| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| mcone |
Posted - 03/03/2010 : 19:09:54
{Caution: This could be a volatile topic...if anyone has the endurance to read all the way through my crap here}
Is honesty always the best policy?
When do the means of calculated manipulation justify the ends of obtaining equitable expecations?
THE SYSTEM
Ever since this crises started 3+ years ago, I've been in a never-ending battle with "the system". I'm referring to the "system" that includes healthcare resources - which exist for the express purpose of preserving health and well-being; and "private disability" insurance that is supposed to be there as a safety net - to provide a modest measure of financial security in the event that health cannot be adquately maintained. I paid for this system over the course of many years of employment - and I counted on this system to do the right thing when I needed it and became dependent upon it.
The Problem with the System:
Unfortunatley, this system has proven to be ineffective at primary goals (keeping me healthy and employed) and unreliable, unsympathetic, incompetent (and probably dishonest) at its secondary goal of ensuring financial security in the absence of health and self-sufficiency.
Three Basic Resources
When my health crisis emerged in 2006 - and upon going on medical leave in early 2007, I had three primary resources that I expected would cooperate with one another:
1. A primary care doctor within a comprehensive medical clinic.
(This was being paid for by me and my employer-based health insurance);
I was counting on my primary care doctor to:
(a) treat me effectively - or at least manage symptoms sufficiently so that I could continue working, etc. and/or
(b) escelate, advance/coordinate care as needed with other providers and specialists (if and when he was not able to treat effectively). This would include coordination with the in-house mental health provider if my condition was regarded as amenable to mental treatent. and/or
(c) If all else failed - and if available means and resources were not yielding enough impromvement for me to remain employed, properly document my condition to my private disability insurer.
2. A mental health provider (within the same clinic)
I was counting on my mental health counselor to properly work with my primary care doctor, possibly assist in advancing mental-health care in non-conventional ways if needed (i.e., TMS therapy) and, assist in coordinating communications with my disability carrier if we could not reach a sufficient level of improvement.
3. A Private Disability Insurer
My expectation of course, was that so long as I was not able to work, my disability carrier would, in good faith - honor the (partial) income-replacement benefit of the policy.
As you may have guessed from reading this far...I'm left with a great sense of resentment, feeling that EACH AND EVERY ONE OF THESE INSTITUTIONAL RESOURCES HAS BETRAYED ME / LET ME DOWN IN A SIGNIFICANT WAY.
THE PRIMARY CARE DOCTOR
My primary care doctor (that I has been seeing for checkups as such for years before my health crisis) decided that his only obligation to me - in the face of profounding disabling symptoms - was to simply perform the standard perfunctory health screenings. before declaring "sorry, nothing I can do".
He demonstrated virtually no ethic to "take-ownership" or intiative in my care - or to learn anyting about repetitive strain injuries, let alone even read a single thing I gave him about TMS and psychosomatic pain. Try as I did at several junctures, it was not possible to cultivate any kind of continuity of care or advanced treatment direction.
With respect to the alternative task of documenting disability, this physician seemed to go out of his way to evade the exercise completely; he would say things like "they can send me a form, but I can only communicate what is in the records and the testing that I did (which revealed nothing). It became evident that this would be worse than not having an effective advocate - there is a good chance that his involvement would prejiduce my claim further.
THE MENTAL HEALTH PROVIDER
My mental health provider, on the other hand, had consistently impressed me as being sincere and earnest in her dedication to my well-being and she was supportive of all of my health initiatives including the TMS work. (i.e, She may not have been an aggressive adcovocate, but she definitely was agreeable to treating in a way she could rationalize with her own experience and convictions.)
However, she struggled with the "administrative" aspects of working with my disability insurer. And after I relocated to NYC in the fall. I found it extremely difficult to obtain critically-needed cooperation and follow-through from her to satisfactorily document my continued elibibility for benefits. This went on for literally months (Earlier in the year she had been supporting my disability claim with the insurer based upon the continued emotional symptoms as well as the physical symptoms)
At the time the claim was up for re-evaluation in the fall, I was still in lots of pain, not employed, and struggling just to find a stable, affordable place to live. All told, it took over two months - including countless phone calls, emails and letters on my part... and eventually my breaking down and freaking out on the phone - until this provider finally submitted a satisfactory documentation response to the insurer. On the day that this ended - when my insurer said they had enough information, I broke down and ended up in the hospital.
