| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| Carolyn |
Posted - 06/17/2004 : 21:57:03
In my journaling tonight I decided to explore why I thought being a goodist was such an important part of my personality. As I wrote about it I realized that on some level, I felt that always doing the right thing should somehow guarantee me a good life in return- like making a pact with the 'powers that be'. My early life was relatively charmed so that probably reinforced my theory. Later when the bad things in life started to catch up with me and I had several miscarriages, lost my best friend, etc, etc.. My overwhelming emotion was 'it's not fair' Well why wouldn't it be fair, if these things happened to other people why shouldn't they happen to me? During these tough times I was aware that I was generating random anger towards other people which was unusualy for me- feeling angry at the happy pregnant woman on the bus or anyone happy for that matter. I realized that I felt angry because I felt like I had held up my end of the bargain and the world hadn't held up its end. Do you think this is why people become goodists, out of fear of what could happen to them if they were bad and that this way of thinking sets goodists up for anger because when the inevitable bad things happen, we are furious because we didn't DESERVE it? But of course, being goodists we can't aknowlege that anger. And once we reach the point where we are totally disillusioned and no longer believe we can magically protect ourseves by being good and perfect all the time, we try to do it - subconsciously or course- by our suffering. Are we people that absolutely have to believe that the world is fair and if we can't buy happiness by our good deeds, we will pay for it with our pain?
Carolyn |
| 4 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| menvert |
Posted - 09/19/2004 : 07:34:03
I myself find that a difficult one to deal with...'it's not fair' 'I don't deserve this' ' I have been a good boy' and similar thoughts, so I tend to want to blame other things but then I think 'no, everything is my fault' . 'it's all my fault, I did cause it'... and neither of those thoughts are very helpful in getting through it. There must be a happy medium between guilt & pity.
Most of my life, my version of goodism has been centered around not wanting to be noticed/singled out. Which means always being a good boy and not getting into trouble, but also not overachieving... otherwise I will be singled out... So even if I could get an A+ I would get a B+.
Unfortunately, life is not fair. But then again, a world which was fair, would probably be quite a boring place. |
| n/a |
Posted - 06/19/2004 : 06:42:37
Hi AnneG and Carolyn -- I think that these sources of goodism or perfectionistic tendencies are very helpful to think about. No doubt they are probably writing the script for our present behaviors -- and contributing to TMS.
For me the GOODISM was being about the WRONG sex. I was the oldest of 3 girls and the "son substitute" for my father -- and I TRIED and TRIED to be just what he wanted and what the rest of the family kept infrering was his "regret."
YIKES -- was I in an impossible bind. I could never be "good enough" by the very condition of what I was.
It has taken years of emotional and physical pain to KNOW that I am perfect just the way that I am. |
| n/a |
Posted - 06/19/2004 : 02:57:10
Goodism has been central to my physical responses to emotional pain, I feel sure, Carolyn. From a very young age I was expected to be a good girl - always to put other people's needs before my own, never to get in a temper, don't cause inconvenience to anybody; and, of course, as with any training from early childhood, it worked - far too well.
I found your ideas on what goodism has meant for you very interesting and have wondered if he same applied to my own experience. In fact, I knew from the start that the world was an unfair place - my brother, who was often a very naughty little boy who emphatically put his own needs centre stage most of the time, was indulged by my grandparents, aunts and uncles, while I took second place. To be fair, my parents, especially my father, were hard on him and I often remember how he was told to look at how well his sister could behave herself.
The pressure to bo good was enormous and lasted until, I guess, a year or two ago - finally, I can put own needs first sometimes and feel no guilt. This has definitely been a factor in the easing of the awful back pain.
I've been meaning to get 'Facing The Fire' for a while, Sunfish. Sounds like it would be interesting and helpful, so I'm going to order it. |
| n/a |
Posted - 06/18/2004 : 15:38:53
Hi Carolyn -- I received a great deal of clarity on the subject of anger and its dynamics from reading John Lee's excellent book "Facing the Fire." He speaks about the genesis of UNCONSCIOUS rage -- which we have been told is the root of TMS -- and also CONSCIOUS rage and the mental games that we play around it -- which you speak to in your post -- GOODISM being a big one.
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