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T O P I C    R E V I E W
basil Posted - 01/11/2010 : 10:47:06
But I am so desperate I don't know what to do anymore. I am honestly on the verge of suicide. I am attending a day clinic as I actually reported my suicide intentions. They are trying to keep me safe for now but I cannot bare life like this anymore.

My arms hurt 24/7 and the Tms treatment has not worked for me. 2 and half years and only anti depressants took it away. Why does it not work for me????? I am so angry at being left behind. I am lost, all I do is cry and beg for it to stop. I honestly do not know how much more I can take.

I have lost my flat, my partner and on the verge of losing my job. Been off sick since November since coming off Anti depressants. Partner is pregnant and says I am useless to her like this, which I am.

I have seen 10 doctors, 1 neuro, 1 physio and 1 chiro in the last month. They have diagnosed me with anxiety and say there is no organic cause to my pain. Guess that's the best diagnosis but yet the pain still continues. Physio and chiro do say posture but are bewildered by lack of improvement.

I discovered sarno in June 2007 and have never made improvements apart from when taking anti depressants.

I had to go down the NHS route as I still had the pains and my family insisted. Physio says I don't even have symptoms of RSI as no loss of strength etc. Just same f*cking dull ache everyday. I smashed my room up last night and nearly broke my fingers on purpose, I need to be fixed. I am so embarrassed by this but I am lost.

The day clinic say I am experiencing psychosomatic pain caused by anxiety but it just never gets better. Switches arms everyday and sometimes my back.

The panic and fear just takes control of me. My mind constantly thinks about it and what it is. I know this is all against what I have read but how can I stop if I never improve. I am so scared.

I tried going back on anti d's but had an interaction with some herbal meds and I ended up manic for 1 month and admitted myself.

I see councilors everyday and saw someone a few times for my emotional abuse form my stepdad as a child. I am running out of money though.

I am off all meds and they refse to give me anything for the pain. I honestly feel like jumping off a bridge now.

I probably shouldn't be posting like this and its not fair on other people but I am so desperate. If I have gone to far expressing how I truly feel I will leave the forum. I do not want to make anyone feel uncomfortable.

If this hasn't worked for me where the hell do I go now?
20   L A T E S T    R E P L I E S    (Newest First)
skizzik Posted - 02/03/2010 : 19:51:58
according basil's bio he's up and out of bed and not depressed. So hopefully thats a recent posting, hoping he will post again. It was quite the fist post he put there. Lot of prayers goin to him.
koukla Posted - 02/03/2010 : 17:21:08
Hi Basil,
I was just reading through this thread and I'm sorry you are in a bad state right now. It seems like you are very overwhelmed with your thoughts and it reminded me of something my mom said to me this morning. I'm struggling with some tendonitis tms stuff in my arms right now and I'm feeling really discouraged, and when I was talking to my mom, she told me about this part of the bible that says to "hold every thought captive." It means that when thoughts come into your head you can stop them. You don't have to dwell on things that happen to come into your mind because you can choose to turn those thoughts out and think about something else instead. I found it to be encouraging for me and I've been practicing it all day today, trying not to keep bad thoughts in my mind until I get all worked up and panicky. There was this book that I also read once which really helped me called "How to Win Over Worry" by John Haggai. It was published something like 50 years ago, but it was good. I said a prayer for you too, so I hope you don't mind. -Carolyn
catspine Posted - 01/24/2010 : 00:47:14
Hi Basil
How are you doing these days?
skizzik Posted - 01/16/2010 : 14:48:55
hi basil,

I started reading this earlier today, and finished just now. I was thinking of writing a long rambling post, but I'd probably just repeat what everyone has already said.

I'll say this, everyone here on this board has been where you are, and many more than once, and perhaps again in the future. So just know that even though you feel like a crazed psycho misfit in your life, on this board you're just average and normal and we like you here.

Perhaps you just need to go out and get wasted for a night. Call gramps and tell em the first round is on you, go watch the playoffs and get a cabride home.