THE DISABILITY PROVIDER
Of course, my disability insurer has been equally problematic. In 2008, they denied my claim based on any kind of physical condition (because standards objective tests don't reveal anything); Then, they posed the "narrow" legally-strategic question to the mental health provider as to whether I have a mental condition or mental symptoms that impair my ability to do my job. Well, some mental health providers would say, quite accurately that I don't show profounding disabiling levels of cognitive impairment, depression, anxiety, etc. (unless of course, you accept that physical symptoms are expressions or equivelents of those things). In a nutshell, divide and conquer: I have no verifiable physical condition; and I have no mental symptoms that impair my ability to work. This means claim denied in despite of the presense of severe symptoms.
{{{PARENTHETICAL}}}
STUCK BETWEEN A ROCK AND HARD PLACE WITH SARNO
Adherence to Sarno's plan complicates the insurance dimension here immensely (assuming that symptoms are severe enough to inhibit you from working - and you are dependent upon a disability income):
As we know, Sarno requires that one dis-engage with all physical treatment models - so providers that might otherwise observe and advocate for the existence of a physical condition - or at least verify physical symptoms (like physical therapists, RSI treatment providers, muscular therapists, etc.) cannot be part of the picture.
And so one is left with mental health providers which definitely prejiduces one's disability claim for several reasons. First, of course, is the perception of malingering and the like; Next, is the general non-recognition or poorly accepted convention of psychosomatic pain being a basis for disability; and finally, even when accepted, conditions classified as "mental" may pay lower benefits, have stricter work-impairment requirements and/or a much shorter duration of eligibility.
Now I can't emphasise strongly enough - and we all agree that the interest in preserving and restoring one's health is far, far greater than any interest in being eligible for disability insurance. Problem is, those interests, logically, should be not be conflict with one another - and an individual already laboring under great financial pressure, should not be forced to abandon thier only financial safety net in the hopes that pursuing a promising treatment model will yield the required result.
{{{END PARENTHETICAL}}}
THE LYING? SO WHERE DOES THE LYING PART COME IN?
I'm getting to that. To make a too-long story a little bit longer...
THE NEW PSYCHIATRIST
Just a few weeks after my disability insurer finally approved my continued disability status, I was offered employment from my old employer - to work from home as an indpendent contractor. This was a very small window of opportunity as end of year was approaching and they had a backlog of year-end projects. I eagerly jumped on the opportunity as I was already familiar with the technical aspects of the job, the work situation would be much less taxing physically than a regular "9 to 5, commuting job", and would also allow me great flexibility in work hours and routines.
So then I'm back - after two months of "fighting" to prove my disability and "begging" my mental health provider for cooperation to establish disability (energy that could have been spent so much more constructively on a million other things) notifying the insurer that I plan on going back to work!
And so the insurer (instead of being thrilled by this - wouldn't you think?) became hell-bent on exploiting this to thier best possible advantage by demanding that I now obtain documentation and a release of my "ability" (assuming of course, that I don't wish to forever waive away all possible benefits of the policy). And Of course, my suspcion was that the insurer wanted solid "ability" documentation as the perfect defense should I ever try to claim benefits under the policy again.
So now, I'm scrambling under pressure to get "ability" documentation... and I pretty much go to the first mental health provider I can find - a local psychiatrist that I found by inquiring locally. And I explain to him only what he needs to know and needs to hear --- that I had this "RSI" (and pseudo-heart attacks all the time), and although I'm not 100%, the "RSI" is much better now, and the employer needs me and the work routines seem manageable etc...and we should give it shot - and this is the best possible thing he needs to do right now to improve my quality of life, etc. So he agreed to write me "back in".
And then we agree to start "treating me" and I try to explain Sarno and TMS and how it all works - even showing him the books and excerpts from my posts etc. And he really, really, really isn't with the Sarno program - other than to acknowledge at times, upon my insistence that this is recognized by many to be a real phenomenon. But he has very little interest or inclination to actually learn what TMS is. And his "intuitions", and "insights" into my temperment and emotional states are way, way off the mark. And I am immediately put on the defensive (and his credibility is shot) when he trivializes my experience by re-characterizing it as some kind of hysteria.
