| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| dannord |
Posted - 10/23/2008 : 18:06:12
Hi all,
I have been battling computer related RSI that runs from elbows to fingers for 10 years. It started 2 weeks into my first software programming job out of college, and has been a constant disability since. I went through ergonomics, biofeedback, drugs, acupuncture, physical therapy, 5 jobs, Carpal tunnel surgery, a year of rest, voice Software, foot pedals, hands free mice, you name it.
I finally gave up software and changed careers 2 years ago to a more Sales focused job and still couldn't keep up with the typing. The only thing that has worked is having a full time computer assistant who sits with me and does what I say paired with a tablet PC that does handwriting recognition. Its dreadfully embarrassing in the workplace, slow, frustrating and just plain no fun. I got a rhythm though, got back on my feet and all went well for the last 2 years until a few months ago my throat began hurting (i talk all day now) and I was diagnosed with acid reflux.
With no arms and no voice, my future looks bleak and it has already been bad for almost a decade now.
I have officially given up on western medicine (my parents are doctors) and begun to explore alternatives. I stumbled on to Sarno and this newsgroup on Monday, read Sarno's book today. Does it really work? I mean, I have had non-stop, permanent, 24/7, life altering pain for 10 years. It has been my constant nemesis, battle, and focus.
It seems too good to be true.
I definitely have the personality traits, the onset of pain coincides with a rough first job out of college and my history of back spasms, shin splints and now reflux seems to fit the symptom imperative. I want to believe but can someone recover after this long of continuous computer pain?
-Dan |
| 20 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| dannord |
Posted - 08/27/2024 : 10:23:30
Checking in now 18 years pain free and semi-retired after a successful career in technology climbing the corporate ladder. I've had flair ups over the years that would take a page to list. I have a very strong case of TMS that will cling to any real injury, old injury, or perceived injury.
1. If needed, get a doctor to tell you there is nothing structurally wrong.
2. Bring your attention from the pain in the body to emotions in the mind. Don't get distracted by pain. Think emotionally
3. Don't accommodate the pain. don't change your behavior, worry, or think about it. Pain is not damage. Aging doesn't cause pain.
4. Journal! Don't skimp here. Pen/paper, type it, write on your phone, dictate it. Doesn't matter - but don't skip it. You have to get it out! That is the core problem - not seeing the emotions.
5. If journaling doesn't work. Get a therapist. I've had dozens at this point. 80% of therapy is the talking about the emotions that we suck at feeling. The therapist when good helps get it to 100%. If they are bad, it is still wildly useful. If you are ashamed to go to a therapist, get over it. Pain needs medicine. When you have TMS, when you are a smart, motivated, high feeler, this is your pain and pills, shots, surgery don't get it done. The medecine is getting good at EQ. AND it is a huge help in your regular life too. I am a far better husband and father because of the work I've done on my TMS.
6. Stick with it! Dammit. It comes back. It moves to different symptoms. Big bad emotions are really tough - your unconscious will do everything to avoid it. I have forgotten over the years and end up in months of pain before I forehead slap, get out the journal, call a therapist, and get going again. Each life change can bring new symptoms.
It is more main stream now. If you haven't read in a while. I think Schecter's Think Away Your Pain is a good short overview of the concept/diagnosis. If you are reading this you are likely a type T (smart, high feeler, responsible, hard on oneself, perfectionist) and can get HUGE relief from getting smarter on the mind/emotions and impact on the body.
Keep at it. If I can do it - a 20-something frat boy, athlete, skeptic, who thought crying was for chickens - you can do it. And fast forward 20 years, you will look back sad for that person who let pain dominate their life instead of just learning to feel the hard feelings. Thanks!
|
| DrGUID |
Posted - 06/11/2021 : 01:53:12
If anyone else has RSI my story is here: http://www.tmshelp.com/forum/topic.asp?TOPIC_ID=3880
I wrote that in 2007, with a small update in 2009. I've been pretty much RSI-free for 14 years - YES 14 YEARS!
