| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| winnieboo |
Posted - 02/19/2010 : 17:25:46
Um, I'm kind of a mess.
As usual, I've been hiding my deteriorating condition from friends and family, but I'm finally so frustrated, I'm reaching out.
You may have noticed my answers on some of the threads, but I'm really not feeling like I've got control of much. I have a pocketful of new diagnoses and I'm in pain mostly every day. I'm three days off, three days on with migraines. The pain associated with those manifests as stabbing facial pain, jaw pain (the dentist has me wearing a TMJ mouthguard at night, which helps somewhat), upper back and neck pain and this week, the neck pain has creeped down into both my arms.
I stopped Pilates and other gym classes in favor of stretching at home and even that is killing me.
I "know" what's wrong: I hate my job but can't really quit (it's complicated, I work in my small community and I'm in a service business--I have several clients and don't want to leave them high and dry right now, since I haven't figured out what I'd do instead.)
I'm close to facing an empty nest and I loved being a Mom. Big sense of loss. That's just the immediate stuff. Then there's the large trunk of garbage from the past that I was supposed to "let go of" in my last round of therapy: sexual, emotional and physical abuse as a kid and alcoholic parents who, just to complicate things, really loved me and my siblings. They were just really inept. I think I've forgiven them mostly, but is this pain a sign that I'm lying to myself about that? Recently, I've been calling my elderly mother weekly. This is new, as I pretty much avoided her for years and oh yeah, I moved 2500 miles away from her 20 years ago.
I left therapy six months ago which was a huge relief for me. I am so tired of therapy! The psychodynamic theory kept me drudging over my childhood issues in an effort to understand. So now, I get it! I also really disliked the woman I was working with. But I'm thinking that I probably should find someone new. I haven't even tried because I'm dreading the process (of finding someone and of being in the chair again).
In the meantime, my focus is 100% back on my symptoms, my TMJ, my migraines, my neck pain, my inability to do much comfortably, even sit in my bed and watch the Olympics. I don't really feel the "fear" of the symptoms at the moment. I mean, I know that all my tests have turned up nothing abnormal (with the exception of a bulging cervical disc three years ago). I've found myself taking very long showers to ease my aching muscles, wondering if fibromyalgia is real and if I should accept that some rheumatologist told me I have it (old diagnosis, from 2008).
How many more self-help books do I have to read??? I must be stupid, because I am just not getting cured. Was thinking maybe I should try Shubiner's course. Any help is welcome. |
| 20 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| jerica |
Posted - 02/28/2010 : 10:04:12
quote:
Originally posted by winnieboo
Lately, I've been thinking that I should have pursued a career as an artist,and if I had (teehee) none of this TMS stuff woulda happened! I actually always wanted to be a book author, but I've never fully set my mind to that either (fear of failure). Also, EVERYONE, including my last therapist, has informed and/or reminded me that YOU CAN NEVER EXPECT TO MAKE ANY MONEY from writing!!
I'm also an artistic type person, not a sales person at all. Not a business oriented person. Wanted to be an author from the time I was 11. Have been told countless times why I shouldn't bother, how I can't make a living, how I'll end up on welfare etc. I gave up writing for a long time because of that and have tons of partly finished projects on my computer. It is so depressing. It is like anyone who isn't an artist will be focused on money first and go into a job that will get the most money. The focus is always money. Why does it have to be, isn't this MY life?
I abandoned my dreams because of people telling me I couldn't do it. And I have made some money off writing, I've sold stuff online and been published in print but I gave up before I really gave myself a chance to finish a novel and try to sell it. I still want to, though.
IN 2008 I did nanowrimo (nanowrimo.org) and actually "won" (you don't really win anything, your "win" is that you write 50,000 words in November) so that was heaps of fun. |
| winnieboo |
Posted - 02/28/2010 : 08:01:42
Thanks, cats. And Koukla, the website is great--spent some time there this morning. Thanks again. |
| catspine |
Posted - 02/28/2010 : 00:19:29
Hi Winnieboo,
I like you style and the content of your posts I'm sure I'm not the only one so please keep on posting...singing cooking and playing.
