| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| positivevibes |
Posted - 03/05/2009 : 02:45:57
Well, I enrolled and have begun the course. I have to say that I'm very impressed at how comprehensive it seems to be, with all sorts of materials to review: written, audio, and video. I have no doubts that I have gotten my money's worth.
There are several things you need to do before starting the course in earnest. He has an extensive checklist that is bundled with some reading material that helps you to decide if you have TMS and can fully commit to the diagnosis. You do a lot of writing in this course. Another first step, once you have decided that TMS is indeed your problem, involves writing out all sorts of stressors and personality traits.
I've been over this stuff on my own during the past year, taking cues from Dr. Sarno's books. But I have to tell you, writing it down in the way that Dr. Schubiner suggests resulted in a few surprising "ah ha" moments for me. I knew that my childhood wasn't particularly rosy, but in writing all of that down, I realized that there is a very angry, raging, unhappy little girl inside of me. I was reading my list of childhood stressors to my husband and began sobbing. Sheesh, this stuff is not new to me...yet it obviously continues to upset me on a very deep level. I will be talking to my therapist about some of it tomorrow. I plan to take all these lists with me.
My therapist is not a TMS therapist. But I've been seeing her for a year and she knows me pretty well at this point. I hope that we can work on some of these issues.
Anyway, for the first week, the course teaches you some meditation and mindfulness exercises and there are writing exercises to do every day which take less than a half hour. You work on your issues in the writing exercises. It seems to me that the first week is spent in helping to dig deeply into your issues, while re-programming your brain to begin to alleviate the pain symptoms.
I wasn't able to do my coursework early in the day due to other commitments, but first thing tomorrow I plan to do the meditation and the first writing exercise. My mind had better hold on, because I think it's going to be a very wild ride.
Some of this stuff is scary for me. I mean, facing really old fears and problems...it's never pleasant, is it? That's why I've been in therapy for a year and although we've talked about many major things, these KEY things have gone untouched because they just scare me too much and I've been avoiding them. You know how it is: don't think about it and maybe it will go away. Well, if you have read Dr. Sarno's books, you know that it doesn't go away. Which is why a 48-year old mother of two is still feeling the effects of being a very unhappy "good little girl."
Of course it's not all about childhood. In the course you also touch on current issues or adulthood issues. A lot of my unhappiness stems from my childhood, but everyone is different.
One interesting thing I noticed: as I was writing these things down, my back pain modulated and changed. Sometimes I barely felt it at all. In fact, I'm sitting here at the computer and feel no pain at the moment. I think that's a good sign. I have it on the run.
I was at the gym today, doing the same workout I've done for the past several months: gentle stretching, 30 minutes of brisk walking on the treadmill followed by 20 minutes on the Lifecycle. I was actually scared to do my workout today for some reason, but I went, and it was OK.
There's a song on my iPod playlist by the group Muse. It's entitled "Our Time is Running Out." The lyrics go:
Bury it, won't let you bury it
Won't let you murder it
Won't let you smother it
Our time is running out...
I changed the lyrics in my head, with me singing to my back pain:
Bury me, won't let you bury me
Won't let you murder me
Won't let you smother me
Your time is running out...
Another song I listen to is an old hip-hop song called "Tough" by Technotronic (an under-rated group that was very ahead of its time, IMO). They keep repeating "Gotta be tough" throughout the song. I sing that to myself, too. I gotta be tough. I can beat this. I'm stronger than this....gotta be...gotta be...so damn tough!
When you do Dr. Schubiner's course, you can ask him questions, and he answers them pretty quickly. He said it was great that I'm going to the gym. I agree. I learned last year that sitting around is not good for me and reinforces the idea that I'm somehow disabled. Exercise makes me feel a lot less depressed. Even weeks ago, when I was miserable, I asked myself how I can still have back pain yet do this great workout, increasing my levels on the Lifecycle and making my legs so strong. Sitting at the computer makes my back hurt, yet sitting on the exercise bike is fine. It doesn't make sense. Yup, it's all just in my head.
******
Addendum: I just want to outline what my problem has been. Back pain. The most current episode, (which is the longest I've ever been in pain continually) is now approaching 2 years. Before that, I would hurt my back but recover in a few weeks or a couple of months.
