| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| jerica |
Posted - 03/06/2010 : 09:26:20
A few months ago I went to the med clinic for an EKG because I was having chest pain etc. The doc there talked to me at length about stuff and recommended Xanax and a therapist. She also told me that people really having heart problems don't come in with the pain I was having, they just come in and say "they feel like they can't breathe."
Since she said that it has been stored in my brain and I've called it up quite a few times. It may be partly responsible for my new symptoms because my NEW symptoms focus more on breathing weirdness than on chest pain. Shortness of breath, feeling smothered, etc. I am VERY suggestible. I keep thinking about what she said, esp when I feel like I can't breathe.
A couple of weeks ago my hubby had a cold and said he felt "like concrete was filling his chest/lungs." After that I started having WEIRD breathing symptoms. I again thought about this imagery quite a few times and when he said it it just STRUCK me as so awful that I put it away in a mental drawer to pull out and torment myself with.
So now today I have shortness of breath and all that, some chest pain etc and I'm just sitting here angry with myself. Why don't I give myself a BREAK? I do think I deserve a break, but somewhere inside me doesn't.
I also thought about this a lot and feel that a lot of my self punishment (masochism) is to show people who hurt me how much pain I'm actually in. It's like I'm trying to say, "See what YOU did to me?" If they can't watch you bleed, then you can at least feel sick and have symptoms that ruin your life so they can feel sufficiently remorseful for having destroyed your life.
But it doesn't work that way. My mom actually yells at me, tells me she doesn't know WHYYYYYY I always "need to feel sick." She says she's angry with me over it. She definitely doesn't recognize any pain or hurt she may have caused coming out in me.
I think I feel so HURT and unloved and just HURT and SAD that whenever someone hurts my feelings my immediate reaction is to hurt myself. I used to cut myself but I don't do that anymore because I'm afraid of infections. I ALWAYS transfer the pain I FEEL to pain in my body because my "feelings" (whatever they are when someone says "you hurt my feelings") just do it that way.
I take everything I hear and use it against myself. I want people to see how I suffer. I don't understand why, though. THEY aren't suffering, they don't really CARE! If I have a good life and I"m happy, somehow I feel like my mom and dad will get "off the hook" and not remember how they hurt me or they will think "Well we may have hurt her but she's okay now!"
I realize it's been going on for years that I've been masochistic. I am not sure what I'm doing to myself right now but I feel awful. And again, feeling GOOD isn't ALLOWED. That's ingrained in my head from my family indirectly (Mom says she never taught me that, but she did always talk about the suffering saints and the suffering people and poor people were closer and more loved by God and now she says NO, she never taught me that and god loves everyone equally.)
I feel inside like pointing my finger at my mother and father but maybe mostly my mom and saying, "YOU DID THIS TO ME! SEE HOW MISERABLE I AM, UNABLE TO BE HAPPY!!!!"
Every day is some kinda twisted homage to her insane power over me. The only answer seems to be "Just stop thinking that way, change how you think." So far that tactic hasn't worked.
I don't even know what it is I want out of all this. I just keep doing it because I don't know how to stop.
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| 11 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| catspine |
Posted - 03/09/2010 : 00:12:12
Jerica's quote:
quote:
Where does one begin to find God?
In oneself when the time is right Jerica. |
| jerica |
Posted - 03/08/2010 : 22:21:46
hopeacres, wow your story really hit home. What were your first steps in getting to know God? I have prayed and asked Him to reveal Himself but I think I'm still too blinded by fear to see anything yet. Like you said, bound by fear. It is really something that consumes me in every area of my life. One of the most important being God and where I belong in the religious and spiritual world. God can give so much peace but I have felt on the outside of that peace and cut off from God for so long. He heals other people but not me. He talks to other people but not me. And I have had people who say they are ministers, priests, nuns, theologians, scholars and so on all act like they know God and what God wants and everything better than I do. That's sorta negating the idea of a personal God. God becomes their possession and they boast of being on superior intimate terms with Him whereas the peons are always wrong in their thinking, wrong in their Biblical interpretation, wrong in their faith and prayer and so on. I stopped going to Bible studies because I got tired of always being contradicted. There's also a lot of in fighting with Christians -- I went to a non denom church for a while and told a girl I was Catholic and she looked at me like I was covered in doogie doo. I called a prayer line to pray with someone at a non denom church once and she told me to stay away from the Catholic church because it is corrupt. So I mean I'm not feeling the love, just a whole lot of "holier than thou" type stuff.
I want to find God APART from all that stuff. Apart from all the man made traditions and rules. Apart from all the people who insist that the (fill in the blank) version is THE version of the Bible to read. (One girl online argued with me that of course I didn't understand things because I wasn't reading the KJV!!)
Where does one begin to find God? |
| hopeacres |
Posted - 03/08/2010 : 16:54:40
Hi Jerica,
I can understand your intense inner struggle about what you were taught regarding God and religion. My heart broke when I read that you never felt you could be good enough. That is a terribly painful place to be.
I have been there myself.
I was raised in a Christian family and my mom was quite hard on herself; therefore, she put enormous pressure on me. The way I behaved mirrored her self worth. Mom used God to control me. I grew up with this heavy intense feeling of worthlessness and pressure to keep trying very hard to be better and do better. I was exhausted! I am sure no one looked at me and thought, "Oh, she is a Christian. I want what she has!" I was not a happy Christian; I was tired, ashamed, and felt like I was constantly failing.
I have a clear memory of accepting Jesus as my Savior when I was 3 years old. I got married at age 20. I remember my husband telling me that I did not really know who God is. He told me God is love and perfect love drives out fear. (1 John 4:18) My husband told me I am bound by fear and punishment. He said I do not love myself the way God truly loves me so I punish myself each day for not being what I think I am supposed to be.