Well, that was a big step, and even if you struggle a little to replace the source of income at least you know more distinctly now what was behind all these bad episodes .
I wish you the best in your new endeavor for happiness and you don't necessarily have to give up being a writer... Instead of googleing for tms related issues you can now spend more time writing. My wife is an artist because she doesn't know how to do anything else , she often thinks of herself as a failure because she is not yet where she wanted to be although she is very good at what she does. I can tell you that perceiving yourself as a failure has nothing to do with how good you are because it is not how it works. Lousy artists get the job right in front of her sometimes who is way more experienced than those guys were and she thinks it's unfair but that's the way it is.
The market dictates what publishers want and if you happen to have it they will have an interest in you experienced or not and once you get there that's when qualities like experience can make some difference to your advantage.
Here is a mith buster : read the biography of your favorite writers and others it can be enlightning about this facet of their writer's life. You're never given the chance to make a wish without what it takes to make it come true.
Your quote quote:
Also, EVERYONE, including my last therapist, has informed and/or reminded me that YOU CAN NEVER EXPECT TO MAKE ANY MONEY from writing!!
Well, obviously it is always very difficult to find someone who is encouraging because they don't have what it takes to do so most of the time: You need to hear how to do it, not why you can't do it...
Have you asked someone who did succeed at making a living from their writing? They may not give you the little secrets of the trade but they will tell you it is possible to do it or else they would be lying to you, correct?.
Did you ever hear about the Huna Way? by Serge Kahili King.
Do what you want to do and enjoy doing it if it's meant to be it will be but do not go into this with expectations or TMS might get you again.
The best option at this time would be to have the best of both worlds for a while or in other words run two things in parallel and then drop the one that you no longer need once you've reached cruising speed. How does a part time job and part time writing sounds to you?
You may not know how fortunate you are to have something you'd love to do if you had a chance. So many people will never even get close to that.
You know G.B Shaw said the most sincere love is the love of food.
If being an author is what you're craving for and need above all you already have all it takes to go where you want to be .
And even if TMS doesn't go away after that it's still better to have pain for something you like than for something you don't. |
| winnieboo |
Posted - 02/27/2010 : 19:33:04
Hi Koukla,
Thanks for your reply. I seldom start my own thread and I'm somewhat embarrassed that I started this one. Ten days ago I was flailing and fragile, but things look a little better now and I'm feeling stronger.
I have a number of creative outlets and I agree with you that they are very important. I cook, I'm a singer and just joined a big choir, I love to write, I play piano, work on my house (constantly editing the decorating, remodeling whenever we can afford) and am happiest when I'm creating and no one is judging me. Lately, I've been thinking that I should have pursued a career as an artist,and if I had (teehee) none of this TMS stuff woulda happened! I actually always wanted to be a book author, but I've never fully set my mind to that either (fear of failure). Also, EVERYONE, including my last therapist, has informed and/or reminded me that YOU CAN NEVER EXPECT TO MAKE ANY MONEY from writing!! Finally at 50, I feel like the money matters less. I had to make money at most points in my life.
The job that I currently have is the suckeist. It's big-stakes sales, and while I've got many of the correct traits, including perfectionism, attention to detail, smart enough, etc., the drumming up business and inevitable rejection that salespeople go through crushes me. Additionally, I haven't given it my all for two years (been whining about my pain, LOL--talk about FINALLY seeing a huge thing in my life that I've been avoiding, hence the pain), and when you half-a-- sales, the money sucks. A bad place for me now, and a bad slot for me in the first place.
This past week, I allowed myself to FINALLY say, "no more new business" because I'm getting out of the business. What a weight lifted, and as you say, my attitude shifted and I felt calmer, more in control. I lost a client a few days ago and instead of feeling down, I was relieved. I've been googling jobs and graduate school options (LOL, I'm 50!) instead of symptoms this week. Excellent change. Many thanks
Winnie |
| koukla |
Posted - 02/26/2010 : 16:30:46
Hi Winnieboo. I was just wondering if you have some sort of creative outlet. I can tell you from personal experience that it is a great release for negativity of all sorts. I think that is the reason why I love art so much. I'm not saying that you need to go see an art therapist, but I find that when I'm in a state of "flow" or "in the zone" working on some project my pain goes away. I think this is because I get really involved in what I'm doing and therefore am not obsessed with my body, and also the brain releases endorphins.
