/19/2010 : 14:31:43
Mccone,
I think you're struggling a lot with your emotions. The fact is that emotions are like the weather: they come and go as they please. There really isn't any controlling them. You can just learn to defuse from them and accept them. You might try the books I suggested on my thread:
http://tmshelp.com/forum/topic.asp?TOPIC_ID=6228
If it helps, use the methods. If not, don't. |
| RageSootheRatio |
Posted - 03/19/2010 : 08:52:01
One thing Mellin's approach is supposed to do is to help prevent one from getting "stuck" in any one feeling (like getting stuck in the anger only, without feeling the sadness, guilt/regret or fear) ... she calls the expression of this range of feelings, "fanning out the feelings". And also she talks about "balanced feelings" where the anger, sadness, fear, regret/guilt can be balanced out by the "positive/earned reward" feelings of happiness, gratefulness, security/hopefulness and pride.
I have actually found some of her more basic explanations of these concepts (and others!) better explained in her very first book, "The Solution ... Winning Ways to Permanent Weight Loss" (which is obviously targeted towards weight loss, but the overall concepts are nicely explained, even if one is not wanting to lose weight.) I don't know if it's still in print or not (it's from 1997) but sometimes libraries have it (ours did) or there might be used copies available.
mcone, I do believe as you say, that deep hurts/traumas probably require a longer process to get to any kind of resolution and I have personally never found that trying to force myself to "think differently" has really been the answer. Feelings are much deeper than thoughts and that's where the real resolution has to be imho. |
| mcone |
Posted - 03/17/2010 : 11:32:08
Very insightful and thoughtful input yogaluz.
Encouraging to hear how we continue to make progress.
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| yogaluz |
Posted - 03/17/2010 : 08:59:48
Thanks for the book recommendation. Without having read it, based on the descriptions, I feel Mellin is right on. Like mcone and hriffe, I had a horrific childhood that I had to bury my feelings about in order to survive. When I had my first child 12 plus years ago, all my rage and anger came bubbling to the surface and I was finally able to face my mother and tell her what I feel she had done to my life. I continued to rage and resent her for years and years. We went through years without speaking and now only communicate via e-mail (by my directive, setting my own boundaries).
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I allowed myself to feel intense anger, resentment, even hatred for as long as it was still spinning inside me. I didn't try to deny it and it was actually so powerful to acknowledge my experience and to give myself a voice. I wish I could say I'm completely over it but that would be a lie. What I struggle with now is taking responsibility for my own experiences without blaming my mother. I am a writer and an artist but never seem to make much progress with my career - it would be so easy to fall back on: "my mother made me a defeatist, she made me believe I was worthless and this is why I'm not living the life I want." And this is partially true. My childhood laid down the foundation of my personality and thought process which I will be battling til the day I die. But at some point, don't I have to take responsibility for my own transformation? My answer is yes, but I have no idea how to get there at this point.
Though this may sound like I've made no progress, let me assure you, I have. I believe that rage spins itself out when we literally get sick of feeling so toxic. With the help of friends or therapists, or wonderful books, small bits of peace start seeping in and we realize we like how that feels and so the rage diminishes, quickly for some or painfully slow as it has for me.
mcone, since you are considering children, take encouragement from the fact that you are dealing with these emotions now because having children can be a trigger for buried childhood resentment. Doing the work now will increase the chances that the addition of a child to your life will be a joyous experience untainted by the sudden emergence of buried pain. Best of luck to you on your journey. |
| mcone |
Posted - 03/16/2010 : 14:53:46
@catspine
I hear what you saying and somehow I sense that I'm on the right path to getting there, but without the right amount of consistency, persona discipline or guidance...and yet there are plenty of resources being using successfully in this forum, For example...
@RSR
This sounds applicable to me and very promising. I just ordered the book.
And I do see the logic in this. I was forced to bury discontent and my true feelings about my father while I was growing up. The constant refrain we hear all around of "just forget about it and move on" just compounds the issue of TMS. In a sense, it may be true that arriving at some kind of resolution may ultimately be required, and yet hurts hat run very deep might need a much more extensive process to get there.
This book seem to aknowledge that.
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| RageSootheRatio |
Posted - 03/15/2010 : 21:21:05
RSR here. :o) Kind of a quick reply for now. I found out about Laurel Mellin's work through yes, MzloriNJ here, who apparently used an intensive journaling process a la Mellin's approach to help successfully resolve her TMS symptoms. I had already basically resolved my major TMS pain problem ('sinus' headaches) by the time I learned about Mellin's work, and so have been pursuing it for other reasons ...