SO THAT'S WHEN I STARTED THE LYING. I figured that after all the hell I went thtough to maintain disability benefits (when I really wasn't able to work) I now have no choice but to stay in treatment with him - *should I ever need to claim under that policy again*. In my experience, most providers are "very challenged" when it comes to working with disability carriers - and with TMS, there is the added hurdle of just getting the provider to believe that you have the symptoms.
Here, I have an established treatment relationship which overcomes those challenges. And even though it is of ZERO, or even NEGATIVE clinical value, I have a provider that (1) would be expected to cooperate with the process; and (2) NOT question my motivations or integrity (should I need to claim under the policy again).
I would love nothing more than to tell the truth here.Yet, I spent nearly a year with my last provider and insurer trying to explain endlessly how the greatest likelihood of improvement would come from my attempts to resume a normal life, how I needed to relocate and place myself into a healthy stable environment, and how it was not in my interest to perpetuate or escelate medical care, etc. And yet my insurer left me in a near-perpetual state of uncertainty - even extreme panic at times - and constantly demanding more medical documentation, never graciously honoring the policy and never allowing me any sense of security, or a moment of peace of mind or stability to go about my "return to life" plan.
Believe me, this is enraging...and even if one accepts the notion that TMS is a remediable type of disability, the fact remains that this insurer seemed to be acting with every motivation of improperly denying a claimant the rightful expectancy of the contract. And I was especially enraged, because here I am turning my own personal world upside down and inside out - and in the midst of a necessary "scorched earth" program to re-invent my world. I was investing great physical and emotional effort in my initiatives to re-align my life, get well and get off disability completely (See my posts on "Extreme Measures").
And while it would have been the easiest thing in the world for me to just go to some "RSI" provider (i.e., RSI/Trigger Point/Elecro accupuncture/chiropractic, etc.) and get them to certify a disability (while sucking on the teets of my health insurer), I was choosing instead, to try and actually get well. And here they are constantly and incessantly questioning my integrity about my claim to need benefits.
And so now, While I've been working from home for nearly three months, and I'm infinitely closer to feeling confident enough to find a regular "office job" I still have reservations (not the least of which is the fact that I still have pain).
This is clearly a means justifying the ends situation.
I FEEL THAT I AM MUCH BETTR OFF TELLING A LIE that can be easily be accepted and understood by the system (to accompolish a justifiable end) than to continue trying, in futility to accomplish that same end by means of telling a truth that no one can believe or understand - or a truth which seems to result in my being exploited.
And now, I'm even justifying what I'm doing on other grounds. I don't really know when my assignment is going to end...and I haven't been wildly confident about my ability and endurance to work at a "regular job" - so I haven't been looking for one - hoping that this good-fit assignment might continue indefintely.
Yet I just learned that the assignment may be ending soon, and I've started looking for another job. This time - inevitably, I am looking for a conventional "9 to 5" job. But I don't know what will happen. In fact, it might take 1 month, 2 months, 3 months or more for me to find a job (and then another few months to estblish whether or not I could sustain the routine)
In essence, if my assignment ends this week, I will be unemployed. And if I'm totally honest with my insurer and doctor, that I'm "looking for work", then I'm not considered disabled and my benefits terminate.
Now look at my situation compared to someone that got laid off:
Someone who got laid off is getting unemployment for months with many extensions - presumably a period of time sufficient to get other employment.
And me, a person without employment because of a disability is completely out in the cold without any financial buffer zone. This would seem relatively unfair when one considers that:
(1) my disabilty may have been a result (in part) of my working like crazy and over-committing to my company (perhaps a symptom of TMS) and
(2) I would now be unemployed as a consequence of my symptoms inhibiting me from confidently undertaking an employment search - in a way that I could honestly promise physical competence to a propsective employer; and
(3) until actually going through a few months of work, no one really can be certain about the extent of my employability.
And again, the laid-off person has an income and I don't under circumstances that are infinitely more trying and difficult.
So that is yet another rationalization I've come up for lying.
REACTIONS?
And I don't expect anyone to approve of this approach....