When I began to heal from TMS for the first time I got in touch with ENORMOUS anger towards my mom. Oh my... I threw things, yelled, sobbed... that is not my nature! I am pretty quiet most of the time. I felt like a hurricane was erupting inside of me every day for many months. I could not be around my parents at all for a while. I am so thankful for my husband for he encouraged me to 'stay the course' and not give up. So I continued to write, feel, grieve and yell if need be. I then felt this overwhelming awareness that even though I grew up in a 'Christian' home I really did not know God at all. Sure, I knew all kinds of Bible stories, Scriptures, principles about God... but I did not really know Him intimately. I did not know this Perfect Love that cast out fear. I was bound by fear! So if I really knew God; how could I be so afraid?
This realization led me on my journey; the last year and a half I have prayed, "Show me who You really are, God. Reveal Your heart for me. Clear out all that I have been taught about You and open my eyes to the real You." Not much changed at first but slowly I began to 'see' Him in ways I never knew Him. He began to reveal Himself to me in other people, in Creation, and in myself which was most shocking. I began to look in the mirror and like who was staring back at me. Wow, He made me! He not only made me but when He looks at me His face is radiant with love! Wow!
So, here I am... continuing on this journey to find the real God and do away with the 'God' of my childhood. In this journey I have finally been able to release a lot of the anger... not all for I am still in process... towards my mom. Where there was a lot of anger I have found that I feel very compassionate that she has missed out on what life is really about. I have seen the areas of great confusion in her own heart and I want the same freedom for her that I am after for myself. Of course, I am not in control of her choices; just my own. (I have to keep reminding myself of that!)
I care about the pain you have felt from your dad and mom. I am sorry for the wrongs done to you. I do know that you can heal; not just physically but emotionally and spiritually. God really does want us to be free and that is such good news!
I pray for freedom in your life in every way. |
| jerica |
Posted - 03/07/2010 : 13:33:14
I'm judgmental; part of it is because I grew up Catholic. And I see things in black and white. I'm quick to judge and I'm harsh and legalistic. I have only recently been chipping away at that a bit and seeing where I don't have to be so militaristic about things. I don't have to CARE what other people do, especially if it's not hurting me (for example gay people's business or gay marriage etc.) I still have a strong sense of right and wrong so it's hard and I hold myself to really strict rules (like going to confession every week because you had an impure thought or because you missed Mass on sunday etc.)
The message being that I can never be good enough or lovable warts and all. Plus mom used to tell me about the religious people who would beat themselves and stuff. Boy did I get real weird ideas about religion and God! |
| catspine |
Posted - 03/06/2010 : 23:12:56
I do not need to know if you personally are judgmental nor do I wish to judge you if you were because ultimately I have no use for the answer but you may have a need for it in order to overcome your condition and get your life back.
I checked for the definition of masochistic in The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fourth Edition:
Self defeating personality disorder present in a variety of contexts...
In previous posts and in your own words you mentioned being masochistic. Although it is based on the personality disorder there is a notion of deserving in being masochistic and there has to be judgment in order to deserve and especially if it involves punishment.
If you tell yourself or feel that you're not normal or not good enough or that there is something wrong with you somehow for what ever reason that serves the same purpose chances are great that you must be judgmental to yourself consciously or maybe unconsciously but actually the result is pretty much the same and you are suffering .
This is why it is so important to try to forgive yourself with TMS. |
| catspine |
Posted - 03/06/2010 : 23:10:41
This post was a duplicate . My mistake. Sorry . Please disregard |
| catspine |
Posted - 03/06/2010 : 21:06:21
This post was a duplicate . My mistake. Sorry . Please disregard |
| jerica |
Posted - 03/06/2010 : 18:40:48
Do you mean that I am suffering now because I am too judgemental? |
| catspine |
Posted - 03/06/2010 : 12:40:23
Sometimes we would like things to be different but they can not be because we are not. The day we start changing the way we do things (The natives here often say : I don't care what you say because you are what you do ) everything starts to be different.
There is suffering because it is a consequence of punishment and there is punishment because it's a consequence of judgment.
No judgment no suffering.
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| jerica |
Posted - 03/06/2010 : 11:52:35
My mom is 76 now. I know she's elderly and all but I still feel angry about the whole "I did the best I could" thing. I hear that a lot, she says it a lot. I am not her so I don't know what she was capable of or aware of. I just wish it had been different. I don't think I should have been born because my whole life has been one of suffering and punishment and waste and all I have to look forward to is the fear of going to hell, thanks to mom and my religion. I am utterly hopeless. |
| susan828 |
Posted - 03/06/2010 : 09:38:03
Jerica, I feel the same anger toward some of my family members. I would not hurt my mother at this point because she is elderly and she did the best she could. I just want her to be at peace in her last years. Does keeping it in take a toll on me? Sure. But the important thing is that I deal with it myself.
You have SO much insight and you are trying so hard. Believe it or not, you have a head start. Get the books because what you're saying is SO much of what Sarno says. You will see yourself in the books. You and I are very much alike. I am also suggestible. I read something here and developed that symptom. I sometimes stay away from this board because if that.
This is a tough nut to crack, health anxiety. It stinks. Please let us know your opinion about the books. You're not alone, I also feel isolated and have no husband to share my thoughts with, just my poor girlfriends who are probably drained from my constant complaining. I had a relative say "Get over it". It hurt a lot but I can understand his frustration and that's what your Mom feels. They don't understand we would if we could. But maybe we can; we're in this together and I hope we can all help each other. |
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