| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| Northerner |
Posted - 03/07/2009 : 10:13:29
For those who've been following my stories (and I hope the hell you people have something better to do than that), I significantly improved, and then had a relapse, not a major one, but I had a new symptom, different but close enough to my past symptoms to make it seem like it was connected. Suddenly, I felt like I had a bruised rib near my collarbone on my left side, plus some pain in muscles around my shoulder. Pain in my shoulder and down my arm had gone away and hadn't returned, however.
I hadn't taken a shot to the ribs, so the pain made no sense. But it hurt when running and playing basketball, and if I reached for something. I searched for a physical cause, and all I could come up with was shoveling - really minor snow shoveling, the day before the new pain appeared. I began to notice the pain after meeting with my psychologist, and it may be that something we brought up was eating at me.
I met with my psychologist the following Tuesday, and we talked about the new pain a little, but also about things that were going on in my life. I'm a consultant without any projects now, and am very concerned about the economy. On the previous weekend, I had felt miserable, and just wanted to run away from all of the responsibility I have (3 kids, house, wife, pressure to pay for them and keep things stable for them, etc.). Then after that weekend I felt awful about thinking that.
My psychologist told me that it's normal for someone to want to run away when things get tough (as we know, lots of people do it - run off with a 22-year-old girl, but I'm far too responsible to do anything like that).
We also got to my feelings of vulnerability, which are particularly high in this economic storm. I found myself holding back, even with the protection of him - I wanted to cry, something a person of my stature and bearing does not do. I told him about that, and he said that he hadn't noticed it - I was even able to cover up my desire to cry with him.
After we talked about the vulnerability, he mentioned that it is not coincidence that the pain is in my chest - near my heart - because I'm sad.
Afterwards, I thought of something I learned in a program called Landmark Education years ago (excellent program – I bet some of you could go to it and have your pain relieved during the three-day program, because of the insights gained) – that most of what I have pushed myself to do, and I really have achieved a lot, as crappy as it appears now, is an accommodation for inadequacy developed years ago, probably in childhood. (Does that sound like something Dr. Sarno said?).
All of this clicked somewhere inside me, I guess, and I improved significantly that day. The new pain hasn't gone away completely, but within a day it had reduced enormously. I played two days of aggressive basketball (aggressive enough that I almost got a real bruised rib), and felt an old pain - one in the left scapula, return when I worked at my desk on Thursday and Friday. This, I just plowed through - that has appeared before, and I don't fear it any more. A new pain is scarier.
By the way, for the negativist out there, the phone rang unexpectedly on Tuesday afternoon, with a potential two projects at a client, and then Wednesday, for one more potential project. It’s possible that this new hope helped cut the pain back, but I think I developed an understanding of myself that was the key to the improvement. Also, for the negativist out there, there is hope even in this dog dew economy, if you're willing to drive hard, knock on doors and scrounge. That takes two things - determination, and also the ability to separate the fear and unpleasantness that drive and determination create internally from your pain and sense of well being.
I'm not 100% better, but I'm getting there, and there really is nothing physical that I can't do. Maybe that's a perfectionist tendency - that I won't be satisfied until I'm 100% improved, and I probably won't become 100% improved until I'm satisfied with less.
Maybe I should go wash my brain out with soap.
***
I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.
- Mark Twain
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| 3 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| Peg |
Posted - 03/08/2009 : 07:55:21
Thanks for clarifying.
It makes perfect sense. I had to read that last sentence a few times, but I get it now that you have elaborated.
I think you're right. It would do us all good to understand that.
Although letting go sounds good too.
Thanks again
Peg
In questions of science, the authority of a thousand is not worth the humble reasoning of a single individual. Galileo Galilei |
| Northerner |
Posted - 03/08/2009 : 07:03:42
Peg -
Thanks for the comments.
You asked me what I meant by the last line of this paragraph:
"By the way, for the negativist out there, the phone rang unexpectedly on Tuesday afternoon, with a potential two projects at a client, and then Wednesday, for one more potential project. It’s possible that this new hope helped cut the pain back, but I think I developed an understanding of myself that was the key to the improvement. Also, for the negativist out there, there is hope even in this dog dew economy, if you're willing to drive hard, knock on doors and scrounge. That takes two things - determination, and also the ability to separate the fear and unpleasantness that drive and determination create internally from your pain and sense of well being."
What I meant, and feel free to tell me if I need to re-adjust my thinking after hearing this, is that if I'm going to survive financially in this economy, it will take some real determination. At the same time, determination means pressure and more unconscious rage. I figure that I need to clearly understand that this determination will cause more unconscious strife, and be able to not let this cause pain (the unconscious prefers to be lazy and to avoid pressure).
Does this make sense, or is there something more complex that I should be telling myself?
Or should I simply be trying to let go? (Easier said than done).
I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.
- Mark Twain |
| Peg |
Posted - 03/07/2009 : 10:39:43
Hi Northerner,
Thanks so much for sharing these insights. I think they are very important. You are brave for investigating painful feelings and admitting to human vulnerability.
I agree that the drive to be perfect to make up for a feeling of inadequacy is a big contributor to TMS. I have also struggled with feeling the need to accomplish big, and of course never being able to attain it. Being paralyzed by perfectionism". Never giving myself credit for what I have achieved. Never being enough.
In the past, I have struggled to recover from TMS, due to not achieving it 100% as you say, and so feeling like a failure because of it. Finally realizing that this only perpetuated the problem.
"I'm not 100% better, but I'm getting there, and there really is nothing physical that I can't do. Maybe that's a perfectionist tendency - that I won't be satisfied until I'm 100% improved, and I probably won't become 100% improved until I'm satisfied with less."
I think this is profound. I have felt the most improved when I accept that I may not be 100%. But like you, I have no limitations or fear (well maybe a little bit of fear).
"That takes two things - determination, and also the ability to separate the fear and unpleasantness that drive and determination create internally from your pain and sense of well being."
I'm not sure I understand this, can you explain it differently?
Good news about the potential work.
Best,
Peg
In questions of science, the authority of a thousand is not worth the humble reasoning of a single individual. Galileo Galilei |
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