Maybe this is just my way of getting revenge on the "institutions" that have betrayed me.
Maybe this is just an ill-fated way of dealing with my rage
Maybe this a cry for help and guidance...
I can tell you that this all SUCKS BIG TIME...
|
| 14 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| mcone |
Posted - 03/17/2010 : 17:54:49
UPDATE 3/17
MORE LIES FROM ME - MANIPULATION BY MY DOCTOR?
(I need a support forum to navigate my relationship with my mental health doctor. What's wrong with this picture)
MY LIES
Saw my shrink today (after missing last week)
He immediately inquired as to my work status, stating:
"So I've known you three months, right? and nearly all that time, you have been working successfully, correct?"
(And this immediately get's me wondering whether he might be onto me...early on, I left him with a print out from the forum, he could easily go on if he had the initiative. Perhaps I'm being paranoid)
So I explained to him that I'm probably still on (temporary) assignment because (truthfully, in part) my particular boss might still be a little overwhelmed with projects and/or wants me availalble or accessible for some unique expertise.
[Recap of Prior Lies
Previously lied to him (or greatly embellished) about work "challenges" stating that:
-- I was missing deadlines because of inability to word process documents; and
-- I was ticking off colleages and business associates by sending un-proofed work or asking them to do computer tasks and administrative tasks for me; and
-- I was not looking for a permanent position because I could not honestly assure an employer that I could perform necessary work functions]
Today's New Lies
Today, *I again reiterated the part about* not searching for a permanent job* but to ehance credibility, I added that*
"I starting looking for positions that might accommodate my 'needs' / 'limitations' including part-time or flex-position work through recruiters and employment agencies. And that I've been rejected being told that 'we do not need anyone with your profile at the moment'"
When he asked why I think that is, I simply let him deduce that it may have something to do with the "bad economy" and the fact that employers do not wish to get involved with someone with a disability (he volunteered these two items) I then added, "and I also have a two-year gap in my employment record"
HIS RESPONSE / MANIPULATION?
His general conclusion to all this - the theme he started with about my having worked for three months, was this has been a positive succcess. He stated something like: "so even if you don't get any better than this, we've apparently established that you have some kind of working ability".
MY TAKE?
Now I wasn't about to betray my hidden agenda, right then and there, by arguing that my present position (as opposed to a prospective new one): 1. never required learning a new physical or social environment, 2. never required learning new technical skills, 3. requires no commute, 4. offers a light workload and great flexibility and 5. bears little resemblance to a conventional employment situation.
I didn't say any of that...
Instead I just said, "Yes, that's a great way to look at it, this has been a very positive experience" - which is completely true of course and which I agree with wholeheartedly. And yet, it is also true, or at least debatable that this experience is a not an entirely valid basis for making a definitive disability / ability determination.
So I'm wondering what his motivation really is.
Is he just trying to make me see the positive here?
Is he wise to the fact that I've completely lost faith in the prospect of this treatment relationship being useful, and he senses that I'm using the counseling arrangement as a hedge?
Is he going further and trying to affirmatively "paper" my file in the way that gives him the least amount of potential work to do?
Ironically, the more I suspect that he knows I'm trying to manipulate the process, the more I want to manipulate the process. (It "emboldens" me; or should I say "embaldens" me further!)
|
| Hillbilly |
Posted - 03/04/2010 : 21:02:09
Glad to be of entertainment value, if nothing else. It's so worthwhile to laugh at ourselves sometimes. Be well!
I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.
Ralph Waldo Emerson |
| mcone |
Posted - 03/04/2010 : 20:03:58
@skizzik:
It's all good. I know you were joking around, and my posts really can be a little obsessive.
@HillBilly:
You may have just cured me of TMS.
With that last post, you have revealed yourself as "the one" in this forum to safeguard the English language against major abuses while also advancing its utility as a therapeutic art form.
You just need the administrators to give you forum permissions to edit everyone's posts. 
Pressure is off, and now I'm done worrying about that stuff.