Starting about 10 years ago, I seemed to hurt my back every few years. First PT cured it. Then the next time, PT and acupuncture and massage cured it. Then -- well that takes me to now. Nothing is working. I tried Egoscue custom exercises, osteopathic manipulation, and even more PT with a different person. The pain just changed and moved around to various places in my back.
I did read Dr. Sarno's books last year and it seemed to help, but didn't totally stick with the program. I still believed that there was a structural element to my pain. A muscle imbalance. My SI joint was stuck. Maybe the doctors are right and it's because of my herniated discs. The osteopath would say that my sacrum was twisted. You name it...I believed it.
Over the summer I had some epidural cortisone shots and suddenly developed a sciatic problem down my left leg (never had it before). All the other back problems seemed to go away. So what I'm dealing with currently is a pain near my left SI joint and sensitivity and achiness down my left leg. Sometimes also weird sensitivity into my bladder (not pain, but an untrue urge to "go.")
I am looking forward to ending this cycle of pain and fear, and getting my life back. |
| 20 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| Plantweed |
Posted - 08/04/2009 : 14:31:35
Great posts! I'm humbled at your honesty and courage.
So how was Italy?! |
| positivevibes |
Posted - 03/27/2009 : 16:41:11
Thank you all for your responses. Thank you for the link to the two stories! Panda, I'd never read your story, and I must say that wow, you sure have been through a lot!
I suppose the thing that troubles me the most is the scenario where my back begins to hurt and I have that "OH NO!" moment, picturing all sorts of bad things ahead.
Well maybe instead of thinking, "oh no" I should be getting angry and give the pain a good talking to. Tell it that I will not tolerate it and that (naah naaah) I'm going to have a good time no matter what. Dr. Schubiner eventually wants his patients to be able to laugh at the pain. I think I'll get there later. For now, I think getting angry at it would work better for me.
In the past few years, I've been on longer flights. One year ago this month, I did a nonstop to Tokyo and back! Of course at that point my back pain was different...it wasn't sciatic and sitting was not a problem. But I did it, nonetheless. My back did bother me in Tokyo some days, but other days it didn't -- and I was still able to have a good time, despite it all.
Sheesh, the more I learn about TMS, the more I just have to shake my head and roll my eyes....this is such tricky stuff, isn't it? Perhaps it's a matter of "psyching yourself out" as they say...convincing yourself that everything IS okay and is going to be okay. Mind over matter....to tell that panicky inner child to stick her thumb in her mouth and listen to what I'm saying, LOL. |
| HilaryN |
Posted - 03/27/2009 : 15:51:49
pv,
Thanks for sharing your experience - it's made riveting reading for me!
It sounds like you're a bit worried about your trip to Italy, so I'm hoping these 2 experiences will encourage you. Here's one, where vikki survives a plane journey:
http://www.tmshelp.com/forum/topic.asp?TOPIC_ID=1640
The other is Panda's success story, where she tells about her walk when she thinks the pain is going to take over, then gets through it:
http://www.tmshelp.com/forum/topic.asp?TOPIC_ID=5396
Hilary N |
| pandamonium |
Posted - 03/27/2009 : 14:51:01
pv, don't be tempted to think structurally. The very fact that you can feel your pain come on during stress, and then feel it recede when you address those issues is proof enough that this is TMS and you are making huge strides.
Fear and conditioning are hard to overcome but slowly slowly it will happen. Try and relax about the trip to Italy, take some pain killers just in case you need them after the flight, rest, and then go out and have some fun! |
| marsha |
Posted - 03/27/2009 : 09:41:11
My advice for what it is worth..
Let everything go for a while. Do not think about your stress and try to ignore the pain. Keep yourself busy.
You are over thinking and causing yourself more stress adding to your reservoir. The more you add to that reservoir the more pain you will have. Your pain and you problems seem to be taking over every minute of your day and you are probably dreaming about them all night.
Have a good trip. Plan on having a good trip. Italy is such a beautiful place to visit.
I lived in Siena for my junior year in college. It was one of the most wonderful times in my life.
