| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| Northerner |
Posted - 04/12/2009 : 21:41:41
One of the things that has bubbled up from my TMS work is a deep down feeling of valueness - a self-image problem.
This may be common to the human condition - I think we all have this to one degree or another.
But I take what other people say about me or my apparent feelings about what someone or a group thinks about me particularly to heart. Other people's opinions should merely be other people's opinions. You need not ignore them completely, because they may have some basis that you can learn from. But remember that by the same token, other people's opinions are stories woven from their view of what happened when combined with their own internal stuff, which could be sensible or could be psychological garbage (the worst and the best of us have both mixed in).
Rationally, it all makes sense to me to put these opinions in the proper place. To my subconscious, however, I would guess that what others say about me is digging in deeply. I'm sure it is enraging to the little child in there, and also scaring it - creating a what-if situation. What if this person tells that person and my reputation is shot? Etc., snowballing, on and on.
I'm not sure I have an answer to how to deal with this one, because these things can keep me up at night, and I'm sure are helping my fingers stay numb (TMS symptom). If anyone has some advice on dealing with this, please pass it along.
I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.
- Mark Twain |
| 14 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| severson |
Posted - 04/19/2009 : 10:58:05
Logan -
I am in a very similar situation with my mother as well. I am getting to the point where I'm asking myself if the only reason I still have anything to do with her is out of bad guilt and the answer is yes. What kind of basis is guilt for any type of relationship? It is the only tie that binds and I am beginning to realize that I will never have the type of nurturing relationship with my mother that she neglected to provide during my childhood. Bottom line is, I am better off just cutting all ties with her so I can focus on healing myself and not reliving the unfortunate past on a daily basis in the form of physical/emotional pain.
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| HilaryN |
Posted - 04/15/2009 : 11:26:00
Yes, it does take a lot of energy, and, as you say, there are times when one just has to look after oneself.
Hilary N |
| Logan |
Posted - 04/15/2009 : 10:17:11
I do understand how NVC works. I've tried it here and there with my mom. It's something I'd have to do continually though, to get her to take notice of me. I guess I'm in a state right now where I am feeling like, "F it! I am sick and tired of having to work so hard to get her love and attention." I just don't understand how someone could not be interested in their own child. I think it took getting TMS, took all that psychological digging for me to realize how lonely and emotionally neglected I was as a child.
I'm really just now starting to realize - I'm 39 - how both my mom and dad are basically incapable of having healthy, nurturing relationships with anyone. They're crippled in a sense, unable to feel and/or reach out to others. I have a hard time connecting with people too and I'm starting to see it's because I missed out on that crucial family bonding as a kid.
So, I'm just kind of done with them right now. They can't drive 6 hours to come to the reading of my work that I am giving for my MFA graduation this month. They probably won't come to the graduation ceremony in May either. And not only will they not come, they probably won't even say, "Sorry we're missing it, honey." And they didn't even send me a birthday card last month?!
I empathize with them, I feel for them, I do. But I am sick and tired of being the one who is the bigger person, who makes the effort, blah, blah, blah.
I think this is a kind of acceptance of who they are and what they're limitations are. I'm accepting that they're not going to be the parents I wish they were. I'm just still angry about this too - so maybe it's not real acceptance. Yeah, I guess it's not.
So be it. So tired of being a goodist!
Sarno's books + journaling + Facing the Fire by John Lee + punching bag = pain free |
| HilaryN |
Posted - 04/14/2009 : 05:17:21
quote:
(Logan)even though I've come to terms w/ the fact that she will talk nonstop about her stuff and not ask me any questions about my life, I still get suckered in by the hope that "this time will be different."
This is where Nonviolent Communication (Marshall Rosenberg) comes in as a handy tool. In nvc terms this could be expressed as “Mom, when you talk to me about your life and don't ask me any questions about my life (observation) I feel sad/ frustrated (feeling) because I need (/ would really like) some understanding and empathy from you for what's going on in my life (need). Would you be willing to spend 5 minutes listening to me talk about what's happening in my life? (request)
nvc is all about expressing our feelings and needs, so I think it fits in perfectly with overcoming TMS. It's not something one can just pick up and start using straight away. It's a bit like learning a foreign language, it takes time and practice. I was quite shocked to find how difficult it is to identify what my true needs are in a given situation – they are so deeply repressed, as I'm conditioned to put other people's needs first. Often it can take me days or even a week or more to identify them.