Wavy Soul Posted - 01/14/2010 : 07:03:56
BASIL - check out some spiritual help as well! When I'm going through my version of what you're going through, reading certain spiritual books is a lifesaver. I like Joel Goldsmith books and Eckhart Tolle.

Hang in there, bro!

Love is the answer, whatever the question
la_kevin Posted - 01/13/2010 : 16:18:47
I was motivated to post on this after listening to a song called "In fiction" by one of my favorite groups "ISIS".

So I read your posts and I'm glad you're still here expressing your thoughts. Having thoughts of suicide is a big thing with chronic pain sufferers. We all know how it feels, some of us more than others.

I guess I could rant about all the things I think you "should" do or give all my unsolicited advice, but I won't.

Just wish you all the best from staying out of the dark place we can all go to in our minds. It sucks, the whole thing sucks...

---------------------------
"Life is what happens while you are busy making other plans"- John Lennon

"TMS is just as afraid of us succeeding, as it is us failing" - Me
Hilary Posted - 01/13/2010 : 15:40:51
Just seconding drziggles here. There's far too much stigma around depression as it is, and it's a condition that absolutely thrives on guilt and shame. Please, let's not stigmatise anti-depressant medication as well.

drziggles Posted - 01/13/2010 : 15:17:02
Gotta disagree with Panda when she said that medications are "a crutch". For some people with mood disorders, they are a life saver, and lifelong treatment may be required for some people. If you were doing better on them, speak to your doctor about getting back on them.

good luck. Naturally, you should speak with your physician before making any medical decisions.
Singer_Artist Posted - 01/12/2010 : 13:44:47
YEAH!!!! Basil, you do sound a little better! Good for you, Sweetie! You can do it, you are not alone, I promise that! As for the obsession w/ the body, yikes i relate! I google stuff and drive myself NUTS! Bad idea..don't do that, okay? I know, it's hard not to! I almost died when i was 14, had an operation on my lung while WIDE AWAKE! (due to breathing different when asleep) It left me traumatized and i think brought on hypochondriasis, big time..I always think the worst! BUT...i am working on it and now so are you!
God bless you,
Karen
HilaryN Posted - 01/12/2010 : 13:37:33
Hey basil,

No more advice to add, just wishing you all the best.

Hilary N
basil Posted - 01/12/2010 : 13:05:52
Hi

Thanks for your prayers Karen, really means alot.

Thanks for everyones support, I am battling and have decided to go back to medication for now to try and help me stablize. I have a ex partner with a child on the way to think about. I don't think I have even acknowledged this yet, selfishly I think about my arms instead. I quit cold turkey twice with the anti d. Maybe that is the problem. Getting to a good point and then cutting it off sending me back to hell. This time its therapy and learning to be me while medicating. Understanding my emotions and frustrations. I want to get better so so so so much. As we all do.

I cannot believe I am reacting like this to such a good diagnosis but the pain is amazingly powerful. Pulling me out of the real world into my head. I am surprised I have not been run over yet walking to the hospital everyday. I just sit there saying right pychosomatic, so how do I fix this? I have asked seriously about any help on the NHS. Maybe a refferal or something for therapy. They insist on CBT for my anxiety. But after the last month of reading it appears like people have listed here that anxiety and TMS go hand in hand. I am aware of some of Hillybillys thoughts on this. Want to go back and read his posts on this. I do have terrible health anxiety and I realise this now, the amount of diseases I have read up on. I think if I had never read about RSI I would have moved onto something else.

I have made some progress, the back ache and jaw ache has gone. I am yet to journal again, I am not sure where to start.

My Grandad picked me up this morning and in his usual engineering fashion began problem solving and listing what the evidence is. He is a brilliant man and has given me so much confidence today. He always has a notebook to help him with his problems. Bless my whole family helping me with this and ensuring whatever it takes it will be done.

I read Claire weekes in november. I couldn't apply it then but I will get it again from the library now knowing what anxiety is and what it can cause.

I couldn't be a better candidate for pyschosomatic pain. Childhood abuse, rage, perfectionism, high achiever, obcessions and unhappy inside.

Now I need to find a therapist, maybe after seeing Georgie I could get point in the right direction.