In those years I've mostly worked as a programmer (so a lot of keyboard usage). I've also spent a lot of time gaming on my PlayStation (now a PlayStation 4).
I've had 3, maybe 4 relapses but I suspect all were brought on my viruses making my joints a little stiff.
Right now I have tinnitus, but I'm applying the same techniques to shift that.
I would say that my TMS equivalent symptoms are largely caused by unexpected criticism and rejection. Lately I have been psychologically battered by some awful job interviews ("you're no good - we can't possibly hire you, even though you've been coding for 20+ years"). |
| ElijahLynn |
Posted - 11/24/2020 : 18:52:13
(crossposted to Dan's follow-up success story post here too http://www.tmshelp.com/forum/topic.asp?TOPIC_ID=5301)
Hi all!
Dan's story was so inspiring that I reached out to him and he agreed to share his story with me AND record it for others to hear* as well! My main motivation was that my wife has numb and painful hands, leading all the way up to her elbows, which never goes away and is always present 24/7, similar to Dan. The first step in this journey is hope, or at least a glimmer of hope to learn more, so that is my goal, to give my wife hope that this could be worth learning more about (I have had some success with backpain so far). A bonus to this interview is that Dan shared he also had sciatica, which my wife suffers from frequently too!
Listen on SoundCloud here > https://soundcloud.com/elijahlynn/dan-nords-10-years-of-rsi-recover-success-story/s-CRgyfo2CZ6r
* It was supposed to be a video recording so you will hear mention of things that you should be able to see but it ended up being an audio recording, so that is why. We may do another one that is video soon, and I'll post back if/when that happens! |
| goldie |
Posted - 04/12/2020 : 11:48:25
Absolutely it works. Good luck on your recovery! Take spook at my success story post for some tips and personal experiences in terms of what worked for me. I see slot of similarities in your story when compared to my own. |
| dannord |
Posted - 09/30/2019 : 12:30:08
Was just talking to a friend who has really bad chronic pain and thought I'd give a quick update. I'm settled in now - married, two kids, house, dogs, and pain free for a decade plus now.
I have noticed an interesting phenomenon - if I talk about chronic pain, or my story of recovery I get some intense sensations in my hands. They'll go cold, flush with blood - it is fascinating to see my mind trying to reach out through the old pain pathways. I'm aware now of those echos but I don't dread them, I welcome them. They are a firm reminder of that decade of pain, of the mind/body connection and its potential to perpetuate pain or to stop it. For those still in pain - keep trying new things and learning/reading up on the top science in pain. |
| tennis tom |
Posted - 06/26/2017 : 07:26:23
Great post Dan! Along with reading the Good Doctor's books, bios like yours help people who truly want to, to get their lives back. I got a Porsche too. Have you done any track days yet, HOOKED ON DRIVING is a good program and the Porsche Club puts on events to exercise them and not have to go to jail for it. I'll give you a call soon to compare TMS and car notes.