Marsha
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| positivevibes |
Posted - 03/26/2009 : 23:08:34
Jeez, I hate it when I feel the sciatic pain thing. I'm feeling it today and I'm sure that it's worse because of a couple of things:
1)It's one week until my trip to Italy and I *AM* scared about sitting on the airplane for all those hours, and how it may affect my vacation. (Of course I will be doing sitting and standing on the plane, but still....) I need to work on this. I need to get my fear under control. Tonight I will do some writing exercises for this.
2)I got my period today, so it's possible that some of it is just real physical biological stuff. Sometimes all those hormonal changes do affect the way you perceive pain.
3)I have been dealing with some pretty heavy psychological stuff lately, and maybe my brain doesn't like it. Dr. Schubiner says (and in fact all the TMS docs say) that sometimes when you work on your problems the pain gets worse because your mind is still trying to create a physical distraction.
I have to admit that today for a short time I was wondering if I have some sort of muscle disfunction. It seems that whenever my piraformis muscle (or whatever it is in my gluteal area) gets "tight" the sciatic problem feels more intense. Sometimes it's a very sickening feeling. The best way for me to describe it is: it's like a physical manifestation of fear. I feel it, it sickens me, I feel afraid, that sickens me more, and around and around. Even just writing this, I realize how "TMS" the whole thing is.
I am trying so hard to be patient, waiting for this all to stop. To wake up one day, and have no more of this...and the day after that, and the day after that...to be free of it. I know that several veterans of this board say that you cannot put a time limit on the TMS treatment to work. I just wish I was one of those people in Sarno's books whose pain just disappeared after one reading (well, don't we all).
But that's not a productive way to think. I always seem to get a little depressed at "that time of the month" and then it passes in a day or two. So I'm not going to take my thoughts too seriously right now.
I also wonder: if I didn't have this trip coming up...if I didn't have ANY major event coming up, would I even be feeling this pain?
Well anyway, I've made a lot of major breakthroughs in the past few weeks and I'm very proud of that. My outlook on life has definitely changed.
I did more thinking (and writing exercises) about the situation with my husband. I came to this conclusion: I am not the same person I was 20 years ago, so how could I expect him to be static and be exactly the same guy from 20 years ago? That is a fantasy. And in fact, I have been more emotionally dependent on him than is probably healthy. When I really took a closer look at my relationship with him, I realized that in recent years I have become more childlike with him and he has become more authoritative with me. Not sure exactly why or how it happened, but I have decided to change it. I have decided to be stronger, more emotionally independent, and not so afraid of losing him....or afraid in general.
Once again, fear is at the heart of the situation. I think that in general, fear is at the heart of most TMS problems. Or at least...my TMS problems!
So I really feel better about things. I have also fortified myself emotionally so that if he begins to say things to me that cause certain feelings, I will be able to identify those feelings and help him to understand how his behavior is affecting me. THAT will not be easy...at least at first, I'm sure. I think that with time and work, I can fix the relationship and take things to a better level. Notice that I'm not saying that I think things will return to the way they used to be. I realize that would be impossible, because that is the past and we have both changed in several ways. What I'm shooting for is something new and better...sort of like a new beginning. Just realizing that things CANNOT be like they were 10 or 20 years ago was a HUGE hurdle to get past.
Quoting one of my favorite films, Grosse Point Blanke, "Oatman, you can never go home again...but you can shop there." (If you've never seen the film, I highly recommend it. It's a brilliant dark comedy).
Now, the next thing I need to work on is my fear. My life has been filled with fear from the time I was born. I grew up in a very anxiety and fear-filled atmosphere. So I must have some conversations with my fear. Yes, I am going to talk to my fear and get to know it better. This may prove to be the most difficult writing assignment yet, because fear seems to at the heart of almost everything in my life. If I had a nickle for each time I began a sentence with, "I'm afraid that...." I'd be richer than Donald Trump.
Too much of my life has been spent feeling sad or dissatisfied; emotionally tortured. And truly, there is no reason for it. It's all just perception. Perhaps I will also have a conversation with my saddness. I think that would be very helpful.
I can be a very courageous and strong person when I need to be, or when I really want to be. And other times, I can be a total nonfunctioning wreck. I remind myself of all the difficult situations I've come through, and I'm still here. And I think that even if I were faced with terrible situations in the future, I'd find a way to press on.
But there's a gap between those two extremes. That grey area of everyday life, where you constantly need to make choices about how you are going to handle this or that. Are you going to be strong and plow through, or are you going to let fear and procrastination win? Is this only my battle, or do others go through this every day as well?