Your job situation reminded me of Kate Swoboda (a life coach) had a "job suckage challenge" on her blog a few months ago. It was a series of coaching exercises to help people either improve the job they have currently or discover what they would rather be doing. I found them to be helpful for me with my job. Here is the link: http://www.yourcourageouslife.com/blog/category/job-suckage/. Perhaps if you start taking some actual steps toward improving your situation, even if it is just an attitude shift, it would help you to feel more in control. |
| catspine |
Posted - 02/26/2010 : 14:19:14
Hi Masha
Thank you for your insight, I was asking about hypochondriasis because I see the term coming back often and being associated with TMS or Fibro etc but I'm glad I didn't strike you as being affected by this in a major way.
For me finding out I had TMS explained many things I had like migraines and back problems ,it enabled me to overcome these difficulties. Those went away but the syndrome imperatives took over after awhile with the usual stuff that comes along with it some hypochondriac behavior was part of that too at times of doubt. We are not always as strong as we think we are in times like that but once I knew what it was everything fell into place and it became easier to do something about it. Some physical symptoms remain to a degree but the "attachments" resulting from the these symptoms hare mostly gone now.
I'm not certain that visiting the conscious or unconscious past would unlock anything for me I have no regret for what I did or was done to me and the future is hard to foresee so I don't even go there.
What ever happens that's just the way life is.
Not paying attention to what ever I felt and living accordingly made me think I was invulnerable to feelings for most of my life (I simply thought that pain was due to some physical abnormality so I had no idea until I was introduced to TMS the hard way that emotions had or could have an impact later on but it made sense when I read it so I totally accepted that the day I found out about it because it was the most logical explanation).
There is an ocean of emotions that have been completely ignored over the years to the point that I'm tempted to say it's not one in particular that led to my problems today it's ALL of them and every one more so than an other. That makes it easy doesn't it? . Not to feel anything was a way of life that served me well except for the migraines and later the back pains or course . As long as the mind would think it the body had to follow and the amazing part is that it did for all these years and I could keep on doing it again and again everyday.
If I found a way I probably would do it again but there comes a point when the mind/body is objecting to any request even the most reasonable ones and rebels at will since it found a unmistakable way of telling me it had enough and I must take that into consideration now somehow so I take it one day at a time.
I do not consider myself being a victim of this illness for it not hard to figure out that it comes from years of abusive behavior burning the candles by both ends one after the other. The machine is wearing itself out obviously.
In my mind TMS to me is only a consequence of what I did and must be dealt with accordingly and that's okay. The most difficult part is to know what to do with the feelings nowadays, I can't repress them or my condition will get worse and I can't ignore them as I did either at this point because there is a tsunami of them . So what do I do with it ? is there an other solution to this problem?
The good news is :
Yes maybe there is , it's called the present moment and one thing at a time. |
| marsha |
Posted - 02/26/2010 : 07:41:38
Also, I do not think you are a hypochondriac. That term implies to me that you are deliberately using illness as an excuse not to participate . TMS is not something we do to ourselves on purpose
Marsha |
| marsha |
Posted - 02/26/2010 : 07:32:10
Catspine,
Finding out why every ache and pain gets turned into a major illness would be the beginning . If you are unable to find the answer on your own analytical psychotherapy helps.
Also journal. Sometimes revisiting the past helps to identify those occasions when you began to feel ashamed, afraid, sad or raging. For me those were the times my physical pain started to get out of control. My body began using the pain to suppress the emotion .
Find the feelings you are running away from.
Good Luck.