Cheers & thanks for checking in,
tt/lsmft |
| dannord |
Posted - 06/25/2017 : 21:01:25
I read that Dr Sarno passed away this week and I wanted to update this thread for anyone who comes along with the same disbelief that I had. It has been near 10 years since my recovery. I did fully recover, I went to Stanford business school and started working in video games after graduation. It was scary times re entering the work force not knowing if I could type and stay pain free. I did. I leveraged mediatation, warm baths, journaling and a therapist to stay on top of it. It took a few years to really be 100% pain free while typing all day in a business role. I doubt I could have gone back to computer programming level typing but I can type all day, email, IM, compose documents and PowerPoint and have gradually grown to run my own division at the company. As I read Sarno's article and recalled my journey through Dr Shecter, to my journals, to the books I read, to the book I wrote (typed, unafraid) and to the wonderful life I've pulled together from a decade of very very dark years - I realized that I wanted to give back again. I used to take calls and talk people through the recovery, the doubt, the sadness at realizing that lost years of chronic pain couldn't be gotten back and are curable through introspection, self understanding and getting in touch with difficult emotions. I now have a wife, kids, a house, a mortgage I would have been afraid to take on in the pain years and a bright future at a great company. I've won back friends I pulled away from in my pain years, I've learned a lot about mind body medicine, I've helped a good chunk of individuals prevail as well - including my brother. I've also come across a wall of doubters who are enraged by my suggestions that the brain and emotions play a part in their misery that no western doctor could figure out. I don't tell anyone I work with and I have only told a few friends from my business school days but not out of shame or fear on the impact on my career but more to avoid the distraction, to limit the power TMS had over me, my life, all my decisions for so long. Why relive that, why have that be part of my canon - my career and my life. With sarno's help, with this wiki's help, I beat that demon, I killed that menace - I got to move on before choosing to go on permanent disability or shut down my life all together. I was close but Sarno's book, some other strong books on the subject and quite a few supporters on this wiki helped me through. But today, after reading about how Sarno was ridiculed through his career, how he was shamed by 'real' doctors who called him fringe or crackpot - I wanted to revive my post. Remind folks that there is not just a light at the end of this bleak looking tunnel - but a frickin beacon that can return you to all of your glory pre pain. That can lead to a full life where pain is in the rear view mirror, where career is reignited, where friendships are reborn, where my kids get to play with me on a computer, where I don't have to think about saving keystrokes, where I can lift weights, play video games, over work my hands and recover like the body is meant to do. If you're reading this and you are where I was 10 years ago - here's to the you 10 years from now saying f-you TMS and good riddance. Don't let the pain win. You win. It took 10 years, it was really hard. It takes real discipline if yours is as bad as mine was. It took a decade of recovery to undo a decade of lost time, skills, ego, friends, career, connections, and confidence but I ground it out. Stay positive, assemble a team to help and support you, take it slow, don't rush and relapse, build back to a happy healthy life. You can do it. Call me - we'll talk about it.
Dan Nord
310.804.1174 |
| forestfortrees |
Posted - 06/14/2009 : 21:49:28
Congrats, Dan! Getting into the Stanford MBA program is quite an accomplishment. Please keep us updated. I'm sure that you will do well.
Forest
tmswiki.org |
| sarita |
Posted - 06/09/2009 : 05:26:21
have plenty of courage!!! i have the same mix of feelings regarding my doctoral studies starting this fall. let the moment carry you, refute all this fears and negative thinking. think of the "infinite power within us", hihi, thats a murphy ("the power of your subconscious mind") quote.
you can calm your nerves daily, all the time, take charge of your thoughts. |
| dannord |
Posted - 06/08/2009 : 18:02:29
Hi All,
I wanted to jump in with an update now that it has been 8 months since I started the whole recovery process. Right around my last post, I got inspired to apply to business school. I had always wanted to apply but with all the pain and restriction, I was too afraid that I couldn't do it - that it would be too hard or stressful to do it with voice software or that it just wouldn't be any fun. It has been a desire and goal of mine for quite some time and a fitting end to my recovery story and start to my pain-free life. There is still a part of me afraid of the level of computer work and the intensity of a competitive school environment but I know that I have the tools and training to overcome that and stay in touch with my unconscious and my emotions.
I still battle symptoms on a regular basis and if I don't keep with my meditation and breathing exercises, I can fall behind, but I am staying positive. I will continue to report back as I transition from my job to the school environment.
Dan
|
| DrGUID |
Posted - 04/08/2009 : 06:52:20
Good recovery story Dan.
Yes I couldn't believe it either, but I'm mostly back to normal now. A book can cure RSI? Who would believe that.
In fact I bought a PlayStation 3 in January and spend several hours playing it each night on top of my full time IT job.