I must admit that I haven't been doing everything I can to beat the TMS mainly because of this upcoming trip. I know it sounds counterproductive, but I'm still afraid to sit for too long. I've been doing a combination of sitting and standing at my computer. I know that I should probably just force myself to sit and conquer it, but (fear again) I'm afraid that if I'm wrong (or it just takes longer), I will be in a very bad place physically and emotionally for this trip.
So I'm nursing it along. But when I get back from Italy, I am going to test the waters. It might even happen IN Italy, or maybe even during the flight. It's the one thing I haven't followed through on; it's the one remaining doubt that I have. If forcing myself to sit a lot now makes my pain worse, it will not only screw up my vacation but my family's as well, and I can't do that to them. Argh, it's a brutal Catch-22. Sometimes it DOES feel like a structural problem...or I just wonder what the heck it is. And I fight with myself, reminding myself not to fall into that trap...to think psychological and not dwell on "physical what-if's," which ultimately lead me in a very bad direction and make me feel worse. |
| LuvtoSew |
Posted - 03/25/2009 : 14:28:45
Positivevibes- I have been following your post and wow, sounds like his course is really helping you and letting you get stuff off your chest. It does feel good just to let it out and talk about it hey. I so happy for you and am thinking about his course also. Sounds very
worth the money. Thank you for sharing all this with us.
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| pandamonium |
Posted - 03/24/2009 : 15:12:23
I suspect then that you are right, he saw it as you having total control over your company and maybe that's why he was so keen for you to keep it up? Maybe he was thinking "she's mad, why would she give this up when it's going so well, I wish my ventures had been like this" ? Maybe he was angry because you had a choice and he didn't?
I would say you've found your topic for writing :) |
| positivevibes |
Posted - 03/24/2009 : 12:11:30
You make a good point. He says that he loves me very much and looks forward to growing old with me. But I have to say, during the time when I was telling him how miserable I was running the business, he wasn't very comforting. He was angry -- furious! We had some huge arguments (I need to add that we rarely argue, so that in itself was disturbing to me). It's almost as if his personality changed and I saw a side of him that I'd never seen before. That's one of the reasons it confused me so much. I was stunned and didn't know how to proceed.
But you are right that I need to see things from his point of view as well. He had started a software business a few years before that. It was a great little company with a great product and about 20 employees. But the timing was terrible. The dot-com bust made it impossible for his company to raise more money. The company was not totally in my husband's hands -- there was a board of directors, and they made some bad decisions that my husband didn't agree with. The company died a very painful slow death. Near the end, there was an interested buyer, which would have meant that we'd have made a modest profit from the venture, but the board of directors turned down their offer. Instead of becoming rich from it, we got nothing; literally zero.
This devistated my husband, because it began as his company (when you take money from other people, it's no longer in your lone control). He wound up working for someone else after a short break, which he hated. He had loved being in charge of his own thing, so being a mere cog in the wheel again was really hard for him. I was very supportive of him during this time and kept telling him how proud I was of his accomplishment, despite the ultimate outcome.
My husband worked for a couple of small software companies, and both of them didn't make it. When the second company died, my husband decided to be an independent consultant, which is what he does now. It's his solo business, although he has loose partnerships with other people and organizations. He's very successful doing this, and very happy -- although he travels a lot, which I don't like.
So maybe all of this colored his outlook on my little solo company. Maybe he got so angry at me because here I had something that was very successful and I just wanted to dump it. Maybe on some level he resented the fact that he had a major venture that failed and I had a silly little hobby business that became very successful.
The writing exercises for this week (which I haven't begun yet) have you writing a dialog seeing an issue from multiple points of view. Perhaps I should start with this issue.
You know, this morning, as I write this, I feel that perhaps things aren't as bad as I'd thought. |
| pandamonium |
Posted - 03/24/2009 : 05:23:01
Aw PV, what a lot of work you have been doing. Isn't it amazing how once you start to look at things properly you can see all sorts of stuff that wasn't there before.
Saying that when you first met your husband was your Knight in Shining Armour is lovely, but maybe that set the tone for your relationship, he was the fixor of your problems, and in good faith I am sure he did that when you were waivering over the business.