Marsha
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| catspine |
Posted - 02/26/2010 : 06:17:44
Is there an official cure or treatment for hypchondriasis by the way ? |
| catspine |
Posted - 02/22/2010 : 14:33:11
Hi Susan
Thank you for your honest reply.
Yes I'm sure trying to be happy can get difficult sometimes especially if being in a good relationship is key to your happiness. The funny thing is it doesn't have to be difficult really.
Happiness in my terms is simply something to be enthusiastic about and I attach no sense of permanency to it, I mean it comes and goes like anything else and that allows me to easily squeeze it in between difficult times as life goes on. I just can't wait for it to maybe show up one day when all the conditions will be right. I did that and ended up spending years single. It's not that there were no opportunities it's just that I was more like I was not ready because I couldn't find what I was looking for until I changed the way of looking at it. I do not regret those single years of course as there were great times in it too, it was just different.
quote:
...when you don't have one good relationship, it just isn't the same. I fear meeting someone because I don't know who would put up with the anxiety I have about my pain. Most men would run unless they know you already. Or unless they see enough good in you to stay. ..
Yes many men (or women by the way) would run as soon as they see or hear something they don't like but this is just as well: you don't want to get stuck with one of those anyway so the sooner you find out the better. You surely do not want someone to love you for what you have instead of who you are. There is plenty of kind people in this world feeling alone and looking for someone who can understand them and accept them just the way they are and if your pain goes away when you're are near one of them it is not rocket science:The chemistry is good.
The issue here is how to deal with the risk of the whole thing falling through and the consequences it would have on your health but you know it's not much different from running out of migraine pills at the worst time: It can happen. We just never know what's going to happen that's why being in the present moment is so important to keep the fear at bay. We can only hope it will be alright, so why not take the risk to be happy? Hope is a very good tool against fear because the brain can not hope and fear at the very same time . If worse comes to worst then you 're just back where you were and ready to try again.
An other thing is that it would be hard to find someone with nothing wrong with him ...We all have an issue or another so all is needed is a good communication and an understanding about how to deal with the problem when it surfaces. Not to mention that if you're happier chances are that the bad episodes wouldn't be as frequent.
Susan I'm not saying this is easy here I'm saying that what ever may bring a beneficial change is worth trying even if it's not perfect.
TMS is very receptive to changes...
I forgot to say please do not let your condition alter your worth in the eyes of someone else , in any case it is not here to stay forever.
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| susan828 |
Posted - 02/22/2010 : 05:23:24
Hi Catspine, Oh that it were that easy :-) It just seems like a vicious circle. You're not getting too personal, by the way. I hate the new saying "too much information". I try to live my life getting to know people well and on a board like this, where we're anonymous, it's no sense to post unless we're upfront.
Life hs taken some bad turns for me, lots of losses and it's hard to be happy. I have some great stuff in my life but when you don't have one good relationship, it just isn't the same. I fear meeting someone because I don't know who would put up with the anxiety I have about my pain. Most men would run unless they know you already. Or unless they see enough good in you to stay. We all know that we're comprised of a whole lot of good qualities...the pain is just one aspect of our being. I said this in one of my first posts but will repeat it...I know that people with our condition are generally the nicest and most sensitive people. That's what got us here in the first place...prolonged muscle tension because of living in this difficult world with not so nice people, bosses, the stresses we all face.
I appreciate your thoughts and just to let you know I am trying to be happy, I read so much, could open up a library and like Winnie said, how many self-help books can we read, LOL...the quest for happiness is in all of us and I hope to go upwards. |
| catspine |
Posted - 02/21/2010 : 02:29:05
Hi Susan
I was reading your post again when something caught my attention.
I may be wrong but it seems like your condition improves if your happiness does regardless of it arising from a separation or new relationship. Would it be easier to try to fix your happiness instead of your body's pains and aches? Nothing personal here I'm just trying to figure out a way to get the recovery jump started since it's almost like you're struggling with technical difficulties. |
| catspine |
Posted - 02/21/2010 : 01:21:02
Alright Winnieboo, sounds good.