I still have some minor relapses, but I am beginning to understand the triggers (like illnesses of family members). I also feel get a lot of aches and pains sometimes which appear to be helped by magnesium supplements. I guess we don't yet know the full story of TMS, but Dr Sarno's work is certainly worthy of a Nobel Prize in my opinion! |
| forestfortrees |
Posted - 04/04/2009 : 08:07:53
Hi Dan,
I just want to thank you for posting your TMS success story and for providing us with this update. Since I had been diagnosed with RSI as well, this particular thread was a huge help to me as I healed, so I thank you very much for it. Like you, I've had my life transformed.
After I healed, I started a wiki to help spread the word and "pay forward" all of the help that I had received. If you are interested, I would love to have you join the community of people editing the wiki. We already have about 239 page, as well as 41 members. Of course, this invitation applies to everyone else interested in contributing as well.
Forest
tmswiki.org |
| dannord |
Posted - 03/30/2009 : 15:40:27
I wanted to check in now that it has been 3 months since I posted my success story. I am 100% pain-free and unrestricted but I am not 100% symptom free. I still get physical reactions to emotional stimuli, however, now that I am aware of the root cause, it doesn't send me into a downward spiral as it did before. When my stress level, or emotions get too pent up or flared up due to work stress, relationship stress, etc, I start to develop symptoms. Sometimes, if I don't keep up on my meditation, or lose focus on breathing, or leave behind my journaling for too long, I will start to develop new and sometimes bizarre new TMS outlets. (muscle twitches, acne, heartburn, headaches, etc.) It seems that now that I have the pain in my arms,wrists, hands thoroughly beaten, my brain needs to find other ways to get my attention.
Its funny, when I started this process 6 months ago, I promised myself many great and extravagant gifts if I got the full functionality of my arms back - a new car, a trip around the world. Perhaps that shows my level of skepticism, or just how dreadful living with TMS was for me, but now that I have recovered and have freedom, I don't feel like I need the rewards. The biggest reward has been thinking about my personal and professional life without the burden of restriction. It has been becoming more aligned with my own self outside the standard filter of today's society.
I also think about how wide-spread this syndrome really is and how it almost is a part of the very fabric of U.S. society as a whole. It breaks my heart a bit, since it ran my life for a decade and I know how awful it feels to be held captive by an injury/illness that makes no sense. I see drug commercials, and suffering from so many ailments that stump doctors, or have no real physical/medical basis and it makes me wonder what percent of our pain/suffering is instigated internally and can be mastered just by looking inside and dealing with our own issues/feelings/limitations/etc. Almost everyone I come in contact with, I now see little manifestations of TMS. From allergey's and leg aches, to migraines, poor sleeping, upset stomachs, and rashes. I imagine that the mind/body connection is controlling far more of our bodily reactions and action then we think.
Anyway I am rambling but I just wanted my post and recovery story to continue so that people who fall upon this site the way that I did 6 months ago can watch/read the full progress of a single person and know that this is not a magic panacea, nor a quick fix. This is a fundamental thought shift and brain retraining that can lead to reinvention, confidence, success, happiness and a better self understanding and self-awareness.
Again, thanks to everyone who inspired me along the way.
Dan
|
| Redsandro |
Posted - 12/20/2008 : 10:12:29
"Are you saying you don't have opportunities to meet single people? Why do you feel this way?"
No I do have opportunities to meet people. Student life, parties, organising events.. but during fulltime jobs and internships I felt like social life was on hold. So to say it literally, I meet socially interesting people in my current life situation, but when the real work soon starts it's gonna be on hold again. And when I think about the point in life where my nephews and nieces were pretty soon after that, I don't see the math work out. Not that it worries me all the time, but when something makes me calculate, I find sudoku more entertaining.
"No. I'm imagining it too."