Here's a list of feelings from the cnvc site:
http://www. cnvc.org/en/learn-online/feelings-list/feelings-inventory
and a list of needs:
http://www. cnvc.org/en/learn-online/needs-list/needs-inventory
(I find I frequently have to refer to these lists!)
Hilary N |
| HilaryN |
Posted - 04/14/2009 : 05:14:53
Some great definitions of forgiveness - I think it's worth emphasizing them:
quote:
(mseymour88) My ego's definition of forgiveness goes something like this: OK-You Screwed me, but its kool, I'm Ok, no problem.
Well folks, that is not true forgiveness.
When I forgive from the heart, it is as if there was never a harm done in the first place.
quote:
(carbar) do NOT minimize your suffering, you must acknowledge it to heal from it!
quote:
(armchairlinguist)Only after truly experiencing those feelings can we begin to have compassion for those who hurt us.
(Hi ACL, good to hear from you. Did you get my email?)
Hilary N |
| armchairlinguist |
Posted - 04/13/2009 : 22:15:41
quote:
She couldn’t help who she was.
Of course our parents can't help who they are, but this does not matter to the inner child. The inner child was hurt, was neglected, did not have its needs met, and this pain must be acknowledged and felt.
Only after truly experiencing those feelings can we begin to have compassion for those who hurt us.
This recurring idea that you can recognize and forgive the limitations of the parent before acknowledging the pain of the inner child is misleading and potentially toxic in the context of addressing TMS-producing emotional issues that are still very emotionally active.
--
What were you expecting? |
| carbar |
Posted - 04/13/2009 : 18:24:14
Hang in there! The bright side is that now you are gaining awareness of this feeling.
One of the most amazing side effects of healing from TMS pain was that I could feel emotions! Feeling valueless is an emotion that I wasn't even AWARE of when I had TMS symptoms. I became very aware of it directly after my pain stopped. I went to therapy and dealt with a lot of the pain of the inner child. That was about 3 years ago. Now I still get hit by this feeling, or gain a new awareness of it. It is very humbling to feel this loss and sadness. Particularly to someone for whom goodism manifested as being a high achiever.... BUT it is just as healing to really FEEL this emotions and release them.
This may be a shared experience for all humans, but do NOT minimize your suffering, you must acknowledge it to heal from it!
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| marsha |
Posted - 04/13/2009 : 15:22:27
Ah, logic...
I had a mother who never said she loved me. She never showed that she loved me. I am sad and angry at how she made me feel . Recently I have felt the emotion connected with that kind of loss. Before I only felt the anger and sadness with physical pain.
She couldn’t help who she was.
Marsha
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| scottjmurray |
Posted - 04/13/2009 : 13:21:03
Marsha - this is, of course, the logical answer to the problem of the parent. Unfortunately, logic doesn't dictate emotion. If it did, our lives would be infinitely easier.
Mike - yeah, I did. Trust me, any question you ask me, I'll probably just say "ignore it and work with your emotions." If you want something to bite into I suggest googling "redirecting self therapy."
~*~
author of tms-recovery . com |
| mseymour88 |
Posted - 04/13/2009 : 10:20:11
Hello
Here is my experiance with my mom and how I have hanled it.
Mom raised me on her on with very little $.
She took care of my physical needs very well.
She would sacrifice as in giving me the bedroom, when she could only afford a one bedroom apt.
However, emotionally, I was made into her parent. She looked to me to fill a void or need in her. She would lean on me as if I was her husband.
In adult life she still trys to cling to me in that way also, and I resent it. Deep down in side, my inner child, ID,or whatever you want to call it, is furious and wants a parent in her. I do not want to be her parent anymore.