{mcone not even bothering to check agreement between antecedents and pronouns}
|
| winnieboo |
Posted - 03/04/2010 : 19:16:51
Too funny, Hillbilly. I often read your posts and think, "who is this guy?" I would love to meet you one day, and I'm sure I'm not the only one on that Forum thinking that. (We got to see a video of Skiz this week and now we're all excited...LOL). In any case, thanks for the background on your roots in the newspaper business. Maybe you're also a psychologist? The talent is there... Your advice has helped me greatly and when it's not piercing my particular soul, it's always pithy and so quotable, and in today's case, very entertaining.
Cheers,
Winnie |
| Hillbilly |
Posted - 03/04/2010 : 18:31:01
BTW, MCONE,
The correct expression for your subject line is "bald-faced" liar. Like naked, out there for all to see, which yours is not. Yours is whiskered with contradictory appearance. Remember, I am a former newspaper editor and sworn defender of the lexicon, having spent years reading E.B. White's Elements of Style and snobbishly looking down on all those whose pronouns are incongruous with their antecedents. Just kiddin', dude, but if you edit it, you are a doomed soul!
I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.
Ralph Waldo Emerson |
| skizzik |
Posted - 03/04/2010 : 15:32:12
quote:
Originally posted by mcone
@skizzik #2
what's your words per min typing range?
and how much coffee do you drink?
I'm a believer in dietary supplemnts and I use things that help me focus better during work hours - including small amounts of caffiene from things like gree tea and (only) decaf coffee and dark chocolate.
A good deal of my work involves writing and editing so I'm pretty proficient with typing.
at first I thought you were mad at me repeating back to me what I said as if I was a tool for asking that, but now I think you just re-wrote it as opposed to hitting the "quote" button.
I feel bad if I offended you though, I forget how taxing tms is and how one can be in no mood for joking.
Caring about how much caffine you take in or how fast you type was just busting your chops to hopefully ease some nerves, der was a lotta tension in dat der post o'yers! |
| mcone |
Posted - 03/04/2010 : 12:56:17
quote:
Originally posted by Hillbilly
Your posts are very telling of your personality. They are careful, outlined, edited, the type of thing that takes a good deal of focus and attention.
I sometimes wonder if the TMS thing is the price I pay for being so compulsive. I really value this trait as it serves me well in many contexts. But Sarno has expressly stated that resolution of TMS sysmptoms isn't about changing one's personality.
I'm never really sure - I suppose like everything else - there is are healthy ways and unhealthy ways to be super-focused.
|
| mcone |
Posted - 03/04/2010 : 12:48:01
@skizzik #2
what's your words per min typing range?
and how much coffee do you drink?
I'm a believer in dietary supplemnts and I use things that help me focus better during work hours - including small amounts of caffiene from things like gree tea and (only) decaf coffee and dark chocolate.
A good deal of my work involves writing and editing so I'm pretty proficient with typing.
|
| mcone |
Posted - 03/04/2010 : 12:37:05
@Skizzik #1:
"my thoughts were you can't accept how your'e paying the rent"YES. This whole disability thing has no place in my "Self Concept"
"No, they too are trapped in the system, and if they don't do the work, another neurosurgeon will, and it blows away they're belief system, and stresses them out too, and so hey might as well live large on the billing."
YES. AND NO. Agreed that everyone is playing ball. Everyone goes along to get along. But, I have a hard time accepting that I should live my life that way or accepting it when others are navigating through my interests that way. Ever seen the HBO series, "The Wire"? David Simon? In one of his interviews he states things like:
"These institutions exist to protect us, to serve us, and yet they figure out a way to betray us"
"On some level its a victory to just stand up and say 'I'm not going to be lied to anymore'
Elsewhere, he's expressed it as
"People who stand up and say, 'I'm not going to be part of this lie anymore'
Again, I think I'm just beginning to understand the trade-offs between being the idealist (and trying to actually live one's ideals) versus adapting to the world in graceful health way. And maybe there is some kind of balance to be struck there...
"Those 1/10th of 1 percent of course end up as the destination for all internet searches of course. So you feel you will be that casualty at some point unless you keep striving for a conventional medical fix."
Good Points. I hope Jerica is reading this too.
"I get the feeling though that you've come to the accepting conclusion and just have to get it out there to those who would understand."