My partner actually said to me she is considering an abortion due to me being consistently like this. I never process this stuff! That just sent me into a panic and onto memememee and my arms. I can't process anything right now! Madness. Its so true how pain removes your from stress of life. Not sure about the repressed stuff but jeez I don't have to deal with anything when I have my own little pychosomatic problem. How selfish of me but so true. This is the reason she left me, she said she came second after the pain. That hurts and so does the arms.

I pleaded for pain medication again today and they refused. They are doing me a favour but just a few hours concious without pain would be a god send right now. I have a appointment for the Ant D's tomorrow. Scared myself ****less googling about them now. Why couldn't I have stayed ignorant like I was in my teens.

I am hanging in there, maybe I do feel some hope tonight.

Much love

Basil

Singer_Artist Posted - 01/12/2010 : 10:00:02
Wow, winnieboo, what you wrote was wonderful..it's helping me too!
Thanx!

Basil,

Please check in with us today and let us know how you are doing..I did two special prayer sessions for you yesterday. People here are really trying hard to help you and you deserve their help! Hope you feel much better soon!

Blessings and hugs,
Karen
winnieboo Posted - 01/12/2010 : 09:16:47
I will mostly be repeating what everyone else has said, but I wanted to at least jump in and say, hang in there! You are under a mountain of stress right now, trying to sort out a complicated situation. Try to be patient with yourself.

Many of us have been where you are. I have been there for sure, and while it's a sucky place to be, you must grab onto something that gives you hope--your therapy, your career, your art, a friend, your family, some kind of spirituality. And then you have to begin making a few short term decisions: I will journal every other day, I will take the ad's for another six months (or not), I will take up meditating every day, I will go back to the gym. Re-engage yourself in your life as much as you can. Baby steps are perfect. When we're in this state, that's all we can do. Congratulate yourself on every baby step.

The pain in your body is a manifestation of your anxiety. It IS your anxiety. The best explanation of this is in Claire Weekes, which has already been recommended. If you can begin to see the pain in your arms as a kind of anxiety "attack" then you can move to the next baby step which is viewing that "attack" or anxiety as harmless. If you view it as harmless, then your fear will lessen and the theory is that it will then go away. Gradually for most of us.

Why does it take longer for some than for others? I've thought about this a lot, and I like to suppose that for people like me, who have had this physical tension for years, it's like trying to untie multiple knots in a thin piece of string. In the beginning, for me at least, it was about that painstaking. Now I can "melt" some of my ongoing tension before I go to sleep, or before I get out of bed in the morning with self-talk and affirmations. I literally have to calm myself down sometimes when I first wake up in the morning. But the self-talk/meditation works. More than working on some nebulous "it" or pain or "demon," we moreso must to learn to work gently with ourselves, with who we are, the sensitive people that we are!

Your childhood trauma is also working within, and it conditioned you to be fearful. Check out one of Dr. Dave's recent threads where he suggests that we who endured that kind of childhood pain should reframe our thinking. We should see ourselves as heroes. We lived through something difficult and came out on the other side. Dr. suggests taping an index card to your bathroom mirror with the words, "-----is a hero."

There are millions of suggestions and ideas that will move you along your journey, but for now you have to wrap your head around one thing: The pain, while real, is not harmful. As many here have said, your agenda now is to get rid of the fear. Convince yourself. You are not dying, nothing's permanent, nothing needs to be "fixed." You've been to a million medical doctors; you can believe this. The healing is now inside of you. It's sort of like turning yourself inside out, like pulling your pocket inside out and emptying the contents. Try to do that with your physical tension (since that what the pain truly is). Your arms and body are carrying a half ton of it. What's causing the tension? Use your therapy for this, pour it all out in a journal, it can really help. You will come out of this. Make Sarno work for you, or Schubiner, or Dr. Dave, or your therapy, or the little voice within you that KNOWS you are going to get your life back. I KNOW YOU CAN HEAR IT! You can do it because you have the strength, even though you may think you don't right now. You'll get the control back, you will get back to enjoying life... Glad you reached out here; keep talking to us! Hope you feel better soon.
Erata Posted - 01/12/2010 : 07:26:52
quote:
Originally posted by basilI have lost my flat, my partner and on the verge of losing my job. Been off sick since November since coming off Anti depressants. Partner is pregnant and says I am useless to her like this, which I am.