To make it a wise move please don't forget that the key is to do something you like instead something you 've been longing for for a long time and you'd have 50% of the problem at least taken care of...and if you can make a living at it it's a winner!. in any case it will at least tell you if the migraines had something to do with it.
Oops! Sorry I don't know how I ended up posting twice the same thing in this thread ... |
| mala |
Posted - 02/20/2010 : 17:56:08
Hi Winnieboo,
quote:
I actually felt better today. I forced myself to journal, something I don't love doing, and I wrote 10 pages. Most of the issues I was aware of, some not. An informative process to be sure.
So glad you are feeling slightly better. I'm like you - I don't like to journal but I know I need to . I know I have issues but so much is repressed or things have happened so long ago that they all been 'conveniently forgotten' but they haven't really have they?
I am amazed at how when I start writing that one thought branches out into so many other thoughts/feelings/emotions and I begin to see things in a completely different light and I see a person that I never really saw before. It's like discovering who you really are as opposed to who you really think you are.
Along with the journaling of course is the determination to try not to let fear take over ( a difficult one for me), believe that the pain is not permanent (conditioning) and perhaps find someone you can talk to who is willing to listen without being judgmental.
Good Luck & Good Health
Mala |
| winnieboo |
Posted - 02/20/2010 : 16:32:21
Hey Cats, thanks for the support. The job has to go. I need to find a way to transition out of it. Indeed, conflict can make us sick...Gibbon, I checked out your website and it's great.
I actually felt better today. I forced myself to journal, something I don't love doing, and I wrote 10 pages. Most of the issues I was aware of, some not. An informative process to be sure. |
| catspine |
Posted - 02/20/2010 : 14:18:19
quote:
Originally posted by catspine
winnieboo
quote:
if you met me, you wouldn't know there was anything up or "wrong" with me. When I do mention to someone that I walk around with a migraine every other day, they're shocked. ... In life, I show a positive side to world, while turmoil is obviously wrecking havoc in my muscles and joints.
Yes I easily believe that and that's a wise thing to do just imagine what a mess it would be if TMS was also taking over your social relationship to the world !. The good thing about it is that it's not dangerous to your muscles and joints so you can do it . After I became back pain free I was amazed that no sequels at all remained from these paralysis and terrible pains I truly thought I was going to be crippled for life after that. So now I see what's left or comes up as an annoyance that will go away sooner or later . I have a high threshold for pain probably because of the years of dealing with migraines and I believe it is what allows you to walk around with it too most of the time. At least we got that out of it !
I was talking to a friend about the evolution of the situation yesterday and she said : Well it doesn't get better but it doesn't get much worse either and it's been a year now so you know you'll be alright because if it had to get worse you'd know already... so keep on doing what ever you're doing to hang in there and you'll be ok.
Hummm! there is some truth in there.
As she said that I realized how stupid all this really is. My mind is creating my limitations when I know that it can also set me free from it, so what am I going to choose?
Your friends and family feel for you and probably have your best interest in mind but there is still a need that's not fulfilled.
I do think that changing your job would probably improve your health situation Winnieboo. The reason is very simple : It reappears in your posts regularly and it must be a factor in your condition and you don't need a shrink to tell you that.
What I think you'd need one for is to help you by telling you how to accomplish that without the negative side effects emotionaly. In fact it's clear that you can't make an omelette w/o breaking some eggs but the therapist should be able to find a way for you to do that according to your history and personality and in regard to your concerns and health issues. It is the positive effect it will have on you that you want to exploit not the negative ones you already know about. If the therapist doesn't want to go there, read biographies, seek the advice of people who have done it, listen to their story good or bad sort it all out take a risk and make the best of it if not in one shot then gradually. For one thing it will change your priorities and focus so the pain might even recede.
I've given up security so many times already and left things up to chance repeatedly. it was very scary at the beginning because I had no idea what was coming next but every time it worked out because there was always something in there I needed and I did not have too many expectations. Now the process almost looks appealing because I know that there is always something good that comes along with it.
Even more bizarre is that I can now perceive the time for change coming in many ways and if I start to deny it the nasty side effects are not far behind until I eventually yield to the need and all looks familiar and better again...