One of the reasons I really like Mellin's work, is because there is NO LYING TO MYSELF! I can (and must!) feel what I feel. No trying to forgive or forget or feel compassion for or accept or come to terms with, or resolve prematurely or feel grateful if I am NOT feeling grateful!!! And no trying to deal with difficult issues before I'm ready or before I feel like it's something I can tackle safely! And no trying to force myself to stop feeling anything! "It takes as long as it takes" for the feelings to 'fade' as she says. It is not something that is really in our complete control.
Another reason I really like her work, is because the process she suggests (I think it is derived from John Gray's work "What you feel you can heal" .. at least part of it?) is about feeling ALL our basic feelings around a topic ... so YES I am ANGRY that ... I am ENRAGED that .. I am BITTER about.. I RESENT that ... I am FURIOUS that ... I BLAME <so and so> and on and on for pages and pages if you like, UNTIL you have gotten it all out (for this period of time.) Often during this process, the anger does "morph" into sadness ... once the anger is out and expressed, often there is sadness underneath .. so then you can get all your sadness out .. I feel sad that, I was hurt that... etc, and then onto I feel afraid, and then I feel guilty about ... Then once all the (four basic) feelings (anger, sad, fear, guilt/regret) have been expressed, there is what she calls a "limits cycle" where you can bring the "thinking brain" back in ... where you can more rationally (!) see what is fuelling the feelings and come to better terms with them or not, as we are able or as we choose! ... The whole 'how-to' process she does explain in her book, The Pathway.
Another reason I like her approach is that at the end, there is an upside! She doesn't leave you hanging out in the anger and bitterness and hurt or the painful feelings without SOME kind of better resolution ... The process is designed to leave you feeling (at least SLIGHTLY!) better at the end, with the use of the 'limits cycle'. It has been very helpful to me over time as I get better and better at expressing all my feelings and setting better "limits" for myself at the end ... even a limit like, "I am going to allow myself to feel as stressed out and angry (or whatever) about this for as long as I need to! And I will allow these feelings to fade over time as they will, on their own accord! But I will not try to FORCE myself to feel or not feel anything! I will especially not try to make myself FEEL GRATEFUL IF I AM NOT FEELING GRATEFUL!!"
If there ARE feelings that are currently too overwhelming to deal with, she suggests starting with easier things ... the point is to *reduce* stress, not ramp it up ... hope something in here is helpful,
RSR
PS I forgot to say that I had years of therapy with various therapists prior to learning about Mellin's approach, and none of it helped the way hers has! I was lacking in some basic skills which I am now getting ...
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| catspine |
Posted - 03/15/2010 : 06:08:51
Mcone
What angers you has control over you.
I read a few of your posts and there is no doubt there is a lot of anger piled up . although you seem to have a precise idea of where it comes from it doesn't yield the results you were expecting after so much work to dig it out.
Expectations is always a source of problems.
Apparently you can relate well to what you learned about the condition but still it doesn't work well . In my opinion and of course I may be wrong I think you are close and you apply the knowledge as one should but not to what would yield relief and simultaneously there is a remnant of fear that delays the recovery. I think you should focus more on why you get angry and your reaction to it rather than on who or what is responsible for your rage.
I mean by that there is not much you can do about the fact that it happened but there is something you can do about the way you think about it and this without repressing your emotions .
Maybe it is not what has been done to you or who's done it that is the most important to your recovery but the key may simply be how you think about it . What make me say that is where the focus is in your last post.
You've come a long way already but if you want to free yourself from what nails you down you must trade judgment for understanding which will help you to accept the way things are even if it's not your fault and it messed up your life because only what is accepted can be can be changed. Eventually it will lead to forgiveness and release of the tension. Nobody ever said this was going to be easy but I think you got what it takes to handle that .
Fear can not take place if there is no tension in the body and rage can not take place if there is no judgment towards others or yourself. Do what you can with what you have w/o too many expectations you'll be fine . |
| mcone |
Posted - 03/14/2010 : 22:51:20
Rufus,
Professional Help?
Not a stupid question at all. I have seen a number of therapists, but either because of my own defenses or therapists lack of knowledge/initiative or some other reason...we never really got down to these issues in depth. (I have a psychiatrist that I've been seeing recently, but really a poor fit for me, or perhaps anyone with TMS) It might make sense for me to find a suitable therapist - and some people have suggested EMDR or other "visceral" types of therapy for trauma, etc.
You have also had a troubled childhood. If you've never really dealt with, that would seem to be a good bet as a source of TMS.
Recovery Time?
It might be the case, that my recovery is only now just starting. Arguably, I was "evading" and "escaping" my real life (as it would logically connect in some way with my past) for 20 to 25 years. I basically escaped to MN for nearly 17 years so as to avoid coping with my childhood in NY. Until TMS hit me end of 2006 early 2007. And then it took at least a year or two for me to begin realistically thinking about this stuff (despite my "knowledge" of TMS and even the general issues that might be involved).