Looking at it from his pov, maybe he was worried that you'd give it up and then regret it later? Maybe he just thought you'd worked so hard it was a shame to turn your back on it? Even if the $$$ was the primary reson for his comments, we are only human and we do make mistakes and we inadvertantly hurt the ones we love the most, I am sure that if he knew how you felt he'd understand.
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| positivevibes |
Posted - 03/24/2009 : 00:53:28
I'm starting the third week of the program today. Week 2 actually took longer than 2 weeks for me to complete, because there were a LOT of things I needed to address. In the second week of the course, you write letters to people (you do not send the letters).
There was a huge pink elephant in the room and I knew it, but chose not to deal with it until near the end of the week. That big pink elephant was my relationship with my husband. And it's no surprise to me that some of my symptoms began returning when I began addressing my issues in this letter.
Dr. Schubiner has you write a list of things that you think might still be barriers to your total recovery. I looked up and saw the big pink elephant and knew that I could not ignore it anymore. I knew that if I really wanted to get better, I would have to deal with it, no matter how frightening it was to me.
I will tell you a little about my situation. My husband and I have been married more than 25 years and have always had a terrific easygoing relationship. When I met my husband 25+ years ago, he was my knight in shining armour. Our relationship was the foundation of a very happy life I created for myself as an adult.
But that began to change about 7 or 8 years ago. I started a little business on a lark. I figured that if it didn't work out, I could just shut it down. I was a stay-at-home Mom at the time and I occassionally had done some "contract" writing work at home (but that work was drying up, so I was looking for something else to do). The business I started took me in a totally different direction. The business puttered along for a few years, but each year sales increased. I treated it like a hobby until a few years went by and it got more demanding. It started taking up a lot of my time and I began to resent it (even though it was very profitable). I had never intended to make this business my career. Like I said, I had treated it like a hobby up until that point.
Well, that's when all hell broke loose. I went to my husband and told him how miserable I was in my situation. I was also very ambivalent about shutting it down, because I had put so much of my heart and soul into it. It was almost like deciding to shut off life support on a baby....could I do it, should I do it? Instead of encouraging me to do what made me happy (or help me figure out whether shutting it down would make me happy), my husband instead looked at my sales figures and said that I was insane because it was gold mine and had a lot of potential. He was right...but what good is a gold mine if you feel that it's eating up your life? So all I saw was misery, and all he saw was dollar signs. In that moment, everything changed for me. I didn't understand what I was feeling, but it wasn't good.
Not surprisingly, I developed a major back pain problem at this point. Gee, can you guess why? People would congratulate me on the success of my business and tell me what an inspiration I was. There were newspaper articles. I was even interviewed on TV. Oh sure, the fame aspect of all that stroked my ego, but deep down I was screaming. All that "fame" just perpetuated the business and increased my ambivalence about the entire thing, making me feel that I was sinking deeper and deeper into a big hole.
In retrospect, perhaps it would have been better for me to make the decision about the business totally on my own. But I was so overwhelmed by it, and so confused and emotional about it, I asked my husband to help me figure it out. For a long time I blamed myself for being so "weak" that I couldn't handle it myself (inner parent/perfectionist/insecurity). But now I forgive myself. Sheesh, I don't have an MBA and it WAS a confusing situation. (BTW, finding a buyer for the business was not a viable option at that point in time, for various reasons).
So you can see, suddenly there was a major conflict in our nice prefect relationship. Not to mention, a major upset in the balance of power. He sort of forced me to continue the business. He offered to help (and he did help quite a bit for a few years). Then the business grew to the point where neither of us could handle it sanely. I grew more and more resentful, and angry at myself for "letting him force me into keeping it going". Finally he had enough and found us a "fulfillment company" to handle the warehousing and shipping of our products. What a Godsend that was! It was a lot of work to get that process going, but once it was in place it was SO much easier to handle the business.
Now I resent the business less (note that I DO still resent it), but I feel that my relationship with my husband has been badly damaged as a result of all this. I just don't see him in the same light and I have very mixed conflicting feelings about him. I feel very uncomfortable with the situation. I've been fooling myself all these years that if I didn't think about it too much, things would just work themselves out. Only...my mind wasn't letting me forget about it. My mind was sending me a powerful signal and causing back pain and depression.