This in turn creates conflict and guilt in me, as I am her only child, I know she did her best for me, and I can only imagine what her childhood was like.
She is at the age where she really does need me to help her physically and to maybe give her some emotional support, as she declines do to age.
I am working with Sarno, and as you can see it would be a classic cause for TMS. I also have addressed it in Therapy.
What I have found that helps is to try and forgive her.
Now this is the kicker. I have experianced letting go and being set free of this, but it quite often return as she needs my help.
The child automatically reactes with rage and just wants to get away from her.
My ego's definition of forgiveness goes something like this: OK-You Screwed me, but its kool, I'm Ok, no problem.
Well folks, that is not true forgiveness.
When I forgive from the heart, it is as if there was never a harm done in the first place.
For me this takes a lot of prayer and meditation. It is not easy.I try and have empathy for her, and realize that she is in a huge amount of emotional pain herself. I TRY not to personalize it and realize that she is and always has done the best she could, and just mabe I am here to help her with her lessons here on earth.
Like I said it is not always easy. I remember when I was going tru my divorce, she not once asked me how I was doing, she never consoled me at all. It was ALL about how it was affecting her. My child wanted some chicken soup from mom.
Well, I have to realize that it will never be that way, and love her as she is.
Something that helped was during The Presence Process by Michael Brown, or maybe it was something Tolle said was that my spirit(the real me) not my ego,(the false me) has chosen to have the people in my life that are there in order to grow spiritually.
Thanks for listening, the pain in my back just dropped to about a half of a one.
Mike
P.S. Scott, did you get my e-mail? |
| marsha |
Posted - 04/13/2009 : 09:37:07
Hey, is anyone here a parent?
Most of our parents no matter how bad we think they were loved us the best way they could. Parents make mistakes but they aren't part of the evil empire.
If you are fortunate enough to have living parents and there is an ongoing problem you have an opportunity to tell them now.
Sometime we need some assistance from our children.
Marsha
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| Logan |
Posted - 04/13/2009 : 09:05:46
Easier said than done!
But it can be done. The thing I find really annoying is that I have to do it over and over again. I dug through what felt like mountains of emotional stuff having to do w/ my parents when I healed myself from TMS pain in 2002/2003. I'm still 99% pain free but I still get migraines sometimes when I feel like I should call my mom but don't want to.
She basically began treating me like a little grown up at age 5 - and even with other grown ups she tends to exist in a narcissistic bubble. Talk about infuriating and inflicting feelings of valuelessness.
I called her yesterday b/c it was Easter and even though I've come to terms w/ the fact that she will talk nonstop about her stuff and not ask me any questions about my life, I still get suckered in by the hope that "this time will be different." I mean, I'm graduating w/ my master's degree in May, just defended my thesis, you think the woman would be curious enough to ask one damn question!! But no.
I know for a fact my mom is the root of my TMS. I've gotten to the point where I don't guilt myself into calling her more than 3 or 4 times a year but I still feel like I want to maintain some kind of relationship w/ her. I try to remember, when she makes me feel 1/2" tall that it is my choice to interact with her and I can feel the feelings of anger/sadness and move on. I can be the bigger person, so to speak.
Okay, thanks for "listening" to me vent. : ) Time to go hit that punching bag.
Sarno's books + journaling + Facing the Fire by Lee + punching bag = pain free |
| scottjmurray |
Posted - 04/13/2009 : 03:45:04
I think the only reason we develop a self-image at all is because our parents abandon us either emotionally or physically. We assemble an ego to try to "get them back." This of course doesn't work at all and leaves a huge gash where the love used to be. Well fortunate for us the human psyche can heal just like the rest of the body if we give it the support it needs. Like setting a bone in a cast, emotional healing work provides the backbone for a brain detox.
Want to get over your self-esteem issues? You need to get over your parents.
~*~
author of tms-recovery . com |
| inaned |
Posted - 04/12/2009 : 23:55:22
quote:
[i]To my subconscious, however, I would guess that what others say about me is digging in deeply.
This is what you are expecting - what others say to dig in deep into your suconscious. Change your expectations. It works. |
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