Exactly!
|
| skizzik |
Posted - 03/04/2010 : 12:18:57
hey mcone,
what's your words per min typing range? and how much coffee do you drink? 
your posts remind me of when Kramer when he was all hyped up on mega caffiene because he got free coffee for life since the coffee chain burned him when he spilled it, and he was telling Jerry other than a few jitters he feels fine.
 
|
| mcone |
Posted - 03/04/2010 : 12:10:36
Thanks for weighing in guys...You both make good points.
"We are all dirty, rotten, filthy scoundrels from time to time in this world, but some of us can accept that fact and others try to hide it."
I know I tend to take myself too seriously.
It's something that I just have a hard time letting go of.
I stumbled upon a promsing attitude shift - not fully realized yet - to just try to be more aware of this and perhaps let go of things that really aren't particularly meaningul or worthwhile (i.e., to me, given my values and priorities)
"a bucket that is full to overflowing with this putrid, rotten goo of anger and frustration"?
Yes. And so many layers of it...(as I prepare to ramble on further) It feels good to be able to dump it somewhere!
I have felt pressure for a long time to "right the wrong" and "fix the system" - or at least put in a good-faith effort by using legitimate means (i.e., writing letter, finding advocacy groups, researching the laws, etc.). And the self-pressure to do something just fuels the resentment in a vicious circle:
(i.e.,"why can't these people just do thier F...ing jobs?" --> "Now, I have another job/project that I have to do" --> "why can't these people just do the right thing"?) etc.
So the lying was really just an experimental initiative to get out of that loop. No need to do any genuine "high-level" or "hgh-effort" advocacy work (i.e., beyond telling and living the truth of my situation, which I was already doing), and now, maybe I can "short-circuit" the system to the (arguably) "right" outcome.
Of course, as pointed out...this dynamic is driven by:
Too high expecations of myself - too high expectations of others... (and when do I stop taking all this too seriously?)
Does any of this really Matter?
And even as I was finishing the post,
I was starting to think that none of this really matters that much - I probably could figure out a way to survive in any event - and the demoralizing I had to go through (and which I chose to put myself through, in some repsects) may not have been worth any short term financial benefit.
(But one can easily see how this idea fuels the rage - it's as if the "system" wins - and everyone else loses - when it is demoralizing and difficult enough to inhibits people from fighting it)
So again, it's about choosing one's battles...
And is it worthwhile for me to perpetuate this?
I'm also not sure. My lies have generally been gross exaggerations, and fictitous embellishments of things already established, like the fact that I have pain. (Exaggerations and ebellishments - like my pain has been so great these past two weeks, that I've fallen days behind in my work, my clients are getting very angry and my boss is not longer finding my dependable for sending my new projects, etc. And I haven't been able to cook...or do my laundry, etc.).
Problem is, the shrink's feedback is "well, that's too bad you are going to have to lose that job, it's inevitable - and I don't see how you going to be able to work again, and its really unfortunate that you have these problems...etc." That is NOT what I want or need to hear right now! And it's basically a grotesque magnification - and re-ignition of all the insecuriites I have (or have had) already!
So I don't see how this lying thing is sustainable...
So I might have to:
Start realizing "significant improvements" (and stay with this doctor, hoping he could be useful clinically and otherwise) OR
change my visits to once a month or once every six weeks OR
decide that clinging to a hedge and needing to preseve "disability" status (even if I feel "entitled" to it)- staying with this doctor - isn't serving my interests.
|
| skizzik |
Posted - 03/04/2010 : 11:39:16
quote:
Originally posted by Hillbilly
The fact that you are feeling guilty about the way you have handled it says that you are also living under the new strain of behaving contrary to your values. This cannot be good for the nervous system. When was the last time you were quiet and at peace for even an hour?
I second Dave's agreement to the other Hillbilly quote too (wha? that makes no sense , anyways)and this quote from Hillbilly is spot on too.
I read your manifesto last nite Mcone, and my thoughts were you can't accept how your'e paying the rent. I was trying to think how to convey it, but Hillbilly did it.
At the end of the day, the doctors have to have a physical diagnosis, period. With the exception of anxiety/depression which can be billed for.
You perhaps need to accept that your'e trapped in a system that is paying the rent, and come to closure with yourself that you made an honest, heck, a more than humanly honest attempt to explain your symptoms and TMS, and if they just nod, and bill it to something else then when in Rome yada yada and your'e still a good person.