Shutting down the business is no longer an easy option, with the economy in its current state (and the fact that my business pays for a lot of our household expenses now). In a few more years, I hope to get it to the state where someone might buy it and we could "cash out" of it with a nice chunk of change.
Getting back to now....well, last night I began really dealing with that big pink elephant and I broke down and sobbed for a half hour. I felt so nauseous for a while. And I realized that the main thing I was feeling was blame....I was blaming myself for the entire mess. For years I've been saying to myself, "I wish I'd never had the idea. I wish I'd never started the damned thing." And "I wish things could be like they were before I started the business."
I felt that I, alone was totally responsible for ruining my relationship with my husband. Of course this is not really true. I could not have predicted his reaction or the events that followed. And at the time when they were happening, I was very confused and didn't understand what I was feeling.
I sat and cried and apologized to myself. I think it was a dialog between me and my inner parent. "I'm so sorry I hurt you," I said. "I didn't know it would turn out this way! I didn't know!" To which I replied, "Of course you couldn't have known. I forgive you." I know it sounds weird, but it was very necessary.
You can imagine how incredibly scary this was for me. And still is. I have to work through it now. Earlier in the course I wrote about my parents and gained a clearer perspective on my feelings about my childhood. And now I see that it is all pieces of a larger puzzle. My husband's reaction (and his "emotional betrayal" of me) mirror how I felt about my parents. I didn't understand it until yesterday. Now that I understand it, I think I can deal with it. I will be working with my therapist on my emotional dependence on my husband and everything that goes along with that. I'm sure you can imagine some of the very tough questions I am asking myself. It is frightening. So no wonder my back hurts a little bit today. Deep inside, my mind is saying, "No, no! Put the lid back on the box!!!" Well sorry Pandora...I think the lock has been blown off. Can you believe that I even find myself asking, "Is this real, or am I making it up? Am I just inventing this problem?" Well sheesh, a person doesn't just invent emotions and trauma for no reason, do they? It's TMS and my mind again trying to put me into a state of denial, back into that comfortable but painful familar state.
I have to tell you folks, I'm not sure where this will take me. I'm very scared that my life may unravel, and I really don't want that to happen. I keep reminding myself that a person can explore their feelings and it doesn't mean that anything bad will happen -- it's only exploration. I have always known that my TMS was very wrapped up in "control." Now I realize it's also a control battle with my husband.
When I get out of my head and look around, I see that the sun is still shining and the birds are still singing and I still have to pick up the kids after school. In other words, life goes on. Nothing has changed but my perception.
p.s. My husband is out of town this entire week, which makes it much easier for me to explore these feelings. It's hard to look someone in the eye when your heart is filled with conflicting emotions about them.
p.p.s. Two things are comforting me at the moment. One is singing to myself the Bob Marley song "Three Little Birds" (don't worry...about a thing...cause every little thing...is gonna be alright). And the words of my former Aikido Sensei, "Thank your problems for being there."
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| forestfortrees |
Posted - 03/19/2009 : 17:01:42
Wow... A big change.
I've added your review to the wiki page on the program. Thanks for writing it!
(If anyone else wants to do a review of any TMS product or professional for the wiki, just let me* know and I'd be more than happy to set it up for you. We've had over 20,000 pageviews and continue to grow, so it will get seen.)
* My bet is that HilaryN, Pandamonium, Tpunk or Peg would also be happy to help. If not, I always can.
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| pandamonium |
Posted - 03/19/2009 : 06:43:13
Thanks for writing the "diary" style post PV. This really gives people a chance to see how recovery can unfold and is so inspiring to people not yet recovered.
Your last comment "When I sat down and thought about what triggers I may have encountered today, I came up with several. They are all emotional triggers. Once I gave them some thought and calmed my mind, my pain subsided." really resonates with me and was/is such a key part in my recovery. Just KNOWING that I have some kind of control over this thing takes away the FEAR and dread of being in pain all day and that is such a powerful thing.
Keep at it and keep us updated  |
| positivevibes |
Posted - 03/18/2009 : 15:36:07
How bad was my pain a couple of weeks ago, before I started this program?