Sorry I think I sounded different than I intended to. I didn't mean you're 'there' as in the trouble I was imagining, I meant the time in the future for which I am 'scared' And from the description it sounds at least partially career related. But what you said about it is good. Acknowledgement of yourself and your control. It would sound lame to say that's the core element to work from, but it's important to really feel this. Whether you like it or not, it's a power. Some of my rare always-whining-never-happy friends are really casting Armageddon on themselves by blaming their environment for everything and they can't seem to acknowledge their own hand in the situation even though they're smart, so it's probably not that obvious as it looks to some.
It sounds like you are perfect for the careerpath you chose, and I can't say I know from experience why it creates or constrains your TMS problems. I mean it sort of obviously does. Positive results are usually proof of competency. Rewarding. Like I said I blame my age.. maybe someone with more life experience can say something about this.
'(..) might simply not have the right "happy chemicals"'
Oh I think it works. You described it has the recepy. I experienced myself, after ridding TMS, occasionally it's synthesized again.
____________
TMS is the hidden language of the soul. |
| mcone |
Posted - 12/17/2008 : 00:29:55
"I am guessing you're maybe 15 years older then me and I am 24."
Thanks...Until my pain problem started I thought I was 27, I felt 27, I acted like I was 27 - and what seemed like my "peer group" - and many of the people I hung out with...were middle thirties or so. I had virtually no pain at all. I could do anything I wanted. I thought I was indestructable. Pain, arthritis, disability were not even on my radar. In all honesty, when people my age would talk about aches and pains of aging, I secretly nodded my head, but the truth is - I didn't know what they were talking about. That was just about 30 months ago - just over two years - when I was 42. Then the pain started. I'm now 44 - and my body literally feels 10 to 20 years older than it did just two plus years ago.
"Not being able to deal with affection."
"Now, always, I still have the feeling I missed my most important years (17 and 18) and because of the way they were destroyed, I fail to live the best parts out of my other years."
"Yeah so what if I am only 24. A scarily amount of my similar aged friends is getting maried. If I extrapolate my progress, there is no family in the future."
I think you are WAY ahead of the game. Sounds like you've identified and defined the problem...and you have the insight, courage and motivation to apply yourself towards troubleshooting the software. I am optimistic that you can and will figure out how to identify compatible people, process all those emotions that arise, and maintain a healthy relationship. In fact, in many respects your relationship could be more solid than the typical person who is just on auto-pilot and then after some years suddenly discovers they need someone else or aren't happy, etc. I spent years avoiding intimate relationships - really just repressing the whole thing. (There was nothing to shock me out of my avoidance mode - in hindsight, I don't really know what I was thinking). Yet, I still have a sense that I can better develop this dimension in my life.
"And when I am working as a compositor or designer or whatever (computerwork), I think the frame of meeting new (and single) people pretty much closes for me."
Are you saying you don't have opportunities to meet single people? Why do you feel this way?
"It's almost as if you have the same fears as I do, but you're there and I am imagining it."
No. I'm imagining it too. In fact, if I consider the reality of what I've done, and what I can do, I realize that I've been responsible, I've demonstrated good skills in dealing with finances, taking care of children, solving household problems, etc., basically, I'm probably as good as the average person (possibly better) in doing all those things that people who raise families do. Yet, I still *feel* extreme fear and doubt about my ability.
"...I cleared a ****load of other stuff out of there."
* * *
"That's where you have to do some digging. See if anything else has been bothering you. Clean as much out as possible."
I think I need to do lots more of that...as much as I've done, I realize my ROR must be like 4 liters of Rage trying to fit in a 1 liter reservoir.
"But remember, in the end it's not necesarily about fixing your life situation and ridding the fear; it's about accepting the thoughts in your brain without 'something' making a big deal out of it (read: without your unconscious creating a neurological network of conditioned pain responces). Once you feel free, you are free. Once you have confidence in yourself "here and now" (as in not thinking about the future) it changes your appearance. People are attracted to that."
At times, I've experienced this, even before the pain...maybe this is what caused the pain...