The docs and staff are the same as everyone, book appointment with patient, see the patient, bill whoever, see next patient, clean up the waiting room, have no loose ends (because the billing is hard enough when things are totally legit) and go home watch dancing with the stars, repeat. The doctor can't go to bat for you and get your bill paid by the insurance arguing that there is a nasty tms gremlin in your head distracting you with physical pain to block out nasty thoughts and feelings. He'd lose his lisence.
I've got a bud, who after a distectomy, a few mos later he's in worse pain then ever. The doc told, "well, we could go with a fusion, I could totally justify that to the insurance based on your surgical history and current pain."
Are you kiddin me? Is this a way to talk to a patient? He is the same neurosurgeon I saw with my MRI and CT, and other to say I had a "good one" (herniation) just asked what my pain level was on 1-10. When I tried to get into Sarno, or psychosomatic pain, he flipped out (with his surgical scrubs on, why he wore that into the office I don't know why other than to scare the heck out of patients) held his hands up and said, "listen, are you in pain or not? I need to know, if your'e getting thru life with tylenol and ibuprofen then stay far away from me" and left me there on the table with my list of questions for him. It's like he knew, I knew, we all knew that it's a freaking system. As long as the red flags are not there (cancers, whatever) then it's all based on the subjection of pain that you tell the doc. And he will oblige with procedeures, and billing, to move on to the next patient knowing full well that his patients regardless of convetional medical treatment are simply getting a little relief with each surgery but in a 1 step forward 2 step back way. He knows they will be back in time, and he will follow the protocol of sugeries until you move on to the next doc or die. Is he greedy? No, they too are trapped in the system, and if they don't do the work, another neurosurgeon will, and it blows away they're belief system, and stresses them out too, and so hey might as well live large on the billing.
Per Sarno, your'e going to the doctor to rule out red flags. Then your'e on your own. If they don't say "get to the ER now, or you need to have surgery next week, then you really need to make a decision to "let go"; -or- you can keep searching internet stories of the 1 tenth of one percent of people who found the doctors to be wrong after numerous tests and you had a rare disease afterall. Those 1/10th of 1 percent of course end up as the destination for all internet searches of course. So you feel you will be that casualty at some point unless you keep striving for a conventional medical fix.
If you're in too much pain to work, then accept the rules of the country your'e in, and the system it has to pay your bills until you can work, thats God/universe whatever working for you because you are a good person, so accept it. If you were raised in a black and white uber organized religious household, where theres right and wrong and no inbetween, then tension you shall have until you can let go of it.
I get the feeling though that you've come to the accepting conclusion and just have to get it out there to those who would understand.  |
| Dave |
Posted - 03/04/2010 : 09:59:28
quote:
Originally posted by Hillbilly
We are all dirty, rotten, filthy scoundrels from time to time in this world, but some of us can accept that fact and others try to hide it. Those who accept it are healthier.
Nice way to put it.
|
| Hillbilly |
Posted - 03/04/2010 : 07:19:25
Your posts are very telling of your personality. They are careful, outlined, edited, the type of thing that takes a good deal of focus and attention. The fact that you are writing in this way is indicative of strain. And the subject matter is all about a black hole of arcane and esoteric rules and a bureaucratic labyrinth that you now face because of your need for cash and inability to work a 9-5er. Joseph Heller would have been inspired. The subject of chasing dollars through this maze is dizzying. Your condition — if you are accepting it as such — is emotional in nature, fueled by strain, frustration, fear and "bad" thoughts.
So think of your being now as a bucket that is full to overflowing with this putrid, rotten goo of anger and frustration. How does all this help empty the bucket? The fact that you are feeling guilty about the way you have handled it says that you are also living under the new strain of behaving contrary to your values. This cannot be good for the nervous system. When was the last time you were quiet and at peace for even an hour? You will not get well so long as these things continue to occur.
We are all dirty, rotten, filthy scoundrels from time to time in this world, but some of us can accept that fact and others try to hide it. Those who accept it are healthier. Stop worrying that you are awful. The fact that you posted it shows that you have a sense of remorse. Most do not, especially if their survival depends on it.
I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.
Ralph Waldo Emerson |
|
|