I often woke up feeling OK, but as the day went on, I would get a crushing achiness on the left lower side of my back, my sciatic nerve would get irritated and my glutes would become extremely tight. It was very distressing and was beginning to occupy my thoughts 24/7. Sitting made it worse. Sometimes it was so uncomfortable that the only thing I could do to make it go away was to lie down and rest for at least an hour. And even that didn't solve it, it only bought me some time...the pain and discomfort came back soon enough. It was getting hard to function or to think normally.
I was seeing a PT, and after a few weeks it became clear to me that his treatment was making me feel much worse, not better. My sciatic nerve was more irritated than ever and I was really miserable. I got very depressed and confused.
So I stopped PT and decided to try giving the TMS work a more serious shot and enrolled in Dr. Schubiner's program. I figured that I had nothing to lose since it was non-invasive and not very expensive. I've known for a long time that my problem was definitely wrapped up in TMS somehow. I intended to see how far I could take it, to see if it would be what I really needed.
The emotional release and self-knowledge I've gain in the program has been profound and life-changing for me. The writing techniques he uses in the program work much better for me than journaling. I feel a "lightness" and clarity in my heart and psyche that I haven't felt in years. I am beginning to be able to let go of a lot of past issues that caused me stress. And I feel that I will soon be able to forgive some people with whom I hold huge grudges.
When I say that I've been 98% pain free, what I mean is: sometimes I still feel the "shadow of the pain" or the "potential for the pain" in my lower back and glutes. I am working very hard at using the techniques I'm learning to control it. To really identify my triggers and work through them. To pay closer attention. And to give myself a break, not be so hard on myself!
Today, for example, my lower back does feel a little bit tight again (for the first time in many days). I did some stretches, but what I really also need to do is sit down and think about what has been on in my mind today. I've been dealing with one particularly confusing issue regarding something that happened in my past, so that may be part of it. So many thoughts and emotions pass through you as the day progresses. Sometimes the triggers can be extremely subtle.
I feel that I am healing. I haven't felt that way in a very long time. I also haven't taken any drugs in days. No Ibuprofen or anything. I discontinued the drugs because I realized that I hurt even if I took them. Plus, they were causing me to retain water weight and get bloated.
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Addendum: When I sat down and thought about what triggers I may have encountered today, I came up with several. They are all emotional triggers. Once I gave them some thought and calmed my mind, my pain subsided. |
| mk6283 |
Posted - 03/18/2009 : 00:36:42
Haha, good questions Forest. You should go into medical research.
Best,
MK |
| forestfortrees |
Posted - 03/17/2009 : 18:40:27
quote:
I have been 98% pain free for the past several days! Wow!
Congratulations!!
Wow. My favorite success stories to read are always the ones where they write about how much progress they are making as it happens. Like, dannord's story or quantguy's.
So how bad was your pain two weeks ago? For example, back then were you "10% pain free?" "0% pain free?"
tmswiki.org |
| positivevibes |
Posted - 03/17/2009 : 16:17:13
Dear forestfortrees,
You can absolutely quote me if you think it would help people!
I have been 98% pain free for the past several days! Wow! I'm still trying to get my body to "unlearn" how to hurt. It's a process and I know it will take time. I'm extremely grateful for the pain free hours I have experienced recently.
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| forestfortrees |
Posted - 03/17/2009 : 14:47:46
Hi positivevibes,
I've been meaning to read your posts for a while, and just got to it. It's so great that you've been able to get in touch with so much, and I hope that you keep updating it.
I was wondering, do you mind if we add a link to it to the page on the TMS wiki about Dr. Schubiner's course? The course really looks great and I think that your endorsement of it could help people gain the confidence that they need to be willing to pay the $250 in such tight financial times. I was thinking of including the following quote in the wiki page: quote:
After 10 days on his program, I think that it is the best money I've spent on myself in years. I wish I would have done this first. I realized the other day that my life has changed forever because of this program. I will never go back to feeling and operating in the world the way I did previously. Really and truly, this course is transforming me and changing my life. It's really hard work; it's really demanding, and sometimes really really scary. But so worth it!
Others who are considering doing the course may want to check out the wiki page about the course. It is probably the best source of reviews of the course out there.
fft
tmswiki.org |
| positivevibes |
Posted - 03/16/2009 : 00:03:23
Wow. What an emotional week this has been for me. Mindblowing. The writing exercises for the second week entail writing letters to people or things that bother you. Well, I wrote one to my brother and one to my parents. The one to my parents has taken two days to finish. It has all been very cathartic, and I have gained huge insights into myself and my past...as well as my present.