When I had been promoted to a very prestigious position - I was directing the work of 4 to 8 high level business analysts, I frequently felt like such a fraud. I would ask myself: How did I end up in this position? Why do they think I'm capable of making these high-level decisions? But the truth is, I WAS in this zone. I would come up with clever solutions to complex problems, I could create all kinds of impressive charts, and graphs and financial analysis spreadsheets, and I would get projects done - and when everyone had a stake in the outcome of a project but different interests...like suppliers, management, engineering, finance etc., etc... I would figure out how to make everyone happy. My point is, I had to keep reminding myself, that I really was this person that people respected for the quality of my work and that I really was this capable person...despite how anxious I felt about it. Sometimes I succeeded in allaying the fears...but perhaps not enough...and this was long before I knew anything about TMS.
"If you're willing to spend some more time doing the work, I suggest you start writing a subjective and emotional autobiography."
At one point, I had started journaling using a chronological outline -I think this is a good idea.
"Also, the "pointlessness" is a big issue for me, so I can't really talk people out of that either."
I do struggle with the notion that the brain, as an organ of the body, might simply not have the right "happy chemicals" to put it in simple terms. Maybe something either chemically, metabolically, or structurally wrong. This is speculative. At times in my life, I've felt well, happier, content and felt joy with many things. Same brain, but acting different. Software or hardware issue, hard to say.
|
| Redsandro |
Posted - 12/16/2008 : 09:31:32
you might want to remove your first double-post.
First, thanks for the compliments :)
I have a problem responding to this post because your troubles seem mostly based on an era in life that I have yet to start. Also, the "pointlessness" is a big issue for me, so I can't really talk people out of that either.
So instead I'll just say a few words that may or may not be of interest, because I need to wait for my render to complete anyway.
Wouldn't you just smack Madonna in the face when she sings "Time goes by, so slowly" in that Abba ripoff song? I still don't know your age, I am guessing you're maybe 15 years older then me and I am 24. It's a nice age to be 'healthy' you might think. But I think I can relate to that feeling of missing prime years a little bit.
Let me illustrate how.
When I was 17, I ended up in the hospital with brain damage. I couldn't walk, talk normal or even play a chord on my guitar. I spent a year home revalidating, and didn't want to see any of my friends (who ofcourse called a lot) to visit. I didn't want them to see who I was not. When I was 18 I went back to school partially. I had unlearnt (as Yoda would say) all social abilities. The only way my newly born insecurity would not show was by ignoring any emotions. At 19 I graduated, moved away from my parents and went to university. Always focussing on school. Not being able to deal with affection. I think at age 20 I was finally having piece with what happened, but I knew it had tainted my ability to live my life. It wasn't the cause of my TMS but it did add to it.
Now, always, I still have the feeling I missed my most important years (17 and 18) and because of the way they were destroyed, I fail to live the best parts out of my other years. Don't get me wrong, it's not a 'look at me' story. I am over it. I am healty. It's a long time ago and it made my so much stronger in certain area's. But at what cost? I meet a lot of people and have my friends, but I still screw up in mutual symbiosis in a way that makes me wonder how the writer of Scrubs came up with that line [i]"every one of my relationships is a journey of self-sabotage that inevitably ends in a black vacuum of shattered expectations and despair"[i]. Yeah so what if I am only 24. A scarily amount of my similar aged friends is getting maried. If I extrapolate my progress, there is no family in the future.
But hey I'm adding a bit of loony stuff in the mix now and that's not very interesting. The point is, Ever since I cured the TMS almost two years ago, I had perspective. I am slowly beginning to appreciate life as it is supposed to be, and now that I am beginning to learn who I actually am, I realise I'm not a free 'student' for a long time anymore. And when I am working as a compositor or designer or whatever (computerwork), I think the frame of meeting new (and single) people pretty much closes for me. I'm not nearly dead yet and I already wish I had a second chance to live the same life from age 17.