What good is it to maintain a situation that makes you sick? You can not heal as long as there is a big conflict between your minds . Under normal circumstances it's already a challenge but when the nervous system is already overloaded there is no more room for compromise so want it or not something has to give.
The beautiful thing is you still can decide what : your health or your job or your relationship or your life style etc...you name it, something, it's all a matter of a decision to make here and don't worry, if it makes sense to your unconscious it will go along with it gladly and will even be supportive.
It is always what you need that matters most.
Finding a way to get what we need ( what we want is a different story) is an excellent therapy and it makes life very interesting. Later on it gives us a story to tell.
Have yourself some fun.
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| catspine |
Posted - 02/20/2010 : 14:04:51
This was a duplicate of the post above so I removed it .C |
| Gibbon |
Posted - 02/20/2010 : 10:30:53
quote:
Originally posted by winnieboo
Thanks for your responses.
Gibbon: Thanks for the link. SO interesting. One can say, "start journaling again," but the link's brief abstracts say it better, with compelling evidence that journaling works. (And I'm not a keen believer in journaling) Wow. Particularly impressive were the Epstein-Barr patients whose blood titers improved after a period of journaling. How do you argue with changing cell structure or immune function?
Glad it helped! I've been putting some work in (along with other TMSwiki volunteers) to try and get a really comprehensive page on the medical evidence for TMS techniques - for some people the success stories are enough, but i think people interested in science really benefit from seeing that there is some basis in science for all this....
I think sometimes that thought just needs reinforcing 
Check out the TMS website: www.rsi-backpain.co.uk |
| winnieboo |
Posted - 02/20/2010 : 08:43:47
Thanks for your responses.
Gibbon: Thanks for the link. SO interesting. One can say, "start journaling again," but the link's brief abstracts say it better, with compelling evidence that journaling works. (And I'm not a keen believer in journaling) Wow. Particularly impressive were the Epstein-Barr patients whose blood titers improved after a period of journaling. How do you argue with changing cell structure or immune function?
Intellectually we all know the importance of staying positive, but practicing it is another thing. Funny, and I imagine it is this way with many TMSers, if you met me, you wouldn't know there was anything up or "wrong" with me. When I do mention to someone that I walk around with a migraine every other day, they're shocked. I guess I allow myself to be honest on the Forum. In life, I show a positive side to world, while turmoil is obviously wrecking havoc in my muscles and joints.
Susan: I'm sorry for what you're going through and all you went through. It helps to know you're there, and your empathy is comforting. So much of our experiences match. Drugs haven't been an answer for me either. I often thought recently that quitting my job would relieve the pain, but everyone from shrink to husband to friends plead with me not to give it up without another job or plan, as they argue that unemployment or too much idle time won't agree with me either. In any case, thanks for listening. I will check out Devin Starlanyl. I don't know about her books, as I completely rejected the fibromyalgia diagnosis when I received it three years ago. Just never went there. I remember making an appointment at a Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue treatment center in my area, but cancelling in favor of seeing a TMS shrink. She, as well as other medical doctors I saw, insisted that fibro was what doctors labeled you with when they couldn't fit your symptoms in any other diagnosis. She convinced me that it wasn't something medical science could treat and emphatically instructed me to "throw the word out."
Winnie |
| Gibbon |
Posted - 02/20/2010 : 01:48:40
Hiya Winnie
sounds like you're having a tough time. You mention Dr Schubiner's course - from your post i'd say you'd definitely benefit from some professional support - that should be number one on the list of things to do.....!
Re fibromyalgia - there's a decent amount of medical evidence that meditation can significantly reduce the pain levels. One study in particular might be of interest - it found that meditation was very effective - but not when the subject was overhelmed by negative feelings. It seems that this negated the meditative benefits....
If you're scientifically minded, here are the journal abstracts http://tmswiki.wetpaint.com/page/Annotated+Bibliography#mjr
Try to stay positive
Andrew
Check out the TMS website: www.rsi-backpain.co.uk |
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