Jeez, Basil, that's a lot of stress and blame! Especially becoming a father and how the prospect must also be bringing up your abuse with your step-father.

I can really relate to your desperation and wish I had some magic that helped me recover to pass on to you, but I'm still in a lot of pain and under heaps of stress.

I agree with what everyone's written about fear, and fear feeds on itself. I'm certain overcoming it is a first big step. As Campbell and Sarita suggest, Claire Weeke's book is an important read to understand this and she also has an audio cd available (It's an old recording from the 60's and I love her voice--she sounds like an Australian Mrs. Doubtfire).

Please be easy on yourself, and remember that as an artist, you're probably more sensitive to 'performing' under pressure.
marytabby Posted - 01/12/2010 : 06:02:56
Basil,
Where do you live? Are you in the US? Just curious because there are a few good TMS therapists. I found one in my area (Boston) and I like her. I think she's helping me a lot so far in two visits I've had. Hang in there. I had a relapse this Christmas after 4 years of being successfully pain free in my back. It really took me by surprise and all the fear and anxiety over the PAIN came back. A TMS therpaist would be the way to go if you can find one.
pandamonium Posted - 01/12/2010 : 02:32:15
Hi Basil,

Meds are not going to solve your problems but they can help for a while. This is confirmed by the fact that when you stopped your meds the pain returned. Meds are a crutch, that's all. The key though is whilst on meds to go to councelling and work through the real issues. If you do that properly then after time the meds could be reduced and eventually stopped completely and the pain will not return.

I would in the short term ring the Samaritans when you are feeling low or suicidal, they are free and a brilliant resource.
Second, keep posting on here, we have all been through hell and some of us are on the other side but we all can help.
Lastly I'd ring Georgie and try and see her. She's a lovely person and has a great track record and will give you the chance to treat this condition properly, something that the other professionals have so far failed to do.

Panda

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

A beginner's guide to psychology: If it's not your mum's fault.... it's your dad's...
tom Posted - 01/11/2010 : 16:43:46
PLEASE do not do anything drastic! 4 years ago i was in the very emotional state you are experiencing . I had just discovered Sarno by chance but it wasn't sinking in. I have dealt wih RSD ( i refuse to call it RSI because it is not an injury but a disorder)as a bi-product of TMS & I could'nt even bring myself to click a computor mouse. I got my daughter to type Schekner a letter as I dictated long distance. He repleyed & his last sentence was& I quote "there is hope". I have no idea why I clung to the word hope but I did. I believed him .Why at the time I'm not sure. I truly thought I was gone ,a hopeless case. The fact that I am sitting her typing & using a computor mouse is truly miraculious.From my experience I have narrowed it down to one driving force -fear. You have a great red flag to work with-the fact that the meds elimate the pain is clear proof it is not a pysical problem

tom
sarita Posted - 01/11/2010 : 15:35:02
all the best to you, and remember, your enemy is fear...that is the core of all ailments such as this...in my opinion.
sarita Posted - 01/11/2010 : 15:32:16
http://www.lowselfhelpsystems.org/meetings/find-a-meeting.asp
Gibbon Posted - 01/11/2010 : 15:25:54
hiya Basil

I would definitly recommend speaking to Georgie - i found it useful for me. If you are attending a day clinic i assume you have been given access to counselling, if not then speaking over the phone can sometime be easier anyway - the Samaritans is 08457 909090 - they're available 24-7.

Short term the most important thing is to try and remove suicidal thoughts - so if doctors are recommending drugs to help then really i think you should listen to their advice. Of course, they are unlikely to be treating the cause of your depression - but if they help in terms of producing some more balance in your life, then you can then look to address the cause through TMS whilst on medication, with a long term goal of getting off the medication and also having addressed the cause of the depression.

hope this helps....

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