So the future scares me. But it doesn't hold me back anymore. However, it's all in my head, and you are there (the moment). The working like a madman guy. I don't know what it does. How it affects a person. I'm lacking experience. That is the kind of things I cannot relate to. It's almost as if you have the same fears as I do, but you're there and I am imagining it. Then somehow I learned to live with it. And I think internally it still sucks, but it fits in my reservoir of rage because I cleared a ****load of other stuff out of there.
That's where you have to do some digging. See if anything else has been bothering you. Clean as much out as possible. But remember, in the end it's not necesarily about fixing your life situation and ridding the fear; it's about accepting the thoughts in your brain without 'something' making a big deal out of it (read: without your unconscious creating a neurological network of conditioned pain responces). Once you feel free, you are free. Once you have confidence in yourself "here and now" (as in not thinking about the future) it changes your appearance. People are attracted to that.
If you're willing to spend some more time doing the work, I suggest you start writing a subjective and emotional autobiography. Starting at your first memory. You can keep a password protected document somewhere on your computer. Look at it as a side-project, not as 'the work'.
____________
TMS is the hidden language of the soul. |
| mcone |
Posted - 12/16/2008 : 01:35:18
quote:
Originally posted by Redsandro
Think good about what your life would look like if you was completely healthy. Keep in mind that living pain free is no secret recepy for a fairy tail life. It is still going to suck. What would you do if there were no problems? Would you like it? Does the thought of doing what you do for the rest of your life make you unhappy? (I cannot be specific because your profile sais nothing, including age/work/school)
Red, your posts have been inpiring...you have some great gifts of wisdom and an ability to express complex ideas with great clarity - I'm amazed that you can write so brilliantly in a non-native language.
...If I were completely healthy, what would my life be like? I've been working on this exercise on and off... Sometimes, it goes like this:
I can't go forward...I just can't get past the LOSS, the lost time, the lost opportunity...allowing too much of my life to go by without seizing and claiming genuine happiness. Not taking advantage of my prime years to experience relationships, and ultimately build a family. And it wasn't laziness. It was likely avoidance...
On the surface,I've been very driven, went to graduate school, acquired professional licensing - and on my last job in particular, I worked like a madman for years.
During many of the years in my 20's and 30's, I never really thought I was succeeding or achieving, and in reality, I was probably underachieving. Yet at other times, especially in the few years before my wrist pain started, I could tell myself that I was achieving that I was "worthy" that I was "good enough" and almost believe it - in fact, I had been promoted into an excellent position in a good company.
Yet, deep down, I didn't feel good enough, felt like I was a "poser", like I really wasn't as smart or as capable as I was posturing myself to be - and I used various "smart drugs" (i.e., Piracetam) to boost my thinking and energy - and to boost my confidence. This was internal pressure. Pressure to hold up an image and identity that I really, deep down, didn't (or don't) believe I deserved. I sometimes wonder if that was the pressure that caused my pain problems.
Or maybe that pressure and the pain problems, and the avoidance of making emotional connections are all part of the more fundamental problem of a pervasive feeling of inadequacy...and my future - which would mean moving to the next phase of life - family - seems impossible if I'm not good enough...(Terrifying fear, anxiety, etc. over my abilty to handle the responsibility - especially over the long term for children's sake).
...and yet there's another dimension to this - Pointlessness. When I try to project myself into the future or imagine what I could/would be doing now without pain, I frequently feel like it's all meaningless, unrewarding, unsatisfying...it seems like ten units of work for one unit of reward. Not just for me, but for many people around me. They run around like crazy to work, earn money, buy crap for the kids, etc. and what do they get out of it. People are run-down, depressed, exhausted, having nervous breakdowns. And when they finally retire, thier kids don't really care for them and everyone is one thier own.
And to this my answers are that I'm pathologically focused on the negative and grossly magnifying the negative and minimizing the positive. OR that I have some kind of brain disease (i.e., like serious depression) that blocking me from feeling good OR that the pain and bad mood is getting in the way of my "seeing" and really "feeling" that I could be happy - and at times, infrequently, I still can experience a "fleeting" but real sense of joy about something.