And now, finally, after living in NY for a half a year now - and having abandoned all my excuses for not fully living and advancing my life (like being in MN, for example, and avoiding dating), I'm being forced to face stuff for the first time. It's an iterative process of sorting out an enormous backlog of stuff that accumulated over many years.
It's like I'm now just getting into the thick of it. It is no longer possible for me to live the life I want without cleaning up the the polluted emotional landscape I've been living in. I don't think this process could possibly have advanced without my relocation. I only wish I had done it sooner, much sooner...(and in another post I'm struggling with the notion that a therapist that I had been seeing for nearly a decade, perhaps may not have been active enough in helping me see this...but that's another thing I'm going to have to come to terms with)
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| skizzik |
Posted - 03/14/2010 : 22:35:26
quote:
Originally posted by hriffe
but do not know where to start.
neither do we, step right in
quote:
Originally posted by hriffe
Never seen my mother, father was a severe alcoholic, he married a drug addict when I was five, she died a few years later, blah blah. But the weird deal with me is I think I had a great childhood. LOL (repressed emotions).
if TMS was a plant, you certainly had the right seed, water, and fertilizer
quote:
Originally posted by hriffe
I am envious of how you have identified, categorized your probable cause and even state the remedy. But it is discouraging for me to see how you have "progressed" (I wish I was that far along)
don't assume you'll still be in pain tommorow.
quote:
Originally posted by hriffe
I hope this doesn't sound negative, I just dread the long road ahead to recovery.
Rufus
a building can take years to construct, and a moment to demolish.
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| hriffe |
Posted - 03/14/2010 : 20:19:29
This is probably a stupid question, but have you had professional help? I think I need something more (reading Sarno's books have helped but not cured) but do not know where to start.
Never seen my mother, father was a severe alcoholic, he married a drug addict when I was five, she died a few years later, blah blah. But the weird deal with me is I think I had a great childhood. LOL (repressed emotions).
I am envious of how you have identified, categorized your probable cause and even state the remedy. But it is discouraging for me to see how you have "progressed" (I wish I was that far along) yet you are still struggling. I guess I wish you had read the book and healed on the spot. I hope this doesn't sound negative, I just dread the long road ahead to recovery.
Rufus |
| mcone |
Posted - 03/14/2010 : 19:06:16
@hriffe,
About whether finding the emotions is the cure...I've been wrestling with a sense that the process of constantly and repeatedly forcing these things out somehow forces "the cognitive restructuring" that ultimately puts these things to rest. Classic principles of cognitive behavioral therapy (but with the necessary first step of digging up the internal toxic emotions). Maybe stuff that is really rough to deal with simply takes a long time of repeated contemplation until a resolution is possible.
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| mcone |
Posted - 03/14/2010 : 19:00:44
@Hillary,
I will track down the book you are referring to. Thanks for your contribution to this post (and to my other posts).
@hriffe,
I'm apparently no master. Various opinions here on how one finds hidden emotions, whether what we think are the hidden emotions really are the hidden ones, and whether one really has to find all the hidden emotions
Personally, I think I've identified the larges "themes" that eat away at me. However it also occured to me (sometime ago) that perhaps even identifying a situation or how I feel about it *on one level* might not really be the "thing". For example, I long identified I wasn't happy living in MN, but no matter how much I thought about that, it didn't help, until I realized that the pressure to leave MN came (in part) from my father's attitudes and sense of superiority about New York (and perhaps his denegration of everywhere else in the Country pretty much) there was this internal hidden pressure coming from his influence. I felt some sense of relief when I recognized that, but then again, I still left MN and came back to NY.
Of course, having read Sarno (I should re-read) he does discuss incongruity between superego and ego (conflicts between how one part of us feels and how the other part of us feels compelled to feel) |
| hriffe |
Posted - 03/14/2010 : 17:43:28
Hello McCone,
I am a newbie to this TMS idea and am trying to find the repressed emotions that are driving my pain. It seems to me that you are aware of your source of rage. Isn't that the cure?
Rufus |
| HilaryN |
Posted - 03/14/2010 : 17:38:54
Hi mcone,
While I don't think blame is healthy, I also don't think "false" forgiveness helps either. "False" forgiveness is forgiving because one feels one "should". It's not the same as "true" forgiveness. For that reason I don't think "cultivating compassion" will be the answer on its own.
I think "true" forgiveness only comes after one has felt the feelings fully. Not wallowing in them, but really feeling them. I'm not sure how to tell you how to do that (I'm not saying I'm an expert in it), but I do like Laurel Mellin's book, "The Pathway" in which she teaches a method to avoid the wallowing adn stick to the feeling. I haven't tried it out, just read the book, but Mzlorinj and RageSootheRatio have and are full of praise for it.
Hilary N |
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