One thing that I realized just tonight involves my 13 year old daughter.
First I must give you some background. My parents operate from a base of fear and "victimization attitude," the type of attitude toward the world that Wayne Dyer addresses in one of his early books. I loathe that sort of worldview because it was forced down my throat from an early age. I have come to reject it, and from the moment I realized the difference, I have tried to live my life in an active engaged way, taking responsibility for my decisions and emotions.
My daughter is extremely intelligent, but is stil very emotionally immature. She hates to admit being wrong. She hates to say "I'm sorry." She finds tons of excuses why things are never her fault. I have been trying to teach her (to reason with her) why this is a bad way to operate in the world. I tell her that she is creating her own misery and chaos, that she must take responsiblity for her mistakes (that it's OK to make mistakes), and that she has to stop making excuses and just get more organized. I tell her that she will be happier if she changes her way of dealing with the world. But it's like talking to a brick wall. She just doesn't get it. Maybe she's still too young to understand.
In short, my daughter really pushes my buttons in a BIG way. And it causes my TMS back pain to flare up very quickly. And tonight, I finally understand why.
Like me, my daughter tends to be a perfectionist and be very hard on herself. Like my father, she creates her own misery and wallows in a victim attitude, making excuses. She is me and my father all rolled up into one person.
Of course, my challenge is NOT to treat her like a mini-me, and NOT to treat her like a mini "my dad." To treat her like herself, and not hoist my emotional baggage onto the situation and make things worse for her (and me).
Just understanding this, I have to say, results in a reduction in my back pain.
This week I am going to try to get off of the NSAIDs (Ibuprofen or Mobic) and painkillers (just Tylenol) that I've been taking. I came to realize that all those drugs usually don't make my pain feel any better. Sometimes they seem to "turn down the volume" of it a little bit. But sometimes they don't touch it.
When I had sinus surgery in late October, I was in an enormous amount of pain for about 10 days afterward. Narcotics disagreed with me, so all I could take was Tylenol. It was the first time that I realized what a strong painkiller Tylenol can be. So knowing this....why isn't it touching my back pain and that tight feeling? Because it's coming from my emotions (unlike the facial pain I felt after the sinus surgery).
Also, I've been on Weight Watchers for around 8 weeks and every week I've lost weight....except for the past 2 weeks, when I've been taking large doses of NSAIDs. After doing some research, I found that indeed NSAIDs can cause fluid retention and cause weight gain. My Rx NSAID (Mobic) is included in this. So it will be interesting to see if the 2 lbs I mysteriously gained comes off and my belly stops feeling bloated.
It's a little scary going totally off the meds. I have that Italy trip coming up...but....here's another reason why I think I might not need them: I had to stop all NSAIDs two weeks before I had the sinus surgery (because they can interfere with clotting). After being off of them for a week, my back felt fine. It barely hurt at all.
So I've proven to myself in a few ways that I probably don't need the drugs, and maybe I've been using them as a crutch. Like I said, I'm a little scared about going off them. I'll just take it one day at a time. Dr. Schubiner's course is really helpful, particularly the audio meditations. It always seems to calm me down and get me re-focused.
After 10 days on his program, I think that it is the best money I've spent on myself in years. I wish I would have done this first. I realized the other day that my life has changed forever because of this program. I will never go back to feeling and operating in the world the way I did previously. Really and truly, this course is transforming me and changing my life. It's really hard work; it's really demanding, and sometimes really really scary. But so worth it! |
| pandamonium |
Posted - 03/12/2009 : 06:36:06
PV you are lucky to have the support of your husband, I am sure my husband has help me recover enormously. He read some of HBP and was immediately onboard as he saw me described on the pages.
I wrote a journalling piece on how upset/frightened and later angry I was that I had to have my spinal fusion as a child and showed it to my H and he was shocked to read it, although he knew the history he never knew how I felt about it all, it's very cathartic to get that out and have someone who loves you recognise what you have been through.
I guess your parents had better stick around for a while if you want to get to that place of peace and forgiveness, otherwise if you get there and they have passed away you'll end up feeling guilty too lol.
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