I'm rambling, I had better stop now... |
| Redsandro |
Posted - 12/15/2008 : 13:38:48
You deserve to be healty. So let me try to throw in another piece of possible advice.
During my struggle, apart from writing about a lot of people in a way that would make them kick my ass if they had read it, I also learned something else. I don't know if I read it in one of the books, or someone here told me, but it was important for me.
Think good about what your life would look like if you was completely healthy. Keep in mind that living pain free is no secret recepy for a fairy tail life. It is still going to suck. What would you do if there were no problems? Would you like it? Does the thought of doing what you do for the rest of your life make you unhappy? (I cannot be specific because your profile sais nothing, including age/work/school)
I learnt that I was terrified for the future, my life, my death, and the struggle in between were everything I should do for my future seems like something that I will hate no matter how I look at it.
For me it has been important to accept the unknown void called future, let it come, accept it, make the best of it. Rethink your whole life without the constraints your parents inadvertedly put on your personality.
Life still scares me, but it's so much more exciting than the pain that has shielded me from dealing with it.
I started the TMS battle thinking about my past issues and current point in life. But you need to throw the future into the mix. Establish all evil from your childhood. Learn who you are. And figure out what trajectory to the future sets you free from your constraints. What that future is isn't even important. And that's good because no one can predict it anyway.
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TMS is the hidden language of the soul. |
| mcone |
Posted - 12/14/2008 : 22:07:28
This is amazing progress - You really should be proud of your effort and diligence. I'm left trying to understand what the application of your experience (and the experience of others like Redsandro and HilaryN, etc.) is to my situation.
I've been applying what I believe to be the right types of effort and technique for about a year (About 5 or 6 months in the beginning - then discontinued, then started again) and I continue to experience symptoms that are very severe - my primary pain issue is in my right wrist - but I experience widespread pain and other nervous system issues - like chest pain - at various times.
I keep wrestling with the idea that either I have something going on that is different than TMS (perhaps related but different) OR that my nervous system problem/TMS issue/emotional supression, etc. is extremely severe - and not letting go - despite some extraordinary things I've tried. AND so many of the ideas I've read about and what *some* treatment providers have told me are pessimistic (at best) and morbidly frightening (at worst) and leave me feeling desperately hopeless at times. And yet there are NO significant objective findings of any kind - for those physical things that have been looked at - VERY bizarre.
Sometimes it seems like my efforts are enough to allay all of my symptoms except for the wrist pain (like my chest pain that improved recently) - but then the wrist pain gets the whole system on edge again.
A few months ago, I decided to take some more extreme measures - relocating back to the New York City area - near the community I grew up in. I've been following through with these efforts despite near-constant pain on a daily basis. I continue to be overwhelmed at times by pain - like waking up from pain nightmares in the middle of the night - but I decided that I'm just going to try and remain hopeful - and see what happens with the relocation.
I'm not really sure what to do to advance from here, I'm thinking it might help for me to work with someone - but I just didn't connect with the TMS doc that I saw. The only thing that I seem to be able to tell myself these days - to keep myself together - is that it is possible that I will feel different once I've relocated - and it is possible that some kind of "switch" in my brain will start moving into a different mode. Some part of me keeps telling me that I will have to start pursuing physical treatments again - but I keep telling myself to put that on hold for the time being. |
| Redsandro |
Posted - 12/14/2008 : 19:59:46
This is awesome! I think your recovery is among the quicker ones. I hope it will stay this way!
But just out of personal experience, I want to say that the brain can retry the path it walked before. I had that as long as six months after recovering from 6 years RSI. It is important then to realize that the (by then somewhat subsided feeling of) success is absolutely no coincidence. And identify your stressors that are prone to come back so you can 'run them in a sandbox' and treat them as badly programmed .dll's, the ones for which you need to think your communication through to get it working without inducing stress.
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TMS is the hidden language of the soul. |
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